I’m a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex.

I'm a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex

First off, I’m glad to have found your site. Your advice is thoughtful and reasonable, unlike many others out there. Suffice to say, you’ve given me a lot to think about. So here’s my situation. This year, I will turn 40. Despite my attempts since I went to college, I am still a virgin. Yes, I’ve seen the movie, and I won’t lie: I’m afraid of becoming the archetype of that fictional character.

Over the years, I’ve learnt—albeit slowly, it seems—about many mistakes I’ve been doing. Not paying attention to women’s body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it’s a long laundry list of things I go “Crap, I should have done that!”.

But despite my efforts (and the assistance of friends over the years), I have never had a girlfriend or sex. As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old. I’ve read a lot about what you’ve said about “Ineffective versus Effective” and “What I want in a woman versus what she wants about me”, and I guess I’m still a bit confused. I think that my situation (and that of other virgins in my predicament) is a little different in some ways, but also the same in others when it comes to relationships, sex, et cetera. I am an only child, and my parents are kind of old fashioned and raised me as such. I don’t usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don’t try to force sex to happen right away.

Friends and coworkers alike have given me a huge span of advice and suggestions, from “sowing my oats” with a professional escort/hooking up with an “easy” college girl, to being persistent and trying to find that “special one”.

Eventually, I want to buy one or several of your products, but anything constructive you can offer me would be highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mo

Dear Mo,

As a dating coach for women, I rarely run letters from men. But maybe I should do it a little more, considering that 54% of my readers (according to Google Analytics) are actually men. And if you’ve been reading for a while, Mo, you know that I do two things with each reader question:

  1. 10% of the time, I’ll provide validation that the reader is 100% correct in her assessment of things. That generally means saying something like, “He’s a jerk. Dump him. Move on.” The problem with these questions is that they’re boring. There’s only so many ways to say, “You’re right!” which make for a boring advice column. Which is why most of my advice veers towards…
  2. 90% of the time, I’ll let you know what you’re doing/thinking/believing that is not getting you results. Either that means shining the light into a blind spot and giving you an idea of what you can’t see, or it’s telling you how to conduct yourself differently to get different results.

In your situation, I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

That makes giving unique advice a little bit tricky, you know?

Now, I’ve written about this stuff before.

I’ve talked about how passionate, competent guys get the girl.

I’ve talked about how nice guys (with balls) finish first.

I’ve talked about how women should value nice guys a little more.

But it doesn’t really matter what I say. Telling women to value nice guys more is like telling men to value older, heavier women more. People want what people want. At the end of the day, we all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, my friend. You’ve gone over the laundry list of things you could have done differently over the years. You may have valid excuses in how you were raised, but it really doesn’t matter if you were raised old-fashioned. You’ve been on your own for 20 years now.

So what constructive advice can I offer you? Should you lose your virginity with a pro just to get it over with? Should you hold out for someone special? I would suggest no to both options.

In fact, the biggest problem you have surrounding sex is that you’re making WAY too big a deal about it. Apart from the fact that sex can create babies, in 99% of cases, it’s just a fun thing that people do when they’re attracted to each other. By not carrying yourself with confidence, not asking out more women, not making the first move, not pushing to go further, and not seeing yourself as a sexual being, you’ve projected yourself to women as safe and asexual as well. It’s time to reboot and start from scratch.

We all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You don’t need to have sex tomorrow.
You don’t need to have sex with someone you love.
You need to make up for lost time and catch up with what everyone else was doing from 14-21.

I rarely plug my own products on here, but you should begin with Finding the One Online, my online dating audio series. It’s much easier and more accessible (for nice guys) than going to pubs to hit on hot 27-year-olds. Despite the sales page being written for women, Finding the One Online is actually a unisex product, created in 2008 for both men AND women. It’s helped thousands of people choose a dating site, write better profiles, post better photos, understand the opposite sex, and learn to move from email to the phone to the real life date.

Instead of skipping steps and worrying about getting naked with someone, you just need the experience of being around women, learning to act on your attraction, and demystifying this sex thing that you’ve built up in your mind. One step at a time. Go on a bunch of dates. Build up your dating skills. Get more confidence. And when it’s time for you to have sex, you’ll be as ready as any man ever was.

Click here to learn more about Finding the One Online and how it can attract more, high quality prospects on your dating site than you ever imagined possible.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Silk

    P.S. Everyone wants me to be alone forever anyway… so I might as well be and just LOVE everyone like they were my brothers and sisters as in, not just love ONE person but LOVE EVERYBODY!!! 🙂

    1. 31.1
      steven reid

      right on sir nothing wrong with being alone.so many people al over the world are so alone.some much worse than ourselves. but we have one thing in common …we are not. we all have each other.

  2. 32
    Mike

    To the 40yr old virgin…
    Sadly , i think your insecurity over still being a virgin at 40 is making it so hard to get up the courage and let a women know that before you have sex with them that you just can’t get up the nerve too… & i sincerely feel the best chance you have to break this mental barrier is to buy some condoms find a mature prostitute
    Possibly the famous one in nevada outside vegas
    Pony up the big bucks they charge explain to her once your alone that your a vigin and your terrified to be a failure… She will be so flattered that you chose her to be your first that she’ll leave her usual whore act on the shelf and truly want to help you and be so wonderful to you and really make you comfortable and get you the realtime experience of intercosrse you have to get before your ever going to be comfortable with a girl who means something to you …. This less connected ananimity is what you need before you’ll ever have the nerve to be naked in a bed with a women ….. I know because that was the only way i finally had the nerve to break myself in….. My fear was experiencing my first time with a girl in my circle who if i was a dissapointment would let everyone in my circle know what a failure i was
    I think you suffer the same extreme performance anxiety i did the only difference was i had the fortunate blessing of working with a girl who was a total nymph and slept with every guy at work except me and her wisdom gained from so many encounters with men was that i must be scared to take the blatant fuck me hints she was constantly throwing out the because i was scared to be compared to everyone else she was with and everyone i knew finding out…. This lovely slut figured out that the only way she was gonna get me in the sac was to totally persue me and get me somewhere i was positive no one i knew was around and then seduce me with kindness and explain that she already new i was a virgin and to just relax and let her help me get over this fear and she promised no one would ever know…. WoW looking back if she didnt do that i woulda been 40 just like you so just get with someone you can be totally anonymous with and after a few times your confidence to have sex with a women in your circle that you have feelings for will gradually increase your case is so extreme it requires an extreme effort

  3. 33
    Richie

    Many of  these comments, even from Silk, discuss romance as a binary thing, as rejection or sex. The reality is that there’s a lot in-between, and it’s the in-between stuff that leads to the sex:  Eye contact, holding hands, a few seconds of arm in arm or arm on shoulder,  sitting next to each other and talking for an hour or two. She (in almost all cases) won’t be turned on cuddling naked without LOTS of cuddling clothed, and before than, lots of walking while holding hands. Also, when she likes you, that first rejection can be a test form her side to assure herself you really like her enough to wait.  Ultimately, the best love and sex comes down to how she feels in your company, not any particular attributes you have or don’t have.

  4. 34
    Frank

    Shy of selling my soul, I would kill to be in your position I seen the 40 year old Virgin, and lamented that film didn’t come out in 1985
    Count your blessings and your Virginity Sex is crap living with another human being that tears your life apart is crap. Trust me make love to investments instead, retire early and enjoy your life, bringing a woman or man if your gay is the most stupid and destructive thing you could do, and avoid casual sex with American women, God only knows what STD’s you might run into..Cheers!!

  5. 35
    Miss

    Too many of you are super picky. Aim for women way out of your league or even reject women that are into you because she lives in another city, doesn’t like star wars or star trek, has dated an alpha male or a few etc.

    1. 35.1
      -James

      men who have little options in the dating arena are usually not the ones being picky. so I don’t know what the hell you are talking about.

  6. 36
    groslOlO

    in animal kingdom, men are agressive and want sex quickly. When Intelligence develops, men and women cannnot live together. Its a sad part of nature I hate. Id fuck every girl at my work, every girl I cross almost. but for them, Its another story.

  7. 37
    Mark

    Yeah getting a girlfriend is definitely hard I am 29 and never had a girlfriend in my life. Most of the pretty women are either all taken or they are not interested but I hope and pray someday I will get a girlfriend.

    1. 37.1
      Sure

      How about a woman who is just average looking but has many other wonderful qualities that would make you happy? Oh Right …. Not good enough for you.

      i have little sympathy for guys like you. 

       

      1. 37.1.1
        mark

        I would go out with an average woman but even they are hard to come by and yes I am trying to go places where I am going to meet women.

      2. 37.1.2
        -James

        you don’t even know the type of women this dude goes for, so you are automatically assuming that this guy goes for women out of his league. men who have trouble attracting females are usually not the ones being picky here bro.

        1. Karl R

          -James,

          Try reading what people say.  Mark had complained that “Most of the pretty women are either all taken or they are not interested”, so I would say Mark had explicitly stated what type of women he went for.

          Sure didn’t claim that Mark was too picky or that he was aiming out of his league.  She was simply expressing a lack of sympathy for someone who had specifically expressed difficulty in dating “pretty women”.

  8. 38
    rsndom

    I am a man approaching 40 and a virgin. If someone gets to this age and they still haven’t done the deed, there is something not right about them. People might pass it off as shy and stuff but the fact is underneath it all there are issues.

    Personally I was abused as a kid and its had a marked effect in many areas of life.  For like 20 years I have been working on myself to resolve issues and in all honesty it really does suck. Not just effecting sexual relationships but whole load of other stuff in life as well. But such is life and you just have to get on with it.

    Really if you over 30 and never had sexual relations really you should go seek some professional help, this sort of stuff really just doesn’t happen by accident. Chances are something like the environment your childhood envitonment has contributed towards it. 

     

  9. 39
    Alex

    I just turned 40 years old a few month ago and also never had a girlfriend. I only had a three dates in my life. The last date was in January 2005. Honestly I do not think those three dates can even be counted as such. By now I have accepted my fate and basically just moved on. I can not start conversation with women about my age that I find attractive and internet services produced nothing. Over the past 10 years I have tried numerous dating websites that produced no results. I post the profile and if contact someone there is no reply and if I wait for female to contact me my social security will expire. So nothing at all. So I just ran out of any other ideas and just moved along in my life. The goal in life now is to enjoy the things that I have and just accept that personal life is something foreign and non-existent.

    1. 39.1
      Tamilgirl

      Same here.  I’ve lived most of my life by myself…cold siblings, controlling parents..no true friends.  Kept hunting for Mr.Right for long….nothing happened.  Here I’m..a virgin at 40.  Never been kissed.  Never had sex.  Never had a boyfriend.  I guess that’s my karma… instead of chasing something that’s not meant for you just live life by yourself…do things that make you happy. Maybe the world is short of people that you seek.  No compromise.  Maybe you are unique and special.  Be happy 🙂

  10. 40
    AnonymousPeo

    I don’t think I’ve seen so many bitter and uninformed posters in one thread. Posters who advise virgin guys to “stay in their league” all assume that virgins are unattractive hypocrites who are only interested in “hot” women. These posters further assume that “hot” women will only go out with “hot” guys. Such “advice” reeks of envy towards conventionally attractive women and bitterness towards men.

    1. 40.1
      JFF

      The only people who are bitter are the male virgins.  Should we lie or be honest?  The honest truth isn’t what you want to here.

      1. 40.1.1
        Cathalei

        Who says they are bitter? And why advise them to just do it with someone whom they’re not attracted to, especially when you balk at the thought of being with someone who doesn’t meet with your exact imagination? There’s a lot oh hypocrisy going on there.

  11. 41
    roman hands

    watch some nature documentaries on animal planet and understand the natural behavior of wild animals.  The natural order of things is the strong survive and the weak one dies.  More often then not in a pack of wolves or lions, there usually is an odd one out.  The odd one is separated from the herd and sent off to die.  If it doesn’t have what it takes to attract a mate, therefore, it must be erased.

    1. 41.1
      Mark

      Haha, this reminds me of how the bully in grade school is someone everyone fears and looks up to. Only problem is that the bully ends up on the bottom, because he doesn’t do well in school, can’t solve problems in a civilized way, etc.

      The gene pool in society is getting worse overtime, because a lot of women pick dudes who are beneath them in intelligence and moral capacity to reproduce with. The heard is pretty stupid.

  12. 42
    Leigh

    I have dated 2 older virgins in my life (one mid-20s, one early 30s). I had an LTR with the first, and married the latter.

    There are older virgin women, and less experienced women, who will not view your virginity as a failing. Why not target one of them? You can find them in church groups, craft circles, cooking and art classes…stereotypical, but true.

    If sex has meaning to you, why not present it that way? It is a real turn on for some women to hear that a man values monogamy and commitment (vs just rampant and impersonal casual sex).

    Realistically, a virgin man in his 40s most likely has/had a dependency on porn and masturbation (or some other sexual outlet like fetishes, strip clubs, etc). It creates a weird Madonna-Whore dichotomy, which leads to awkwardness around women, anxiety about sex, and reinforces bad sexual technique. I speak from experience having slept with men like this.

    A prostitute will just make this worse. They are only there to earn cash, and they do this by pretending to be attracted to the John and really into the sex. It’s how they get you to keep coming back. In reality, most of these women are great actresses who can do the job well precisely because they don’t care much about men, and don’t feel much enjoyment in sex. A disproportionate number are actually gay women (browse through lesbian personal ads in California or Nevada to see this for yourself).

    I would suggest giving up on porn and the sex industry, which probably helped create the problem, and this will increase your own sex drive and motivation. Then start spending time around real women in social situations.

    1. 42.1
      Good Grief

      “I suggest giving up on porn and the sex industry.”  I suggest you actually ask guys what they do instead of speculating and jumping to conclusions. Does Evan not moderate comments anymore?

      1. 42.1.1
        Leigh

        A healthy 40-year-old man will have a sex drive. It is not jumping to conclusions to assume he’s got another sexual outlet, and these days it’s probably porn. Whatever his outlet, its a crutch.

    2. 42.2
      DeeGee

      Leigh said: “You can find them in church groups, craft circles, cooking and art classes…stereotypical, but true.

      And here I thought churches were for religion, and not for picking up women.
      And how many women will actually be interested in a guy who goes to a crafts group??  I guess maybe his mod podging or needlepoint will win her over??  :-s

      and also said: “Realistically, a virgin man in his 40s most likely has/had a dependency on porn and masturbation … which leads to awkwardness around women, anxiety about sex,

      Really?? Did you proof read this before you hit the post button?
      And also what then about a woman who is in her 40’s who is a virgin??
      And what about the large percentage of women who watch (or read) porn??

      1. 42.2.1
        Leigh

        “What then about a woman who is in her 40’s who is a virgin?? And what about the large percentage of women who watch (or read) porn??”

        It’s apples to oranges. In terms of social anxiety and sex, women respond very differently to porn than men. That’s not a value judgment.

        Porn makes women want to have more real sex, and is statistically associated with having more active sex lives, and more partners. Makes sense, when you realize that porn encourages a casual sex mindset, and women have a very easy time finding casual sex partners. It is about lowering inhibitions and social repression.

        In men, porn is associated with masturbation and having less active sex lives, with fewer partners.This also makes sense. Men have a refractory period. Men have to be the pursuer when it comes to casual sex, which takes work and involves greater risk of rejection. Men are also more sensitive to the Coolidge effect and the contrast effect than women, which may affect their assessment of possible mates.

        There have been plenty of studies on this to back me up.

        “And how many women will actually be interested in a guy who goes to a crafts group??”

        Alright, I agree about the sewing circle…but I have seen this work well when it comes to ballroom dancing, cooking, and art classes (painting, sculpting). I also know a lot of religious women who would love to find a like-minded man who attends service. It’s not much different from a woman who goes to sports events or takes up traditionally male activities as a way of engaging with the type of men she likes.

        If you want to catch fish, find a spot full of them.

        1. DeeGee

          Leigh said: “It’s apples to oranges.

          Sexist assumption.

          and said: “Porn makes women want to have more real sex

          Porn makes me want to have more real sex.  I’m not a woman.
          I don’t watch much porn because I’m not interested in seeing some other guy’s junk, or to watch him doing what I would like to be doing at that time.  Nude photos, ok, porn, not so much.

          and said: “Men have to be the pursuer when it comes to casual sex, which takes work and involves greater risk of rejection.

          Exactly.  And where is women’s lib in all of this?  Why are so many women here upset because they can’t find a guy, yet as you even say here, the women do nothing to go out and get one. For some men it is probably just easier on their ego to masturbate than to face constant rejection by women who have unrealistically high mate requirements.

          and said: “There have been plenty of studies on this to back me up.

          I’m not disagreeing that men watching too much porn or male porn addiction isn’t an issue.  I only take issue with your broad gender brush-strokes.

          and said: “I have seen this work well when it comes to ballroom dancing, cooking, and art classes

          Those depend totally on living location.  None of those types of classes exist in the city where I live.
          I’m in oil country, and pretty much all we have is seedy bars and out-there churches.

          and said: “I also know a lot of religious women who would love to find a like-minded man who attends service.

          “Like-minded” being the catch in that sentence.
          I don’t attend any of the local churches because the people there are a bit loopy (for lack of a better word) and follow their own church’s rules, so I don’t want to be “unequally yoked” with a loopy woman (you can reference that from the scriptures if you so choose, I studied theology and ancient biblical languages and transliterations for many years, so I’m always open to a good discussion on it).
          And here I thought churches were places to go and meet God, not women.

          I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with almost everything that you said.  And I’m not trying to be argumentative.

  13. 43
    steven reid

    i am 41  and had one girlfriend for 5 weeks when i was 20.and no one else sinse.i used to go out with a group of friends when i was 18.and i was the only one who went home alone.i creid for years about it.why me i mean im not an ugly guy.i was always told.6ft tall slim with nice blue eyes but have an underbite,makes me look slightely gummsy.i noticed loking back that i was a more self concious person and that they were non chalont,,,didnt seem to care or give a damn like i did and do.basically to women…your only worth as the level of your confidence to them.it stirs theyre hart,excites them.theyre brains are all hardwired the same,thats a fact.and decency,genuine,good,honest dont even come into it.its a primitive system they work by,and yes bad boy…makes the heart throb.they desire the tribal leader the alpha.women when at most fertile,at the hight of theyre menstrual cycle seek out the most dominant males with the highest testosterone levels for reproduction.its all so complex,when all i ever wanted to do was sit and have a conversation with a woman genuinely.without showing how cool confident or funny i am.jalways b you dont change to fit theyre ideals.being single aint so bad sir.

  14. 44
    virgin

    I am a 55yr old virgin who has never kissed or dated and has no sexual experience. I find that I am now enjoying my virginity more than ever which gives me total freedom and can be empowering. So do not worry about being a 40yr old virgin I passed that mark ages ago. I represent everything virginity stands for and am proud to be a virgin.

    1. 44.1
      Good Grief

      What are you doing on this thread?

      1. 44.1.1
        virgin

        I passed the 40yr old virgin mark ages ago

        1. virgin

          I am a 55yr old virgin who has never dated or kissed and has no sexual experience.

  15. 45
    Max

    I can’t say I know what you mean because I am 27 however I know exactly what you mean virgin/nice guywise because I am one of them..what I don’t get is why all these hot chick’s go back to guys who verbally and physically abuse them. It’s hard to phathom. I guess really in todays society we are the select few we are an elite group of people that nobody can help because all we do is help others….. the help dose not receive help for we can only give help. I try to embrace my loneliness and solitude weather instead getting depressed I use this feeling as a weapon  to  have a means to get by everyday we have something that not many people have nowdays and that is called purity which is very limited in people now  again the proof is all over the place”nice guys finish last” I know it sucks but I like to think of it like this pleasures of the body are limited but there will be far greater experiences in heaven with our Lord Jesus Christ than here on this hell bound earth…

  16. 46
    JR

    I’m 35. I never experienced any kind of romantic relationship in my whole life. Never dated ever. It seems all I ever learned to be is alone since I’m the guy no woman would ever want.

  17. 47
    Kris

     

    I’m 23 and a virgin. Male

     

    😐   I just want to meet a nice girl (nice meaning she’s nice towards me, genuine, honest, loving) who likes anime/video games and other nerdy stuff that I may not like or even know about, oh and likes sex(idc if she’s experienced or not, she experienced things with other dudes , cool… she’s experiencing me now and not them ). Someone I feel comfortable with. I can be myself with, she can be herself with. Can tell each other anything. laugh with, do stuff for, take care of, cuddle up with. I’d walk super proud next to her in public, cause she’s awesome and knows I’m awesome and was willing work with my awkward ass self to find that out. I guess someone with in 5 years of my age, either direction could work, the closer the better I think. That’s all I want. I honestly don’t care about much else. If I at least find her attractive, good enough, I’m sure to find many more things attractive as time progresses. If she’s shy  , idc. I’m shy, lol who is to judge right? As long as she isn’t mean, dishonest, or likes to fight a lot/drama then I really don’t care.

     

    I feel like a good looking loser if that makes sense. Like in the mirror, I look great. 9/10 -10/10.  (i;m not perfect by any means I just have aesthetics as one of my good points)Reactions I get from girls recently (21-23) have been overwhelmingly positive, although only with ones I find attractive/would find attractive *shrugs* not going to complain. The average girls tend to just straight up not talk to me or try their hardest to say as few words as possible and as quickly as possible. When I was younger, girl were just AWFUL towards me. I’m surprised they didn’t just spit in my face lol. Unfortunately I didn’t even talk to a girl until I was 21. So you can say I’m very behind the social learning curve. I have no friends either, so chances of hook ups are zilche. I did ask 6 out though and attempted at 7 (she left before I made it back downstairs to ask her out 🙁 )  I was rejected 4/6 times. Was disappointed. Wasn’t the mortifying experience I was dreading. It felt about as horrible as when you ask someone the time and they are like ” i dunno.” lol.

     

    So I’m a super nerdy guy, with no experience. What’s worse is I don’t even look nerdy not to mention I’m mixed so my skin is darker and by default people are just blown away that I like anything nerdy :\ I feel kind of awkward. Like my outside definitely doesn’t match my inside. I grow facial hair I look like Don Juan or something, I lose it I look like on of those pretty elf guys in video games…. on the inside is this odd, quirky, awkward, nerdy guy. That in of itself I don’t like. I’m don’t look remotely close to what I really am. :\ and I don’t like that, makes me feel 20x more awkward.

     

    D: I just want to find a girl I can love and she loves me. <.<  *sigh* I just hope I don’t die a virgin and show friends pictures of me when I was younger, then they discover I’m a virgin and their minds a blown on how why. It feels so bad. Because I look good, I should be getting laid all the time. Though to me it just magnifies the shame I already feel 😐

     

    xD i’d even be willing to meet half way. Die a virgin but not feel so shitty like I do because I have no one. It feels that bad. I’m sure at least some other unfortunate soul understands what I mean by that.

  18. 48
    Canadian

    I am 44 and have never had a girlfriend. I am quite ashamed of this fact. I have had a few flings in my life that lasted a week or so but nothing that ever turned into a girlfriend. No female has ever really been interested in me. Women walk right by me and don’t even look at me. I consider myself average looking so I don’t expect them to be knocking down my door but this is shocking. I have much younger cousins that are already married with kids which makes me look pretty bad. My mother even told me once that family members are starting to wonder about me. I have given up hope I will ever meet someone.

  19. 49
    TheGod'sHonestTruth

    There are many of us good men out there that had our relationship go sour, so many of us that had a girlfriend already have been hurt now since so many women today just Can’t commit to just one man anymore and are dating different men all the time.  And now that there are so many women today that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, it really makes the situation much worst since many of these women today really want the best and won’t settle for less. I would really say that Most women are to blame nowadays, not us.

  20. 50
    Max Sedenka

    The situation for western men in the dating scene is becoming hopeless. I find it repugnant that a man especially can be upset about another man being angry about the dysfunctional, no, BROKEN dating scene in America; a dating scene that is totally slanted in women’s favor.

    This is all generally simple; most women having trouble finding a man have unrealistic standards/expectations, and/or they going after men who are actually above their looks and status level and don’t realize or refuse to accept that a man like that is going to be dating/banging several women besides her because he can. She finds out, the relationship dissolves, and she’s back into the dating swamp looking for the same type of guy all over again, but this time more picky and more bitter than she was before. Or, the woman is simply a psycho who destroys every relationship she has. Any man who has spent any time dating knows there are A LOT of crazy women out there.

    But Men are having trouble for other reasons. Most men having trouble just can’t get a woman, ANY woman at all. Nobody wants him. He doesn’t necessarily smell bad, isn’t 5 foot 2, or poor, or ugly, or weird. You’d be surprise at how many fairly attractive and otherwise normal men still can’t get a date to save their lives. The image of the dateless man in America is misrepresented too often, and that alone is one of the biggest hindrances to this issue ever being worked on. Without being able to accurately identify the types of men having the issue, the issue can never have a solution. FYI, the types of men are every type of man you know. That’s the range, and the problem in numbers is growing. Men are getting restless and the thin veneer of sanity is breaking.

    I laugh at the accusations that the reason so many men can’t get a woman is because “they’re all going after super models!” this is total BS. Biologically men are FAR less selective than women, and the average man will have sex with just about any willing woman. Most western women are overweight and certainly not super model material, and yet most of these women have men, even the least attractive and least in-shape women are still getting men and getting them easily.

    Bottom line is, once women were able to get better jobs and lessen their dependence on men as financial providers, it changed the dating game entirely. The type of sensible, respectable AVERAGE man that would’ve had women fighting over him in 1950 is now being used by women as just a crying rag and “friend”, but not the guy she wants to sleep with or have a romantic relationship with. This guy could be a good lover and a great provider, but there is no intrigue in settling for that guy. The intrigue is in snagging the “Alpha Male” or at least this generation’s warped idea of what an “Alpha Male” is.

  21. 51
    Jsg_1265

    Mo, don’t worry about losing your virginity, just love yourself and focus on how to be more out going. Don’t  throw away your virginity to someone you don’t love.

    1. 51.1
      Mark

      Thumbs up to that.

  22. 52
    James

    Im a 26 year old virgin going to sie this way.Do what makes you happy.

  23. 53
    Truth

    Then again many women that we met over the years were Losers anyway.

  24. 54
    bret

    i”m 46 and never been with a living soul.it just is”nt meant to be for some.

  25. 55
    Andrew

    Why does it seem whenever you hear of a person who is 25+ years of age, or 30+ years of age and never had a relationship before or still a virgin, it is almost always guys, men you hear of? Why does it seem men are more at risk at becoming like this than women are? Are women just less vocal about it, more silent about it than men are? Can anybody think of any women in that age bracket who have never had a boyfriend before? I would imagine the reason why women are probably less likely than men are to end up in that situation is because men are still expected to approach and be the initiators

    1. 55.1
      Callie

      It really depends who you are and who you spend time with, but believe me there are whole host of 25+ virgin women, women who never had boyfriends etc. Part of the reason you might not hear about it is often women speak about these things in women only spaces. They don’t feel as comfortable publicly talking about it. Especially because often men will come along and insist that women have it easier and that they could have sex if they wanted to etc and basically dismiss their experiences.

      Coming from the nerd community believe me, such women absolutely exist, though. Often they’re the ones who have social anxiety, or who also aren’t stereotypically good looking and so guys never approach them (being an unattractive woman means basically being invisible to men).

      1. 55.1.1
        Andrew

        so you are saying you are absolutely sure, know of women that are in that age bracket, 25+, even 30+ years of age, who are either a virgin or never had a boyfriend before?

      2. 55.1.2
        Mark

        There really should be a network of some kind.

    2. 55.2
      Jody

      Andrew?  You also have to keep in mind that there are more men in this world than women.  Therefore, women are really not at the disadvantage as for being guaranteed a lifelong partner early in life.

       

       

  26. 56
    Jody

    Well, I guess it goes to show you that abstinence-only education should not be taught in the public school system, because it only sets young people up to live a prospective long-life of spinsterhood.  Then again, perhaps virginity after 40 years old is a blessing in disguise to the world as a whole.  The world population is currently at 7 billion people, and the Earth only has a capacity to house 9 billion people before serious problems with our ecological resources begin to hit hard.

     

     

  27. 57
    woosh

    So what the original replier to the author is saying is that even if, due to situations beyond my control, have left me still a virgin at the age of 37 and for some unknown or financial reason cannot get out from under my parent’s roof, I have absolutely no hope and no chance with women.  I’m aware of what I’m missing out on life, and I really want to make passionate hot sex with a woman.  It’s gotten to the point that I can’t concentrate on my goals in life, all I’m aware of is that I feel left behind and banished from humanity.  And to top it all off, my parents don’t allow me to have friends of any kind over unless they are home and know what I’m doing at all times.  Feeling like I’m under constant surveillance makes me not want to go out and meet women at all.  I’d rather be dead.

    1. 57.1
      Mark

      Eh…focus on your goals in life first, and then when you’ve accomplished everything you want to accomplish, go for the women.

      Think about someone like Bill Gates. If he hadn’t been single most of his life, he probably never would have become a billionaire. Women suck up a lot of your time.

  28. 58
    Mark

    A few tips:

    1. Stop wanting sex so bad. Sex without love is not fulfilling, especially when you’ve been alone most of your life. Having sex with a prostitute will not make you feel less lonely. You only think sex is the cure. But what you should really be looking for is the full package — love, commitment and sex. That’s called marriage. No one deserves any less.

    2. The match-making game is horribly inefficient, and it’s easy to end up without a match due to bad luck. And while it’s easy to blame yourself for being 40 and single, that is because you really really want to believe that there is something you can do to have changed that, but the truth is it all might really be bad luck that you haven’t met the right girl. Despite the advent of online dating, it’s still really hard to meet the right people to date. People start dating based on shallow things (looks, hobbies, etc.) because that’s the best information they have to go on until they’ve gotten to know the person.

    3. At the same time, there may be specific things holding you back that are not just bad luck. Every situation is different. One thing is that if your focus is on just getting sex, that may be the problem. Certain kinds of guys are more likely to get casual sex, and the guys and girls who are into this have made a game for you to play. Stop playing their game. It’s rigged, and just because you’re not them doesn’t mean they’re having more of a fulfilling life. As cliche as it sounds, it’s much more worth your time trying to find your soulmate — someone who will truly understand you, and wants you for more than sex.

    4. Be yourself for once. If you feel most comfortable being old-fashioned with regard to kissing, sex, etc. then you should be old-fashioned. The thinking is that some women will appreciate this (whether they’re a minority or not is besides the point), but the ones who expect you to move faster will never really pick you because they can sense that you’re being fake if you try to be the way they want you to be. Remember that if you try to earn a lady’s respect, that almost assures you that you won’t get it. You must presume that you have a right to be respected, and no need to earn it.

  29. 59
    Andrew

    I never had any relatioship nor was I married?

    My life started out as being an unwanted child and my mom made sure I knew that and understood that fact. There was no love and mom and dad constantly  fight and argued, l hated them for that what I remember is hiding  in my closet for hours. Then my parents dumped me with my grand parents, these people were great but very poor. We lived in very modest house with a horse barn attached. At 17 I ran away and I lied about age and joined the military. I was stationed viet nam for 3 years where I saw more hate and all the violence that a war offers. When I got home I really had no where to go, but found a job working nights and basically alone, which was good for me.  First few weeks I slept in people’s cars who forgot to lock them. My boss found out and offered me a place to stay in his 2 car garage, and I could take a shower and wash clothes. Those folks offered me what they could at the time. There family went out of there way to help me. I’m  now 71 and still visit there children.  I never had a date or found a women to love and to get married nor did I want to marry. I hate the thought of getting married, I just wanted to alone.

  30. 60
    KM

    I am a 45 year old female and I have had several long-term relationships. I am a single mother of a teenager. I am very outgoing and I do many social things with my friends. I met a very nice 42 year old man at a music festival in my town. He approached me. I could tell he had a few drinks but he seemed sweet and he asked me to be friends on FB. I did agree to do that. We talked on FB by private message for weeks and we got to know many things about each other that way. He finally asked me out through FB and we had an old-fashioned date which I loved…meaning he picked me up at my house and we went to dinner and we talked for a long time. He was very funny and smart and nice and he asked me for a second date at the end of the first date which was great! We have had several dates since then and we communicate often by text or FB and an occasional phone call between dates. What I have learned about this wonderful man was that he told me he is extremely shy around women and he has not had a relationship after the age of 18 because he cannot talk to women. He has a successful job as a Supervisor and his friend circle is full of people he has known his whole life.

    I appreciated that he shared this information with me and I respect him for that. I find him to be a very honest and endearing person anyway and I was glad he told me. He said he doesn’t have a problem talking to me in person and I think it’s because we got to know each other at first after talking for weeks on social media. The thing that has been connecting me emotionally to him is that he does share things about himself that other guys might not and that causes me to reciprocate and value the time we spend together. He tells me he would like to be physically intimate with me but does not know how to initiate things so he wants me to help in this aspect. I found that his willingness to communicate that to me makes a difference because I am able to see things from his perspective and it’s a mature attitude. Plus, we have the same sense of humor and when it comes to potentially awkward situations, having a sense of humor is a must. When all else fails, women love a man who can be light-hearted and see the humor in things…it’s playful and it’s a turn-on!

    I have never dated a shy guy before and I am so happy that he took the initiative to talk to me (even with liquid courage, ha ha). I appreciate and am attracted to his nice guy qualities because they equal quality as a person…he is respectful of himself and to me, he is funny and smart, he is has hobbies and interests he likes to share info about, he loves his family and friends, and he is willing to be open and vulnerable.

    As an outgoing girl, I approach guys and have had my share of rejection too but it doesn’t stop me from trying. I just figure nothing tried, nothing gained. In this I instance, I didn’t do the approaching but I was open to getting to know someone in a different way through that person’s comfort level (FB) and I am happy I did. So please don’t get discouraged shy guys…there are women out there who will appreciate you just as you are! Just keep trying and remain open-minded so you won’t miss out on potential possibilities! 🙂

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