When you’re on the phone with women for 4 hours a day, you tend to hear a lot of recurring themes.
One of the most prominent themes is a “high-class” problem; in other words, if you’re having this issue, it means you’re doing very well with men.
Maureen and Cassie could not be more different as people, but they both have the agonizing problem of finding a man who absolutely adores them after less than one month of one-on-one coaching.
Immediately, our conversations turn from, “Why are there no good men out there?!” to “How can I calm down and make sure I don’t ruin it with this great guy?”
Both of them, unfortunately, had it quite backwards.
Because of their own fear — of being abandoned, of being not-good-enough, of being too old, too rigid, too masculine — they seriously ran the risk of alienating their new men.
Until I reminded them of a core principle in “Why He Disappeared”: men do what they want to do.
If we want to call you, we’ll call you.
If we want to introduce you to our family, we’ll introduce you to our family.
If we want to take down our profiles and commit, we’ll do it.
Which is why, when Maureen and Cassie breathlessly asked me to tell them what to do next, the answer couldn’t be more simple: NOTHING!!!
“Doing something” means you’re trying to keep your emotional tether alive, to nudge him into calling you, seeing you, committing to you.
The great thing about men is this: We don’t need to be nudged!
But the great thing about men is this: We don’t need to be nudged!
So when it’s been 10 hours and you haven’t gotten a reply to his text, you let it go.
When it’s Thursday night and he hasn’t called to see you on Saturday, you let it go.
It’s three weeks into dating and his profile’s up, you let it go.
Why? Wouldn’t it make more sense to call him, text him, and see him so he doesn’t lose interest in you?
Nope. All you do when you “nudge” a man to take action is let him know that he’s in control, you’re desperate and needy, and that you don’t trust that he knows what’s good for him.
The truth is, if you’re the right woman for him, you don’t NEED to nudge him.
Remember what it’s like when a guy’s excited about you?
The RIGHT guy steps up to the plate and commits to you in the first couple of months. The WRONG guy never escalates his efforts.
He calls, he follows through, he’s thoughtful, he’s chivalrous, he’s gentlemanly, he WANTS a commitment with you.
But sometimes it takes a few weeks for us to figure all of that out for ourselves.
Remember, men like to “buy”. We don’t want to be “sold”.
Anything you do to amp up the pressure for him to make a decision is just going to drive him away — the exact OPPOSITE reaction you want from your man.
But that leaves you with the same burning question: “what should I DO, Evan?”
Ah, the answer couldn’t be simpler:
Make your PRESENT so amazing that he WANTS to have a FUTURE with you.
It’s not about finding out in week 1 whether he wants to live in the city or the country, or hoping he says “I love you” by week 4.
Those are things you’ll deal with later.
For now, just have fun.
Laugh. Say yes. Be easygoing. Smile. Fool around. Enjoy the moment.
You never have more leverage over a man than when he’s CHOSEN you of his own accord, when he’s EMOTIONALLY INVESTED in you because he FEELS so happy every time he’s around you.
And if he’s receiving texts that say, “Where are you?!” or late night calls that plead, “Where is this going?”, you’re not making him feel too good in the present.
My wife was ALWAYS in the present and that’s why she’s my wife. Because she enhances my life and doesn’t provide emotional drama when it’s unnecessary.
Since he CAN’T know after a few weeks whether you’re “the one”, just relax and enjoy the ride. The RIGHT guy steps up to the plate and commits to you in the first couple of months. The WRONG guy never escalates his efforts.
It’s REALLY easy to tell the difference so you don’t invest more than 8 weeks in a relationship that’s a dead-end.
But in order to get a relationship off the ground, you HAVE to put off all fears, all nudging, and all thoughts of your future and just ENJOY the present.
He’ll know what to do next. I promise.