I’m a Single Mom Who Is Ready To Give Up On Men Because They All Want Sex.

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I am 34 years old, divorced four years. I was married for ten years, have four beautiful boys under 9 and have a very fulfilling and successful career. My life is happy, but I really would love to share it with someone… but dating when you have FOUR kids is like the Mt Everest of the dating world! It seems almost impossible for men to see past that.

Well, let me clarify: I have no shortage of “dates”. I guess I must be in reasonable shape because NOBODY can guess I’ve even had four kids, or that I’m even 34 (I get asked out by guys in their early 20s- I feel like I should read them a story and tuck them into bed… not GET into bed with them, uh!). I have an outgoing personality and seem to be asked out a lot… we usually go on a few dates, everything is going wonderful… but nobody ever COMMITS. I’m not talking about church bells, but just to an actual relationship.

I am SICK of feeling used. I am sick of being treated like a piece of ass, and treated like I must be desperate because I have kids. I’m tired of guys treating me like I should be grateful if they even stick around for five minutes. Even if I really take my time getting to know someone before we become intimate… it seems that sex is all they continue to want. Don’t hear from him for days, I assume it’s over…then a text with, “hey are you home tonight?” Grrrr.

What? Do I need to be a nun in order to find someone who can actually see a relationship with me? Is it unreasonable that I am hoping someone could take me seriously or see my worth? I’ve been in a terrible relationship before and honestly now, I’d rather be alone than with the wrong guy. I believe I have a lot to offer – I am caring, kind, warm, loyal and intelligent. There is more to me than a MILF.

I am not looking for a father for the boys; they have one. I am not looking for a provider; I provide very well for myself. I just want a friend and a companion and someone who I have chemistry and intellectual compatibility with.

I am seriously at the point of giving up on the whole dating thing… Is it too much of an ask that I could actually meet someone who can see me as a woman, and not just as mother or worse, a bit of bedroom fun? Should I just shelve my desire to find a partner? I know Everest is high, but SOME people get up the damn thing, don’t they?

Ironically- I write Romantic Comedies for a living. I just didn’t think I’d end up stuck in one. 🙁

Cristina

Dear Christina,

Before I give you the pep talk you need, let me first acknowledge the painful truths that you’ve eloquently outlined above. I’m sure many other women can relate.

Having four kids under the age of 9 is a huge handicap. I’d try to spin it in a slightly more positive way, but I can’t. As a screenwriter, I don’t know if you live in LA or not, but this is a town where people don’t grow up for a really long time. I got married at 35 and had kids at 37 and 39 and I was ahead of most of my friends. There’s no way that I — or most men who don’t have their shit together — would willingly enter into a relationship with a woman who has so many other responsibilities, the way all moms do.

At risk of making myself look bad, I once dated a single mom of a two-year-old. She was smart, she was sexy, she was financially independent — and she had no time to give to me. At the time, when I was 33, I blamed her for this, thinking that if she liked me more, she’d make a greater effort. In fact, it had nothing to do with me. What I didn’t know then is that kids suck up every second of free time you’ve got, and that you have to work extra hard to create me-time, much less couple-time. Ultimately, all I wanted from that single mom was to hook up, because that’s all I felt she could give me. Whether it’s fair or not is debatable, but that’s how I felt at the time. I’d venture to guess that your sex-oriented guys feel the same way. It’s not you they don’t want; it’s your lifestyle.

You shouldn’t quit because single men your age want sex and more time. You should just find a guy who is looking for a Brady Bunch family, who sees sex as the icing on the cake instead of the cake itself.

Maybe your ex shares custody and gives you weekends off, but I think we can all agree that women with four kids have less available time than women without four kids. And if the greatest gift a woman can give a man is her time, who are men going to gravitate towards — the harried mom who has to manage four lunches, babysitters, soccer practice, and bedtime routines — or the one who is blissfully unencumbered by such essential responsibilities? Put yourself in their shoes and it’s pretty easy to see.

The fact that you’re caring, kind, loyal, warm, and intelligent means that you have a lot going for you and will ultimately make a guy very happy. So instead of giving up on the whole thing — which, as you know — is incredibly shortsighted, given that you have 50 more years on this earth, how about you change focus?

Middle-aged divorced men understand what it’s like to be you. Single guys in their mid-30s who want to have their own biological kids in four years don’t. They want to take spontaneous romantic trips to Vegas, which is something that’s hard to do with four children of your own.

Instead of dating cute 34-year-old single guys who don’t have kids, how about you date cute 43-year-old guys who are in the exact same spot in life, who understand your predicament, who have obligations of their own, and who will be delighted to meet a woman who gets THEM.

You shouldn’t quit because single men your age want sex and more time. You should just find a guy who is looking for a Brady Bunch family, who sees sex as the icing on the cake instead of the cake itself.

I promise you, they’re out there.

Today, I’m giving you my new book, “Believe in Love — 7 Steps to Letting Go of Your Past, Embracing the Present, and Dating with Confidence.” and it’s going to forever change the way you view dating, men, and relationships.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Sophie

    Your “for the most part” sums up what I am getting at. Yes, the majority of them won’t want to take on a ‘single mom’ with 4 kids but it’s generalising because there are always exceptions to every rule. She may want to widen her net and criteria, I don’t know, I just offer an alternative vision and a bit more hope that her current quest may not be as futile as everyone on here would lead her to believe based on my own experience.  

    I usually agree with your advice and male perspective but this time I felt it was an over-simplification and I wanted Christina to know there were people out there who were facing similar issues. I wasn’t offering advice per se; merely shared understanding and support. That is all.  

  2. 22
    Greg Figueroa

    Evan is right about   giving guys in your situation a look over. Most childless guys prefer the flexibility and attention from childless women. Short term it’s easier to do things without wrangling the logistics of a single mother and long term a lot of these guys don’t want the added responsibility. There’s nothing wrong with being a single mother, the issue, like Evan mentioned, is lifestyles not gelling.

  3. 23
    RustyLH

                                             I wanted to give my take on why men aren’t interested in a woman with 4 kids.   At least not the top shelf” guys, nor the next 3 shelves down.
                                             OK, take an age appropriate guy for the 34 year old self described MILF in the OP.   As an example let’s go 5 years up and 5 years down.   So guys 29 to 39 are hitting on her and going on dates.   This is due to her looks and her sexual desirability.   But why no long term interest?   Look at it from their side.   If they are attractive men, they have other options.   I have been in that position.   One girl would have 1 to 4 kids, while another would have no kids.
                                       OK, so we’ll call them Nokids and Yeskids.   With Nokids I can call up spur of the moment to see if she wants to go do something.   I can drive up on my motorcycle unannounced and say, “want to go for a ride?”   With Yeskids, this is not likely to be an option.   She will need notice, and often, lot’s of it.
      
                                 With Nokids, if we decide to spend some time together at her place, we can cook something together, and it’s a good chance I will like what we are cooking.   With Yeskids, the tastes of the kids will dictate what we can cook.   With them being young, it is almost assured that I can’t make anything spicy.   
                                           With Nokids, we can eat, and then cuddle romantically and watch TV or a movie, or just turn the lights down and kiss.     With Yeskids, this can only happen once the kids go to bed and are asleep.   Earlier than that and you are constantly interrupted by kids.   Add to that how every woman I did this with will inevitably yell at her kids while we are laying there.   Usually they are getting too loud and so instead of getting up, she just yells loud enough for them to hear, telling them to be quiet.
      
                                             And if Nokids and I, go out, it is not very expensive.   About 20 bucks for fast food, 30 more for movie with drinks and or popcorn.   Maybe 40 if we both have both.   Maybe a bit more.   In short, even with a nice restaurant, you can keep the date to about $100 give or take.   Add in 4 boys, with Yeskids, and that goes right out the window.   Plus, with them being so young, what you can watch at the movies is greatly reduced.   If she leaves the children home, it still costs   lot more.   If you want more than a couple of dates a month you are likely going to have to pay the babysitter.   with 4 kids, that’s not going to be cheap.   Having relatives that will gladly watch them for free helps immensely, but it seems this is rare.   For one thing, many times the parents live hours away.   Other times, they are unfit to do this, and others the woman isn’t close with her parents.   In short it’s not always an option.  

                                             With Yeskids, holidays such as Christmas are going to be much more expensive, not to mention more birthdays.
                                         OK, let’s just face it…with kids, everything is more expensive and less convenient.   Now add in the fact that you will never be #1 in her heart…well…what exactly is the upside for one of these guys who are single with no kids?
                                         The bottom line is that for her, her kids are a big part of her life and she loves them immensely.   For him, they interfere with everything, and add cost…a lot of cost, especially when it is 4 kids.
                                         In short, if we believe her about her looks, which we should, she went from being a girl who could have her pick of men, to a woman that men don’t want.   Not the that men she wants, and even some she feels she would be settling for.   But, she still has options.   We always do.
      
    #1, She can do nothing differently.   Just keep dating the same types of guys she does presently, and hope that she eventually finds one that will look past her kids.   While she may in fact find some guy who overlooks all of that, the odds are stacked heavily against her.   The upside to this is that in her wait, she is not going without sex.   There are many women like her, but not nearly as good looking, who can’t get guys into bed with them, at least not with any regularity.   There are women in her shoes that have gone years without sex.   But because the sex comes so easily to her, she does not see what she does have.   It in fact becomes a turnoff to her as evidenced by her statement regarding guys calling for a booty call.   Again, i only point that out because there are women who would be happy for even that.   We always appreciate what we don’t have, and don’t appreciate what we do have.
    #2, she can put an emphasis on finding a man who also has kids…preferably one who has joint custody, or full custody.   Not easy to find…but one who has 2 to 4 kids that he sees every other weekend and once a week, plus half the summer, might be a good choice.   He still understands that kids do interrupt your life, and cost money.    Plus, he has also likely dealt with woman who don’t want to deal with his kids.   So he is going to be able to look past the kids.
    #3, Start looking for men significantly older…like 40 to 50.   Preferably a guy who missed out on having kids and regrets it.   Maybe he would even give her the one thing she doesn’t have, if she wants it…a daughter.   Up side is she might be able to find one who is relatively financially stable, which improves the lives of herself and her boys.
    #4, Start dating men significantly less attractive than she is used to.   Or maybe guys that are still attractive in many ways but had some silly deal breaker, like being short.
      
                                         The choice is hers.   The odds of finding a great guy by doing what she has been doing are very very very slim, and she knows that…but yes, she might win the lottery/be struck by lightening and have that one in a millions top shelf guy with no kids come along and marry her.   But if you want, I’ll make a wager with you on that happening in the next 5 years.   I’m willing to bet a whole bunch of money on it.   Her best bet is to in some way that is agreeable to her, change what she is looking for.

    1. 23.1
      sandra

      I think RustyLH is right on about the guy who missed out on having a family being a very viable option.   The man will be thrilled to be part of an insta-family.   Only thing is , OP may not find some of these men attractive, they may have other issues, and she just may prefer the occasional fun she can have with men her age.   Older men often have lots of issues, are inflexible, and run away from anything they perceive as “drama” or resembling their failed marriage/s.     But, unlikely things happen, so who knows.   But the older guy who never had kids is a great option if she can find one she clicks with.  

    2. 23.2
      Joe

      I think Rusty nailed it.   As Evan and others always say, the more qualifications you put on who you want to date, the more you’re limiting your dating pool.   And then you need to hope that you’re what they’re looking for!   Simply having a kid (let alone four) makes the pool of men who would want to date you smaller.   I’m sure you could find someone who ticks off all your checkboxes, given enough time, but what if it takes you ten years?   You could have spent the last ten years happily with someone else who ticks off most-but-not-all of your checkboxes.

      1. 23.2.1
        Tim

        Women are supposed to be more selective and unforgiving. There is nothing wrong with that. They’re just different.

        1. RustyLH

          I agree that they are different, but by what arbitrary decree are women supposed to be or allowed to be more selective?   In this country, using the court system, a woman can straight wreck a man so men have just as much right to be selective.   In fact only a fool is not selective.   Nothing…not one single thing can wreck your life like a woman can.   Which is exactly why many men are opting out.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          Rusty – I’m starting to tire of this myopia from such a bright guy. “Not one single thing can wreck your life like a woman can” is a statement that can EASILY be flipped to read “Not one single thing can wreck your life like a man can. Which is exactly why so many women are opting out.” In other words, not only are you not helping me out, but you’re not helping yourself out either. Become like the woman you want to date – warm, positive, and optimistic, not bitter, jaded, and one-sided.

        3. RustyLH

          I think most women would agree that marrying the wrong guy could wreck their life.   I do not disagree with that.   I do disagree with the one-sided statement that women are “supposed” to be more selective.   It’s an ignorant mantra that has been spread for too long.   The OKCupid survey was proof of its damage.
          Frankly I think men, while having issues of their own have a healthier attitude about the opposite sex in this regard.   I do agree that women are selective, but i reject the notion that this is good, or somehow their birthright.
          Why it is like this is whole other debate in and of itself starting with Disney movies.   You don’t see shows aimed at boys of some illusive Princess Charming.   Plus add in the biological reproduction aspect of only having one egg per month while men have a near unlimited supply of reproductive material.
          My point is that propagating this notion is not helpful.   If we are to respect this idea that it is their right, then we would then have to respect the right of men to pursue and bed every single they can in his biological calling to father as many children as possible.   I for one, reject that also.

    3. 23.3
      Amanda

      Yeah right a man in his 50’s.. those types of men have problems getting it up.. No offense men but ya all do and you know it. She doesn’t have to take anyone’s bs advice… Most of ya all are trolls….

  4. 24
    Tim

    Ah, the age old dilemma of single mothers: Young hot guys only want them for sex.

    1. 24.1
      Amanda

      LOL not all women want sex.. I have been sex free for 9.5 years and I don’t miss it. Besides that is what toys are for, batteries are better than diseases.  

  5. 25
    Sunflower

    Single mothers need sex too!   Women just need to be wise enough to tell the difference, especially if they want more.

    1. 25.1
      anon

      since when is sex a need?   I haven’t gotten any in years and I don’t really care anymore. Why?   Because my son comes first, not getting some D.   Plus, screwing some guy and then possibly ending up with a disease or pregnant out of wedlock again (protection does fail, you know) is something I don’t really want to deal with.

  6. 26
    NASHWC

    LOL! It  no longer surprises (now only  humors)  me to constantly witness the stratospheric entitlement  mentality exhibited by women raised within the current Western culture; one which promotes such narcissistic “You can have it all” attitudes from  those such as the OP.  Today, over 70% of divorces are initiated by woman and I  would  not  doubt that  the currently popular ‘men are disposable’ meme has an influence on this, and probably the OP’s as  well. I could imagine that (with the encouragement of her gal  ‘friends’  whispering to her such  things  as “You’re too  good  for him” and “You deserve better”)  she convinced herself that a  replacement was ‘just around the  corner’. Enter reality and she doesn’t like this at all! Therefore,  it’s all the guys fault: “All they want is sex”. Well, duh. Welcome to third-wave feminism. You bought into it, ladies; now you own it.
    As a  40-something, childless guy, I am occasionally  one of ‘those guys’ the OP complains about but it’s only because my  many experiences/relationships with Westernized  women (many of them single moms) as a whole has taught me two universal truths: 1) women  LOVE and  CRAVE  attention [mitigates self-esteem issues so many women have], and 2) women with any appreciable SMV will ALWAYS seek out a guy who is better, younger, richer, whatever than her [re: hypergamy] and if she marries him,  will likely bail if he ever loses this status, even if only  temporarily. So my attitude is: “I didn’t write the ‘new’ rules; I just have to live by them”. It’s ok with me,  actually. Lots of fun so far  🙂
    I seriously doubt the OP will take Evan’s proper advise (after all, he didn’t tell her what she wanted to hear) but instead will continue  consulting  her Rationalization Hamster … and continue the experiences she has had. Chances are good that,  some months or years from now, Evan (or another dating coach) will  hear from her again .. and again .. which is quite a lucrative business for guys such as Evan 🙂

    1. 26.1
      Tim

      Like I said, what is the point of stating the fact over and over again that women are more selective, harsh, and unforgiving on looks, physique, status, confidence, etc ? Its just supposed to be that way.  

      A woman can be mediocre in every aspect but still  want and  attract men who are way better than her in every aspect.

      If you’re an average/alright guy who doesn’t stand out, then you should find fulfillment in other things, live for self-preservation  and do your bit to end this vicious cycle of bringing another average looking young man into this world by not procreating.                  

      1. 26.1.1
        RustyLH

        Sorry Tim but you are just wrong, that is all.   While you are right that Western women are “more selective, harsh, and unforgiving on looks, physique, status, confidence, etc ?”     You are wrong that “Its just supposed to be that way.”     There’s a huge difference between something being that way, and it supposed to be that way.
        For instance, a large number of men act like idiot pervs on dating sites…but just because they are that way doesn’t mean they should be that way.
        If women can’t learn to moderate themselves, to learn to be more realistic without whining that they had to “settle,” then they should not be surprised when Western men increasingly reject them.
          
        Here’s a good example.   When I was hanging out on Rory’s blog, there was a woman who was dating two guys.   One was everything she wanted in a man, except one thing.     The other one was better looking but had many personality faults.   Now this is all according to her.   What she couldn’t get past in the first guy was that he didn’t have nice teeth.   not rotting, just not pearly white and straight.   I watched her whine that she just couldn’t win.   If she could have a magic fairy wave a wand, she would have the two men combined so that the great guy would also look great, and have a tooth paste commercial smile.

        1. Rens

          Had the same problem. I think they’re a lot on dating sites and because you have kids most won’t find you interesting so only the jerks that want sex now respond. I had given up on the idea and I dont blame guys for not wanting someone with in my case 3 kids, totally understandable. But then I met a guy on a forum who has been single most of his life, lonely, 10 years older. He thought he was ugly and noone wanted him. He said I want something that breathes. I thought i can do that. Most have demand lists from here to Tokyo. Not him. He lives an ocean away but wants to come over. The great guys are hiding on forums. Show interest yourself cause they won’t make a move.

    2. 26.2
      starthrower68

      Oh dear God not the hampster argument.   Sigh, ok let’s just get all the buzzwords out there now.   Single moms = low sexual market value, little red pill and on and on and on.

      1. 26.2.1
        NASHWC

        Thanks for the assist! 🙂

        1. starthrower68

          Yes it’s very uplifting and edifying to reduce human beings down to some arbitrary ratings system.   Bucky for you.

  7. 27
    Jenn

    I hate the idea that women are not being realistic if they expect a guy their age to fall in love with them. I know it’s different for the woman in this case because she has children, but I just want to say that I think it sucks that women are expected to compromise on age all the time. What if she genuinely is not attracted to men in their 40s? What happens then? Men  don’t seem to be getting  told that if they’re not having any luck chasing young girls, they should focus on  dating women their own age. It’s almost like they’re allowed to have this immature, Peter Pan I’ll-never-grow-up-therefore-the-women-I’m-attracted-to-won’t-either mentality, while women are told to wise up and change their expectations because no man their age will want them. I do agree that if things don’t seem to be working out for her, she does need to change something. I just don’t think it’s fair that she compromise on dating guys her own age, if that’s what she truly wants. It’s a fact that most men (not all, but most) in their 40s are not as attractive as their 35 year old counterparts. I am 33 and I’m not interested in anyone over 40. While I agree that there are good-looking men in their 40s, many more of them are not. They are usually, but not always, a combination of balding, overweight, graying, hairy in every place other than their head, and wrinkled. Even some guys in their early 40s look like they’ve already been through the wringer. I’m still young and I want to enjoy what’s left of my youth with someone my own age who can keep up with me. I’ll admit that it’s true that  there are plenty of guys my age for whom that would not be possible though! I can acknowledge that some 40-something guys are better looking then their 35 year old counterparts, but the fact is that that isn’t very common.

    1. 27.1
      Chance

      Jenn, I can assure you that older men are told all of the time that they shouldn’t be chasing young women, which it generally good advice since it’s usually ineffective to chase someone much younger than you.   The OP is certainly welcome to continue trying to date someone her age.   However, it is going to be much harder to find someone her age that is willing to be with her (given her situation).   There is a big difference between having the right to be attracted to a certain type of person and actually being able to date such a person.

      1. 27.1.1
        Jenn

        Chance, thanks for your input. I guess the point that I was trying to make is that it is unfair that it is considered perfectly acceptable by our current cultural standards for older men to chase after women who are 10+ years their junior. Yet, if a woman in her 30s who has kids wants to date and have a relationship, then the only real option she has is to focus on guys who are ten years older? I find that laughable considering the amount of dating profiles written by men my age who state under the Kids heading that they’d either “prefer not to say”, “probably not”, or “No, I don’t want kids”.  Once you’re past your twenties,  it seems to me that it’s just as much the guys who need to wise up as the women. Because the reality is that the older they get, the more likely it is that they are going to meet women who already have children. Unless they only want to date girls who could be their daughter, that is.

    2. 27.2
      Julia

      You are 33 and 30 seems too old? My boyfriend will be turning 40 soon, I just turned 33. He looks a hell of a lot better than many men younger than me. If you don’t want them men who’ve been through the wringer, don’t go out with them but you are seriously limiting your dating pool if you refuse to date anyone more than 6 years older than you.

      1. 27.2.1
        Jenn

        Julia, I’ll assume that was a typo – LOL no, 30 is not too old for me. But yes, I’ll be honest: I don’t really want to date guys who are more than 7 years older because a) I usually do not find them physically attractive, as I’ve stated, and b) they re usually not on the same page as me in life as far as wanting marriage and children. For every good-looking, childless, never-married man over the age of 40, there are about 50 who are no longer  that attractive who’ve already had all the kids they want, and just got divorced. So while it may seem to you like I’m limiting my options, I’m telling you that those guys don’t even qualify as options for me, so it would make no sense for me to waste my time dating them anyway. It’s not that they aren’t good catches, because they are – for somebody else.

        1. RustyLH

          Nobody says you have to date all of them.   If a woman does decide to include older men in her dating choices, she doesn’t have to date all older men.   She just has the option to date one she finds attractive.   One of those 1 in 50.   I have seen many women do this and then say that it was the best relationship they’ve ever been in.   Actually, women who have been unhappy with their love lives, who make a significant change in some way, tend to be very happy.   I remember seeing a woman on one of those talk shows when this subject came up.   She was a professional woman.   She was having work done on her roof.   The guy doing the work was just a couple of years older, but she admitted that previously she wouldn’t have given him the time of day because he was not a college educated professional.   They struck up a conversation and she couldn’t get him out of her mind so called him back to do more work.   Then they started dating, ended up married and now have kids.   She told the host that for the first time she was happy with her love life.   And, stated that the man is her best friend as well as her husband.   They were past the honeymoon years, also so it is likely that they are still together.
          I think it should be noted that in the fairy tale, the Princess kissed a frog who turned into a prince.   There is a moral to that story.

    3. 27.3
      Tim

      Jenn, How many 35 yr old single dads do you know of  who can get hot 22 yr old college girls in bed with ease?

      Women already have it better. Stop complaining.    

    4. 27.4
      NASHWC

      Wherever I read dating column comments, I very often see (presumably women) posters regularly use phrases   such as “women are [constantly] told to  [settle]  ..”, “women are expected to  [compromise on age/looks/whatever]  .. “, and “nobody tells men to [do whatever these things women are supposedly told to do]..”, but I have not once read or heard these assertions from any professional/respected media outlet, women’s/lifestyle/’progressive’ magazine, dating coach, dating blog or any other venue; only anonymous internet user comments to an article. And yes, I read allot of material every day. Maybe I missed it. Can someone please, please just point out one definitive source? And I don’t mean an article assertion that has been re-framed or re-interpreted by someone who lacks reading comprehension skills (and I will say that many responses I see to comments demonstrate quite clearly a serious lack of skill in this area, so it’s very likely this will happen to mine).

      On the  contrary, what I do often hear and read in media and magazines are  direct  suggestions to women that they are  totally  “empowered” to love/date/have sex with whomever they like without shame or consequence, to never ‘settle’ (a.k.a – compromise), and to use whatever sexual assets/powers they possess for personal gain without serious consideration of the consequences to them or to the men they  manipulate.   I strongly suspect that this ‘always being pressured’ argument women keep trotting out primarily originates from other women (or that person’s self-esteem or insecurity issues), not men or any media influence. Total ‘straw man’ argument ..

    5. 27.5
      RustyLH

      Jenn, you can hate the idea all you want.   Nobody can tell you who you must date.   However, when those you prefer don’t prefer you…where does that leave you?   A wise old lady once told me to want in one hand and poo in the other and see which one fills up faster.   In short, just because we want something doesn’t mean we will get it.   Life isn’t fair..dating isn’t fair.   You think men need to wise up, but men don’t care what you think.   See, that is the hardest part for every last one of us to learn…we cannot, and will never be able to change the other side.   They will do what they are going to do.   You think men who prefer a woman 10 years younger should wise up but they have other options, even if the majority of American women that age won’t date them.   You can’t change the other side, you can only change what you do.   This may seem unfair but again, nothing about this is fair, ever has been fair or ever will be fair.   You can be angry that men didn’t get Oprah’s memo that men should marry older women, or threw it in the trash, but that isn’t going to get you anywhere.   Here’s the predicament.   Yes, for a long time it was more often the case that man married younger women.   Or more correctly, women their age and younger.   Rarely did a man marry older women, even by a few years.   Well, now women want to do the same.   But men aren’t playing ball, so women throw a tantrum about it.   That tantrum and $1.79 will you you a cup of coffee.   Since both genders want to marry younger, it is a standoff.   The problem is that men are fine not getting married.   So they will win a staring contest over this issue, not to mention that they can and will find other avenues to get what they want.
      My point is simply this.   It does no good to complain what the other side does.   The men of this country aren’t going to read what Jenn says and say, “Well golly gee, she’s right, we should change our ways.”   What they are doing is working for them.   Why would they change?
      You don’t have to marry a man 10 years older than you, but a man your age doesn’t have to marry you either.   But maybe what you want will magically appear in front of you one day.   Happens to other people.   But if it doesn’t, the only person you can blame if you are still single is you…it won’t be anybody else’s fault.   The only person that can change your situation is you.   But change is painful.   Very few people actually want to change.   They want everybody else to change.   But the only one who can change your circumstances is you.

      1. 27.5.1
        starthrower68

        Since I couldn’t respond to your most recent response to me there, I’m going to do it here.   I’m going to guess that you weren’t implying that just because I have a strong-willed daughter, that she would make false accusations against any man I was involved with.   But I will say that sometimes it’s not what we say, but how we say it that might cause someone to misconstrue the meaning, especially on a written forum where we don’t get non-verbal cues.

        1. RustyLH

          I am not saying that she would do anything.   I am saying that for ANY man, with ANY woman who has a daughter, there is risk there whether he acknowledges it or not.   And if she chooses to lash out at him and make a false accusation, his life will be screwed for at least 6 months.   They don’t drop those cases…ever…without letting the maximum amount of time pass, and in the meantime, life is going to be rough.
          I have friends that this happened to, but I will use just one incident, where later the step daughter wrote the man 2 letters of apology, and yet his life is still affected by it.   Once the accusation is leveled, some people will never look at the accused man the same again.   Some people continue to believe that something did happen, and others will reserve judgment with the possibility that something did.   In both cases, they will in some ways treat that man as if he is guilty.
          It’s ugly, and the reason I will not date women with daughters.   Just too much risk.

      2. 27.5.2
        Jenn

        You can keep telling yourself that men have all these options all you want, Rusty. It doesn’t change the fact that most women do not want to date someone who is out of their age range by more than  5-7 years. The reality is that most women want a peer, a partner – someone to grow old with, not someone who will practically  be ready for the retirement home by the time their kids graduate from high school. My point in saying that men need to wise up as much as women do, is that guys don’t seem to realize that the longer they stay single, the harder it will be to find women who’ve never been married and don’t have any kids.  And don’t think that all you have to do to attract younger women who do fit the “never-married, no kids” criteria is to be fit and financially   successful.  Most women share my preference of not wanting to date someone who looks like he could be their father, regardless of how good he looks for his age, and how good of a job he has. I don’t care if a guy is freakin’ Richard Branson, he is not someone I would consider for myself. 🙂

        1. RustyLH

          Women where?   China?   Most women on the site I use have a preference of men their age to as much as 15 to 20 years on average.   These are not poor dirt farmers, these are college educated women in the fastest growing economy in the world.   How about Brazil?   I also use a site there.   Average preference by women in their 20’s through 40’s is 3 years younger to 12 years older.   Two American men I personally know here in Jacksonville, are married to women 13 years younger.   The Brazilian man I know is married to a Brazilian woman 9 years younger.   Brazil is the #1 economy in South America and #3 in the western hemisphere.   That’s just two of the sites.   As I said, men do have alternatives.   Now, you can get all mad and angry about it, or recognize that it is real and there.   Nothing good ever comes from denying truths that are there.  
          I don’t dispute that women may have a preference for men close to their own age, but the fact is, if that isn’t working for you, what are you going to do?   Wish really hard that it starts working for you?   Or wish really really really hard?
          The good news is that most men prefer women their age and younger.   However, given the choice of 3 women with all things being equal, except age, men will usually choose the younger woman…to a point.   7 to 12 years younger, sure.   15 to 20 years younger…probably not for most men, regardless of what they say.   I also don’t think it is unreasonable to say that the older a woman is, the harder she will have to work to keep him.       While a much younger woman can get by more on her youth and looks, an older woman will have to be sweeter, more forgiving, more patient, more generous, more health conscious, less selfish, etc…   The same holds true for an older man which is probably why people who do get into these relationships as the younger person, often report that it is the best relationship they’ve had.

        2. Jenn

          Rusty,
          You have a very small sample size. I am a woman, who has had  many women friends and coworkers over the years. I can tell you for a fact that while it does happen where a woman chooses to date a guy 10+ years older, in many cases women do not want a guy with that much of an age difference. None of the women I have known have ever specifically sought out older men. In fact, most of the women I talk to find it creepy when older guys try to hit on them. You may have seen a few profiles on the Internet where women have specified a wide age range, but that doesn’t mean they really want a guy that much older. I put in my profiles that I’m willing to go up to 40, but that doesn’t mean I specifically want a bunch of 40 year olds contacting me. Ideally, I want guys within 3-5 years of my age range, but to put that in a profile would limit my dating pool too much.

        3. RustyLH

          Jenn, you can spout that until you are blue in the face. I assure your opinion may in fact be the majority, but who cares. I know for a fact that there are many women who PREFER older guys. You don’t have to believe that and in your small corner of the world, the women may think it’s creepy, but that doesn’t matter. If a man prefers younger women, he only needs to find one who will fall in love with him, and I assure you that it DOES happen.

          After all, I can assure you that the hundreds of guys I know thin it’s creepy when a woman 5 years older contacts them, but does that matter? She only needs one guy to fall in love with her. That’s the great thing about finding love…you only need one person to fall in love with you.

          But I assure you that while more women may not want to date or marry older guys, the census information shows that your info is not relevant because over 20% of the women are at a minimum, open to the idea of marrying guys 6 to 10 years older and 10% are open to the guy being 10+ years older.

          What you seem to think is that a bunch of older men chase little girls with a bag of candy like a bunch of pervs. What I can tell you from my experience and most men mirror, is that we do not do the pursuing…the younger girl does. My first wife was 11.5 years younger. I had cut off contact with her while I was stationed in San Diego. I had moved and did not give her my new phone number. After a month, she called my parents and told them that she lost my number and so they gave my new number to her. She chased very hard. Every younger woman I have dated has been the one who chased. And it isn’t rare. So excuse me if your story, entertaining as it is, rings hollow for me and any other man who has experienced the same thing.

          At the same time, I also understand that not all men will be attractive to younger women. I benefit from a face that looks younger than it is. Yes, I know everyone says that but I believe my luck comes from years of working the night shifts in the Navy, not being a sun baby, never doing drugs, going very light on the alcohol, staying in shape, not being a junk food junkie, and being blessed with the youthful skin of my mother as well as facial features from her side of the family that are also symmetrical. I am fully aware that had I taken after my dad’s side, I would not have this luck. Am I a 10? No, and I am more than comfortable with that. I’ll be brave enough to open myself up to your criticism. A picture below. Do I look 49 in this picture?

          http://i1011.photobucket.com/albums/af238/russellhushjr/Me_zpsd7277504.jpg

          You don’t have to believe me…my experiences don’t require anyone to believe. But I wonder…when you and your friends hit 45, maybe 50, will you think it’s creepy for an older person to date or marry a younger person? If you are 50, and a 39 year old man falls in love with you, will you tell him that it would be creepy for you to date him? I’m going to guess no.

        4. Selena

          Brave of you Rusty to put your picture up. But yeah, you do look like you could be on either side of 50. Even more so without the Harley cap I would guess.   I will say, you’ve got great skin – I’m envious.
            
          Karmic, I will also say you DO look younger than 47 – 48? Very cute too! 🙂

        5. Mimi

          Rusty,

          Men’s testosterone levels drop drastically after 40-45, and so do men’s libido, erection quality, and sexual performance overall (of course, there are huge individual differences). Women who prefer dating much older (45+) guys either don’t care much about sex, or have some other priorities, e.g., financial.

        6. RustyLH

          Selena, thanks for the compliment. As to me looking my age, I don’t have an issue with that because I put it there for you to see so it of course informs your mind and influences. At the same time, I had a beard at that time, which because of the gray influences people’s opinion. I have had many women tell me when I wear it that I should either shave it or color it because it ages me. I tend to shave it off after wearing it for a short time. Think of it as a woman with the most beautiful long hair, then cutting it off. For me it’s the opposite. I just get the urge to grow it, wear it for a while, and then shave it.

          As for whether I look my age, I prefer to go by women I know, and the fact is, many of them, before I informed them of my age, when not wearing the beard, thought I was younger…much younger. More than once I have had women who were 10+ years younger pursue me for relationships, and continued to do so while knowing my age. Some however, were very shocked to learn my age and did not want a relationship with somebody much older, so the chose to no longer desire a relationship. It is those that I feel have the most honest opinion of my appearance. They think I am much younger. I totally understand that a woman who is just being friendly to me might just say I look younger to be nice, so I never put much stock in it. However, when a woman shows serious interest before knowing my age, and then withdraws that interest based on my age, I see it as an honest belief that I do not look my age. They are always very honest that it is my age that has changed their desire for a relationship.

          @ Karmic Yes, you do look good. I must admit though, that I may be a prejudiced judge because I have always been attracted to Asian women, and it is true that many Asian women look younger than their age. Google a Korean girl named Park Chorong. She is the leader of a Kpop group called Apink. Look at the Google image page for her. Note that she joined the group when she was 20, and is now 23, yet in many of her pictures she looks like she could be 12 to 14 years old. Only a few pictures where she is going out of her way to look elegant, such as for the MAMA awards, does she look her age, and even that is still debatable.

          But now the real issue. I have discussed this with many men and they all basically agree that this often the case. Not always the case…often the case…many women feel they must keep a man’s ego in check to the point that they become somewhat insulting, or very stingy with compliments. They believe this is the best way to deal with men. In fact it is the complete opposite and anyone reading and actually learning from Evan would understand that. What is it that Evan teaches a man looks for in a woman. They look for a woman that is visually appealing to them, and a woman that makes him feel good, and feel good about himself. In short, your replies bordered on not understanding this. I expected one of a few types of responses. I think the one I expected most is what I get the most from women I know, which is that the only thing that gives a clue to my age in that picture is the beard. I am told to shave it and I will look ten years younger. And that’s pretty much consistent with what I experience from women.

          Now think about this. It is claimed, and there may be something to it, that some men may in fact be simply trying to date younger women for their ego, to prove to themselves that they still have it. Could it be possible for a woman just 3 or 4 years younger to suddenly appear more appealing to him because she raves to him how great he looks and doesn’t really look his age? Could she, even being much closer to his age, provide what he is looking for? Could that cause him to suddenly become very attracted to him? Food for thought I guess. I would love to see somebody do an experiment like that. Have a group of above average men who prefer younger women have a meet and greet function where there are much younger women, but also women much closer to his own age. Unbeknownst to the men, the ladies would be given instructions. Let the younger girls only show moderate interest while the women close to his age really stroke his ego telling him that he does not look his age. Then let her give him her business card, and see if he gives her a call. I would bet money that most would.

        7. marymary

          May youth forever weave you, his magic around your ways  
          And time the robber leave you, the boy’s heart all your days  

          Martin Stephenson   

        8. Jenn

          Rusty,
          My experience is the opposite of what you describe. I’ve had many friends and coworkers over the years complain that guys on dating sites who contact them are way too old. Far too many guys who are 10, 15, or even 20+ years older than me have contacted me as well. I never said that women don’t fall for or chase much older guys. What I am saying is that yes, in the majority of cases, it is the men who are chasing after the younger  women with little bags of candy. When I’m 40, I will likely be most attracted to other 40-somethings. When I’m 50, same thing. That’s how most women are. Their preferences grow with them, whereas men’s preferences skew considerably younger as they age, even if they do still largely stick to their own age range. Don’t believe me? Check out that good ol’ OkCupid study that everyone loves to quote. The data speaks for itself.

        9. RustyLH

          Jenn,
          There is a difference between initiating contact on a dating website and chasing in real life.   However, I do get the online chasing as well.   I won’t bore you with details.   this issue is more complicated than just ages.   Just like Demi Moore can easily date guys in their 20s even though she’s 51, that is not going to be the reality for most 51 year old women.   But even for her, getting one to marry here, or stay married to her is still an entirely different thing.
            
          Also, if I remember right, you are like in your late 20’s or early 30’s and still a virgin, right?   Of course you are going to have the attitude that you have.   But keep in mind, it takes two to Tango   When you are 50, you can prefer a 50 year old guy all you want, but the reality is this…the men who are desirable tend to prefer women at least a little younger.   5 years +/- a few years is a good guide.   And unless they get what they want, most are happy to remain single.   Is that fair?   Fair has nothing to do with it.   It really is a waste of energy to even get mad over.   It is what it is.   There are exceptions to any rule though, and maybe you will be one of the lucky ones to get that exception.   Your best bet is to find a guy now though, when age isn’t as big of a factor, and no matter what, never take the guy for granted.   Call him on his BS when he truly acts up, but at the same time, in all other cases, never let him feel that you take him for granted.   Make yourself irreplaceable by making him #1 in your life and keeping him that.   Let the rest of the world do the tearing down, while you build him back up.   Always let him know you are in his corner.   If, when the world tears him down and you try to build him up, and he lashes out at you…don’t feed into it.   Don’t lash back.   Just let him know that you aren’t going to sit around and let him lash out at yo in his pain.   Remind him that you are the one in his corner and so deserve better, then walk away.   He’ll sulk…feel like crap,   and realize he screwed up, and will find you and apologize.
          The point here, is find a guy your age now while guys are still in the mood to marry women their age.   Then make sure you keep him.   Then when you are 50, he will still be there with you and you won’t have to deal with this mess.     Because I assure you that when you are 50, the 47 to 53 year olds aren’t going to be nearly as smitten with you as you would like…not the ones you want anyway.

        10. Jenn

          Rusty,
          What does having a preference for a man who is my peer age-wise have to do with being a  virgin? That would be the case no matter what my sexual standing is. LOL  I was not disputing the reality that men  are more attracted to  younger women. I am very well aware of that (and not angry about it either, just resigned). My point was that while men may always continue to want young women as they age, even though they themselves  could be old enough to be the girl’s father, women are different. We do not care if we are not attractive to 20 year old guys, because with few exceptions, women do not want to date guys who are that much younger than themselves. And as it happens, the vast majority tend to wind up with people who are  plus or minus  5 years of their age anyway. For all the talk about May-December romances, statistically those are actually few and far between. What bothers me is talk like yours, which suggests “Hey girl, you better hurry up and find a husband fast, ’cause ain’t nobody gonna want you when you’re over 35. And you better make damn sure you’re good to him and do what he says, so he don’t wander off and find a prettier, younger version of you.” That viewpoint is not only insulting to women (who on average, tend to age much better than men do because we do more to maintain our appearance), but it’s insulting to guys to imply that they can just fall out of love at the drop of a hat  simply  because their women are no longer the  young, starry-eyed, innocent  girls they once were.

        11. RustyLH

          Jenn, you are full of tired, worn out, debunked cliches.
            
          First, I posted a government census website that showed that in 2012, 23% of marriages had an age difference greater than 5 years.   10.5% greater than 10 years.   So this vast majority of marriages you speak of is hardly a vast majority.   Is it fair to say that more marriages end up with small age gaps?   Sure.   Does that have everything to do with age?   No, because many people meet and fall in   love in high school and college, where most people are within 3 to 5 years age difference.
          Also, you are one woman.   The women you hang out are one small group of women compared to the 150 million women in the U.S. alone.   Your views are not shared by all of them.   Not even a vast majority.   More than not, sure, I will give you that.   But then, I know a lot of girls who did marry guys even less than 1 year age difference who express great sexual interest in some older men.   So as I said, just going by what the average age difference is not conclusive.
            
          Next up is your myth that women age better than men.   Sorry but there is no empirical evidence to support   you belief.   Maybe because you are a woman and do not look at women in a sexual light, you are more forgiving, because the simple fact is most women do not age well either.   I won’t go so far as to say that men age better, even though that is my perception when I look around, but I also understand that since I do not look at men in a sexual light, I might be more critical of women’s looks, since I am judging them on suitability to be a mate…and rejecting the vast majority.
            
          As to having to hurry up and get married by 35.   I don’t think you have to, but as noted, men do prefer younger women.   As has also been noted by many top shelf women here, the top shelf men their age aren’t interested, because they are top shelf, they are finding younger women who unlike you, are interested.   Do you have to throw in the towel once you hit 35?   Hardly.   But even the women here express that it gets harder and harder to find men they desire, who also desire them.
            
          Evan himself has stated over and over that people need to be more serious about finding their mate when they are younger, instead of thinking that they have forever to find the right match.   At some point, you are going to have to stop holding out for Mr. right, show does not exist, and settle find a Mr. Right Now.   I actually do try to not be personally offensive on these boards, but there are many men out there who would love to find a virgin to marry.   Being Christian I assume that you go to church.   The men in church would love to find that, and we have no shortage of churches.   So the question is, why can’t you find love?   The answer for you is the same for all of us.   You are unrealistically picky.   You feel entitled to something you will likely never find.
          I remember that black comedian who does a bunch of movies, can’t think of his name right now.   He was doing a stand up routine and asked women to raise their hand if they felt they were a good woman.   All raised their hand.   Then he said to keep their hand up if they thought it was hard to find a good man.   Most kept their hands up.   Then he asked the men to stand up if they are a good man.   Most did.   He said, “Ladies, it seems you have a problem with perception.”
            
          You are going to keep this image in your head of this perfect man who is going to make you happy, and then one day you might even think you found him, and marry him.   Years down the road you will realize that he is only human with faults, like the rest of us.   I hope you have matured enough to deal with that.

        12. tamara

          Rusty, I agree with u on some stuff, but how many times do u have to tell us that many older men prefer younger women? I know u mean to be helpful, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s less helpful and more potentially hurtful.

          Remember that nasty ex bf I mentioned who showed what a horrible person he is after I refused to marry him or get back with him? He still smses daily, and one thing he likes to say is “You’re getting older, u think many other guys will want u?”  

          It just makes me think a)Yeah I do think i’m a gd enough person that other guys will like me, b) Even if nobody else wanted me, I STILL wouldn’t wanna be with u.

          I think that’s what some other women feel when it comes to significantly older men. (Some women prefer much older men, some are willing to consider a great much older man, but not all women are like that).   Some women will not wanna be with an older man, no matter what, they wanna be with a peer or nobody. U aren’t gonna change their minds, and u aren’t helping them with such comments. Meanwhile your comments end up rubbing it in to women that we’re devalued by some men based on smthg that We Can’t Help. Clearly everyone ages.

        13. RustyLH

          Tamara, First let me say that any man who would say that to you is scum. I never go out of my way to say anything degrading or insulting. That doesn’t mean somebody won’t be offended at what I say.
            
            
          But then, Tamara, many of the women you speak of say some vile stuff themselves. I see a lot of women on her, such as Jenn trying to convince us that all women are creeped out if an older man shows interest. It’s simply not true. We hear that men over 40 are all beer bellied, losers with poor hygiene. We hear that men are weak because they can’t handle a strong modern woman who makes more money than he does. No, we have no problem with money. Most of us have no problem with a woman who is successful, even if she is more successful than us. Actually, it is the woman who typically has problem with that. We have no problem with her being strong, we have a problem with her being obnoxious, or stubborn and poor at compromising. Too many “strong” women have a problem with compromising because they are so afraid of being walked on. They become what they fear. I don’t care if there are some women who refuse to date older men. Be it men just a little outside
            
            
          f the 5 year bubble, or a guy 10+ years. That’s their choice. Choices do have consequences. That is true for all of us. If I insisted on holding out for a woman who is 25 to 35, I would have nobody to blame but myself to blame when I never find anyone. But it would be my right to be stubborn like that.
            
            
          Fortunately for me, I’m not interested in anything so unrealistic. But then, I am confounded that I have had several women in just the last 2 years show extreme interest in marriage, all of them under 30. 3 in Brazil (23, 26), 1 in the Philippines (23), 3 in the U.S. (24 -28), and 2 in China (27-28). I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. It’s not what I am looking for. I am still talking to the 27 year old Brazilian simply because she has already lived in my area, and is the same religion. Actually attended my church while she lived here, before her divorce.
            
            
          I would give anything for every one of those women to have had an extra 10 to 20 years on them, yet be just like they are. I can tell you this Tamara, Oprah lied. It’s like that letter Evan had where he refused to take an older woman on as a client because she refused to date an older man. She insisted on having a younger man. It was her turn to have fun as she put it. I am not sure that was what he should have done. If all she wanted was fun, I think I would have counseled her to make it clear that all she was after was fun. Not a LTR. I will always tell women to go ahead and chase the young guys if all they are after is fun. It’s a very smart decision if that is all you want. You might even get lucky, and find a younger guy who does want an LTR. Look
            
            
          Tamara, I am a man, and yet I will tell you that most men aren’t worth YOUR time. I couldn’t care less if a woman wants a younger man. However, I am a man, and I know what many of these men say. I’ve seen many men do one night stands, and short term affairs with these older women, and then totally bad mouth them when they are back around the guys. calling them fat, saggy, etc…and those are the nicer things. I’m not a cold hearted person so I never participate in that stuff. I personally find it disgusting.
            
            
          And yet there also great guys like that guy who posted a video of he and his much older wife dancing. So my advice to women who want a younger guy is to become a man in this instance. As Evan said, men look for sex and find love. So go out there, have fun, and don’t worry about it going anywhere. Just keep it in mind that the guy is likely not interested in marriage, and if you do that, you will see the signs with clearer vision, and when you see it, have an eye out for a replacement, then rinse and repeat.
            
            
          Sometimes, they will give very good clues. I recently spoke with a women a bit younger than me who is dating a guy, living with him, and he is 6 years younger. She let slip that he doesn’t want to “define” their relationship by using labels like boyfriend/girlfriend, etc…   Remember the Steve Harvey interview on Oprah where he talked about asking his daughter’s boyfriend what his plan was for his daughter. The boyfriend said, “We just kickin it.” Well that is what that younger guy was doing to that woman. But it’s up to her to wake up and realize it.
            
            
          I will summarize my beliefs on this subject.

          I believe that the majority of men are not interested in marrying a woman more than a year or two older, and the vast majority are not interested in long term when she is older by more than a few years.
          I believe most men are more than OK with short term relationships with women of any age so long as he likes what he sees and likes how she makes him feel.   Long term relationships are a different story.
          I think something has to give.   Most men want a woman their age or younger, and will often go for the younger woman if he can do so, while most women want a man within 5 or 6 years of their age, a man within a few years older to 10 years younger, or a man within a few years younger to 10 years older. (going by preferences I see on American sites).
          I think some men are put off by a woman’s profile when he is within her preferred range, but he is in the upper few years and she is showing a clear preference for younger men.   (My advice…lie.   Make the range equal on both sides and then just ignore the older guys you aren’t interested in.
          I believe that women in the U.S. of all races, have become more open to dating men of other races.
          I believe that men in the U.S. of all races, have become more open to dating women of other races.   This has increasingly opened their mind to women in other countries.
          I think women believe stereotypes about foreign women because it is comforting to do so.
          I think younger women are far more open to dating, and to a lesser extent, marrying older men that some women believe.
          I think the numbers concerning the above lead to that misunderstanding because there are more women who might be open to marrying an older man, but don’t do so because they meet their husband in high school, college, or other activities that filter people by age.   For instance, most churches have Bible school classes before or after the sermon that are segregated into age groups.   Such as college age, 30 and under, 30’s, 40’s, 50+.   In addition, night clubs.   Regardless, the link (2012) I posted in another post showed that the number of people marrying with an age gap of 5+ and 10+ years has doubled in 6 years if Lisa’s 2006 in for is to be trusted.   I do trust it.   The 2012 info stated that nearly 1-4 women marries a man more than 5 years older, an about half of those are 10+.   Finally while I think there are more younger women open to the idea, not enough men keep their appearance up enough to take advantage of it.
          I do think that if you want to date somebody younger, you will be under far more pressure to keep yourself very fit, whether you are a man or woman.
          I also think that if you are older, it is much more likely for your partner to cheat, or leave you for somebody younger and fitter, if you marry somebody younger.   I think men are more likely to be scum in this area so I think the older women bear an unfair burden here.

            
          This now novel length so I’ll write something else at the end of the comments.

        14. tamara

          @Rusty:
          1) Thanks, I’d already realised he’s a terrible person. Btw I wasn’t comparing your comments to my ex’s nasty remark, I was comparing my sentiments towards him to the sentiments that some women have towards much older men. I don’t think women who are so unattracted to older men can reconsider later; if they do, it’ll only be out of desperation to have a partner.
            
          2) Even though I don’t mind dating signif. older guys (I’ve also dated someone a yr younger though), it bothers me that I’ll almost certainly have many yrs alone at the end of my life (if I marry a guy many yrs older). It seems a long way off, but still.
            
          3) Aww pls don’t call men scum, I don’t believe that.
            
          4) Are most men That unconcerned with a woman’s education level or job??I know many don’t care that much (or I would have a hard time, erps!) but doesn’t the fact that many women here have high educ. and a gd income increase their attractiveness to guys, even guys a bit younger than them? (Assuming they look good too) I don’t mean in attracting gold-digging men, I mean in attracting guys who respect her more, who   love her, and who feel lucky to have found an equal.  
            
          I once listened to an episode of Tom Leykiss’ show (ugh he’s gross), he told this middle-aged caller “Men don’t care whether u own your own home, they care about what u look like with your clothes off”. But my older sis is a Cambridge-educated lawyer and when dating her now-husband, she was no conventional beauty–definitely plump with slightly-above-avg features. Her then-bf was a banker (but earned less than her; he’s not some nasty unscrupulous Wall St type though, he’s really gd person) with intelligence and dry British wit. I’m sure he could’ve gotten hotter girls, but her personality, intelligence and career success (even among Cambridge grads and among lawyers, she was exceptionally smart & successful) probably ‘compensated’ for her less-hot appearance. And he really seems to love her, they’re happily married now.
            
          Is this really a rare exception? Or are there a significant percentage of guys who do care alot about intelligence and career of a woman? I believe there are.
            
          5) I wouldn’t say u’re unpopular here; u merely voice less popular views. Just remember tt lots of readers here are women above 35, who I think wanna here the truth, but in a way that doesn’t make them feel lousy. These women are smart and can figure out if they’re willing to date much older guys, and whether it’ll make them happy.
            
          6) On a slightly unrelated note, have most pple given up on soulmates?? Many of the comments here (not yours, specifically) are so..unromantic. They’re about his job, or her looks, or her age, bleah.
            

        15. tamara

          7) Thanks for the summary of your beliefs on what ages men want and what ages women want in their partners. It’s appreciated, really. I read it carefully and will take it into account; the way Sherlock does, I’ll try to store it in my ‘mind palace’ haha. 🙂 I’m just saying some women here don’t wanna read it many times on this blog…

  8. 28
    Malcolm

    I’m  just  pondering a little bit  whether I could ever  do what Evan does.
    On the one hand:  enough Women perennially don’t get it (about dating not being “fair”, for example) that there would never be a shortage of clients needing to be told what’s really  in their own best interest.
    On the other hand: having to tell them and tell them, over and over again, might be more than I myself could handle.
    It’s a good thing we’re all different, right (?)      Evan can do what he does . . . and I’ll do something else less crazy-making.

  9. 29
    Vanessa Furman

    Single Mom of 2, age 31 and I am done having children of my own. I look to date older men for the reason that Evan stated. And it isn’t about settling, it’s about the quality of the lifestyle as a couple you together can provide. Settling would be giving up dreams and passions because you fell less worthy than the best.

  10. 30
    starthrower68

    This topic is launching so many thoughts, being that I am a single parent.   I don’t think we should be quick to condemn or take umbrage with the single folks who don’t want to date someone with kids; I will admit, it used to bother me.   Now, as I have had some life experience, I find that I would rather they just reject me up front.   I don’t want to be put in the position of feeling like I have to choose between my kids or a significant other, or worry that he and the kids will resent each other because I couldn’t make everybody happy.   That doesn’t help anyone.   So to those of you being intentional in not dating someone with kids if you don’t want to be involved with kids, at least on that level, I thank you for doing that.

  11. 31
    bbdawg

    I’m a 35 yr old woman, never married, no kids.
    Sorry but whether you’re a man or a woman, 4 kids is a whole lot to deal with.  
    Some single dads with full custody have contacted me, and I have zero interest with men with serious parental responsibilities.   I dislike the feeling of being the person’s implied “entertainment” away from their “real life”. I mean online dating is about picking and choosing and most people will avoid 4 kids if they can.   Sorry deal with it. Anyone who dates the OP for some time will become a parental figure in some way or other.   The fact that the OP assumes she is on the same boat as everyone else shows major lack of awareness on her end.
    The OP should focus on meeting people who are on her kids’ social calendar (i.e. other parents in a similar situation) or whatever.   Forget about online dating.   4 kids is a huge no-no for most people unless they are religious or have some other ulterior motive. Anyone who dates you is in some way “dating” your kids as well.   
    Focus on friendships and meeting people who are in your social circle already.   That would seem like the best bet considering the circumstances.

    1. 31.1
      Malcolm

      But it’s not FAIR (!)

      1. 31.1.1
        bbdawg

        I mean…from my experience I see these men who contact me as someone looking for a potential cook/nanny/maid in addition to sex.   I mean what else do you do with someone who has FOUR kids? The OP can’t travel, can’t sleep over, can’t have a weekend for herself.   When you are around kids, especially little ones, they demand attention 24/7.

        Men who have multiple kids have it better than women because they don’t usually live with the kids, but seriously…most men hesitate when they consider “commitment” right away, if a woman has 4 kids it means commitment x 4.   Because anyone who is half-decent knows that if you get together with someone who has kids, chances are the kids will also be heartbroken if things don’t work out.

        I   wish people with kids focused ONLY in people who already had kids, this way they would have a lot in common to begin with. It’s a whole lot to ask of a single person to become a potential step-parent to 4 kids.   Money would help – if the mother or father are *very* wealthy, the child rearing might be alleviated somehow (multiple nannies and baby sitters).   But no matter how much money you make, this isn’t an attractive proposition to most people.

        1. RustyLH

          You could still go out on a date with a single man, but be very up front about your kids.   Find out how he feels about it.   What you are looking for si a positive reaction.   Maybe the guy grew up in a huge family like my dad did, and maybe he thinks it would be great to have 4 kids running around.
          Ask what the man does for fun most days.   Ask what he would like to do for fun that he isn’t doing now.   Again, you would be looking for signs that his life is compatible with kids being around, or that he wants it to be.   In short, if he says he does all kinds f things that kids couldn’t possibly do, like rock/mountain climbing, scuba diving, sky diving, mountain biking, playing poker, etc…then you have to wonder how he would fit kids into what he likes or wants to do.   I think this is a great way to look for compatibility.   After all, it is his free time that the kids will impact.   Not his sleep (not drastically), and not his work.   It is his free time that will be impacted.   Expensive hobbies might also clash since he will likely have less cash…remember one movie date is now almost 3 times as expensive as it would be with a childless woman.

  12. 32
    RustyLH

    It suddenly occurred to me that there are many men out there who want equal time with their children.   If women would accept less child support while allowing the custody agreement to give him equal time with the children, it would solve most of women’s problems in this area.   They would have more time for themselves, and more time to give to a potential partner, and at the same time, more men would be in the same boat and so would totally understand the situation and in fact likely would want the same thing from a woman.
    Odds of this happening?   Pretty close to zero.

    1. 32.1
      NASHWC

      Accept less money? Give him equal time with the children?  In this ‘men are disposable’ culture,  men  are regularly labeled misogynist, sexist and/or   ‘anti-feminist’ for  thinking such hateful things … 🙂

    2. 32.2
      Julia

      Yes, welcome to Gen X and Millenials who are already doing this. Its pretty regular for 50/50 custody and no child support among the most liberal single parents. Don’t listen to the other guy, its highly feminist for children to spend half their time with their father and for parents to split the costs of raising children.

      1. 32.2.1
        Henriette

        I don’t believe this is true only of liberals or feminists, either.   I have friends, former couples who are conservatives, who also choose this arrangement.   They believe it’s best for children to spend lots of time with their father and to see their mother standing on her own feet, financially (and otherwise).     It’s my sincere hope that this becomes increasingly common in the future amongst splitting couples of every political stripe

        1. Julia

          I didn’t mean to say conservatives do not do this. I actually don’t really know any conservative couples, let alone divorced ones with kids. I am just sick of reading that feminism means women taking children from men and suing them for child support. More couple are taking on equal roles as co-parents if they divorce. That is progress in society, its good for the children and its very feminist.  

    3. 32.3
      Pat

      There are an awful lot of men out there that don’t care about their children. Most of the men who do, don’t get divorced so it’s a non-issue. Which is why women get the heap of the burden taking care of the children AND they don’t get a penny out of their dead-beat exes. So please spare us the MRA vitriol.

      1. 32.3.1
        JennLee

        I would have no sympathy for a an who is a dead beat, but spare us your vitriol because we women are more likely to be a dead beat parent if we are ordered to pay support, and far less likely to go to jail for it.

        http://www.foxnews.com/story/2002/08/09/moms-can-be-deadbeats-too/

        I volunteer for a charity that serves the homeless. 6 out of 7 are men. When we talk to people who give donations, they often assume that just as many, if not more women are homeless, and they have sympathy for women who are homeless. Many could care less about the men who are homeless. We also get far more women’s clothes donated than we do for men, even though the need for clothing for men is desperate. Part of that is because we poor downtrodden women buy many more clothes, and then donate them well before they are worn out. Men, those greedy bastards, tend to spend far less on clothes and keep what they have until it is worn out, or completely out of style.

        I met the kindest old man through this charity. He had a business carving roses out of wood. He was supporting himself until the economy went to the pits. Then nobody wanted to spend a lot of money on hand carved roses. People tightened their belts. So he ended up homeless. Then his tools were stolen. We got him a job interview, but all of his belongings are in a duffel bag, and when he showed up, the interviewer saw the bag and asked if he was homeless. The old guy told us that he could see the interviewers attitude change, and of course he did not get the job. He’s never stoned, never smells of alcohol, never smokes, and is never rude to anyone. I feel sorry for him. We also meet a lot of guys in their 20s through 50s who became homeless when the housing bubble burst. Their stories of just how hard it is to get off the streets is heartbreaking. Like the older gentleman, who said that he has to take his duffel bag with him to job interviews because if he doesn’t it will be stolen. But taking it with him screams that he is homeless.

        We deal with all types of people. Some are good people and some are not. I can say this however, far more of the men we deal with are kind and patient people. Only a few of the women have proven to be as kind and patient. The women are far more likely to have an entitlement mentality and act rude when they don’t get things their way. The men tend to be much much nicer when we tell them that we can’t do something for them, or can’t meet one of their needs.

        Volunteering there has helped me start to look at people more as individuals. I’ve learned to stop believing old, outdated stereotypes

        One last thing…you are way off base about men not caring about their kids unless they aren’t divorced. Try talking to some men. Prove to them that they can feel safe confiding their hopes and fears. Most men I know who are divorced, simply feel the system doesn’t care about them as fathers, except where child support is concerned. Then it cares a lot.

        I watched a Doctor Phil where a man and his wife were both high earners. He had a reasonable visitation schedule. Why didn’t he get 50% of the custody? Anyway, she then quit her job and moved a long distance away, and took a lower paying job. The father missed his child so he also moved to where she was now living so that he could be near his child. He could not find employment making the same amount. He found a job making much lower. It was acknowledged that there was less opportunity, plus since the move was from California to North Carolina, there was no way he would make the same. Court refused to modify his support payments. Really?

        Anyway, look outside of your own victim mentality and meet and get to know men. They aren’t the bogeymen some of you want to claim they are. Some are creeps, yes, but so are just as many women.

  13. 33
    Selena

    Beard or no beard Rusty, you still look like a middle aged guy between 45-55. You live in Ohio right? So do I. Maybe I’ve seen you?   More likely I’ve just seen so many men who resemble you. Haven’t you seen them? They’re everywhere.   🙂
      

    1. 33.1
      RustyLH

      Well, that’s your opinion, and everyone is entitled to an opinion. It has zero bearing on me, my self esteem, or direction in life. I also put more stock in the women who wanted to date me and then found out I was older than what they were looking for and so politely backed out. It is not uncommon in such cases for them to ask to see proof of my age.

      And as I said, after that I shaved it off. Just after that, I met a 19 year old girl in a class in college. Our room was changed last minute to an open room which was bigger, so there were many open seats. I selected a an area by myself on the left side of the room. The hottest girl in the class, a surfer girl, was sitting on the right side of the classroom, sitting as it turns out, beside a guy who went to her high school. The very next class she was sitting right beside me, with the guy sitting on the opposite side. I later learned that it was her decision to move and she asked the other guy to move with her…to make it not look so obvious when she sat right beside me at my table. We ended up studying together a lot in the math lab, and going to lunch together at the food court or someplace off campus. After the final exam, truths came out. For one, oddly, my age never came up, though I had learned she was 19 by hearing her tell one of the other guys in the class. She got a lot of attention from most of the guys in the class. The lone exception being the 30+ year old married guy who was also very overweight. Anyway, she didn’t actually ask my age. Me, her and 3 other young guys were at the food court and one of them asked me. When I said my age, they all thought I was telling a fib. The girl asked to see my DL. After seeing it, she said, “well I guess that explains it.” I said, “Explains what?” She said, “Why you never asked me out.” I was a bit shocked, not knowing where this was going or why she thought I would ask her out, but she continued saying, “That was the reason I sat beside you and studied with you…I thought it would be fun to go out with a hot older guy for a while, before I leave.” I will admit to being a bit stunned. I am sure my face was only slightly less incredulous than the three young guys. I admitted that I thought she was sitting next to me because it was apparent the first night that I had a better grasp of the material. I misjudged her motives, thinking it was all about getting an A, and that this was why she sat by me, and flirted. I did finish top of the class. So…yes we did have an awesome time until she left, transferring to a bigger school a few hundred miles away. She did ask me one night why I never caught on to the hints and never asked her out. I simply said, “I thought you just wanted help getting an A, and besides, I didn’t want to be the creepy older guy, hitting on the hottest girl in the class.” She had a great laugh at that one, and did a lot of light hearted teasing. And this is usually how it goes, or something like it. As I said, it is usually the younger woman who is the aggressor, at least to a point.

      The point of this is that I know many people don’t think I look my age. I really don’t even care about that. I do like the fact that I do seem to get far more attention from younger women than the vast majority of men I know. However, I do prefer meat and potatoes to candy. In short, I would like a girl who is as straight forward as she was…as light hearted as she was…as great at complimenting a guy as she was…moderately good looking…all wrapped up in a woman somewhere near 38 to 45 or so…the numbers not set in stone so could be outside of those numbers but preferably on the older side, not younger. I do prefer somebody close to my age, just not exactly my age or older. My preference.

      I wish more women in their 30s and 40s would read and actually understand what I have read in EMK’s writings. It really amazes me how many women, especially women in my target range don’t seem to understand what motivates a man to be with them. They ration out praise, or affection thinking, “OH, I can’t let him get a big head…got to keep him grounded,” which is the total opposite of what we are looking for. I think others just have standards so high no man can meet them, so of course she can’t treat him like he wants/needs to be treated because it will feel fake to her. And finally, there are those who seem to be so afraid of being run over by a Misogynist that they become a Misandrist. They want to simply be appreciated for who they are, don’t try to change them, but then want to remake a guy into what they want, mostly through being passive aggressive, or just downright insulting. #doublestandard. I expected as much, but the comments on my picture point to that. They aren’t learning. I wouldn’t say anything negative to a woman who posted her picture. Karmic posted hers, and she is a good looking woman, but even if she weren’t, i would not have said anything negative. I at least understand that it’s simply not the way to conduct yourself. But them? Oh boy, they have to exercise that need to put the man in check. It doesn’t bother me, probably because of my life experience to this point. But as I said, I expected it. It is a festering sore in most women that make them lash out in nasty ways to men, even when not warranted, such as when I posted my experience as a leader in the Navy, and somebody felt the need to denigrate it. If they do it here, I am sure they do it in real life…maybe without knowing they do it. Maybe their dating problems have less to do with their age, or job title, and more to do with how they treat men. Their default attitude toward men that rears it’s ugly head at the slightest provocation.

      1. 33.1.2
        sandra

        Rusty,
        First, I think you look good for your age.   I would not have guessed 10-15 yrs younger , but good regardless.   Great skin and  very fit.   However, younger people ( teens and 20`s especially) are not the best judges of age.   They are often shocked that a middle-aged person looks youthful, and would expect a 49 yr old to look more heavier, tired, worn, and just older.   Ask a woman in her 60s or older and she will guess your age much closer to what it is and are often spot on.
        But I am curious, I know your preferred age range for a woman normal , but what would be so terrible if you met a woman who had most or all of what you are looking for but was , say,   a very attractive 48?   What terrible thing would happen?   Just curious.

        1. RustyLH

          My age range is a preference and is not set in stone, for the most part.   If she is 48, she can still win me over.   But everyone has a cut off.   Often it is just mental and I suppose, a need to draw the line somewhere, because let’s look at it logically.   If you are willing to date a man 5 years older…is one more year that big of a difference?   OK, so if 6 years older is OK, is7 really hat much different?   And if 7 is then OK, what is so wrong with 8?   And if 8 is not acceptable, 9 really isn’t that much different, and 10 isn’t any different than 9, and heck, if 10 is OK, 11 could be the difference of just one month if the guy 10 years older was actually 10 years and 11 months older.   And we could go on with this until we are at an absurd age difference like 30 or 40 years.   So everyone choose a cutoff age.   Most guys will either want the woman to for certain be a few years younger, just one year younger minimum, same age or younger, or a year or three older maximum.   And in almost every case, it is total package that we are looking for, and to us, that means looks and personality.   So the math of that simply means that the older woman would need a better personality to compete with the younger women we know.
            
          In all of that, I can only speak for myself, because what each man is looking for is different.   Some men don’t like super affectionate women, but for me it is a requirement.   For me, she needs to want to touch and be touched affectionately, so much that it is like second nature to her.   Other than that there are some things that are deal breakers also.   Like, she has to be kind, patient, respectful, low drama, not a gossiper, faithful, in decent shape, relatively pretty, not selfish, not a drug addict, not and alcoholic, a non smoker, etc…
            
          I don’t care if she is 5’1″ or 5’11”.   The Brazilian 27 year old model just told me yesterday that she is 5’11”.   She was really worried that it would matter to me, so she was very worried about how tall I was and was happy that I am an inch taller.   The only number that bothers me is the 27.   Her weight number is fine (and I don’t even know it but can see she is fine in her pictures and on skype), and her 1 child is fine.   I do wish she had a minimum or 10 more years on her, and it would even be preferable if she had 20 more years.   In short, 37 would be best, 47 2nd best, and 27 is the worst of the three options.   All of that said, no matter what the age…if I chose to get into a relationship with a woman, I stop worrying about the age.   In other words, if me and this 27 year old end up in a relationship, at that point I stop worrying about it.   I stop wishing she were older.   Same if she were 47.   If I chose her at 47, I wouldn’t sit around wishing she were 37.

  14. 34
    CaliforniaGirl

    When I was dating, I went out with few guys who had kids in shared custody. They didn’t live with them full time, but they had them on the weekends or every Friday night or Sunday night and so on. They couldn’t be spontaneous, they couldn’t attend with me events or see me on those days they had children, I always felt like number two. One guy told me that the most important thing in his life is his son. I get it, but just didn’t work for me. So, after that I stopped even considering men with children. I have many girlfriends who got divorced around 35 and all of them without children (including me) are already married or in serious relationships. Those with children, well, had some short-term flings but nothing serious. I live in LA, so the location perhaps matters, there are a lot good looking single childless women around here.

  15. 35
    still-looking

    OP – don’t give up hope.   I dated a lady your age with 3 young children.   After a few dates I realized that I wouldn’t be able to cope with young kids.   We kept in touch and she kept me updated on her dating life.   After a few months she found a wonderful man who wanted a house full of kids and she is now married.
    Another lady became a very close friend.   She has a very severely handicapped child.   Dating was very rough for her because every man would drift away after a few dates.   She finally met a wonderful man and is now happily married.
    I would recommend that you have a couple of guy friends review your profile.   You complain that all the guys want sex, and there is no disputing that fact, but you can tailor your profile to ward off the guys who are only seeking sex.   
    The bad news is many guys are just looking for something casual.   The good news is there are some decent men who are very family oriented.   You just need to find them.  

  16. 36
    Lola2

    Unfortunately, life ain’t fair. Once you have kids,   your primary responsibility is not your own happiness / fulfillment /satisfaction. It’s your kids’ welfare. Deal with it. Most likely, this will mean your   dating pool will be different.   Sometimes the experience will be brutal. I’ve met guys online who told me in plain English that they would LOVE to have a “relationship” (read: short term NSA one) with me but they don’t want “anything serious” because of the kids.  I get it, and thank you for an honest warning.   
    For anyone with the kids, dating is not all roses. And should the relationship prosper, the step-parenting is often no picnic either (“hers” vs “his” kids, moody teenagers, custody battles, jealousy, resentments, you name it.)
    Do I advocate the OP to forget serious dating/LTR for now? Might not be a bad idea, with the 4 kids that she has. Might be a good idea to actually devote her time to raising the kids – and revisit the possibility of serious dating when the kids are a bit older. Sorry if I’m killing the “knight in the shining armor” fantasy for all the divorced women out there.  

  17. 37
    Princess1012

    That’s my story except I hold on to the cookie and try to see if the guy is a fit. Most times they get tired of waiting and leave. I’m a single mother of 3 children; 14, 11 and 8. I’m 41 and I’ve been single since I was 31. Wasted the last five years on an off an on relationship with a man that didn’t appreciate me but treated me like I should be grateful to have him in my life until I found out he was seeing other women. I left him for good and he acted “surprised” and certain that i would find my way back to him. Not going to happen. Id rather be single and sane than to be in a “relationship” and crazy.  
    Like the writer. I’m very attractive, I exercise regularly. I don’t look my age and have an awesome career. I really don’t have the baby sitting issues because my son is 14 and can watch the others if I need to go out on a date. I also have a live in if I need to take over night trips. Still nothing… I don’t want to settle. I’ve even tried dating outliers just so I don’t limit myself. After this last 5 week thing I had with a man I thought was perfect for me. He decided to pursue others since he didn’t feel I was interested in him because I guess we hadn’t had sex in the 5 weeks we hung out. I think I’m throwing in the towel. It’s been 10 yrs since my divorce and I have NEVER had a relationship. I mean a real one. Just dates… Then they want sex. I’m surprised that this guy hung in there this long. I was getting to the point where I was starting to trust him. Sigh…

    1. 37.1
      RustyLH

      like I should be grateful to have him in my life
      You should feel grateful to have him in your life…bu at the same time, he should have felt the same way.   That is what you want…to have a man that feels grateful to have you in his life, but you also feel that for him.   The problem here is that it was one sided.   That’s not good and you are right to turn away from him forever.   He’s not a good man.
      You said you don’t want to settle, but the truth is, except for the top 1%, we all settle.   I would say that if your personality is good, a childless you would be close to my perfect woman.   But you have 3 kids, and one is going to be there for at least the next 10 years.   So I…or most any man, would have to “settle” if we had a relationship.   But a good man won’t focus on that.   A good man if he chooses to “settle” for you, will simply make the choice that he wants to be with you and will then get his mind right regarding the kids.   But it would be up to you to make sure he never regrets it…if he is a good man.   And by that, I mean to always show him that you do feel lucky to have him in your life.   Treat him like a king, but also demand to be treated like a queen.
      But now the question is, if he forgoes a childless version of you, and “settles” for you…what are you willing to settle for?   And trust me, you do have to settle at some point.   But what is a need and what is a want?   I would say a list would look something like this.
      Need (these are deal breakers)

      Loyal
      Faithful
      Kind
      Not Selfish
      Fair
      Respectful
      Loving
      Affectionate
      Proud to be seen with you, and likes your company
      Have a job or be in school preparing for next career
      Not a drug user
      Not a smoker
      Not an alcoholic
      Not abusive (verbally or physically)
      Kind and loving to your kids.   (Discipline should never be his job.   It’s your job and your job alone, though you should always listen to his advice in private.   Too much risk of the kids resenting him if he ends up becoming the person who handles discipline, even if it is shared with you.)
      Always stands with you in any serious debate or argument.   (He should never side against you, nor should you ever side against him.)
      Has good hygiene
      Decent health
      Doesn’t put up with your BS and demands these same qualities from you.

        
      Want (these are NOT deal breakers)

      Good looking
      Tall
      Great hair
      Great teeth
      Great body
      Athletic
      Great Job
      College degree
      Lot’s of money
      Owns own home
      Acts confident (there are guys who have every reason to be confident, but they struck out with a few women, lost their confidence, and it became a vicious cycle.   Finding success with a good woman may cause him to become confident again.   Don’t go on first impressions.   See if he’ll come out of his shell.)
      Has a cool car
      You family and friends approve, and or, love him to pieces.   (It’s fine to want them to accept him, but what we are talking about is any word from them that you are “settling” that you could have done better.   Maybe he’s the least attractive man you’ve ever dated/married, or maybe he is the first without a college degree, or maybe has the worst financial situation.   The fact is, you didn’t settle.   If this is the man you are with, he’s the best man you can get.   You didn’t settle.   And, if he is a good man, he deserves a wife/girlfriend that stands up for him, that lets others know right away that talk like that won’t be tolerated by you.   You should point out that you didn’t settle and then explain to them the great qualities that he does have.   Then explain that, for instance, you will take a good man with this list of great qualities over a good looking man with a fancy degree and a fat wallet, but no sense of loyalty, etc…   Explain to them that the guys with the qualities they are bemoaning, always came with deal breaker qualities and thus are losers and you are done dating/marrying losers.   If he is a good man, you should be making sure that they acknowledge that, and then point out that this makes him top shelf.   In other words, you didn’t settle.   You got one of the good guys.)

  18. 38
    Frida

    “It’s not you they don’t want; it’s your lifestyle.”
    Couldn’t have said it better.
    Perhaps, just for now you can focus on what you do have-your Four   beautiful children. Those years go by fast.
    I say- Date, have fun, keep it light, and your expectations low. Take care of yourself so when you do meet somebody who wants what you want( and wants it with you) YOU will be fabulously ready.

  19. 39
    zingle

    Some men can’t have children.

    When I was young – early twenties, my boyfriend who was 28 at the time got testicular cancer and had chemotherapy which meant he could no longer have kids.

    He recently got in touch with me to say hello and thanks for my support during that time. He’s now living with a woman who has 4 children of her own.

    Anyway my point is that some men might be open to women who already have young children because they can’t have children of their own but would like to be a parent.
      

  20. 40
    Lark

    Um I’m no personal love expert but it sounds to me that your asking a little more than what you already have it sounds to me that you need a different   relationship, I don’t think highly of people that talk so good about them self, but maybe if you just wait and love will bump into I’m still waiting.

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