Am I Settling if I Marry My Best Friend I’m Not Attracted To?
Hi Evan, I am a 37-year-old, physically attractive, kind and compassionate woman. Over the years, I have dated many men. Unfortunately, things never work out. None of my relationships last any longer than 18-24 months. I feel like I have a curse on me! Recently, I split up with my partner of almost 2 years (right on schedule). I’ve had it.
Here’s where the real trouble starts…I decided to give things a try with my best friend of 11 years. He is a great guy and has been a wonderful, supportive friend over the years. He is, and possibly always has been, in love with me. I do love him, but only as a friend. Evan, I am tired. I am tired of all these failed relationships; tired of moving in and out with people; and tired of the lack of stability in my, and my 15-year-old son’s life. I moved in with my best friend and told him we should be a couple. He jumped all over it. We are even building a new house together, which he is financing.
The problem is that I have zero attraction for him. The thought of him touching me is repulsive to me. I’ve told him that I am not a sexual person and that I don’t want to have sex with him, or any other guy for that matter. This is a lie. I am sexual and I do want to have a great sex life – just not with him. My son is everything to me. I want him to have some stability in his life. This man can provide this for us. Before, we were moving almost yearly, with no medical benefits, etc. Now we can have a beautiful home, and all the other wonderful benefits that come along with this great friend who is financially stable. Am I a horrible person? This guy really loves us…I don’t know what to do. —Elizabeth
To arrive at your answer, all we have to do is flip this over. Let’s say…
You have a longstanding crush on your best guy friend.
There’s no way a guy is going 40 years without sex.
You’ve watched him go out with all the wrong women over the years and turn to you with his problems. You know you’d treat him better than any of these other women if he’d only give you a chance.
After his latest devastating (but predictable) breakup, he tells you that maybe he’d like to give a relationship with you a chance. He knows you’ve always loved him and he agrees that it would make sense to be with a woman who has stuck by him through thick and thin. At the very least, you’re stable and will treat him well.
Oh, but there’s one hitch: he has zero attraction for you.
The thought of him touching you repulses him.
He’s told you he’s not a sexual person, but that’s a lie. He’s highly sexual and wants to have a great sex life — just not with you.
But after all he’s gone through, it only seems sensible to marry you. After all, his son really needs a mother figure and since you make more than he does, he’ll be able to upgrade his home, his lifestyle and his future all by tying the knot with you.
So, Elizabeth, is he a horrible person?
I won’t answer that for you, because I don’t think doing a bad thing makes someone a bad person, but I will say that if a man were to marry you under those circumstances, we might very well conclude that:
a) He’s selfish — He’s failed at relationships and sees you as his safety school. And even though he finds sex with you to be disgusting, you should just be happy to be with him as a platonic life partner. Right?
b) He’s a liar — To begin a relationship under false pretenses, such as “I don’t like sex” is really a poor foundation for a future, wouldn’t you agree? I would expect that the person who really likes sex will seek it out in some form or another. Which leads us to the biggest problem with this scenario…
c) He’s setting himself up for failure – If a sexual person denies himself sex within a marriage, it’s going to come out in either an affair or an online porn addiction. There’s no way a guy is going 40 years without sex.
And neither should you.
So unless you want to be the woman who is later considered a selfish liar and cheater, you should politely recuse yourself from this relationship.
Maybe you can possibly preserve your friendship because he’s so whipped on you that he can’t think straight.
But if I were advising him, I’d tell him to stay far away. You may not be a bad person, but, make no mistake, you’re about to do a very bad thing.