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dating coach for smart, strong, successful women Evan Marc Katz
I have kind of a delicate question that I can’t exactly ask the guys I date about. Now that I am 33 and am dating guys between age 30-36 I have noticed a change in their sexual performance. The last 4 guys I have dated have had issues in the bedroom and it has got me wondering if this is just what happens to guys when they hit this age? They all have one thing in common which is the first time we slept together, none of them could finish. This happened the 1st or 2nd time we slept together. Is that nerves? Then once sleeping together got more regular, I noticed the following. One guy has a hard time getting hard even if he has had 1 beer; it gets hard, goes away, and is super frustrating at the end of the night. Another guy just consistently had trouble finishing and could just go forever. None of them seemed particularly interested in morning sex either. I am left feeling bad as if I am the one being demanding. It makes me feel awkward initiating sex with them. None of them had as high of a sex drive as I seem to have which surprises me. Is this the new normal for men in their 30’s? I miss dating guys who had no problems. Thanks!  

Sue

There are multiple questions in your question, Sue.

  1. Do men in their 30’s routinely experience sexual dysfunction?
  2. Do men in their 30’s have lower sex drives than men in their 20’s?

Those questions have two different answers, so let’s take them separately:

According to WebMD, only 2% of men report erectile dysfunction before age 40, so, no, it is not common for a man to not be able to get it up in his early 30’s.  

At the same time, there are any number of reasons that a man may experience temporary erectile dysfunction, many of which have nothing to do with you. If he’s stressed with work, if he’s feeling bad about his life or his body, if he’s not healthy, if he is depressed or anxious or is taking medication for depression or anxiety…all of these could impact a man’s performance, including getting it up, keeping it up, and finishing.

There are any number of reasons that a man may experience temporary erectile dysfunction, many of which have nothing to do with you.

Which is why it’s important for you to understand this difference between men and women. If a woman is dry, she can still, technically have sex. If a man has any of the above issues, he can’t. Meaning, there is a much greater burden on a man’s performance. Factor in the fear of not being able to perform, and, well, it doesn’t surprise me if that 2% number is higher in reality.

Next, regarding your frustrations with the decreasing male libido…

Sorry, Sue. You’re shit out of luck.

Men’s testosterone peaks in their teens and early adult years and decreases about 1-2% every year after age 30. Hell, I reached my peak before I ever lost my virginity.

On the other hand, a peak in testosterone doesn’t necessarily correlate with a sexual peak. This article on How Stuff Works links to a study in which men report their own sexual peak at age 33. But, at a certain point, it doesn’t matter which study is “right.”

On the bright side, men often become more relationship-oriented over time because they’re not as driven mindlessly by testosterone.

What matters is that, yes, men’s libido decreases over time, and, apart from a few outliers, this is what happens to people as they age. On the bright side, men often become more relationship-oriented over time because they’re not as driven mindlessly by testosterone.

Life is about tradeoffs, my dear. You’ll find very few married couples in their 40’s having sex daily, but as long as they’re having it once a week, they remain happy and connected.

Your thoughts, below, are always appreciated.