I’m a 40-Year Old Man Who Has Never Had A Girlfriend Or Sex.

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First off, I’m glad to have found your site. Your advice is thoughtful and reasonable, unlike many others out there. Suffice to say, you’ve given me a lot to think about. So here’s my situation. This year, I will turn 40. Despite my attempts since I went to college, I am still a virgin. Yes, I’ve seen the movie, and I won’t lie: I’m afraid of becoming the archetype of that fictional character.

Over the years, I’ve learnt—albeit slowly, it seems—about many mistakes I’ve been doing. Not paying attention to women’s body language, not trying to go in for the first kiss, it’s a long laundry list of things I go “Crap, I should have done that!”.

But despite my efforts (and the assistance of friends over the years), I have never had a girlfriend or sex. As of recently, I try to find women between 25 and 42 years old. I’ve read a lot about what you’ve said about “Ineffective versus Effective” and “What I want in a woman versus what she wants about me”, and I guess I’m still a bit confused. I think that my situation (and that of other virgins in my predicament) is a little different in some ways, but also the same in others when it comes to relationships, sex, et cetera. I am an only child, and my parents are kind of old fashioned and raised me as such. I don’t usually try to go for/get a kiss on the first date, and I don’t try to force sex to happen right away.

Friends and coworkers alike have given me a huge span of advice and suggestions, from “sowing my oats” with a professional escort/hooking up with an “easy” college girl, to being persistent and trying to find that “special one”.

Eventually, I want to buy one or several of your products, but anything constructive you can offer me would be highly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mo

Dear Mo,

As a dating coach for women, I rarely run letters from men. But maybe I should do it a little more, considering that 54% of my readers (according to Google Analytics) are actually men. And if you’ve been reading for a while, Mo, you know that I do two things with each reader question:

  1. 10% of the time, I’ll provide validation that the reader is 100% correct in her assessment of things. That generally means saying something like, “He’s a jerk. Dump him. Move on.” The problem with these questions is that they’re boring. There’s only so many ways to say, “You’re right!” which make for a boring advice column. Which is why most of my advice veers towards…
  2. 90% of the time, I’ll let you know what you’re doing/thinking/believing that is not getting you results. Either that means shining the light into a blind spot and giving you an idea of what you can’t see, or it’s telling you how to conduct yourself differently to get different results.

In your situation, I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

I have a feeling you already know everything you have to do. You’re just not doing it.

That makes giving unique advice a little bit tricky, you know?

Now, I’ve written about this stuff before.

I’ve talked about how passionate, competent guys get the girl.

I’ve talked about how nice guys (with balls) finish first.

I’ve talked about how women should value nice guys a little more.

But it doesn’t really matter what I say. Telling women to value nice guys more is like telling men to value older, heavier women more. People want what people want. At the end of the day, we all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You’ve had a lot of time to think about this, my friend. You’ve gone over the laundry list of things you could have done differently over the years. You may have valid excuses in how you were raised, but it really doesn’t matter if you were raised old-fashioned. You’ve been on your own for 20 years now.

So what constructive advice can I offer you? Should you lose your virginity with a pro just to get it over with? Should you hold out for someone special? I would suggest no to both options.

In fact, the biggest problem you have surrounding sex is that you’re making WAY too big a deal about it. Apart from the fact that sex can create babies, in 99% of cases, it’s just a fun thing that people do when they’re attracted to each other. By not carrying yourself with confidence, not asking out more women, not making the first move, not pushing to go further, and not seeing yourself as a sexual being, you’ve projected yourself to women as safe and asexual as well. It’s time to reboot and start from scratch.

We all have two choices: stay exactly as we are right now and wait until we find someone who appreciates us, or adjust who we are to become appealing to more people.

You don’t need to have sex tomorrow.
You don’t need to have sex with someone you love.
You need to make up for lost time and catch up with what everyone else was doing from 14-21.

I rarely plug my own products on here, but you should begin with Finding the One Online, my online dating audio series. It’s much easier and more accessible (for nice guys) than going to pubs to hit on hot 27-year-olds. Despite the sales page being written for women, Finding the One Online is actually a unisex product, created in 2008 for both men AND women. It’s helped thousands of people choose a dating site, write better profiles, post better photos, understand the opposite sex, and learn to move from email to the phone to the real life date.

Instead of skipping steps and worrying about getting naked with someone, you just need the experience of being around women, learning to act on your attraction, and demystifying this sex thing that you’ve built up in your mind. One step at a time. Go on a bunch of dates. Build up your dating skills. Get more confidence. And when it’s time for you to have sex, you’ll be as ready as any man ever was.

Click here to learn more about Finding the One Online and how it can attract more, high quality prospects on your dating site than you ever imagined possible.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    COCO

    Hi guys I am a 35 year old virgin girl and at times I feel like killing myself. It just feels like the worst thing to ever happen. I also hate my job. I managed to Publish a story book , but it did not sell as many copies as it was supposed to. I wish I could just die a.s.a.p. I fell in love with 2 guys in my entire life but somehow it did not result in marriage. Currently, I am talking to a guy for the past 3 months but at times he just texts me late nights. I suspect he is hiding a girl-friend hence texting me at inappropriate hours. At times I wonder what I am doing on this planet ?It would have been better if I was involved in a job that I loved but that’s not happening.   I think   I am the biggest loser here so anyone feeling bad can always read this and cheer themselves up! Lol……but   I am not laughing.

  2. 82
    David

    I’m 46 and never had sex with a woman.   I’ve also never had a girlfriend.   I’m a highly intelligent man, but not one blessed with good looks or lots of cash (therefore no women give me a second thought).

    Someone else in this conversation mentioned that anyone over 35 who’s still a virgin has something wrong with them.   I’d have to agree with that.   I’ve never even been able to make long-lasting friendships due to the mindfuck my childhood did on me.

    I’ll die a virgin.   It’s just another thing to add to the fire of my rage that’s building inside.   Good things aren’t for me, obviously.   The things that are normal for others are insurmountable for me (other than academics).   I’m surprised I haven’t done anything drastic to this point.

    1. 82.1
      Malika

      Hi David:

      You are not alone here on this forum.

      I’m 35 and am also still technically a virgin. I have done everything-but-all-the-way with men, but due to a sexual disfunction called vaginism which was due to childhood abuse, it hasn’t happened yet.  Making lasting healthy  friendships was a challenge for a long time. And as for dating… That was a series of  car crashes until the combination of introspection, this website and a good sexologist put me on the right path. A relationship has eluded me since i was 22 and i still struggle with the disfunction but it has gotten a lot better.

      Have you ever talked about this with a therapist? I know that sounds like a trite question, but it can help you with the rage. I have had moments of great frustration seeing my cohorts seemingly skip into relationships, while I couldn’t make a dating situation last for longer than two months.  When you see people your own age hitting all the sexual and relationship milestones and you feel you are being left behind, it can do a number on your self esteem. And if you don’t have close friendships, you don’t get the kind of intimate talk which can make you see that others have had their own struggle regarding these issues. All you see is the facade of the relationship, which can look misleadingly smooth and struggle free, as most people don’t air their dirty laundry in public.

      Evan suggests to go the nearest mall and to look around you at the couples walking around. Do the men really ALL look better and more debonair than you? Chances are that they are not. In my case, not ALL the women looked better and more confident than me. That drove the point home for me that it was my internal struggles rather than my ‘value’ on the dating market, something which is highly subjective anyway.

      It’s very easy to judge yourself heavily for being alone, and in our down moments nearly everyone on this comment board has done that. And i am not discounting the heavily negative feelings we can have because we don’t have a partner and wish we did, that is very normal and it is a part of being single in a society that praises people for being in a relationship (whether people are happy or unhappy within it doesn’t seem to factor as much).  But we all have worth, outside our relationship skills, and therefore so do you.

  3. 83
    Paul

    I’m a 37 year old man and I have never kissed a woman — and no woman has ever tried to kiss me. I stay in good shape, dress well and have a great sense of humour, but I never approach women because I’m realistic enough to know that there’s a 100% chance I’ll be completely rejected by every woman I might try to introduce myself to. I have many woman friends, but no matter what anyone tells me, the fact is, I cannot see how it could be remotely possible for any woman to be attracted to me in *that* way — so I’m doomed to remain chronically single.

    1. 83.1
      Marika

      Paul

      I would second Malika’s suggestion to see a therapist. Not because there’s anything ‘wrong’ with you (or I can pretend to understand what you’re going through), but I see a lot of negative thought patterns and catastrophising in the way you speak about yourself and dating.

      Dating certainly involves rejection (for all of us!), but if you can get to a place, with some professional assistance, where you can put ‘rejection’ in its rightful place (just their opinion of not being the right fit), things will get better for you.

      Also, have you tried online dating? A virtual approach online is far less scary than approaching a strange woman on the street.

      1. 83.1.1
        Paul

        Hi Marika – thanks for your reply.   I do not find the prospect of approaching daunting in the slightest because the outcome every time would be guaranteed rejection.   Given this, there is no point in bringing more pain – however temporary – into  my life.   I have not tried online dating for the same reason.   I have seen several therapists in the past, none of whom were able to help.

        1. Marika

          Paul

          Have you ever missed out on a job you wanted? Did you keep applying for jobs and attending interviews?

          Have you ever missed out on buying or renting a property? Did you keep applying for properties, going to open houses etc.?

          I understand that dating is more emotionally charged and less vital to survival than a job and shelter. I also understand that you appear to have had no success at all to date. But in reading your way of thinking as regards to dating, I can understand why. Much like recruiters & real estate agents, women aren’t going to turn up at your house and ask you out. If you won’t approach women and won’t go online, then it’s pretty certain that you will remain single. If you do approach women, there’s a greater than 0% chance that someone will say yes (even if it’s 0.01% – although I personally think that’s artificially low – it’s still greater than 0%). If you didn’t still have at least some hope, you wouldn’t be here on this site.

          Google Karl R’s comments when you get a chance. He’s a guy who admitted to not having great success with women in his younger years, he changed his perception and mindset and expectations – he’s now happily married. I’m not there yet, but I do know that if you are steeped in negativity, you have no chance of making things better. I also know that the only way of getting better at dating is to keep practising your dating skills. All the best.

    2. 83.2
      Tyrone

      “Knowing” that there is a 100% chance you’ll be rejected by every woman, everywhere, ever isn’t realistic at all.

      1. 83.2.1
        Paul

        To Marika and Tyrone – thank you for your advice.   There is zero evidence that any woman is or has ever been interested in me, and as such I logically conclude that  none (0%) are / have been.   Given this, and as well that  some (not all) women will accuse a man of harassment for just smiling and saying a friendly ‘Hi’,  I believe  attempting to approach any woman from  my position of having zero experience is extremely risky.   As such, it’s not just the guarantee of  rejection which stops me from approaching, but the real possibility of a false accusation being leveled against me.

  4. 84
    Paul

    I’m 43 and have never asked a woman out in my life and no woman has ever given me the slightest indication she’s interested in me.   I will never make a first move because rejection would always be guaranteed.

  5. 85
    James

    I have dated many women but really never had a steady girlfriend at all.   And all the women that i have dated always made some kind of excuse not to be in a steady relationship themselves.   They would tell me that i am too young to be in a relationship since i was in my early twenties at that time when i first stated to go out which most women even at my age just wanted to sleep around with different men all the time.   I always hated to go out all the time since even though that i was in my early twenties i still was hoping to have a steady girlfriend to have a real relationship with which it still never happened.   I started going out at the age of 21 which was back in 1975 which like i just mentioned i really hated it from the very beginning since it was like playing a game that you can’t win at all.   Women in my time were the same age as well since they never wanted a steady boyfriend at all either since i just mentioned that they just wanted to sleep around with as many men as they can as well as getting wasted and being completely drunk all the time.   A very excellent reason why i never had a steady girlfriend at all since i really had no reason to blame myself anyway since most of the women in my time were real slutty to begin with unfortunately.   And going to the bar at that time sure didn’t help the situation either since   like they say you pay for what you get.   Since i was born in 1954 which i didn’t start going out until 1975 when i did turn 21 that year which really sucked from the very beginning for me.   I really never had any friends at all since they were always getting in trouble which i never needed that at all.   So it was very hard for me to get invited to parties since i really had no friends to invite me anyway which it would’ve made it much easier to maybe just to meet a nice girl to really connect with which never happened unfortunately.   So when i moved from New York To New Jersey which i eventually met my Ex Wife thinking at that time that i had finally found real love since we were together for almost 15 years until she cheated on me which destroyed my marriage after that.   She turned out to be the low life pathetic loser that i never knew since this really hurt me real bad since it took a very long time for me to heal.   Now going out all over again is the hardest part for me since i am now at the age of 63 which makes it very difficult to meet a good woman more my age since they’re always having a lot of trouble with their grown up older children which they just don’t want to be in a relationship anymore since i really can’t blame them at all either since they been through enough themselves.   Very extremely difficult to find real love as you can see for many of us good men still looking and hoping since many of us men in the same situation will never give up at all.   Sucks to really be single and alone especially at are age when many of you really are a lot younger than us which you should make the right choice before you get involved with someone.   Good luck.

  6. 86
    Katie

    ” i never had a steady girlfriend at all since i really had no reason to blame myself anyway since most of the women in my time were real slutty to begin with “

    ” I really never had any friends at all since they were always getting in trouble which i never needed that at all. “

    “Now going out all over again is the hardest part for me since i am now at the age of 63 which makes it very difficult to meet a good woman more my age since they’re always having a lot of trouble with their grown up older children “

     

    Have you considered the possibility that the problem might be you and NOT be all the other people in the world?

     

     

    1. 86.1
      James

      Why should i blame myself to begin with?   Most women unfortunately today are just down right very horrible since they just don’t know how to have a normal conversation with us men when we will try to talk too them.   And it appears to me that many of these women at one time or another had been very badly abused by the men that they were with which now they really think that many of us men out there are very bad.   There are many of us good men that really do know how to treat a good woman with a lot of love and respect which they just don’t want to give many of us men a chance at all.

      1. 86.1.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        James, you’ve posted on here 61 times (under this name). It’s the same sad sack story every time about how you’re a nice guy and women suck. Go pick up a copy of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover and come back when you’re done, okay? Good luck.

      2. 86.1.2
        Sum Guy

        “Most women unfortunately today are just down right very horrible since they just don’t know how to have a normal conversation with us men when we will try to talk too them. ”

        What’s the context?    Every date I’ve been on I’ve had a normal conversation, scintillating not often, sometimes banal, women always seem to be good at small talk.   That’s basically a normal conversation when you just meet someone.

         

        Sex, politics, religion, etc. generally not a conversation a person wants to have until they really know you or feel a connection.

  7. 87
    Hrumpf

    “If you do approach women, there’s a greater than 0% chance that someone will say yes (even if it’s 0.01% — although I personally think that’s artificially low — it’s still greater than 0%).”

    Same thing.

     

  8. 88
    Robert

    I didn’t lose my virginity, until after I turned 40, with a woman who I thought was my girlfriend.   I wasn’t a believer in casual sex.   Still not.   Up to that point, we were together for a year.    I thought this was ok.   We were monogamous. When she dumped me, just over a year ago, she informed me, we were “just friends”.   After doing a bunch of reading, to determine what kind of relationship, we actually had,   “FWB”, was the closest explanation I could find.   I was disappointed.   Before she came along, I knew something was missing, but it didn’t bother me that much.   Now I’m just miserable.   Don’t be too hard on yourself.   “Normal” is over rated.   Don’t force it.   One important rule:   Women aren’t responsible for mens sex.

  9. 89
    Adam

    Advice can be difficult for someome who always gets rejected by women.

  10. 90
    Jeffrey S.

    This is becoming very common now.   There are so many members of both sexes that just cannot handle all the b.s. in dealing with people in the 2000’s. Furthermore, women who marry eventually want to start a family.   There are too many reasons now for not getting married – too much that can go wrong that will drag one through doors he or she never thought possible. Offspring that are born with special needs can really drain financial resources, no matter how well off the parents are.

    50 and more years ago, this might not have been the case. There was far more respect of one another in society in all regards.   What people said was what they meant. WWII generations and values collapsed in the 1960’s, and nothing worthwhile came up to replace it.

     

  11. 91
    His looks might be the problem.

    It’s time we  rethink how much things like looks and other physical shortcomings play a role in situations like these.   If a man is any combination of short, fat, facially ugly or disabled, he’s gonna have a VERY hard time. If he’s also poor?   Then he’s _really_ in for a rough time!   Women are every bit as visual as men, and it’s time we stopped denying it.   A man’s looks matter, and they matter A LOT more than we’re comfortable admitting.   The way my dating life changed after fixing my own looks proved this point – completely, irrefutably and DRAMATICALLY.

    Before then, I was just like this guy.   Spent many years devouring self-help books and putting them into practice, yet it didn’t help.   Friends would try to set me up, and it was always the same story.   “He’s a great guy, but just not my type”. I endured over 20 years of constant rejection and frustration despite my best efforts. By the way, I DIDN’T DARE GO AFTER THE BEAUTIFUL ONES. Made that mistake once in high school and got a brutal lesson in what my league was.   “Staying in your lane” wasn’t my problem.

    Fast forward to today.   TWO  years of bodybuilding and $18,000 in plastic surgery proved FAR more effective than TWENTY years of trying to improve my “inner beauty” enough that  someone could overlook my physical appearance!   I went from constant rejection, to being overwhelmed with options and not knowing how to handle it.

    Most people never experience both sides of the fence, going from “goose” to “swan”, and that plays a huge part in why so much dating advice is, quite frankly, bullshit. Looks matter, and if you don’t make that hurdle first, you ain’t going anywhere with her. Point blank and period.

    So much dating advice has basic attractiveness requirements attached for it to work, and we’re doing more harm than good by not acknowledging this.   When a guy is in his 30s and 40s, yet never had a girlfriend, he’s either got serious problems with his looks or something mental going on.

    1. 91.1
      Kenley

      I completely agree about the importance of looks for men.   One of my all time favorite shows just returned to tv – Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.   Those men work MIRACLES with men’s appearance.   Many men who seem unattractive at first blush can go through an amazing transformation with a good hair cut and updated clothes that fit well.

  12. 92
    Allen

    I’m 37 and have never had a girlfriend or sex — or even been kissed. I’m not the kind of guy who’s willing to pay for it — which sadly, is the only way I could ever experience any form of physical intimacy. No woman could ever want me, so I never ask women out because rejection — at a bare minimum is always guaranteed — if not worse (she’d likely accuse me of harassment just for smiling and saying Hi).Online dating is a complete waste of time for me — no woman would ever look at me — and if I were to message a woman, there is no chance whatsoever I’d get a reply. Other guys get dates, girlfriends, etc., because they are attractive men — at least to somebody. I am fundamentally unattractive to women, so please don’t tell me that dating is a numbers game, to gain confidence, or to put myself out there and get rejected by every woman out there. There is zero chance any woman could be sexually attracted to me, so there is no point in trying.

  13. 93
    Kev

    A study showed 49% of women would date virgins.   lol

    More like less than 1%.

  14. 94
    John W,

    To answer the guy who is 40 and doesn’t have a girl friend or never had sex! Stay the way you are ! I find women in general the one who wear the pants not the guy, he has nothing to say in a marriage. I’ve been married 50 years and only had sex a few times, maybe the last 40 years or so without. I like the last 40 years, I’m not interested in her and sex, I was honest I told her my feelings. Of course there was all this drama but that was just to bad. She was welcome to leave any time she wanted but still hasn’t. I have to say I’m not gay or interested in any one else, that would be lame and inhuman.

  15. 95
    Sea

    Hit the gym, get swole. Become aesthetic and at least a few women will make very blatant moves.

    Buy clothes that accentuate your now v-tapped torso and powerful legs. Get a tan(but don’t overdo the tanning beds if you use those). If you are balding or if your hair is thinning, get an hair transplant. Dye your hair if it’s going grey/white.

    Give up on trying to get with women half your age. Try to get with women your own age or older.

    Lower your standards and date overweight/obese women, and above all don’t despair. Throughout history millions of men, for one reason or another, didn’t managed to get laid or to get a wife.

    There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just how things are for many men who are physically unattractive or too shy to make a move, and just enjoy your life. Don’t become fixated on your ”virginal” status.

  16. 96
    Sea

    Allen at #92

    The majority of men are obese. That means that they’re not exactly attractive. If women were only interested in hot men, they would go decades without a date let alone a husband, a father for their kids, or a guy to be in a FWB with.

    I’ve met men who complain that women are not interested in them, that no one finds them to be attractive, but what I realized over the years is that they actually mean, ”women out of my league don’t want anything to do with me, as I can’t get them based off my looks, or personality, or money and so I’m going to ignore the overweight women who honestly want to date me.”

    Every guy can get a girlfriend. Every guy can get sex, and I’m not talking about the paying-kind-of-sex.   There’s way too many men who aim too high and fall short, and when they are rejected by women who are conventionally attractive these guys lash out and complain that women have standards too high or that they themselves, the men, are unloveable and that they’re going to spend the rest of their lives alone.

    No, bro. That’s not how it is in real life.

    1. 96.1
      Yet Another Guy

      @Sea

      Actually, it is much more difficult for men to get laid than women because women are the gatekeepers to sex.   If we want to talk attempting to date out of their league, that is the standard mode of operation for 80% most of the female population because women find 80% of the male population to be of less than average attractiveness.   There are several studies that bear this one out.   I am lucky enough to be part of the 20% of men in my age cohort who women find to be of at least average attractiveness.   My dating life is radically different than than of most of my single peer-age male friends.     The 80% of men who women consider to be of less than average attractiveness compete for the bottom 20% of the female population until a member of the bottom 80% of the female population is ready to settle.   There is no such thing as a female INCEL.

  17. 97
    Norton

    I have learned in recent years most guys are not getting laid anymore.   Is everyone drinking the kool-aid?   Women have set their expectations impossibly high and they like to pretend we men are the ones with the problem.   Wake up.   The female gender is on a warpath of empowerment and political correctness.   All of this is tied together.

  18. 98
    Richard

    Hi, I’m Richard and I’m 39 this month and I’ve never had a girlfriend or had sex, when I was younger I was shy around girls and didn’t like asking them out in case I embarrassed them or upset them in some way, since then I’ve asked several women out over the years but I get the same answer back each time, ”your a nice chap with a heart of gold who deserves to find someone…but”, I’m always too much of a friend or too much of a nice chap or just not my type. My problem is I’m only average looking and going bold, I have no confidence when asking women out as I’ve always been let down, I’ve only been on 2 dates with women and both of them the female only went on a date with me to make another guy jealous, at school I was bullied for being the only lad in my class that hadn’t (apparently) had a girlfriend or had sex, yet I’ve seen and know Some absolute horrible men who can get girlfriends like they’re going out of fashion and think to myself why are they constantly getting girlfriends yet I can’t even get one. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy with my life and have lots of female friends who I help you when they need someone but that’s the problem I’m always just a friend.

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