I’m 25 yrs old, and I’ve been with my boyfriend (he’s 29) for one and a half years. We met through a Christian website and after 4 months of dating, we went steady as a couple. On both our profiles, we did state that we were looking for someone to date and hopefully, settle down and have a family with. It was four months into being exclusive as a couple before he said “I love you” to me, and he said that I was the first female he’d ever said it to. He has introduced me to his family and relatives (I see his family once a week) and he has been back with me to visit my family overseas.
Lately, we have been talking about marriage, and he says he would like to settle down soon. He has mentioned that he would like to get married at the end of this year or at the latest, early 2010. But at the moment, he is trying to get out of shift work and getting a job with regular hours, and he says until he gets a job with regular hours, he will not get married. He said that this year is the transitional year for him, as he has been in shift work for 10 years and he has already started classes for a new career in welding.
My question is, how do you know when a man is serious about marrying you and not just trying to drag things on? I have come to realize that I would like to get married before 28 and have kids soon, as I feel my biological clock is ticking. I don’t think that I could wait any longer for more than 2 years, and I made a deal with myself that if we were not, at least engaged by this year’s end, I would walk away. I do not wish to waste more time, as I am not getting younger.
So how would you know if a guy means what he says or is just making empty promises? Or worse, dragging things on?
It would be great if you could help me out on this one, thanks Evan!
A loyal reader,
Give yourself a break. You’re a smart cookie who is in a healthy relationship with a responsible guy who loves you.
First piece of advice from the old, married, dating expert: Chill out. Seriously. You’re 25 years old. Want to hear a ticking biological clock? Come visit the Katz household.
Second piece of advice: Give yourself a break. You’re a smart cookie who is in a healthy relationship with a responsible guy who loves you. There is absolutely no indication that he’s a player who is using you. How do I know this if I’ve never met him? Well, it’s written all over your email.
He’s been dating you exclusively for a year and a half.
He said “I love you” to you for his first time ever.
He brings you to see his family every week.
He has been to see your family overseas (a very expensive ticket for a wanna-be welder).
He is trying to make more money to be able to afford to support you and your fictional children.
Third piece of advice: Give him time.
I give you credit – because, unlike a lot of women I know – you’re focused on your love life at a young age. That means you’re not waiting until 38 to say, “Hmm…maybe I should start prioritizing a relationship”. However, you are boxing yourself in if you’re acting as if you have to be married with children by age 28.< The truth is - you don't know a fraction of what there is to know about life and love at age 25. In 5 years, you'll look back at the 25-year-old Adele and shake your head. At 35, you'll look back at 30-year-old Adele and do the same thing. There is simply no better teacher than life experience - and the further along you get, the more you realize that you don't know anything. It's like that aphorism: "We plan. God laughs." Ask anybody over the age of 40 if their life has gone according to the plans they had at 25, and they'll likely give you a warm, semi-patronizing hug.
So throw out your timetable, your ticking clock, and your plans, and go back to supporting your loving boyfriend.
That’s what I’m giving you right now as well.
I want to give you permission to just “be” – to live your life, not according to the arbitrary plans you set for yourself, but rather, to go with the flow that your relationship dictates. See, if you’re in love with this man, and you’re planning a future, guess what? It’s also HIS future. Which is why YOUR desire to have a ring and kids in 2 years is semi-irrelevant. Is he in the position to provide for you and those kids? If not, it sounds to me like he’s taking a smart, methodical route to becoming the man you’d want him to be.
So throw out your timetable, your ticking clock, and your plans, and go back to supporting your loving boyfriend. After all, that’s exactly what he’s trying to do for you.
And if you’re another reader who doesn’t think your boyfriend is as solid as Adele’s boyfriend, please check out these three articles that may illuminate your current situation: