I’m a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex.


First off, I’m glad to have found your site. Your advice is thoughtful and reasonable, unlike many others out there. Suffice to say, you’ve given me a lot to think about. So here’s my situation. This year, I will turn 40. Despite my attempts since I went to college, I am still a virgin. Yes, I’ve seen the movie, and I won’t lie: I’m afraid of becoming the archetype of that fictional character.

Over the years, I’ve learnt—albeit slowly, it seems—about many mistakes I’ve been doing. Not paying attention to women’s body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it’s a long laundry list of things I go “Crap, I should have done that!”.

But despite my efforts (and the assistance of friends over the years), I have never had a girlfriend or sex. As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old. I’ve read a lot about what you’ve said about “Ineffective versus Effective” and “What I want in a woman versus what she wants about me”, and I guess I’m still a bit confused. I think that my situation (and that of other virgins in my predicament) is a little different in some ways, but also the same in others when it comes to relationships, sex, et cetera. I am an only child, and my parents are kind of old fashioned and raised me as such. I don’t usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don’t try to force sex to happen right away.

Friends and coworkers alike have given me a huge span of advice and suggestions, from “sowing my oats” with a professional escort/hooking up with an “easy” college girl, to being persistent and trying to find that “special one”.

Eventually, I want to buy one or several of your products, but anything constructive you can offer me would be highly appreciated.


Dear Mo,

As a dating coach for women, I rarely run letters from men. But maybe I should do it a little more, considering that 54% of my readers (according to Google Analytics) are actually men. And if you’ve been reading for a while, Mo, you know that I do two things with each reader question:

  1. 10% of the time, I’ll provide validation that the reader is 100% correct in her assessment of things. That generally means saying something like, “He’s a jerk. Dump him. Move on.” The problem with these questions is that they’re boring. There’s only so many ways to say, “You’re right!” which make for a boring advice column. Which is why most of my advice veers towards…
  2. 90% of the time, I’ll let you know what you’re doing/thinking/believing that is not getting you results. Either that means shining the light into a blind spot and giving you an idea of what you can’t see, or it’s telling you how to conduct yourself differently to get different results.

In your situation, I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

That makes giving unique advice a little bit tricky, you know?

Now, I’ve written about this stuff before.

I’ve talked about how passionate, competent guys get the girl.

I’ve talked about how nice guys (with balls) finish first.

I’ve talked about how women should value nice guys a little more.

But it doesn’t really matter what I say. Telling women to value nice guys more is like telling men to value older, heavier women more. People want what people want. At the end of the day, we all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, my friend. You’ve gone over the laundry list of things you could have done differently over the years. You may have valid excuses in how you were raised, but it really doesn’t matter if you were raised old-fashioned. You’ve been on your own for 20 years now.

So what constructive advice can I offer you? Should you lose your virginity with a pro just to get it over with? Should you hold out for someone special? I would suggest no to both options.

In fact, the biggest problem you have surrounding sex is that you’re making WAY too big a deal about it. Apart from the fact that sex can create babies, in 99% of cases, it’s just a fun thing that people do when they’re attracted to each other. By not carrying yourself with confidence, not asking out more women, not making the first move, not pushing to go further, and not seeing yourself as a sexual being, you’ve projected yourself to women as safe and asexual as well. It’s time to reboot and start from scratch.

We all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You don’t need to have sex tomorrow.
You don’t need to have sex with someone you love.
You need to make up for lost time and catch up with what everyone else was doing from 14-21.

I rarely plug my own products on here, but you should begin with Finding the One Online, my online dating audio series. It’s much easier and more accessible (for nice guys) than going to pubs to hit on hot 27-year-olds. Despite the sales page being written for women, Finding the One Online is actually a unisex product, created in 2008 for both men AND women. It’s helped thousands of people choose a dating site, write better profiles, post better photos, understand the opposite sex, and learn to move from email to the phone to the real life date.

Instead of skipping steps and worrying about getting naked with someone, you just need the experience of being around women, learning to act on your attraction, and demystifying this sex thing that you’ve built up in your mind. One step at a time. Go on a bunch of dates. Build up your dating skills. Get more confidence. And when it’s time for you to have sex, you’ll be as ready as any man ever was.

Click here to learn more about Finding the One Online and how it can attract more, high quality prospects on your dating site than you ever imagined possible.

Join our conversation (223 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.


  1. 61


    You attract what you want and what you don’t want. The minute you have to explain your sexual desires in a way that sounds embarrassing and shameful will only lead to bad results. Never apologize for being a sexual being EVER. Never let society dictate what you want and don’t want. Just go for it! If they don’t want to be with you only a ton  other women on the planet who WILL!

    Stop wasting time and go enjoy life! You deserve to be with a woman and enjoy a fun filled sex life together! Believe in YOU!

    1. 61.1

      Nobody deserves anything.   Virgins have a strange belief that sex is deserved.   It is not deserved.

  2. 62
    John McCafferty

    I’m over 50’s now & never married or had a girlfriend due to suffering with anxiety & shyness all my life.

  3. 63

    As a man you’re primarily a prop and provider.   The notion that a woman is capable of loving a man as a person is a steaming pile of shit.   As a man, your primary responsibility is to be tall, look good in a suit and buy her shit.   If you’re short but have very good facial features and a lot of money, then you’ll be fine.   If you’re short, aren’t especially handsome, but have a ton of money, you’ll be okay.   If you’re short, not especially handsome, and make less than $100,000 per year then you might as well stop wasting your time and resort to prostitutes and Asian massage parlors, because no woman is ever going to go through the routine of pretending to care about you.

    1. 63.1


      Short, bald, ugly, lean, hygienic, smart, skilled, hardworking =  zero success with girls

      Time to  get a hooker so I don’t die a virgin.

      1. 63.1.1

        You guys are clueless. It has nothing to do with that but more with the confidence you project and how you feel about yourself inside.

  4. 64

    I’m 46 & I’ve never had a long term relationship. I went out with my 42 yr old supervisor when I was 23. I had no attraction but she liked me & that was enough. She moved before we got to the sex part. Probably a good thing. I would’ve been lost. I don’t go out with anyone else until I was 39. We hung out as friends but that was it. Probably a good thing as she wasn’t the best person.

    I both cases I went out with people because they were interested & it strikes my ego. I’ve never gone out with someone I was truely interested in. I’m at peace with it. I’m not a prude but they idea of 5 of 6 girlfriends never appealed to me. I couldn’t go out with anyone unless we were already friends. Makes it tough to date. I’m good though. It’s not for everyone I guess.

  5. 65

    I am 44 and never had a serious, long term girlfriend.   I went on 2-3 dates maximum with girls and the most we did was French kiss.   Also, I never went out on dates in my 20s and 30s.

    Basically, I am a loner and avoid people, unless they fully have gained my trust.    I used to think it was not normal not to have had a serious girlfriend at minimum at my age, but ONLY you can determine what is BEST for you.

    The bottom line is that I am happy.   Your HAPPINESS is what matters the most.   Maybe I will meet someone tomorrow, 5 years, 10 years, or even 20 years down the road that I will have that SPARK with.   That would be good.   However, as long as I am HAPPY, that is the key!

  6. 66

    I am a 56yr old male virgin who has never dated and has no sexual experience.

  7. 67
    nirmal singh

    A virgin man who has never had a relationship, never saw porn and hasnt thought of another woman. Thats a true dream man. If his mind and body are pure then no matter what he will be handsome. And id ge avoids social networks, all the better. Most women these days are ego sucking whores who thrive on seeking attention and have slept around. They are not worthy of this pure man – a man who when he makes love to a partner of equal morals will experience the cleanest hottest love. They will not need to worry about what past partners they need to compete with, they dont need to worry about who their partner was with before. A man this pure is the best lover.

  8. 68
    nirmal singh

    The real issue here societys conception about sex. Its seen that if you had it and have it often youre an alpha legend. If you dont people try figuring out what THEY think is wrong with you. Im an indian woman and sadly this mentality is ruining my culture as well. But let me shed a bit of reality here. First i will start with the true story of a man named bhagat puran singh. He was born out of wedlock and felt horribly guilty for this. Due to this, he chose to stay celibate his entire life. He was not a loser. He was a great man who adopted a handicapped man and raised him as his own son. Then there is nikola tesla.


    Having to resort to giving yourself to a prostitute so you think you end your misery, or resorting to telling the world about your wifes orgasmsand wetness, or french kissing. Really. As though these are things that you think will give you any social value?! Haha wow. That shows the lack of maturity. You wound up at the same place in a similar rut. Didnt get you too far.


    Anyway, to be bluntly honest – id much rather be with a man who has no sexual experience, has not had feelings for another woman, has not watched another woman having sex or her privates, and has not touched another womans body. A man who has been with another woman to whatever degree (except truly platonic non sexual friendship as if she were another man), puts too many doubts my mind. Who does he REALLY feel most attracted to? Why couldnt he stay with the first one? What diseases could he be carrying from one of these previous women? Yuck. Id much rather have a man who we can explore each others body together. A man with no sexual experience is a big turn on for me. A man who has not tainted himself with another woman, whose mind and body are showroom floor pure. A man who did not feel he had to be with a human equivalent of a public toilet – he has self control and mature enough not to need this smut. These attempts at skirting insecurities exhibit a whole host of disturbing mental issues.   I honestly dont need expensive jewelry clothes plastic surgery or other typical womens stupid excuses. For me this pure man would be the jackpot and i would be incredibly satisfied – (hed also be busy and heavily rewarded wink wink 🙂 )  

    Societys views toward sex needs to change. The world would be a different placd entirely just with this!

    (ps before anyone feels the need to ask i am over 30.)

    I know i will b recieving negative crap from some, but i dont give a rats arse. Im going to be blunt and say whats got to be said. Its far better than some of whats been said here and i really dont care because im laughing at some of you and cheering on others.

  9. 69

    I am a 56yr old male virgin who has never dated and has no sexual experience to be quite honest I am happy to be a virgin and remain a virgin. I don’t get this big thing about sex but that is probably because I am a virgin and proud to be a virgin. The probability is that I will remain a virgin for life and that is fine by me.

  10. 70

    We live in an over-sexed, perverted society. It’s just a short little act, not even anything to write home about. Have a cup of tea instead folks.

    1. 70.1
      Emily, the original


      It’s just a short little act, not even anything to write home about.

      You haven’t been with the right woman.

    2. 70.2

      @ Steve,

      Really? I’ve had a good bit of fun in that society over the course of a lifetime. Then again, I suppose “oversexed and perverted” are in the eye of the beholder.

      I agree with Emily; if you think sex is mostly worthless, then you haven’t been with the right woman. Try actually sampling the grapes, before declaring them all sour.

  11. 71

    i am over 50 and still a virgin. i also dont care. i gave up over 20 years ago and it was one of the smartest things i ever did

  12. 72

    Forget it. Go get a coffee instead and save yourself a disease from all the so-called liberated people who have used that very idea to whore themselves around like a set of genitals attached to an empty brain. Don’t waste your life thinking and yearning for a brief act that will leave you disappointed anyway. Lack of experience will send them running, and you will be back to square one all over again.

    1. 72.1

      You’re doing it wrong.

  13. 73
    lonely steve

    I am so sorry everyone 🙁 I used this page to express my own bitterness and loneliness with harsh and hurtful words, immature and unkind. total ignorance on my part.   There is some great advise here and I was foolish to ignore it with my own blind rage. To those who replied, I thank you and I apologise with great sincerity and bow my head in shame 🙁

    Good luck to all those in the predicament outlined here on these pages – I am in this too, and have been so all my life, I don’t know where to vent my feelings sometimes – I usually keep them locked away in a subconscious part of me that does not often leap from the mind onto the page like this. I will have to sort myself out, it is my own crap. Of course sex is not perverse, it is a natural part of life and essential to the progression of every species. Sexually transmitted disease is a damn serious issue and I am so unhappy I just used it so angrily without care or consideration.

  14. 74

    im   a 37 year old female who’s a virgin…why a virgin..i live in orlando, fl and its literally impossible to meet a guy here- im too pretty and beautiful and men seem to hate me and just want to hurt me.

    ive been looking for a boyfriend for 20 years now- found ONE old man who used controlled and tortured me- said i was the hottest woman he had ever seen. He refused sex with me too. I can’t lose my virginity to a random guy- has to be a BF or a FWB i trust- can’t find any of those. Can’t find a steady FWB, or a boyfriend. Most guys leave after the 1st or 2nd date or if I don’t put out. Most jerks out there want to use me and abuse me. No guys ask me out- everyone’s too scared or intimidated and they display that fear with hatred and anger. So being a hot gorgeous horny sexual virgin female, all i get is passive aggressive hatred from 98% of males out there…

    I would love to lose my virginity but since im smoking hot it’s just not possible- all men hate me and are jealous or scared of me. you think i could find ONE guy–to be a boyfriend, nope. this is a disgusting crazy and sick society where even the most desirable and sexiest people can be virgins due to all the crazies out there…im still waiting to have a boyfriend one day in life. People tell me im so hot, ask how many bf’s ive had, tell me ive probably been with tons of guys, nope. Its not possible when 99% of men run away from you b/c you’re hot…all i meet are crazy jerks online who want a one night stand. Sick weird society out there…all the men that struggle with women- deserve to b/c if those very men met an amazing good woman they’d reject her or treat her like dirt…men are scumbags

    1. 74.1

      wow very sad jenn, sorry to hear your story

  15. 75

    i dont feel much sympathy for men who say they haven’t had a girlfriend- the reason being as a woman ive been on probably 500+ dates. Out of all those dates, none produced a boyfriend. Every insecure male out there rejected me–insecure or not. Ive been rejected by basically every guy ive ever met…and im playboy material- super hot and pretty. Everyone is so damn terrified of me even though i look like any female celebrity they gawk over and worship. men worship celebrities but reject hotter women in real life. I would give every single male a chance- even if he was ugly, not my type. None of these men ever gave me a chance. ive seen 500+ men reject one of the prettiest and nicest women out there and treat her like dirt…and most men do. ive had people tell me im one of the hottest women on the planet- yet im still a virgin b/c i cant find a boyfriend, how crazy is that. No man out there wants to say “that beautiful girl is my gf.” Every man treats me as if im inferior or like trash, or tries to use me. ive never ever rejected a man but every man has rejected me…and i look like salma hayek minus the super large breasts.

    im educated, gorgeous, nice kind etc…down to earth, caring- i like fun things, not controlling not bossy–look like a playboy model, not fake..girl next door- no boyfriends ever. im outgoing and fun and every guy insults me, puts me down, treats me like sh*t. men get off on abusing me and watching me suffer…pretty much 99% of men do. If im nice to a guy- he treats me like dirt. trust me we live in a sick society full of scummy crappy horrible evil twisted people…men are some of the most disgusting pathetic people out there..the way they treat amazing women is horrible..


  16. 76

    I’m 36 y/o male virgin who is at the end of his rope!   Everyday that goes by without having the touch and companionship of a woman is another day in hell!   I frequently go on camping and hiking trips by myself and it’s hard to be all one out there by myself with no one to share   a campfire with

  17. 77
    Anelise Dantas

    I would love to meet a virgin man from 40 to 46 years old. I’m not a virgin, but I’m sure the man for me is.

  18. 78

    I dated a man who had never had a relationship before and had had one sexual partner once in his life. At first he seemed so wonderful. And then I realized there was a reason he hadn’t been in a relationship.

    The subject of the article is and the person giving advice are inferring that the subject of the article is a nice guy and well-adjusted and there’s nothing he has to change… he’s just shy.

    Perhaps he’s emotionally unavailable?   I say this from experience. I gave my ex every chance imaginable BECAUSE he hadn’t been in a relationship before. I found that he couldn’t take responsibility for his actions, wasn’t accountable, was unable to  deal with any conflict, however small. He told me stories about how he had been wronged by women and at the same time had a fairytale idea of what love and connection and intimacy was… And he didn’t respect my boundaries. And he always turned things around on me.

    Blame, blame, blame. it was really difficult. I ended up in a world of hurt.

    1. 78.1

      Once again I am 27 always rejected by females and just said to myself god loves me more than a female do and I continue to carry that with me every were   I go

  19. 79

    I’m 37 and never have a girlfriend.    I’ve always been shy,   in high school I got classmate to ask one her friends if she was interested in me.    she said she would meet me in front of the school.      I couldn’t go out to meet her for the life of me I couldnt go outside then her friend was interested me she thought I was cute both of these girls were gorgeous.    at 21 years old I got into a car accident and lost my left hand depression hit me so hard loneliness took over.    the thing is you would never guess I’m a Virgin I dress nice I take care of my appearance I could of had lost of girlfriends I have zero confidence in myself it sucks and it hurts very much that I’m alone

  20. 80


    In a way I can relate to any of you guys.To start of, the odds I have to remain single for the rest of my life are so high. I’m 35 years old, don’t have a good job(I am applying for a good job though), am not that attractive either, never had a girlfriend, but I’ve had sexual intercourse with hookers which by the way it’s not something I am proud of, to top it all off as far as I am concerned I strongly suggest you guys not even think about doing it, not even once to just lose your virginity. I lost it when I was 34, I remember I was so desperate, I felt so lonely because I’d had rejected in so several occasions I couldn’t cope no more. So since my hatred towards women had become an issue and I noticed it had grown in so many levels I decided against my morals, test of values, and christian faith to stop that volcano that was about to exploit inside of me. For now on I’ve had a handfull of meaninless sexual encounters with hookers which I don’t recommend in any way, but I don’t feel as though women owe me something as I see in many of the posts I’ve seen. Perhaps it has to do with my goals, or maybe because I am kinda used to being alone and prolly it’s gonna be my fade. However I always take my time to meet new girls, even if i know I don’t have a freaking chance, maybe her friendship is gonna lead me to a female friend of theirs who will eventually become my soul mate. I don’t lose hope yet. Hang on in there guys, never it’s too late. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *