Should I Marry My Boyfriend Even If Our Chemistry Is Lessening?

Should I Marry My Boyfriend Even If Our Chemistry Is Lessening?
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Dear Evan, I’m in a four-year relationship with a truly amazing guy. He is thoughtful, considerate, and funny. We share many of the same interests, and we truly enjoy spending time together. We have been living in different cities for a couple of years now and have managed a great long-distance relationship.

I am about to take the plunge and move across the country to be with him, but I am plagued with doubt. As great as we are together, I am finding that the closer I get to moving, the less I am attracted to him. We’ve never had sensational chemistry, but I’ve told myself that it doesn’t matter because he is such an amazing guy and we’ve enjoyed a fulfilling relationship despite that lack of spark.

Long story short, I am not sure if I am no longer finding him attractive because I am about to take a huge risk to be with him, or because the match is simply not right, or because (as awful as this sounds) I simply don’t find him attractive. I feel like I am crazy to not be head over heels for him and I know that he deserves someone who thinks he’s sexy — and I want to be that person. He is my best friend, and I want so badly to have that missing piece in our relationship fulfilled. There must be a way to help jump-start a spark or better chemistry…right? —Sara

Dear Sara,

I have a few questions for you.

If you’re essentially “vacation” love — seeing each other once a month, talking or texting a couple times a week, your relationship is much weaker than a prototypical four-year relationship.

1. How often did you see your boyfriend over the past four years? Lots of long-distance relationships involve flying every other weekend, spending family holidays, taking full month leaves.

Yet I wonder how much your lives are truly intertwined after four years. Because if you’re essentially “vacation” love — seeing each other once a month, talking or texting a couple times a week, your relationship is much weaker than a prototypical four-year relationship.

2. How did you make it four years with this guy, given your lack of attraction? Because if I were to read into your short note, I think this is something you’re creating – your anxiety is actually TURNING this into a problem. Witness the evolution of your email, in which you get increasingly pessimistic in each paragraph:

Paragraph 1: “We have managed a great long-distance relationship.” (Which presumes that the sex was good, too, since that’s part of the relationship).

Paragraph 2: “The closer I get to moving, the less I’m attracted to him. We’ve enjoyed a fulfilling relationship despite that lack of spark.” (You’re acknowledging the issue and teetering.)

Paragraph 3: “I simply don’t find him attractive,” you write. (You’ve all but talked yourself out of your relationship.)

So which is it, Sara? Is it somewhat sexually fulfilling? Or is kissing him like kissing your brother – and you’ve been faking it for four straight years?

3. What would you do if you thought that your boyfriend had these feelings? Would you encourage him to break up with you — his amazing girlfriend of four years — to find a better “spark”? Or would you acknowledge that attraction generally goes down over time as familiarity increases?

I suspect that you want me to give you the permission to break up with him to find the spark, but that you wouldn’t want him to break up with you for the same reason. I suspect that most of our readers would feel the same way — you wouldn’t want your man to leave you because you put on ten pounds, got a little wrinkly, had a baby, gone prematurely grey, etc.

So what does this mean for you, Sara? It means whatever you make it mean. You could toss your boyfriend back in the sea in hopes of finding a man just like him with an amazing spark.

Chances are it would take you a few years of dating to find him, you’d get your greater chemistry, but you would discover that the new boyfriend lacks some of the qualities that the current guy has — maybe he’s emotionally unavailable, maybe he’s short tempered, maybe he never wants to get married.

Or you could stay with him, which is what I’d probably advise. And instead of focusing on what you don’t like about him, you focus on what you DO like about him — the same way you’d like him to do for you as you age. So maybe your knees don’t get weak when he approaches, but if he’s got a tongue, fingers, a penis and the desire to please you, I would suggest that you can have a great sex life, even if you don’t have that spine-tingling chemistry.

There’s no right answer. Just know the pros and cons of either choice you make. I think there are many men who can make you hot for an hour. I think there are a lot fewer with whom you’re comfortable building a life.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Melody

    In my experience, there are two types of chemistry loss possible, and one is more toxic than the other.

    The first one is a normal fade.   I experienced it with my ex husband, whom I was with for 9 years.   Over time, I wanted less sex and was less passionate about him, but I was never revolted or grossed out at the idea of physical contact.   The worst it got on the scale from grossed out to passionate was indifferent.

    My first post-divorce relationship offered me a glimpse of the toxic chemistry loss.   At about 3 months into the relationship, I would get this pit in my stomach when physcially involved with my then-boyfriend.   I just didn’t want to be intimate and knew it on a gut level. Though I enjoyed his companionship, I felt revulsion at the idea of hooking up with him.   I pushed past it because he was such as great guy – I really liked him as a person and couldn’t understand what was wrong with me for not being attracted.   I just didn’t want to hook up with him.   I was able to ignore it for awhile, but it eventually resurfaced and I had to break it off with him.    I  now know  that if I get that pit in my stomach with someone, I need to listen and can’t push  past it.  

    So, with my ex-husband, the chemistry fade was livable, normal, and healthy.   With my first post-divorce boyfriend, there is no way I could have dealt with that long term.   I think that if your attraction goes below the “indifferent” threshold  into the “revolusion” spectrum, you’ve got to  get out.   So,  my question for the  OP is when you say “not attracted,”  do you mean “indifferent” or “revolted?”   That matters.    

    1. 21.1
      mojo

      This is exactly where I was with my partner, I thought I would choose a lover based on other criteria than sex attraction, it doesn’t work this way. I was attracted to her for other reasons, and the attraction was there(she’s a model, and beautiful), but it was a weak, sort of ephemeral attraction, and it faded and was at times verging on repulsion. This caused massive stress for me and put me in a situation where I knew she would love the connection that comes from a great sexual chemistry, but it was not something I could provide, and I wanted to give this to her with all my heart.

  2. 22
    Gem

    Uprooting her entire life to move cross country for a man she’s lukewarm about physically is a huge risk, imo. It seems like they’ve been in separate cities for only 2 of their 4 years together so I’m assuming the first couple of years they had more of a normal relationship in terms of consistency.
      
    For me personally, I need momentum and consistency of seeing my partner regularly in order to maintain connection on every level: emotional, physical, spiritual….perhaps the distance had resulted in a slow fade of her connection in this way.
      
    That doesn’t mean they can’t rekindle their relationship being in the same city, but one of them moving, changing homes/jobs and everything else only to find the relationship doesn’t re-spark is risky.
      
    Why not take a vacation together and make a concerted effort to see each other more regularly before the move. It’s not easy and it takes money and juggling to fly back and forth but it’s worth it to find out.

  3. 23
    Nadia

    To P #14:

    I think there is a HUGE difference between what you are describing and feeling completely repulsed by your partner to the point of not wanting physical contact with him. I think those of us who are encouraging her to put on the breaks are hearing that she feels more than just the organic fading of a spark.  

  4. 24
    P

    @helene

    I completely disagree with your statement that sex is an axis of a relationship. If that is true, then when sex becomes impossible (either through health issues, loss of libido, age, injury, etc.) then with your definition, the relationship effectively becomes damaged and untenable.   This SO belies the realities of life and I propose to you that what you are saying is not an absolute truth, but rather something you, personally, have defined  for yourself.

    All throughout history there have been PLENTY of deep, meaningful, and satisfying relationships that were life-long in nature and did not involve sex AT ALL.  A perfect example of this is relationships between women during Victorian times. Plenty of women formed very intense, connected bonds with one another during those times (defined as romantic friendships) that lasted their entire lives but sex, for most, was not a consideration or a desire. These were not homosexual relationships,  either, and many of these women spent their lives together, facing the world as a team and yet neither were desiring sexual activities between each other.   Yes, there was touching, cuddling, and so forth, but these are NOT sexual activities…these are the activities of TOUCH which are completely different.

    We currently live in a completely oversexualized society, where practically EVERYTHING we are exposed to upholds sex and sexuality  as some kind of goal to be pedestalized. We define our relationships with others around sexuality (as you seem to do on  some level) and yet it is in reality, without all this externally-applied definition, such a  SMALL part of our actual lives.   I personally know people who go  large segments of their lives without sex, and are PERFECTLY HAPPY.   Its only when we start deciding that sex was a core need as important as food that we make  ourselves miserable.

    Don’t get me wrong…I think sex is great.   Its fantastic, and I love it myself. But I  certainly am NOT going to define my relationship with a person around it in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM.    

    This leads me to  the  whole attraction debate. I am not saying that people should make life-long commitments to others they are repulsed by.   However, I think a lot of people are really confused as to WHY they are repulsed.   Sure, there are the obvious ones…bad hygiene, and so forth.   But  other than that…why?   This comes back to a very interesting thing that keeps being said: “You can’t help who you are attracted to.”   Well…yes…and no.

    First of all, the “initial” attraction people feel (without knowing anything about the person really) is driven visually, and by things such as smell, histological compatibility, and so forth.   If we were simply  basic animals, that’s all there would be to the whole issue.   But…we’re not (even though in this society we try to act as though we are and that’s all that’s necessary).   That component of attraction  actually  makes up less than 5% of the package.

    The rest is…you.   Your psychology and in this effect, YOU have a very big mental part of attraction.   In this effect, you DO have some control as to who you are attracted to, and to whom you are not.   This is why I was talking about attitude.   If you have convinced yourself that you cannot be with someone because of a lack of spark, then of course you will never  FEEL attracted.   Conversely, if you  feel emotionally that you really enjoy someone and are not open to societally driven mental blocks about this sort of stuff, you WILL feel attracted.

    Many people argue with this, but there are very keen examples that I use to point this out.    I myself have experienced being attracted to someone…until they opened their mouth to speak.   My attraction very quickly waned until it would be nearly impossible to have any kind  of physical reaction around this person.   The opposite has happend as well.   This is the MIND at work…and whether you want to admit it or not,  IT is the biggest sexual organ and the PRIMARY producer of  attraction…not some strange force in the universe.

    If you are someone who has decided you have to have that “high”…then yes, you will find your attraction to anyone who does not give you that high going away rapidly. In some cases, you may  even turn it into repulsion.   Your mind REALLY DOES have that kind of control…and understanding your own psychology and its influence is the first key in understanding yourself and your relationship  choices.

    @Nadia:
    From what was written, and Evan’s reply…I don’t see where anyone got the impression that she was  saying she was repulsed by her partner.   I saw that nowhere in the communication at all.   So…you’re encouraging her to put on the brakes  based on….what?   That you “sense” she is repulsed by him?   What I read in what she said was that she never had “sensational”  chemistry with him (which implies there IS some chemistry there…just not sensational…and what is sensational? Does she expect everlasting knee-buckling reactions?   Its pretty subjective here). I also gathered she  has a really deep connection with him but seems to be yearning for the butterflies and weak knees…which is what Evan was talking about.    

    It also seems a lot of people here were not reading  this woman’s message very clearly by asking if she’d ever spent considerable time with him, been on vacation with him, and so forth.   Read the message again, carefully as I’m sure Evan did.   She’s been with him for FOUR YEARS (and guess what…that mellowing of sparks and so forth are a guarantee at that point).   Only TWO of those years have been living in different cities long-distance.   So, FOUR YEARS, two of which were likely close together and spending a lot of time together, and two living in different cities and seeing each other I would bet regularly.   Read her first paragraph:

    “I’m in a four-year relationship with a truly amazing guy. He is thoughtful, considerate, and funny. We share many of the same interests, and we truly enjoy spending time together. We have been living in different cities for a couple of years now and have managed a great long-distance relationship.”  

                  
    She defines him as a  great guy.   She really likes spending time with him.   She respects him and his  thoughtfulness  humor.    Interests that are compatible.   I’m not sure where ANYONE got the idea she was repulsed by this guy.   She NEVER EVER said that anywhere.   My guess is that Evan caught that, and even from some of the  questions she was asking, was betting that she was feeling “less attracted” for a variety of psychological reasons or insanely high expectations of what “chemistry” is.   Most of the replies here that sit there and say “don’t do it” seem to have only read what they WANTED to see in her message which seems to be something like “I’m unsure about my boyfriend because I’m repulsed by him but like him.”   Or, they somehow read that she’d never spent significant time with him together.

                                                      

    1. 24.1
      sarah

      Don’t you think it shouldn’t be that hard to decide on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? I mean, sure, there are always some obstacles to overcome, but generally you shouldn’t have doubts about the whole thing altogether. If you need advice about whether or not you should continue your relationship, I think you already have your answer…

      1. 24.1.1
        jeremy

        @Sarah, you wrote: “Don’t you think it shouldn’t be that hard to decide on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?”



        I think that really depends on the personality of the person in question.   The problem comes down to a reality of choice-addiction.   Let’s ignore relationships and talk about clothes.   Very often, a person will go to the store, buy an article of clothing, and take it home.   After a few hours/days they decide to take it back.   Now, was there anything wrong with it?   They obviously liked it enough to buy it….but then they get second thoughts.   What if something better is out there?   Some people are chronic returners, others are more satisfied with the items they originally bought (they are “pickers, rather than choosers”).
          
        The more choices we perceive that we have, the greater our addiction to choice, and the less satisfied we ultimately are with the choices that we do make.
          
        So, to answer your (very good) question, sometimes we do need to hear that the person we are with is good, and that we would be foolish to keep looking (assuming that is true).   For people who are addicted to choice, it is VERY hard to decide on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

  5. 25
    P

    @Jane

    I  believe you’re using two different definitions of “chemistry.”   There’s physical “chemistry”, and there is emotional and mental “chemistry.”   It seems you made your choice on a mate based on characteristics…but not on how well those characteristics worked with you on an emotional or mental level.   I suspect the end of your relationship had very little to do with sex or sexuality, and much more to do with those other basic incompatibilities.   You described your marriage as ending up being “disfunctional, lonely, filled with pain, lack of respect.” That sounds like emotional and mental incompatibility, having nothing to do with sexual “chemistry.”   Do you honestly believe that “lack of respect” and pain would have magically disappeared because you wanted to have sex all the time?   NO!  You might have been high for a while which might have masked this for a short time…but, the problem wasn’t sex or attraction on the level everyone seems to be talking about.  It was that emotionally or mentally it wasn’t tenable.   That’s a completely different thing.  

  6. 26
    helene

    @P
      You said   ” I completely disagree with your statement that sex is an axis of a relationship. If that is true, then when sex becomes impossible (either through health issues, loss of libido, age, injury, etc.) then with your definition, the relationship effectively becomes damaged and untenable.  ”

    On the contrary! It is with your   – somewhat narrow – definition of sex  (sex as an ACTIVITY) that it would be impossible under those circumstances… When  the sexual bond forms an axis of the relationship, then sexual connection and interaction are not destroyed by an illness or  injury    but are always possible. Sex is a look, a touch, a transmission of desire, a flow of sexual energy between two people – this  is what I mean by sexuality being a key axis of a relationship – its not all about f##king!

  7. 27
    P

    @helene

    Honestly, what you portray sounds a lot like a “new age” description of that chemical high people get around each other…TEMPORARILY.   Human bonding CAN be accentuated by sexual activity…but it isn’t REQUIRED and in some cases I’d say isn’t even a good idea.   Sex IS an activity…plain and simple.   Yes, we are driven to do it for the purpose of creating offspring (and  there is some evidence that human females continue to engage in sex as a method of keeping their partner long enough to begin to raise a child–but that instinctual drive is by no means permanently aimed at a single partner).  

    Your description of “sexual energy,” while seemingly “new age” in portrayal is simply another way of describing the “high” that’s been discussed here in “magical” terms.   If you feel its so magical, “energy driven” or somesuch, I can pretty easily dispell that right away.   I could  simply give you some medication that will wipe out your sex hormones.   Or, you could take a good dose of currently overused SSRI antidepressants.   Your serotonin levels in your brain will skyrocket, depressing dopamine and norepinephrine  production and I guarantee you will not care one iota about sex or  “sexual energy” while you are under  the influence of one of these mechanisms.  You will still  desire human interaction and contact…but sex?   Nope…not a  single bit.   In fact, the concept of sex  and desire may very well repulse you.  

    Conversely, I could,  given enough experimental time and behavior analysis, stimulate dopamine production in your brain and cause you to fall “in love” (using society’s common defintion of this) with a table leg.   I’m NOT kidding about this.   In fact, there are documented cases of people falling “in love” with inanimate objects, which includes both a psychological and a  brain chemistry component.   And YES…they try to have sexual relations with these objects, and wholeheartedly believe  said objects are the “one” for them.  

    Plainly put, when the “sexual bond” forms an “axis” of a relationship, then with time, the loss of sexual function (including the loss of general DESIRE  which occurs when hormonal and neurotransmitter levels change), the relationship crumbles…precisely because  an axis has “crumbled”…if you  choose to define your relationships this way and make sex and sexuality a central point of them.
                  

  8. 28
    Ruby

    @P

    It’s not that sex is the only axis of a relationship, but it is part and parcel of several important aspects, as Helene mentioned: emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual. The physical aspect is an expression of love and intimacy. When you’re in love with a person (as opposed to a table leg), you want to express your feelings of love, attraction, and closeness through sex and physical touch. That attraction, intimacy, and bonding is present when you give your partner a goodbye  kiss, cuddle in bed at night, or are just holding hands. In a healthy relationship, all the elements are present and strong, and important to most people.

  9. 29
    P

    @Ruby

    The point here being that, in a MATURE relationship not based on that innate “attraction” that people feel they cannot control, sexuality becomes an  expression,  as you stated.  People seem to believe the emotion should be driven by the sexuality, instead of the other way around.

    And actually, of those who are “in love” with inanimate objects, they do desire closeness with said object through sex and physical touch, and they wholeheartedly believe that said “table leg” expresses itself towards them in its own way.  Its amazing what our own chemicals can do that is completely against our better interests in life.
          

  10. 30
    P

    Wow I really have too much time on my hands…

  11. 31
    K

    I really enjoyed reading all the responses on this. They were very interesting and I agree with quite a bit or what P has said but I do see both sides. I do think that sex is a important component of a marriage, because it is a part of romantic intimacy. But I also believe the attraction does fade as the pheromones wear off.
    At the end of the day, the OP has to decide for herself if she can see herself with this guy long-term or not.

  12. 32
    Kim

    To be honset most of you have to in a online realationship to know what she is going though. I understand her just like me I’m in a cross road. The only thing she can do is make a list and write what she like about him and does not.I think that its something about him that is making her feel the way she does.Maybe the way he acts talk Ingnores her ??? Be honest with yourseft .We all lie to ourseft so the best thing is to talk to yourseft  
    Kim  

  13. 33
    Bpanda

    Paraphrasing Emily Giffen “what’s not to love is hardly a reason to love, and the catch of your life is not necessairly the LOVE of your life”

  14. 34
    Sabine

    First, Sara is giving up the life she established to see where things will evolve with her boyfriend. It must be scary! Then, when she is in in her new town, she’ll need to make friends, find a job, build a life separate and with her boyfriend. She needs to get her own place for her own space as a poster suggested earlier. She is taking a big risk but all is a risk in love…HOWEVER, I would want to be excited about this move to be with him. Jumping out of my own skin excited!!!
      
      
    I really need to feel an intimate connection with someone. Kissing, touching and sex are major ways to be closer with someone. If it’s ho-hum with the smooching and the nookie after four years, the “room for improvement” time period has come and gone. This is something that cannot be faked. And, it should not be faked.
      
    My point, we all know what we need to be in an amazing relationship. Maybe there was   additional excitement because it was long distance. Maybe now reality is setting in thinking about what she is giving up or she isn’t feeling… Maybe. Maybe.nMaybe. What does your heart say? This is what really matters.

  15. 35
    Same

    Talk to your man more to get to know him better. Ask him questions that will help you understand better, how courageous of a person he is, what his leadership capacities are, etc, ask him character type questions. the key point here is that, while most women want a good guy on there life, they are more attracted to a man’s strength   than his good nature. I believe that the reason a lot of women are drawn to bad boys is because of the very quality that is indirectly displayed visibly in the bad boy. If you try this exercise, you may find, if you have not chosen a loser for a boyfriend/husband, that you have been with a very courageous person who for whatever reason has not been showing you his true nature. In fact, you new interest in him may cause him to outearsly display those qualities that will increase the attraction you have for him. It is no wonder that long distsnce relationships tend to develop this problem, the woman doesnt see her man on a daily basis, his attitude toward life is not somethimg she sees daily, his daily acts of courage, May or may not be known to her. She ends up seeing him in some cases as the guy who has nothing better to do but to talk to her on the phone. i find it hard to believe that the Sara would post this question if she finds out suddenly that the guy she is considering leaving single handed saved his company from loosing 10 million dollars and saved the jobs of 5 men and women with families to feed as a result.  

    To reiterate my advice to you ladies, ask questions of your man that will help you truly know him better and be open minded as you listen.   And for the somewhat reserved kind of guy who is too selfless to make himself the topic of any discussion, be wary of this problem when it comes up in your relationship and realize that as the ‘man of the family’ you got to put on yoir work gloves and go to work on your relationship and help your woman regain focus (read above).  

    I speak from my own experience and hope this helps.   

  16. 36
    maria

    wow, its like sarah read my mind and posted my situation. I don’t agree with Evan here. I think Sarah you should end the relationship. Your heart is telling you to do so, but you are too afraid to make that big change. I know the feeling of living a perfect life, with the perfect guy that you love, however are not IN love with.

    I’ve been in 3 relationships, each one 4 years. the first two were not even close to being the perfect guy, however i was exploding with excitement every single time i saw him, was madly in love with him. could feel sad, happy, horney , all at the same time. crazy feelings. He was not that attractive either but oh man was i crazy for him. I never had one doubt in my mind why i wouldn’t marry him. Eventually we broke up because he had to move and i was still in university. we lived on separate sides of the world. it was just to painful. my heart brake lasted years.  

    second relationship, same exact thing. the guy was not physically attractive but we had chemistry in every department, that it made a perfect relationship. I thought he was incredibly sexy because of this. again we broke up because of studies and oh so painful.

    third relationship, love the guy so much. much more patient, balanced, hilarious, more loveable than any of my other guys that i have been in a relationship with. perfect qualities! but the chemistry was never there. exactly how you describe it. that should be copied and pasted right here.  

    i loved that he was so sporty, polite, always treated me like a queen.. he is always positive, happy, even thought he lost his mother to cancer and has no other family members. He took his heartbreak from all the loss in his life and somehow managed to turn that into happiness.   he was always positive, funny and sweet to everyone. we lived in a gorgeous house in paradise! with all the money in the world from inheritance. there is not one reason why i should have any doubts of marrying this man. But i did. i had many doubts.i cannot explain it but the chemistry did not exist, sexually, romantically, physically (even though he is so hott). its just was not there.

    I use to marvel at my first two boyfriends who had no where near perfect qualities because i was IN love with them. even after 4 years of experiencing terrible fights, long distance and then moving in together, i just knew i loved him! now my last relationship was the opposite. my night in shining armour had arrived but i was not IN love with him. I stayed for 4 years and realised i started to resent him for stupid things. our relationship became a friendship and not a romantic love relationship.   it Took me so long to admit to myself that that was the truth. i was afraid of leaving such a comfortable life. but one day i woke up and remembered who i was before, a person who lived for love and ended it and it was hard for awhile because i felt sorry for him, since he has lost everything he ever loved. i knew he deserved an honest relationship. to be with someone who felt the same about him as he did about her. its a two way street. its selfish to stay and making someone believe you love them the same way as he does, when in reality you know you don’t. He deserves better and you deserve to be in love, not just to love.  

    sometimes the universe is telling you something and you already know the answer. it take guts to follow your heart and actually make the right decision for you. Don’t try and rationalise, or convince yourself, just believe in yourself and make the big leap.  

  17. 37
    T

    I am in a quandry, going through a very confusing time in my own relationship because of the same reasons Sarah began her question about chemistry. The responses are fascinating to me and have really made me think. Love is not self seeking, but seeks to build up and give to the other. Yet, we are all basically selfish and this runs contrary to our most basic make up. A spiritual relationship is the most important aspect of the entire relationship. If God (Jesus) is not at the head of the relationship, it will certainly unravel as the focus shifts to our desires and how our imperfect partner isn’t meeting them. They simply can’t. We likewise can’t meet their deepest needs. Those deepest places are reserved for God and we are blessed to receive the gift of an imperfect person to face the challenges of lifelong covenant together. It is our “job” to face our own lacking abilities toward another and trust the Holy Spirit to grow our partner in the ares we desire from them if they are so lacking. To share this kind of bond, I see now, is the ultimate “ideal relationship” and so “magical”. Out of this ground springs forth good fruit in its season. Can Americans trust God and wait for this season to arrive is the question?

  18. 38
    marymary

    I wouldn’t give up on the relationship yet. Maybe there are underlying issues you could resolve, which might help the physical side. I wouldn’t recommend marrying someone for whom you feel no/ little physical attraction. That doesn’t mean you need off-the-charts chemistry but you should at least want to have sex with him every now and then, for both your sakes. In much the same way that you can’t force yourself to love someone, you can’t force yourself to feel attracted. You could probably force yourself to have sex but you probably don’t want to live like that.
    A marriage is more than being roomies, especially if you’re relatively young.

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