Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can’t Find Boyfriends

Pity the Pretty: An Ode to Attractive Women Who Can't Find BoyfriendsDear Evan,

I am 25 years old and have never been in a serious relationship.  I am a very attractive girl and I tend to meet guys easily and go on dates mostly every weekend. My problem is that it never leads to anything more than that. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but the date will go really well and things tend to either move really slow, I won’t hear from them after our date for a week or so, or not at all.  My friends all have boyfriends, and I’m really looking to settle down.  Can you help me?  By the way, it never gets farther than kissing with me.  I realize that if they don’t stick around because I won’t have sex with them, then at least I know. It just seems that’s all they are looking for. It seems that attractive girls only get guys that want to sleep with them.

Why can’t I meet a guy who sees me as more?


Dear Ashley,

Today, I’m going to take a controversial stance. I’m going heap some sympathy on the pretty girl.

Does the pretty girl have the same issues as the fat girl? No. The pretty girl never lacks for attention. Heads turn when she walks into the room. Men leap to attention and whisper to each other before approaching. Yes, the pretty girl has more dates than she needs and probably has a waiting list a mile long. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

By being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal.”

Well, if you’re a pretty girl or you know a pretty girl, you know exactly what’s wrong.

You’re an object to men.

You never know why someone likes you.

You can be intimidating without trying.

You can come across as aloof even if you’re just shy.

You’re instantly hated by a lot of other women.

You’re assumed to be dumb by many men.

You may be insecure, but people have trouble believing it.

You’re given things by men for no reason (Free dinners! Vacations! No speeding tickets!), which creates an odd power dynamic.

You’re catered to so frequently that you may lack some kindness, empathy or social grace. When you’re constantly put on a pedestal, it’s hard to be in sync with “normal” people. This is the same thing that afflicts celebrities, by the way. Except they get to claim “diva” status. You’re just known as a bitch.

That last one is just my observation about beautiful people and doesn’t necessarily apply to you. But the point is, by being singled out for being attractive, you’re never, ever considered “normal”…

As a result, you become a lifelong target—a trophy for men to bag. And make no mistake about it, most men want to bag you. For anyone to deny this is patently foolish. I’m as sensitive a guy as you’re going to find in terms of how I communicate with women, but I can still remember the rush of dating a Perfect 10. It was as if her magical glow rubbed off on me in some way when she walked into a room. And if I can be seduced by physical attraction, and the glory that comes with landing such a specimen, I would have to assume that 95% of the red-blooded, conscience-free men would feel the same way.

Put it this way—when I was single, if I had a chance to sleep with…I don’t know…who is the most distasteful female celebrity? Paris Hilton, maybe? Yeah, I’d do it. Just to be able to say I did. I wouldn’t want to have to make pillow talk, or cook her breakfast, or call her the following day. I just want to have the meaningless experience and cheap thrill that comes along with sex with a celebrity.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

To me, that’s the perfect metaphor—very attractive women ARE celebrities. They get lavished with attention and praise. They get perks just for being pretty. Their mere presence makes people excited, nervous, fearful, giddy. And while it might seem like a great ride being a celebrity, tell that to poor Britney. Or Mariah. Or any of the people who crumble from the pressure and attention foisted upon them.

Men are to pretty girls what paparazzi are to celebrities. Their constant validation makes them feel important. Their ulterior motives make them feel used and disposable.

I know I’ve gone on a bit of a tangent here, Ashley, because it’s very rare that we hear that the root of someone’s problems stems from being too attractive, but I believe that is the case.

Some of the most attractive women I know in Los Angeles—tall blondes with thin waists and big boobs—are 40 and single, because nice guys don’t approach them and slimy guys are always on the make.

What’s really difficult for pretty girls is trying to assess when a guy IS sincere. I mean, it’s tough enough for an average woman to tell when a guy is interested in a relationship or sex. Imagine what it’s like when you’re objectified wherever you go. You start to mistrust everybody. You make nice guys pay for the sins of bad guys. And you think that if you insist on not doing any more than kissing that you’re weeding out the “wrong” guys. You may also be weeding out some decent guys. Although it’s unpopular to say, sex is rightfully important to men. A reasonable man with looks and money and life experience might very well say to himself, after five dates with nothing more than a kiss, “Screw this. I’m going to find a woman who matches my passion, who makes me feel attractive and sexy, who is excited about me.”

It’s not that you’re wrong for attempting to protect yourself, Ashley. It’s that your layers of protection may be having an unintended side effect—putting off otherwise well-meaning men who don’t want to feel like they’re in seventh grade all over again.

So how do you decide if a man is interested in you or interested in sex? Well, there’s this previous blog post that discusses this phenomenon. And I’m delighted to report that I actually have a five minute VIDEO that takes on the same topic. Enjoy.

Despite your very accurate concerns that men want to sleep with the pretty girl, pretty girls get married ALL THE TIME. You want to know how? They let down their guard, they take a chance, and they TRUST. That would be my advice to you as well.

Good luck.

Are you also an attractive woman who can never tell if a man is interested in you as a trophy or as a human being? If so, I understand your predicament and can help you in your quest for true love.

Click below to learn more about what it’s like to have a male dating coach who can help you find the quality men in a sea of shallow and disappointing ones.



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  1. 181

    Joe – i just didnt think he liked me. i thought he was just being friendly because he was friendly in general. i didnt think it was especially for me. he’s WAY too good for me. i could never get someone wonderful like him

  2. 182

    You have very limited evidence to say that he’s wonderful. I expect he liked you as much as you can like a stranger.
    He could be gay, married, engaged, living with someone, just broken up, not looking for a relationship, about to go abroad for six months.  As Joe said, make a move or don’t, esp if you believe that men know to ask women out.  Just don’t build this insignificant encounter into something huge, as if it says anything much, or at all, about your value.  
    By the way, I pass a gazillion well dressed, sporty, educated, professional men in the street every day on the way to work. If you are as young as you sound, I mean that kindly, you will meet someone nice enough, when you are ready. Don’t wait TOO long to be ready though!

  3. 183

    Giving a guy your phone number or business card isn’t asking him out.  It’s giving him the opportunity to ask you out.  If you give him the opportunity and he fails to follow through, then you know he wouldn’t have said “yes” to you asking him out, but it’s not as hard a rejection as it would’ve been if you had.

  4. 184

    marymary: you are exactly right. i should not put any more importance on this young man. what am i thinking??? when did i start telling myself that i could have this man?? when did i start letting myself start thinking i could be successful in this??? why am i making something meaningless into something huge, when it’s not anything at all? he was just being friendly and here i am thinking about this person like he’s my hero. WHAT AM I THINKING. seriously. i have lost my mind. what is wrong with me. i know deep down that i couldnt have ever even have his as a FRIEND, let alone anything more. what a disgusting fool i am. im so disgusting and stupid. look at me. im like a lot of women who have commented in this post. im supposedly so beautiful, according to family, friends and strangers who see me anywhere i go, yet i can never attract someone thats even as smart as me, let alone as attractive. i just get street trash. and i mean, all i get is druggies, losers still living at home (even at 36 yrs old), foreign men looking for citizenship (been there done that, never again), and even gang members. so what am i thinking, that i could have anyone better than scum?? what if I’M just scum?? what if i am?? since thats all i can get???? im so disgusted with myself. so disgusting. i will never succeed in this. it would be in my best interest to stick to my new and permanent rule: no more. no more dating, no more men, no more “love” (whatever THAT is), im done with having to be a whore, im done with hoping in my heart “i hope he’s half as ‘different’ as he claims he is”, im done with all hope. come to think of it, there was a woman who said she talked to god about me one time, and she said that god said “miranda is terribly disillusioned and her hope is shattered”. and let me say, whether she really talks to god or not, that is totally accurate….. well except for being disillusioned. screw that, i know what has happened in my life and i know why: im worthless and only get worthless people in my life because thats all i deserve. THAT’S not a friggin illusion. it looks like friggin reality to me, and it sure FEELS like it. but the part she said about my hope being “shattered” that is definitely true. and its too bad now isnt it because im not turning back. i dont have the courage. or maybe i do. but after realizing what my pattern is gonna be in my “love” life, i’ve realized i stay out of trouble if i just stop hoping, because i just bring misery into my life when i get hopeful about men. every single time. im turned into a whore and im turned into trash and my soul cant bear that anymore. so why should i obsess over this young man when this encounter with him means absolutely nothing. what a fool i am. what a worthless person i am. 
    joe: you’re right about that. and he wouldnt have ever contacted me again anyway. i am a fool to think he would ever think twice about me. im a stupid  idiot.

    1. 184.1

      miranda, I don’t know if you will ever see this, but this is the story of my life. Like other ladies posting in this thread, I, too am very attractive. I have a slender build, C-cups, small hips, long legs, blond hair and green eyes. I am also educated and very smart. I am older than you by about 11 years, and I can understamd every word of your pain. I know exactly how hopeless and frustrated you feel, and I feel the same way as you, only I have felt it for longer.

      I have spent most of my life wondering why the men I liked did not like me, and why they always ended up with overweight women, or much less attractive women. The truth is, despite what some ideologues have to say, is men are not looking for a really hot wife or girlfriend. Some men are, but most men are looking at women within a range of attractiveness. If a girl is too unattractive, he won’t date her, but if she is too pretty, he will not want her, either.

      I kbow how you feel. I have had so many crushes on guys that never went anywhere. I recently fell in love with a guy who was flirting and acted interested, only to find out later he dated a much less attractive woman for a hot minute. I stalked her and found out she had been arrested for assault. Really. And he haf chosen her over me. I dont know if he knew that, but it just goes to show.

      I know how it feels to look at or see a beautiful guy and know he would never go out with you. You just know a kind, nice-looking man will never want you. It is especially hard if you are shy and afraid to approach men.

      But do you know what I did for myself this past summer? I went to Russia. Hear me out. The women there are beautiful, but here’s the thing –it is not such huge deal there. If you are a 7-10 here, you will still be attractive there. The men are gorgeous, too, and very gentlemanly. I was approached by a really nice-looking boy, and we are still in touch. Seriously, if you want to go to a place where you won’t be looked down upon or treated like a freak because you happen to be a thin, attractive woman, go to Eastern Europe for a week to detox from out sh**ty culture that prizes obesity and blue hair as virtues. They actually appreciate attractive women, and maybe you won’t stand out so much there.

      I also have very few female friends and have been treated badly by female bosses due to my looks. I am most comfortable around men in general, especially gay men.

      I am trying to smile more and be more approachable, but I also love good-looking men. I am just not attracted to Seth Rogen types. I hope this helps.

      1. 184.1.1

        Omg i need to go to russia!! Im in the same boat as you….too good looking. Most people think that is conceited but it can be a curse

        1. hunter

          A.S. most women know the solution, they just like to talk about it.

  5. 185

    Miranda: please consider seeking professional help.

  6. 186

    Miranda,  I think you are very depressed.  If you haven’t any friends then you should talk to a priest.  God loves you for what you do right.  Your mistakes don’t matter.

  7. 187

    sorry hun a therapist cant suddenly change me from worthless into NOT-worthless. i’ll always be worthless trash. isnt that all i’ve been so far?? how does that ever change??? why SHOULD it change????? 
    im not a christian. a priest cant be my man and cant help me get one, and i would never ask him about such stupid trivial things. my so-called “love” life cannot be solved at a church.  god does NOT love me. i WILL NEVER DESERVE LOVE BECAUSE IF I DID, WOULDNT I HAVE SOME SO-CALLED “LOVE” BY THE AGE OF 26????

  8. 188

    Miranda, you’re missing the point entirely.

  9. 189

    The priest doesn’t have to be a Christian one.  A Rabbi, a practising Brahmin, an Iman.  A priest will listen to your particular problems as an individual.  A psychiatrist will try to slot you into a category and medicalize your life.  In between, there are therapists. At a minimum try some exercise.
    You are 26.  At 26 I hadn’t met an unattached woman for 5 years.  Hardly any young women at all in fact.  (I’m an engineer and I was working in a small town where the clever girls left for University or nursing school at 18 and the others were married at 17).  It was very lonely but it ended – I moved.  Obviously, for a woman, getting married is a more urgent problem than for a man but you are not really past your peak at 26.  Even if you are not a Christian, you may find better luck at finding a decent man in whatever place of religion is traditionally in your culture than wherever you go looking now.

  10. 190
    Sparkling Emerald

    Miranda – I just bought a book called “Calling in the One”.  It really compliments Evans advice very well, because it doesn’t focus on the actions to take to successfully date, but focuses on building the right mind set, to allow love to come into your life.  If you think you are garbage, you will only accept garbage.  (Google Evan’s video about ACCEPTING vs ATTRACTING creeps)  We ALL attract bad men to us, but if you refuse to accept them, they have no power over you, and there will be room in your life for someone really wonderful.  But you have to remove the road blocks to love first, and thinking that you DON’T deserve love is definitely a stumbling block for you.  Since you seem to be closed to the idea of a therapist or clergy person or counselor, please consider some self help.  Of course the self help books won’t help much unless you actually DO the exercises in them. 

  11. 191

    Miranda 189
    No, a therapist can’t turn you from worthless into not-worthless. But a therapist can help you to see what an absolute lie it is that you are worthless.
    Sorry but it is just blatantly untrue. And if you look at the FACTS about yourself, rather than the stories you are telling yourself, and rather than looking at yourself through the cracked lenses you have now, you would see your worth.  It is not determined by the guys you have had in your life – all that means is that you have let them into your life where another girl would have shown them the door. That is ALL it means. It is NO reflection on your worth.
    I really do hope you can get the help you need to see the truth about yourself.

  12. 192

    I don’t see what being tall and blonde has to do with being attractive or beautiful. Maybe it’s because I am from Europe, but I just do not understand the obsession with a certain haircolour or height.
    I pretty woman as a pretty woman. A gorgeous face is a gorgeous face. Being a certain height or having a certain haircolour isn’t going to change that.
    Cheryl Cole and Halle Berry aren’t blondes with big tits, yet far more beautiful.

    1. 192.1

      Amen. Brunettes are hot as hell. And petite is also hot

  13. 193

    Bitch? …. Wow. How about she’s just choosing men that are not worthy of her? Never allow anyone to love you less then you love yourself.  There are plenty of mediocre things in this life do not let love be one of them ever. So start there. Have incredible love and resoect for yourself and don’t worry about what others think. You will attract what you put out there. Work on you and keep being BEAUTIFUL !

  14. 194

    This might sound “weird” or, compared with other comments, just like every other woman out there, but I am also an attractive woman named Ashley and I completely relate to this article…I can’t discuss this topic with my friends because they think I’m full of it, but I hate that being attractive is what sparks intrigue in men around me, yet leads them to treat me like an object. It seems that within minutes I become a conquest rather than a living breathing human being. I don’t have unrealistic expectations of men or myself, in fact I feel that I’m very well grounded. However, there has to be a man out there who can simultaneously love sex, and “the hunt”, but also knows when a woman is different, interesting, and worth more than simply bedding her for the night. I’m in college, I’m intelligent, I have successful relationships with others and I’m confident but in the past 2 years I have found myself becoming insecure in the romance department. I’m a romantic, and sensitive but I’m not over emotional. As I mentioned previously, I’m grounded. I guess that I’m very discouraged because I know that I’m a respectable and valuable person yet no man that I’ve met in 2 years seems to see depth…I’m not a failure and I don’t feel like giving up, therefore I guess I’m simply looking for a sign that my hope for the future is warranted.

  15. 195

    SMH…I didn’t get through all of the comments, but most of them pegged something wrong with the original poster for doing things like referring to herself as “I” in her posts. LMBO!!!  Are you freaking serious?  I am speaking out as a “beautiful woman” who isn’t a perfect 10, but being a 8.5 in reality with no make up blah blah blah, I’ve had very similar experiences as the original poster.  I’ve let my guard down and it STILL intimidates men, because I have other great attributes that men say they want and I’m not saying they DON’T want them, but men tend to be scared off by what’s good whether it’s true or not.  I’ve found that an unemployed woman with my level of looks with a mess of a life is more of the “wifey” type than I am.  Men are afraid of being replaced or deemed no longer necessary.  When you’re good enough to make them turn their heads easily, but not undesireable enough to make them think that they you really need them (even if you’re beautiful…you must have an attractive level of insecurities or skeletons you’re willing to reveal to make a man more likely to want to stick with you).  I’m finally catching on after over 10 years of dating failures and only being valuable to guys who wanted the trophy and not the human woman.  Men who are entirely human want a woman that is entirely human.  She doesn’t really need to be insane, but genuine and not so perfect.  That doesn’t mean that you don’t behave with dignity, but you must be willing to have a little mud on the face in order to make the good guys feel comfortable with being able to be themselves without feeling foolish.
    I’ve finally met a sweet guy and I’m going to once again let my guard down.  That doesn’t mean that I need to have sex with him right away, but I will let him see just how interesting I think he is without over doing the compliments or contact.  Yes, he’s complimenting me on my looks quite frequently now…almost every two days, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t be able to see past the outer beauty to get to know the real me.  I have to let him see it though.

  16. 196

    I agree with comment 176 that beautiful women aren’t perfect, BUT they are picked apart constantly.  The sad part is that it’s by both men and other women.  People feel much better when they know what’s wrong with you rather than treating you according to what’s right with you.  I have had so many people ex-bosses, dates, etc pick me apart and are quick to discover what’s wrong before they even consider touting what’s right.  It’s only when I don’t buckle and fold, treating them with respect and dignity while sticking up for myself that I gain respect.  I’ve had to reject men who I thought would be great lifelong mates after they mistreated/ignored me in order to gain the respect I already deserve as a human being.  Then you have all of these articles telling you not to play games, to be your genuine self, blah blah blah.  I truly believe that the advice only works if you’re considered average or less than average in most people’s eyes.  Another thing…being even remotely cute and a GREAT dresser is another attribute that is frowned upon these days if you’re single.  Since when did having great taste in style and clothes mean that you were shallow and not partnership worthy???  I’m seeing so much of that in these blogs that it’s jaw dropping.  Now it’s against dating conventions to be stylish if you’re already good looking? Lol  You’ve GOT to be kidding me.  So if I dress average and minimize the style I’ll attract a guy and instead of dressing down after I know he loves me for me….only then will I be able to dress up?  Yep, you got it. lol  So sad, but true.  We are so hyper sensitive to success and anything being above average that it’s sickening.  I was recently chastized by a guy friend, and he honestly didn’t mean any harm for making more money than I already have, because on my regular job I already make more money than I absolutely need.  OMG…now it’s a crime to have more money than you absolutely necessarily need? LMBO!!!  Yep…it’s so true.  If you’re looking better, dressing better, living better than 4 out of 5 or even 7 out of 10 of your peers…you’re looked down on.  Weird and stupid.  More stupid than weird.  While I really really really want to share love and grow in love with a man who would appreciate me and allow me to appreciate him, I’ve honestly adjusted my goal to ultimately enjoying life as an indicator of what it means for me to be fulfilled.  It doesn’t mean that I’m closed off to making time for a guy and seeking love…but it does mean that I’m not so invested in seeking a romantic relationship that the failed attempts make me bitter.
    To add shock value, this is coming from a dark skinned black woman that is 5ft 10in and a size 18.  Lots of curves…lots, but I guess that’s considered beautiful in today’s time.  Now a days all you have to do is have a smaller waist than hip ratio, great skin, a beautiful smile, great bone structure, decent style, and good hygeine…all of the sudden…you’re beautiful.  LMBO!!!!  Cry me a frickin river.  Who in the world is developing these standards and what true value do they hold anyways?
    I personally think beauty comes from the INSIDE…nothing to me on the outside makes a person beautiful without them being a decent/forgiving human being with a moderate to high level of empathy….nothing in the world beats that.

  17. 197

     Karl….from your posting many posts ago…so based on your theory of me not finding a male, it seems ot be due to the fact that I possess sophomoric grammar abilities while posting replies on forusm…OH yes…that’s it…DUH ME!!! Well first off…your theory really has no basis. I don’t communicate with men through forums, and the minute communication we do have is through email or PM’s, which in no way indicate intellect, grammar ability and so forth. Secondly, there are plenty of people with hideously bad grammar, who can manage to meet men/women. In fact, there are illiterate people who marry and date too. To sit there and attempt to find one minor irrevelant flaw in someone’s posting to a blog is absurd.  Oh and I have an iq of 140 and was valedictorian of my high school and spelling? laugh…I made it to the nationals scripps howard at 10 and until I was 14. I was a spelling genius… so your  assumptions of my intellect based on my ‘rushed commenting’ is once again…well ignorant. Secondly…  there are plenty of utterly dumb people who manage to get boyfriends, girlfriends. It doesn’t take spelling grammar or even intellect to date and meet people. it doesn’t take social skills..it doesn’t take looks..what does it take? luck, circumstance, opportunity and nothing else. Me? Im a genius… analytical genius and overall highly intelligent. In fact I am of above average intellect. But, im down to earth fun loving and really laid back because im not a doctor or possess a PHD or have anything about me that causes me to possess a real ego.  Now, the reason we beautiful women are treated like we’re ‘dumb’ is because this is the method lesser attractive people use to put us down in order to make themselves feel better, less inferior etc. ugly jealous people say that beautiful women are stupid because there is no other way they can put us down or bring us down period. This is the sad reality of that pathetic stereotype. What makes a pretty woman less intelligent than an ugly woman? Looks play some part in intellect? On the contrary to be honest…better looking women can be more intelligent than uglier women.  For being beautiful, we are judged HARSHLY treated as objects, objectified put down insulted belittled..why? the one word….that would be JEALOUSY.  You see, lesser attractive people or even others are intimidated, jealous bitter about the fact that beautiful women possess something that enables them to have so much power ability and status above others and others MUST belittle them in order to take that away and also to feel less inferior to them.  The way people treat me is as if im an object….not a human a total OBJECT. People force me to repeat myself multiple times are very abusive towards me, rude, mean and even CRUEL.  Oh yes..they will not even let me SPEAK without asking me to repeat myself over and over again, in a degrading manner… like a puppet. Why? Because I look like vivien leigh, Marilyn Monroe or just very beautiful elegant classy and they can’t handle it. Oh no….they can’t handle how I look..they don’t know WHAT to do with it??? How to react…how to deal with it. So they throw you in a box, call you ‘sweetie, honey’ and treat you as if you don’t exist, matter. They simply just IGNORE belittle degrade you. They treat you as if you are nothing, or if you are something, you are someone they WILL control and someone who they will make sure has no voice. Suppose you see someone who is so beautiful…so “wow”…and you’re like “crap…I wish they didn’t exist…they make me feel like sh*t inside.” So how do people deal with the person that makes them feel this way….well they outcast it, ignore it shun it…mistreat it…pretend it doesn’t exist or just degrade it and put that person down on such a level that their beauty is ignored degraded etc….its a very sick sad reality but this is what the average PERSON does to a beautiful person. The average person is usually ugly, fat, weird,  so in essence the beautiful people are being bullied by the average common ‘ugly fat person’ these days.
    I do have a dislike for ‘ugly,fat’ people and that’s based on THEIR abuse and mistreatment towards me. I’m a kind person and really I like anyone and everyone…im nice to and accept everyone. unfortunately…it doesn’t work both ways and the sad irony is that I accept everyone yet NO ONE accepts me. it takes a needle in a haystack for someone to accept or like me. I go through people being hated mistreated disliked by EVERYONE, male or female. people have major issues with me, companies go through changes because of me, people gossip, talk do strange bizarre things because of me. Everything I do revolves around some kind of hellish experience or mistreatment or something. and ugly/fat people are the ones that really dislike me the most. THey are the ones that pick on me or bully me…for some odd reason they feel ENTITLED to picking on me..whereas you’d think I should pick on them…they’re fat/ugly weird…no..they feel as if they’re better than me and mistreat me. they seem to find it funny to pick on me…its very strange..why the population is full of these kind of people who find it humorous to mistreat a pretty girl. I find myself being the ‘pretty sweet girl being picked on” all the time. im also not arrogant stuck up..well so far from it. im so laid back … I don’t dress up..wear make up flaunt anything. im just laid back normal…but it doesn’t matter..i possess beauty therefore these people will find ways of doing anything to bring me down pick on me etc.. this is the reality of what its like to be a beautiful woman….

  18. 198

    Uncertain of what the specialty and expertise are from most who write certain philosophies in here (i.e. human behaviour, human relations, psychology, etc.), it’s evident that there are still many who are closed minded and tunneled vision, unless they experience the said situation themselves.
    I’ve had my share of Ashley’s situation; I am now 50 and I still experience it. I’ve done well in my life and was married for many years. As soon as I was single, suddenly, some (married) men in my social circle felt it was now ok to come on to me and expect having an affair with me.
    When I started dating again, I was once to dinner with this man and, yes, I mostly pay for myself and sometimes even pay for both. This fellow absolutely insisted on paying so I gave in. He walked me to my car, we chatted for a bit and I thanked him for the lovely evening. He was clearly VERY upset because I didn’t kiss him. So, to whomever stated that this last rendition of the evening is suppose to be “a payoff” of some type to the guy, we most certainly share different values. I never have and never will kiss a guy because I feel that I need to (because he paid for dinner or what have you). What type of self-respect would that demonstrate? He left and was upset and that was his trip, not mine. 
    I once told a girlfriend that I had gained 5 lbs; her reply was: you probably needed it. Why is it ok to say that to a slim woman but not ok to say to a larger size woman if she loses 5 lbs “you probably needed”? Why is it accepted through society that an attractive larger woman is ok to wear fitted clothes, but if a slimmer, attractive woman wears fitted clothes, she’s just using her looks to get what she wants? Slight double standard there I’m thinking. Is this parallel to: if a slim, attractive woman gets raped, she was probably looking for it?
    I have gone through what some of the ladies here described for most of my life. And, yes, younger men hit on me all the time. Sure it’s flattering but it gets old. Wisdom comes with life experience; so that stuff gets old after a while and it’s not fun as it’s clearly empty. I have had women not talking to me because of my looks. I’ve worked in public relations all my life; I’m very social and have no trouble meeting people. Nobody has a perfect personality and I have my share of flaws. But, I am a very warm person by nature, I have no problem talking about any topics, I am caring and considerate of people’s feelings.
    I’ve experienced meeting girls when I was younger and developing friendships with them and they would later confide in me that before they got to know me, they thought I was a snob; hence why they never spoke to me before. I am the least snobbish person you will ever meet and have no snobbish personalities in my circle of friends. And, yes, I’ve had men who have admitted to me that they felt intimidated, and let me tell you how that made me feel. I felt hurt, sad and lost because it’s the last thing that I feel comes from my personality. I am not a condescending individual by any means. I felt lost because I didn’t really know what I had done to cause that feeling towards that other person.
    While in university, I once had a guy in one of my classes who one day, out of the blue, completely blew up at me in front of everyone, saying very insulting things to me including being a snob since I had “not given him the time of day once while being in the same class”. I didn’t even know the guy. You can’t be friends with everyone in your class and ensure you speak to everyone due to the risk of being declared a snob. What logic is included in that mentality?
    I’ve always had good friends but, yes, most of them are men. They are true friends and the girlfriends I have are also genuine.
    I have dealt with the so called “cat calls”, being offered rides while taking a walk, being approached by 4-5 guys (as a group) trying to intimidate me sexually and all of those things. It’s not fun, it’s sometimes very scary and to say the least, saddening.
    I could list a pile of other things that I’ve experienced in my life due to society judging people based on their looks. I feel comfortable with my looks and with my personality. Since having been single again, the dating seen is not easy as most men I run into are indeed mostly seeking to have sex with me. I even had a close male friend who told me that he couldn’t hang out with me anymore because he was afraid to make a pass at me and I’d get upset. What kind of a joke is that. So, we are no longer friends.
    So, people, please try to be a little more open minded when people go through certain life experiences. Because it hasn’t happened to you, it doesn’t mean that it’s not real.
    Ashley, hang on to your personality and self respect. Good for you for not doing what these guys feel “you’re suppose to do” and keep doing what you feel is right for you. Sustain your good morals and values and the right man will come along. I agree with the person who suggested different venues, although Ashley hasn’t indicated where she met the guys. But, social activities, volunteering, different hobbies, etc., will get you to meet great people. There are many of them in this world. And if a romantic relationship  doesn’t come out of it, you could still gain a great friendship from different people and different walks of life. Keep your chin up ! 🙂

  19. 199

    Thank you Evan…I would like to let down my guard and trust, but that could turn into one hell of a lot of sex with men who don’t love me and the hurt and self-loathing that go with that for me. I even married a trophy hunter ……there’s got to be more to finding the right man than just letting down one’s guard. I suspect it is about taking no BS, however as a very loving and non-judgemental person I make allowances for people.
    Sadly I have found it is a double edged sword. If I stand my ground at any sign of BS, I get called a bitch and left, if I don’t I just get used and ‘f-ed over’ once again.

  20. 200

    I am also a very attractive woman and have had men flirt with me very openly in front of their WIVES.  For years, I thought it was wrong to have a lovely figure and a pretty face and almost went into hiding!
    Maybe the OP should thank her lucky stars.  If she just got the one date, maybe the guy was just there for the sex anyway. 

  21. 201

    Skinny women aren’t the only pretty women on this planet!
    Also overweight women like myself go through the SAME issues. We don’t know if  men are sincere AND a lot of men out there seem to just want sex. It makes no difference if you’re skinny(or fat) all women usually have to go through the same kind of experiences regarding men.
    An outgoing very confident overweight woman can also intimidate men, I’ve done my fair share of that.
    I didn’t read all the comments but from a quick glance it didn’t seem like anyone chimed in on the fact that ALL women go through this. It doesn’t matter what their weight is or how drop dead gorgeous they may appear on the outside.

  22. 202

    Hi Lisha
    I hear what you are saying but trust me, it is different. Recently I became available again and expressed to my sister, who has known me all her life, that I was concerned that 5 men were aggressively chasing me. She understood my concern because in my youth it was the same – they all flocked, then they all disappeared. This was possibly because I didn’t know who to pick, didn’t have time to date them all, had already been burned and didn’t trust them, etc.

    There have also been times in my life when, a little overweight, shorter hair, illness etc., I had fewer choices. That was when I found long term boyfriends.

    You are probably a very lovely, sexy woman and don’t ‘know’ it, which is lovely, but I have friends who would give anything for a man to even just want to have sex with them, let alone consider them for anything more.

    1. 202.1

      “I have friends who would give anything for a man to even just want to have sex with them, let alone consider them for anything more.”


      Anything that doesn’t include paying a bill or asking a man out themselves, right?

    2. 202.2

      Really?…how interesting…a little overweight,  you found long term boyfriends?…hhhmmhh…….it takes all kinds in this world, some women, can’t handle the attention, others can and do, etc..


  23. 203

    Miranda – pick yourself up and start again.  You are a lovely woman aged 26 – that is nothing as an age – romance is out there.
    What makes you think you could never have anyone like the lovely guy in the supermarket, wasn’t it? You DID attract HIM, he noticed you and even had a conversation with you.  So why in God’s name would he not pursue you as well????? (He could have been ……..married/gay/going out to a party or something and forgot to get your number/out of town buying food for guests/not wanting a relationship
    Hunter 38 – ha! I’m small waisted, large breasts, short feminine hair, long legs, tall and sweet faced and I’m 60.  So where’s your logic? Do we disappear as attractive females because we’re 60??????? And no, for crying out loud, attractive women are just not bitches, arrogant, haughty and distant.  We are FEMALES looking for the right man for us.  (And getting just a little bit fed up with this baloney that beautiful women are not taken because they are beautiful – and self absorbed.  This is crap, and discriminating crap since I’m being rude about it.
    Kristina – single women are not only single because they choose to be, or because they’re doing something that makes them single.  This is just not true.  Single women who choose to be single, that could be true (or it’s a protection mechanism to avoid getting hurt again).
    I’d venture a guess – many married couples have extra marital affairs because their marriages are so boring.  If they had the guts to divorce, guess what? Some of us singles might be (unhappily???) married by now!

  24. 204

    Dadshouse 21 – there are golddiggers in both sexes.  I have known very handsome men (unfortunately married) who have been more than courteous, funny, gentlemanly, respectful and kind.
    So you see, beauty doesn’t just show a nasty mind. 
    Could it be that beauty on the outside reflects the beauty on the inside?
    At 20, it’s really easy to be beautiful because nature is on your side.  It ain’t quite so simple at 60 because nature ain’t!

  25. 205

    I don’t think physical beauty says anything at all about the person inside. I do understand it has power and impact though. It’s very strange.

  26. 206

    Hunter 58 – the reason why women don’t always dress to be noticed is because they do get harassed.  That’s why the sexual harassment act was brought in, to teach men that they don’t touch what doesn’t belong to them.  Some men STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN’S BODIES BELONG TO THE WOMAN FIRST and come on to you as if you were a mere trollop.
    It took me years to say, stuff what men think.   I’ll wear what I like (rather sober and professional at work) and have now learned that since I still have great legs, small waist and a lovely figure and hair, why the hell should I have to hide it because of some freaks who can’t keep their filthy hands off me.
    I have learned that a soft answer helps first and if they can’t hear it, how about fuck off? Does that do it????
    Maybe this comes over as an angry woman.  But don’t forget that in some societies, women have to cover their whole bodies.  Whether that is correct or not – I’m not convinced – but I jolly well understand why for both sexes.

  27. 207
    Sparkling Emerald

    [email protected] “I don’t think physical beauty says anything at all about the person inside. I do understand it has power and impact though. It’s very strange.
    Mary, I am in partial agreement with this.  Having a straight nose, high cheekbones, or cute little dimples doesn’t really reflect what is on the inside, but there ARE a alot of inside characteristics that DO affect outer looks.  A truly happy disposition does more for anyone’s looks than make up.  Depression often expresses itself, not only in a sad, tired looking face, but poor posture and poor grooming and hygiene.  Being a confident person affects how you carry yourself.  A person who was born with average to plain physical features can appear to be very physically attractive if they are a happy, confident person who takes pride in their appearance.   And not to sound shallow, but I do think to an extent you can get clues to a person’s personality by the way they dress. I have observed women who lack self confidence tend to dress in one of 2 ways, wearing baggy clothes that hide their figure, or the other extreme of cleavage popping necklines, booty grazing hemlines, very tight, very gaudy clothing.  Confident women tend to wear clothing appropriate for the situation, that compliments THEIR individual look and personality, that flatters their figure, but looks classy or sassy, but  not trashy.   (A woman can look very fine in khakis and a t-shirt, if they fit properly and she practices good grooming & hygiene)
    As far as weight goes, it is unfortunate that so many people ASSUME that anyone who meets their personal definition of overweight, is overweight due to lack of will power, laziness, etc.  I do believe that genetics plays a bigger role than many want to admit.  I am lucky to have been blessed with a genetic pre-disposition to not be over weight (although as I age, it does get harder)   I have to get my blood drawn at work and have my health analyzed to death or pay a financial penalty regarding my health insurance, and my health coach said that “my numbers” on a certain test indicated the BEST numbers for my body responding well to diet and exercise.  I must admit, that when I joined Weight Watchers over 5 years ago, I followed the program, and lost 1-3 pounds every week without fail.  But I don’t feel smug or superior, because I have friends who have worked MUCH harder at it than I, and struggle and struggle with their weight.  So my heart does go out to people who struggle with weight issues, because unfortunately, that is a “deal breaker” for many, and people who struggle with weight are often wrongly thought of as lazy and unworthy.
    I do wish that physical appearance didn’t factor into attraction.  I have met guys who were great guys, no obvious grooming or confidence lacking traits, etc.  but they would just have a face I couldn’t love.  Not necessarily ugly faces, sometimes really not bad, but just not my type face.  Sometimes I couldn’t even put my finger on what I was not attracted to about their face.  (sometimes I can)  The other side of the physical attraction is, I used to be a SUCKER for good looking guys.  I would put up with their crap, and I KNEW it was only because of their good looks.  This time around, I do NOT accept bad treatment from anyone, even if they look like George Clooney.  However, I still can not “learn to love” someone with whom I am not the least bit physically attracted to.  I really wish I could.  I have turned down some great guys because of it.  (and stayed to long with jerks because of it)

  28. 208

    ….good for you!!…wear what you want to wear, say what you want to say….

  29. 209

    Marymary 207 – thank you for your comment.
    I believe that physical beauty in the sense of a sparkle in the eye, well cared for skin and body etc. does show a certain self esteem and self-respect and dignity.
    What I have learned over the years is that “ugly” people or “attractive” people can keep you or lose you because of the way they treat you, and the way they behave towards the community as a whole.  That is inner beauty.  (Or not!)
    Sparkling Emerald – thank you for your post which I enjoyed.  Self-confidence or lack of it can also be seen in women who are beautifully dressed.
    And in men too. 
    And I agree – I won’t accept bad treatment from men either.  Whether it’s to me personally or to children/animals/waiters/employees etc.  It’s a huge sign of their rottenness inside.  (Or maybe just a bad hair day???)

  30. 210

    Hunter 210 – thank you. 

    1. 210.1
      Me too

      Sorry but he was being sarcastic 😃

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