Why Does My Boyfriend Only Want Sex a Few Times A Week?

My Husband Refuses to Have Sex with Me
24 Shares

Dear Evan,

I have a problem with my boyfriend and our sex life.

I want sex more often than he does. I have never had this problem before in other relationships and it’s starting to make me feel rejected.

We have sex two or three times a week, but the other day I wanted it again in the morning (we had it the night previously) and I came onto him and he pushed me away saying he had just been in the shower.

I’ve always been told I’m attractive and have never had any problems with men before so I don’t know why now. We’ve only been going out for about 7 months and in the beginning (before we slept together) he was really eager, but a couple of months down the line it’s all slowed down. He’s even told me I’m the best sex he’s ever had so what’s going wrong? I don’t know how to handle it.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I get this question as much as any other question. Except for maybe the “He’s just not that into me” question, which takes on many forms.

But I haven’t tried to tackle it until now, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. I’m no Dan Savage/Sari Locker/Dr. Ruth sexologist. I’m just a dating coach who’s dated a lot and spends 90% of his waking hours talking about dating, sex and relationships. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

You didn’t say how old you are, Sarah, and that’s relevant to the conversation. Because a man’s sex drive — and testosterone level – is highest when he’s 18, and a woman peaks in her late 30’s. (If I’m off, forgive me.) What this means is that as our hormones slow down, we meet up with women who’ve never wanted it more. You can see how this can cause a problem.

You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Instead of taking his lack of desire personally, I’d take it to heart when he says you’re the best he’s ever had. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to want to have sex as much as you. You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Plus, one’s sex drive is highly individualized. For many, sex is best when it’s exciting and new. Once you’ve been together for seven months, the attraction may still be there, but the excitement may not be. This is why some men turn to porn, and others, to infidelity. Lust may be enough to start a relationship but, in and of itself, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. Are there some couples who have extraordinary sex lives? Sure. But there are many more who, after a long day at work, just want to go to sleep.

And that’s another thing to consider — sex, done properly, is a lot of work. It’s fun work, no doubt, but in order to do the proper foreplay and pleasing and switching positions and stamina thing, you need a lot of time and energy. And frankly, we don’t always want to be all adrenalized and sweaty at 1am, especially if we have to wake up at 6:45am….

You might think these are all lame excuses — that true passion transcends time and energy — that real attraction never wanes and that the mere thought of your lover should get you excited. But that’s not true. Not for everybody. In fact, there’s a very crude adage that I heard once upon a time which made a strong impression on me:

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fucking her.”

Ouch.

It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work.

I don’t endorse the language, nor do I endorse the sentiment, but the underlying point rings true (for BOTH sexes). It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work. This doesn’t mean you should despair — nor does it mean that your boyfriend’s not interested in sex. From this guy’s standpoint — 2 to 3 times a week is a decent sex life. And if that’s not satisfactory, you might need to consider alternative plans.

I wish you the best of luck.

Join our conversation (146 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 21
    Sarah G

    Maybe Sarah in the post should turn to porn and satisfy herself on the off nights. I mean, it would take care of things, right? I have some girlfriends whose libidos are higher than their guys’ and it is frustrating. And, as some of you have pointed out, people aren’t sympathetic in general to that particular plight on the part of the female. It’s a bummer. But I am a big advocate of women taking all matters sexual into their own hands, with a partner or no. (Especially if not.) I mean, guys don’t sit around waiting for us to give it up — if aren’t getting it and they want it, they go out and get it, or do it themselves, or set up a big howl. So that’s my two cents: go out and get it, do it yourself, or set up a big howl.

  2. 22
    Sarah G

    Re: DeathSlayer — that’s not a real person, is it? It’s like a spoof, I think. I think those posts are hysterical! I just wish that we could see a picture, too, of the superhero outfit. I imagine a black cape, a Darth Vader mask, and a big foam penis. I bet he’s about 17 and ripe for the picking. I wouldn’t mind being a cougar (relatively speaking) for one night, so I’d “settle” for a date with him. Then again, I’m a little hard up these days. Alas.

  3. 23
    Sarah G

    Sorry, DS–didn’t mean to sound insulting about “settling” for you. I realize that that sounded a little insulting. But I still think you are a spoof. Is your name an allusion to something sci-fi-ish?

  4. 24
    Deathslayer

    Sorry, DS didn’t mean to sound insulting about settling for you.
    *
    Not bothered or insulted at all.

    I realize that that sounded a little insulting. But I still think you are a spoof. Is your name an allusion to something sci-fi-ish?
    *
    Nah, the name actually reminds me to never take things personally and to get the job done, speak the truth and always use logic and common sense.

    I imagine a black cape, a Darth Vader mask, and a big foam penis. I bet he’s about 17 and ripe for the picking.
    *
    Sorry to disappoint, but I’m mid 30’s studying for my COMPTIA A+/Net+ exams and trying to be a student of the BOFH ways…but I’m not a Star Wars Fan. More of a classic samurai fan.

    Deathslayer

  5. 25
    Deathslayer

    From a wise older man:

    A woman’s aggression

    Ever hear the old saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?

    A guy might get disgruntled and a bit pissed off when a woman he wants to sleep with turns him down, but turn down a woman who wants to have sex with you (for whatever convoluted reasons) and she will absolutely hate your guts.

    During my freshman year in college, my Residence Hall Assistant (upperclassman with light admin duties for the floor and the general purpose of helping kids adjust to college life) was a guy who was 6’8″. For part of that year he “dated” or hung out with a woman who was 4’10”. One day I heard terrible crashing sounds coming
    from the hallway and poked my head out to see her kicking the $#$% out of his door.

    “He’s not there” I said. “YES HE IS” she shouted back at me. She kicked the door a few more times and I said “If he was in there, he would surely come out to see who was trying to kick down his door and why.”

    I invited her into my room to sit down and calm down. She was babbling on about how she knew he was in there and was just afraid to come out and face her. Now there is a fascinating concept which shows the lie in all the feminist drivel about Domestic Violence.

    At 6’8″, the guy weighed about 250 lbs even though he was skinny as hell. This “little woman” weighed maybe 90 lbs, if that. Yet, she was totally convinced that he was afraid of her. Why? For the same reason that a badger or wolverine can drive a bear many times its size off a kill – pure, raw, unbridled aggression unrestrained by any decency or civil/interpersonal values.

    Now, the really interesting part is just why she was so pissed off.

    “Do you want to hear the lame-assed excuse he gave me for not sleeping with me?” she asked.

    “No.” I responded.

    “First of all, I am not the least bit interested in his sex life.
    Second, he has a right to his privacy.”

    Men apologize to women because if they don’t women will continue to attack them viciously, relentlessly, in any way they can until the guy does apologize. The guy could have batted her away like an annoying pup if he had chosen, but he was restrained by a value system which limited his aggression and the level of his attacks,
    while she suffered from no such limitations of civility and decency. Women throughout this culture are given social permission to go as psychotic as they feel like and they know it will be excused by the cultural perception of women’s uncontrollable emotionality.

    Look at all the people who jumped to the defense of Andrea Yates
    for killing her kids or Clara Harris for killing her husband while his own daughter watched.

    Over the years, the most vicious attacks I have endured from women have come as a result of refusing to sleep with them. Flying into a screaming hysterical rage is one of the favorite tactics of women to take men off guard and manipulate their reflexes to throw them into the fight or flight arousal complex. Because men are so socially conditioned that they should “never hit a woman” under any circumstances, the option of fighting is unavailable to them so they flee the emotional battleground by admitting guilt and apologizing.

    It is the equivalent of waving the white flag of surrender.

    Most of the women I have observed over the years are emotional terrorists. It is so acceptable in this culture that women can proudly wear “Bitch!” t-shirts etc, and also love the saying “if mom isn’t happy, then NOBODY is happy.”

    Men apologize because women wear them down with these tactics and most men are worn out enough from trying to make a living that they will give away just about anything for a little peace and quiet when they get home.

    “A guy gets up at 7:00 so he can make it to the work battlefield by 8:00, why the hell would he rush home so he can get to that
    battlefield by 5:30?”

    This is just one of many areas in which women quite successfully play both ends against the middle. They have the cultural fiction behind them that women want relationships more than they want sex, and more than men want relationships. But, they count on the fact that the man actually wants emotional intimacy and closeness more than they do so they can use that as a weapon against men and hold the relationship hostage to their whims –

    “you’d better do what I want, or I will ‘break’ the positive feelings between us!”

    Men are always going to lose this game of emotional brinkmanship unless and until they learn how to play it and become willing to play it. When a woman says “I want you to leave” or sets your stuff by the door, say “OK” and be outta there. It won’t be 24 hours before she is calling you begging for you to come back and playing all sorts of sweetness and seductive games to try to lure you back within her range.

    Deathslayer

  6. 26
    vino

    BTW, I’m waiting for the ladies of the board to accuse Sarah of being an animal or shallow much in the same way men have been on other threads. I’m reminded of the frequent complaint “All guys want is sex”

    Shoe’s on the other foot, no?

    Or perhaps neither sex is the animal the other paints it as. Perhaps there is *gasp* more in common sometimes.

    Perish the thought!

  7. 27
    JerseyGirl

    I love the fact that men are so sexual. What I don’t love is when men in relationships project that sexuality onto other women instead of where it belongs, with their women.

    1. 27.1
      joek

      Umm…and how does that relate in any way to this post?

  8. 28
    Steve

    Deathslayer & Vino;

    I’m serious when I write that a legitimate piece of advice I can give the both of you is that being bitter toward women or feminists will reduce the number of dates you get. Even if you are slick and never say anything insulting to anyone’s face dwelling on your disappointments will get you into habits that will sabotage your relationships without you even being aware of it most of the time.

    There is a lot of unfairness in the dating & mating world ( going both ways ). That will never go away. If you complain about it often enough occasionally you will get someone to admit “yes, that is true”, but the unfairness will never go away.

    You will be happier if you look to find a way to be happy while existing in a world with injustice.

    If that advice sounds like a bunch of BS to you at least consider going to an internet forum that is set up for the kind of venting you want to do.

    Evan’s blog is here to help people get more out of dating.

    Your complaints are only tangentially related at the very very best.

    1. 28.1
      Dina Strange

      Great words!

  9. 29
    vino

    Who said I was unhappy? Please do not place your projections upon me. In fact, I think I’m being pretty positive about things. Did you even read my last post?

    Steve, with all due respect, please do not place YOUR judgments upon me or how YOU think I should act. YOUR characterization of being “bitter towards feminists” is just that: your characterization.

    “dwelling on disappointments” – where did I ever say that? Or ds for that matter? I didn’t. Your made-up characterization.

    “If you complain about it often enough occasionally you will get someone to admit yes, that is true, but the unfairness will never go away.”
    Pointing out less-than-altruistic conduct of both sexes (which I do) doesn’t make it go away, but certainly points out where some others may recognize said behaviors and act in their best interests. BTW, that applies equally to both sexes. Getting more out of dating includes looking at questionable behavior of both sexes, no?

    So, according to you, ds and I should be good little boys and ‘go along to get along’ on any subject even when it’s not in our best interests? Same thing for other female posters who may disagree with some men? Respectfully, that is unreasonable.

    If you do not like what or how anyone else writes, you have a very simple choice – don’t read it. I do not mean this in an unkind way, but please spare me the sanctimony.

  10. 30
    vino

    JerseyGirlApr 1st 2008 at 10:16 pm 27

    “I love the fact that men are so sexual. What I don’t love is when men in relationships project that sexuality onto other women instead of where it belongs, with their women.”

    There’s the rub, JG. Unless I misread you, you seem to indicate that sexuality in an relationship, and therefore the control over sex, belongs with a woman. Do you see that as a potential problem? Power is best shared by both.

    I saw a funny Bill Maher bit about sex regarding mutual fantasies. He said there aren’t any.
    “Our (men’s) fantasies offend you (women). Yours (women’s fantasies) bore us (men).”

    Give & take – applied to sexuality. Not always easy, but the ideal, no?

    1. 30.1
      Lily

      My fantasies make my man wild for me! Sexting can add a whole new dimension to your sex life.

    2. 30.2
      Jina

      Vino you make a good point there but doing everything you can and your boyfriend still doesn’t want it as much as you do, doing some of his fantasies & barely some of yours then when you say no because they didn’t want it as much as you they get upset about it yet their the ones that have made you feel rejected in the bedroom.

  11. 31
    Steve

    Vino ( & Deathslayer);

    I’m not judging anyone. My life isn’t perfect and there are parts of it that I am not happy about. In that way I am just like you and everyone else here.

    Just having been alive for a while I’ve observed that men who are successful with women tend not invest a lot of time in complaining about them, feminists or anyone else( likewise for women ).

    By going on about them, especially in a fora where that is not the topic, you risk giving people the mistaken impression that you are losing out on something in life that is important to you.

    I’m not writing this to offend you. I’m an ordinary human being with my gripes and I think he world would be a better place if people could let go of their gripes.

    It is easier said then done, but find something that pushes your happiness buttons. Keep your attention focused on that as much as you can rather than festering on people who disappointed you.

    You will be amazed at the good things that will just fall into place.

  12. 32
    vino

    “I’m not judging anyone.”

    Respectfully, you are. Now that’s been said, let’s move on.

    Any thoughts on JG’s post? Or my response?

  13. 33
    cinnamon

    So far, I do not find vino’s comments bitter towards women.
    If I could sum up all his posts that I’ve read so far, he is advocating for more open communication in various contexts.

    With respect to JG’s post, I read her post as saying that she doesn’t like when men are paying a lot of attention to women other that their own one (she earlier mentioned watching porn, in this contect) and how destructing this can be for the actual relationship.

  14. 34
    Steve

    No I don’t and without any offense meant I am completely unapologetic for anything I have written. I meant every word truthfully and without offense.

  15. 35
    vino

    We have a winner Johnny! – Someone who gets me. Love ya, cinn. 😉

    I did misread JG’s post. Thx for pointing it out.

  16. 36
    Selena

    Only 2-3 X a week? Gosh, that was the *norm* in my r’ships after the first month or two when the ‘newness’ settled down. Pretty much stayed that way as well, with whichever person I was with at the time. From what I’ve heard, that frequency is actually higher than average as it is.

    I dunno Sarah, maybe you have a really high drive. If you are an every day at least once, kind of woman then you are unlikely to remain very happy in this r’ship. You might be better off finding someone with a drive equal to yours and/or supplementing with a vibrator.

    If you mainly think your bf *should* want you more to prove something to you–then you’d be advised to take a look at any insecurites operating here on your part. Both genders dislike being pressured for sex when they really don’t want it, so you might want to take Beenthroughthewars suggestion and back off somewhat and see what happens. You only have 7 mos. in, better to find you are incompatible sexually now, than to be complaining about the same thing 7 yrs. from now.

  17. 37
    cinnamon

    Steve,
    I cannot fight the impression that you either didn’t make an effort to read vino’s previous posts, or that you somehow misunderstood them.
    Since there is at least one women on this forum who is interested in hearing his views exactly the way they have so far been formulated, please let us move on.

  18. 38
    Steve

    Cinnamon;

    My posts were addressed to both deathslayer and vino.

  19. 39
    vino

    Sarah G wrote:

    “And, as some of you have pointed out, people aren’t sympathetic in general to that particular plight on the part of the female. It’s a bummer. But I am a big advocate of women taking all matters sexual into their own hands, with a partner or no. (Especially if not.) . . .So that’s my two cents: go out and get it, do it yourself, or set up a big howl.”

    I agree with the post. It works for guys in the same ‘plight’ too. Don’t get the howl reference though.

    Elliot Spitzer, anyone? 😉

    OK, bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.

  20. 40
    cinnamon

    Steve,
    I’m happy you mention this, because this is exactly the reason I decided to protect vino. As I see it, in your well intentioned attempt to soften the tone of some posts, you accidentally hit the wrong person. You shot a civilian, so to say.
    Pls. read again vino’s post no. 18 in this thread. The attitude he expresses in this post shows in my eyes a lot of maturity, which makes me in turn read his other posts with high interest.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *