The Biggest Lie Ever Perpetrated by Parents, Couples and Self-Help Gurus

Over the past few weeks, I’ve read your comments.

I know how men have disappointed you.

I know you’re wary of taking a chance and opening your heart again.

I know you’re looking for a shortcut that will immediately let you know if a guy is a player, slacker, jerk, or alcoholic.

With such men…

You will constantly cry.

You will constantly fight.

You will constantly be disappointed.

You will constantly question yourself.

You will constantly agonize about where things are going.

You will constantly obsess how you can love someone so much and be so unhappy.

But it does beg the question, doesn’t it?

If you are not consistently happy, why are you in the relationship at all?

It’s a tough question – and you may not have a ready answer for it.

Your first reaction may be to protest, but I’m going to challenge you to consider that I’m telling you a cold hard truth that is hard to accept:

You’ve hung onto the wrong men for your entire adult life.

In fact, that tenacity is a quality you took pride in – being able to push through, hold on tight and try to work things out with your partner.

If you are not consistently happy, why are you in the relationship at all?

Yet no relationship you’ve ever worked hard at has EVER lasted. Has it?

Which brings me to one of the biggest epiphanies I had about relationships.

This is what has allowed me to be a happily married man, and what has helped me facilitate thousands of other happy relationships as well.

What I’m about to tell you is the #1 thing you need to know to choose a husband.

The best way to know if a guy is right for you is the absence of anxiety.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Consider the times in your life when you’ve been happiest.

Were you up in the middle of the night thinking?

Were you distracted at work?

Were you constantly torn between staying and breaking up?

Of course not.

Yet that’s what you’ve been like when your relationships stopped making you happy, and you thought that was normal.

You thought that was love.

Uh uh.

Thus, you’ve bought into the biggest lie ever perpetrated by parents, couples counselors, clergy members, and self-help gurus:

“Relationships take work!”

Based on your life experience, I’m sure you’d feel the same way.

Every relationship you’ve ever had was not only work, but it was TOO much work.

    Frustration that boiled over when he didn’t listen to your needs.
    Anger at yet another conversation that turned into a screaming match.
    Anxiety of wondering where the relationship was going.
    Confusion of wondering how this man you loved could be so insensitive to your feelings.
    Resignation that the man you knew during those first few months was never going to live up to his potential.

Yep, that describes most relationships. But does it have to?

All relationships take some effort, but when that effort starts to feel like actual work, your relationship is not serving its purpose.

When I look at my happy marriage and the happy marriages of my clients, those relationships all have one overriding quality:

They’re EASY.

If that sounds hard to believe, that’s because you’ve never chosen an easy relationship before.

For you, love has always meant arguments, insults and insecurity.

Or maybe you’re used to placid men where you never fought, but you were bored, uninspired, and constantly second guessing why you were there.

Your struggles don’t say anything about love itself.

They only something about the men you’ve chosen.

So please, consider this simple and priceless pearl of wisdom.

A good relationship is easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not that good.

Your entire life, you’ve tried to fit a square peg in a round hole.

For years, you’ve fallen for men and tried to justify why they were a long-term fit, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

You cried and fought, and broke up and made-up, and vented to your friends and family, all because you thought that this was NORMAL.

All because “relationships take work.”

Sorry, my friend They don’t take that much work.

Let me put it another way:

If you tried on a pair of shoes and they didn’t fit, would you keep trying them on for TWO STRAIGHT YEARS?

No way.

You might think it’s too bad the shoes didn’t fit you.

You might admire how gorgeous the shoes looked.

But I can guarantee you wouldn’t continually force your feet inside them.

This is what you’ve been doing with men forever.

This is what you’re going to do differently – starting right now.

You wasted years on the wrong men and never paid attention to the right men.

Instead of standing around, hoping to win the love lottery, you can create the relationship of a lifetime just by taking a series of smart and achievable actions.

But that begs the question: WHERE ARE the right men?

That’s what you want to know.

In your mind, if I could tell you the one place to meet these theoretically great guys, you’d handle the rest.

This is the opportunity I am offering to you today.

Instead of standing around, hoping to win the love lottery, you can create the relationship of a lifetime just by taking a series of smart and achievable actions.

You’ve been waiting for luck, timing, and fate to intervene.

But that’s not the way love usually works.

Your success rests in YOUR hands.

That may seem exciting. That may seem scary.

But from this moment forward, you will have the ability to determine your own fate.

  • You will be able to effortlessly let go of the pain and negativity in your past.
  • You will carry yourself with unshakable confidence in all dating situations.
  • You will attract quality men and make them invest in you before meeting.
  • You will be an incredible first date who always gets a second date.
  • You will enjoy dating, knowing that you’re in control of the entire process.
  • You will easily handle sexual situations, maintain healthy boundaries, and make your man want to come back for more.
  • You will never worry about breaking up with a guy out of fear that you can’t do better.
  • You will understand what he’s thinking and why he does what he does.
  • You will be able to tell men how to please you and get what you want from your relationship.
  • You will learn the difference between chemistry and compatibility and use that information to choose a healthy, long-term partner.
  • You will act with confidence and trust and inspire your man to do the same.

And most importantly:

  • You will have the fun, passionate, lasting love you’ve always dreamed about.

Since 2003, I have helped women like you create better relationships.

I am one of the first dating coaches and one of the better known ones for one primary reason: my clients get results.

If you read my emails regularly, you know: every one ends with a testimonial from a happy client who broke her bad man habit and found a better one.

I’ve been sending out these emails every week since the inception of my business.

So it’s never been a question of whether coaching works.

The only question is what’s the best way to do it?

Well, in 2015, I finally figured it out.

I’ve created a way to walk you through everything I know.

I’ve developed a foolproof process to answer all of your questions.

I’ve taken my best material – collated from 1000 blog posts, 300 newsletters, 4 books, and hundreds of hours of coaching calls – and put it all into one curriculum.

It’s called Love U – and today, I’m announcing that, for the first time since December, enrollment is now open.

This program is only for women like you who are done wasting time on the wrong men and are serious about finding love fast.

Soon you’ll understand everything there is to know about the opposite sex, so that you can have the relationship you deserve!

This limited-time opportunity to learn everything I know is only available until Sunday, June 12th, so click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes and much love,

Your friend,

Evan

P.S. So far 750 women have gone through my Love U program. Nancy is one of them.

A fifty-something widow who had been through two bad marriages, Nancy registered as a private client in my Love U Masters Course back in May last year.

She had little dating experience, little confidence, and little trust in her ability to navigate men and relationships successfully. After going through the short weekly videos and talking on the phone every other week, Nancy wrote me this email:

I feel like I’ve been having some real ‘Aha’ moments over the last couple of weeks. The idea of ’embracing uncertainty’ was significant for me. I got home last night after spending 11 days out of town. I have been listening to the Love U modules and calls on the road, and also spending time talking with some very good friends. I am feeling really good about where I am right now. I’m happy with myself…how I’m handling my relationship with David…just happy. It feels great. My very dearest friend, who I just saw, told me that she is seeing a lightness in my step. I love to hear that.

Here are some things that are really sticking with me from Love U:

1. My communication style. I have always tried to communicate in a kind, friendly manner. In the past, I felt that I should be willing to be more confrontational, not so wimpy. I really liked the module that spoke about the compliment sandwich. I feel affirmed about how I like to communicate. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be kind….I’m not a wimp, I’m just a nice person.

2. Acceptance. I am embracing the idea of accepting your partner. Really accepting. I definitely entered both of my marriages with the idea that I would be changing my husbands. How freeing to let that go, and focus on accepting a partner for who they are. And, of course, if I can’t accept them, then they are not the right partner. 🙂

3. The module this past week where you shared your proposal story really hit me. What impacted me the most was how you described your indecision, and how your wife could not (and should not) have changed anything about herself. I like myself. I had work to do, definitely. I have to move past my fear and allow myself to open up, but at my core, I like who I am. I don’t want to change. The right man will like who I am, and won’t want me to change.

Are you sick of changing for men who don’t appreciate you?

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You can find an easy relationship just like Nancy did.

Click here to learn more.

Join our conversation (21 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Christine

    Amen that “relationships take work” is one of the biggest lies ever inflicted on us!  One of the more famous examples of this theme was in Ben Affleck’s Oscar acceptance speech, when he described his marriage to Jennifer Garner as “work”.  And look where they are now!  Only those two can know for sure the reason for the divorce–but just the fact that they’re divorcing obviously shows that they had problems, and that “work” isn’t a sign of a great relationship.

    I’ve “worked” on relationships before, all right…and that’s why I’m not still in them.  Now that I’m in an “easy” relationship, I don’t know why I stayed in those “hard” ones as long as I did (oh, yeah, because “relationships take work”).  To me, a good relationship (as I have now) is like a road that’s very smooth and easy to drive on, with only a few little bumps now and then–while the bad ones (that are often mistaken as “passionate” or “exciting”) are more like roller coaster rides.  In fact, I’m one of the few women I know who disliked “The Notebook” (yes, even with Ryan Gosling) because I think it glorifies the wrong type of relationship, with the constant fighting and making up.  To everyone out there, when your relationship is “hard work”, work hard to get out!

     

    1. 1.1
      Lucy

      I agree. I’ve come to the point of not wanting the ‘work’ type of relationship but mainly due to emotional exhaustion than a conscious decision. I’ve almost reached dating apathy. As soon as it feels like putting a peg into a round hole, I just can’t be bothered anymore. I don’t want the added stress. In an ideal world,  a romantic relationship should be a welcome diversion to the more stressful parts of life not the cause of the stress.

      Yet when I say I do not want to go through this I get told (often by older people) something along the lines of “You’re young and naive. You’ll soon learn that relationships take work”.

      They’ve got me wrong. What I mean is that I want a relationship to feel fun. I expect there to be hard times at some point but I hope this to happen due to circumstance s and not due to trying to pin together a relationship that isn’t ever going to work.

  2. 2
    KK

    In agreement that relationships should start out easy. If it doesn’t come easy, let it go. That being said, marriage is quite another story. Eventually, marriage does require work from both partners or it will not survive. If you’ve been married for less than a decade, you’re marriage is still young. You start out eager and excited to share your lives together. The first few years are fun and exciting and your love deepens. Then, maybe children start to come along. Again, the newness of being a parent is a blessing and joy for most people. But… children get older, everyday routines set in, the magic that flowed easily becomes a thing of the past. From  what I’ve noticed, the 7 to 10 year mark is a make it or break it time for most marriages. The ones that make it, work on it. The ones that end in divorce are the ones who throw up their hands because they don’t want to do the work. They think it’s always supposed to be easy. Not true. And sometimes it’s just one person who gives up. Either way, marriage will, in time, require work from both, in order to survive or remain good.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      KK – I think we need to distinguish between “effort” and “work.” Relationships should take effort – it means both parties are trying. But honestly, if it feels like “work” to be kind and present and generous to your partner, what’s the point? I don’t have to “work” at loving my Mom or sister; I do nice things for them because I love them. That’s exactly what my 7 year marriage (with 2 kids) is like. We haven’t been beset by illness or unemployment, of course, but the day to day stuff? It’s really quite easy to get along.

      1. 2.1.1
        KK

        Thank you for clarifying, Evan. That being said, I could swap the word “effort” for “work” in what I wrote above. It seems after a certain number of years, many couples are no longer willing to put forth the effort to make each other feel loved, valued, and respected. Sometimes, it’s just one of the partners that starts taking the other for granted, which is still bad news. Anyway, I agree with what you said about having to “work at it” while dating and feel that at some point in a marriage, it takes more effort than in the beginning.

        1. Joe

          If one partner stops putting out any effort, then it’s stopped being a good relationship, and then the “biggest lie” applies, no?

        2. Christine

          That’s a good and important distinction to make between “effort” and “work”.  Maybe it’s better to say “relationships take effort”.  I think that’s something that reasonable people could all agree on.  The best relationships seem to strike that happy medium between complacently doing nothing, and “work”.

        3. KK

          What is “the biggest lie”?

    2. 2.2
      MJ

      I’m in total agreement with KK.  Finding your true love should be easy.  You will know and trust in each other completely.  The first decade together will be total bliss.  But aging together does something to the magic.  And it does take work to keep it alive, especially in mid-life.   Effort.. Work.. it’s all semantics.   We’re still together after 35 yrs, but it would have been so much easier to throw in the towel for both of us, and we came close.   It took a lot of work to get through the rough times.

      So if it’s not easy in the beginning,  I see little hope for being able to handle the big stuff in later years.

  3. 3
    Poppin by

    Lol @ shoe analogy – from someone who’s never squeezed feet into super cute high heels and dealt with the pain of tippy toeing around in them…

  4. 4
    SparklingEmerald

    JM2C . . .

    I think it does come down to semantics with  “effort” vs “work”.  I do agree, the ease should be there at the beginning when a relationship is being established.  One shouldn’t have to play games or pull teeth to know where one stands in the relationship.  If the beginning of a relationship is fraught with lot’s of drama, arguments, wondering where you stand, games etc. then it’s too hard and you might as well get out.

    However, LIFE takes work.  Running a household, raising kids, takes work.  After 20 plus years together, angelic little toddlers can grow into moody, difficult challenging teenagers.  In-laws age, become ill and die. Spouse can become seriously ill too, creating even more burden.  One can get sandwiched between dealing with a difficult teenager and caring for an aging parent.

    LIFE involves work (not just the work you do for pay, but all the other work too) weather you are single or married.  Theoretically, having a partner should make the work load of life easier to bear, since you don’t have to face the struggles of life alone.  If the couple is working TOGETHER to build a life and face life’s challenges than that’s a good thing, but if the couple is working AGAINST each other, the relationship is in big trouble.

    Bottom line, if a relationship is a chore in the beginning (when it really should be fun and easy), then it’s only going to get worse if you marry and add the responsibilities of a family to it.

  5. 5
    Lucy

    Yes I agree. This is one of a host of platitudes said with kind intentions but is hollow and meaningless in reality. I would rather be single than be a martyr to a bad relationship.

    I wish more people my age would realise the ‘effort’ involved in relationships though. I am 26 and most of the men I have dated so far just can’t be bothered with sustained ‘effort’, and I mean ‘effort’ rather than ‘work’. I mean making the ‘effort’ to communicate regularly and show affection. I have seen men who claim they really want a relationship but once they have it, they can’t sustain it. Hmm maybe the ‘effort’ feels too much like ‘work’ for them. Each individual in a relationship has to have the right mindset otherwise it’s a no go.

  6. 6
    ScottH

    Here’s a link to a great column on work in relationships:  http://www.reviewjournal.com/steven-kalas/thriving-relationships-require-willing-workers

    Here’s a quote from that column:  ”

    When love relationships are thriving, they are a delicious paradox of ease and rigor. Or, as a friend of mine said recently about her man, “I’ve never worked so hard in a relationship, and it’s never been easier.”

    When love relationships are thriving, the work rarely feels like work. In fact, the effort and intention a mate brings to the table is largely reflexive, even unconscious. And, even when it feels like work, it is work you want to do! The thing you most want is to revel in the connection, so the work is an inspiration to that end.

    When love relationships are moving through a time of the partners’ personal development, or the development of the relationship itself, the work feels more like work. It has less spontaneous inspiration, and much more conscious intention. But still, it’s work you want to do. So you do it, even as you scratch and claw toward the return of ease and spontaneity on the other side.”

  7. 7
    GL

    The last mastermind manipulator I dated Don juaned me in the first week. It was a magical fairy tale, we seemed to have so much in common, and we slept together and the chemistry made everything amazing. Then one day he was leaving my place and he said: “Dont trip out!” And so began my anxiety. I tried handling everything like an adult but he dismissed me and pretty much wanted me to shut up. Through this one however, I learned about the anxiety I get through choosing bad people, and where my limits are at.

  8. 8
    Jennifer

    This is possibly the worst advice you’ve ever given Evan. I keep thinking about this post and I’ve finally come back here to post this comment. I’m in my third year of a fantastic relationship – and I credit much of it to your words of advice. Your advice is mostly for women seeking to change their own bad relationship habits and generally be better partners in order to snag themselves a healthy, fulfilling relationship (https://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-do-women-have-to-change-why-do-men-get-a-free-pass/).

    This fucking takes work. I spent perhaps nearly the entire first year of my relationship in anxiety because I would be battling the desire to freak about about him being close friends with his ex, or trying to stop myself from worrying if he didn’t text back immediately or if he put a foot wrong and in the moment I thought it was a clear sign of a personality flaw and a doomed relationship (you have fantastic life-line blog posts on each of these topics). It was not easy. Period. The relationship took work on my part to be a better girlfriend. And the process was frustrating, and anxiety ridden. I was angry a lot.

    Whatever most women have been doing up until stumbling upon your site hasn’t been working. Your recent post giving advice to the girl who doesn’t feel comfortable kissing until the third date – you betcha her relationships will be very hard to start with as she tries to follow your advice. She’ll probably read this post too, and think, well hey, but relationships are meant to be easy! So I’ll wait until I find one that is. I’m sure your advice is actually intended for those clinging on to relationships where there isn’t the right compatibility, but I’m shocked at your over-generalisation that it should ALL be easy. Especially for this audience of readers who are seeking advice to “work” on themselves to be better and happier in their relationships.

    PS we just bought a house together, and spent a third wonderful and loving Christmas.. and I couldn’t be more grateful for your previous advice to work on issues as they came up, to work on myself and my fears, and only NOW the relationship feels easy.

    1. 8.1
      Nissa

      Except that everything you are describing is not actually ‘relationship’ work. It’s SELF work, because people who worry and habitually think in black-and-white do so whether they are in a dating relationship or not. Those habits exist in that person’s every interaction, and therefore color every aspect of that person’s life.  When either person in the dating relationship has those habits, it wreaks havoc on the relationship. When either person in the relationship deals with their own personality flaws, the relationship overall either improves or ends (because people who don’t want to work on their issues, won’t tolerate anyone else improving either).

    2. 8.2
      Caroline

      Jennifer-I don’t mean to pry but don’t you think most of what you said you had to work on in the first year was actually working on yourself? You were the one who had to deal with your insecurities about his ex? You had to learn how to deal with your insecurity about him not texting back right away? Those are about you not him. You obviously did a great job of working on yourself:) aren’t you two lucky you both were willing for the other to grow as a person. I wish you both much happiness

  9. 9
    MissNova

    Man, oh, man. When I heard this on your webinar last night, I almost fell to the ground. It describes my last relationship exactly. Not only filled with anxiety but I was walking on egg shells with this guy. Afraid of being put down or critisized. It was an awful feeling inside and all the while, I said to myself, “this is not supposed to feel this way.” This is not supposed to be “work”. But I’ve been lying to myself. Thinking that I have to “stick it out” because I have to remain loyal and work it out. Truth is, I was ignoring my feelings and remaining in an unhappy situation due to fear, a lack of confidence and other reasons. What a damn epiphany I had last night, Evan. My last relationship was too much work and I was happy once I sent in my resignation papers and walked away.

  10. 10
    Adrian

    Strange!

    I always thought the biggest lie was that the bad relationship was always the other person’s fault!

    He/She didn’t do this or did that too much!

    Taking personal responsibility is often never mentioned (except for the mistake of staying with the wrong person too long).

    The greatest lie is that you are a better catch than you really are!

    ________

    This doesn’t mean that I am excusing bad behavior from ex’s. I’m just saying that maybe there is a reason why quality men/women don’t want to commit long-term to you.

    We spend so much time talking about why a 9 in looks doesn’t want to date a 5 in looks -the answer is always some version of “you are not as attractive looking as you think you are.” But what about why a 9 in character doesn’t want to continue to date you even though you are a 7+ in looks?

    1. 10.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “I always thought the biggest lie was that the bad relationship was always the other person’s fault!”

      People aren’t ready for that one yet. 🙂

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