What Do Guys In Their 20’s Want With Women In Their 40’s?

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I am in my mid-forties and I have been online dating off and on for about 2 ½ years and dating in general for 4 years. I am a year and a half out of a relationship and in that time, I have found only one guy I was interested in but he did the vanishing act. I have probably more dates than the average woman and I just can’t seem to find a guy I want to date. I am often told I am beautiful and I look about 10 years younger than I my age. I get contacted by a fair number of guys in their 20’s and most I don’t respond to because I just feel it won’t go anywhere. Recently, however, I was contacted by a guy in his mid-twenties and I was impressed by his profile…he’s mature, intelligent, articulate and attractive. I started up a correspondence with him. I was curious. But I still feel that maybe it’s a mistake…what do I really have in common with this guy? After all, I am twenty years older than he is. 

In your opinion, what do guys in their twenties really expect and/or want when contacting an older woman?  The youngest guy I have ever been out with is 33. 

Thanks for your insight. I really enjoy reading your blog and I feel that of many so-called dating experts that you are right on!

Carla

Thanks, Coug–, uh Carla. As a so-called dating expert, I really appreciate the kind words!

Which is why I’m sure you’re going to be completely receptive to this:

You’re wasting your time with this kid.

Okay, that’s not fair. Let me use more words to say it:

If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you’re most likely wasting your time with this kid. However, if you’re looking for good, clean (and not-so-clean) fun with a young stallion, you can have an amazing time. In fact, I would encourage you to do so. And take lots of pictures.

If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, you’re most likely wasting your time with this kid. However, if you’re looking for good, clean (and not-so-clean) fun with a young stallion, you can have an amazing time.

See, I’m not here to set the rules for society. I’m here to observe society and report back to you how things USUALLY work out. And for every Demi and Ashton (Celebrities, They’re Just Like Us!), there are thousands of other instances of cross-generational relationships that die a quick, painless death. Why? Because he was born in the 80’s, right about the time that you were losing your virginity in college. Because he’s been in the workforce for oh, about four years. Because he may be a great communicator, mature for his age, and relationship minded, but he’s also, y’know, a BABY.

You know how I know this? Because I’M that guy. I’ve ALWAYS loved older women. I was with a 35 year old woman when I was 20. I used to flirt with my mom’s friends. And when all my friends would make fun of me and say, “Why would you date an older woman when you could date a younger woman?”, I’d say, “Why would you date a younger woman when you can date an older woman?”. … As far as I’m concerned, every woman is better at 28 than at 23, better at 33 than at 28, and so on. Now, there is a flaw in this system – the biological clock — which is much worse at 38 than at 23. This is a valid concern to men looking to have families, so let’s not overlook it. But still, I’m a big proponent of life experience and wisdom. Older women are AWESOME in this guy’s book.

So even if this young man’s interest in you is completely pure, even if he wants to have a real relationship with you, you guys are most likely doomed. If he wants to have kids. Or go clubbing at night. Or switch careers a few more times. Or do normal things like twentysomethings do. You’re at the home buying, 401K saving, family planning phase of life — for MOST 46-year-olds. Hey, if you still have the juice to hang with kids, go crazy.

There’s a very good reason that you don’t see many 25 year old men with 45 year old women.

It just seems far more likely that a) he’s bragging to his friends that he might get to sleep with a woman 20 years older than himself, or b) you guys really might be compatible if only he were significantly older or you were significantly younger. But he’s not. And you’re not. Put another way, there’s a very good reason that you don’t see many 25 year old men with 45 year old women.

A caveat which I must acknowledge: if neither of you desires children, then you have a far better chance. But presuming he does, if I were you, Carla, I’d probably have some fun. Go in with your eyes open and appreciate the experience for what it is — a dalliance with the youthful exuberance of your past. Enjoy it while it lasts.

 

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Comments:

  1. 21
    Nervous Nellie

    M,

    What “gender-polarized vitriol” are you talking about? And how come this “May-Dec” type relationship is not as much of an issue when the MAN is the one who is much older?

    And as far as being “different,” well I am a 44-year-old with my own law practice. I am represented by 2 model and talent agencies, I take boxing classes and still do gymnastics. I weigh as much as I did in high school. Thanks to good genes, I look much younger than my years – no wrinkles or gray (my parents are from the Philippines). Oh. And I am inked and pierced.

    So, I am not as concerned as what society thinks of me. But as far as investing my heart in this relationship with someone so much younger, in light of the previous posts…that is what makes me nervous.

    1. 21.1
      IveGotCheeseInMyPocket

      Oh thank goodness someone is defending something called, love. Sometimes two people regardless of age, regardless of religion, politics, social and family pressures, etc., just have the courage to be together. I’ve battled this battle and I’ve had to read this thread until comment number 19 before seeing that someone else understands that it’s not all about what others say. Perhaps that is the societal ratio – 19:1. 19 against to 1 for. Nervous Nellie is a champion, pure and simple. If you find somebody who you love and who loves you, and that someone and you are just plain good together, then … accept it; accept the love. And now how do I know this? Because I am a 48 year old woman who has been in love with a 28 year old man for almost 3 years now. It has been a battle of society, a battle of family, a battle of tolerance, a battle of acceptance, a battle of temptations to give in to our own age range, a battle of giving in to fear – you name it, it’s been a battle. I have two sons too, so introducing this man who is closer in age to them than to me, was very difficult. Where are we now? Now, as in exactly now, we caved under pressure. We have been giving in to society, mental linear models of fate and doom models programmed in our heads, and you know what? We are suffering. We are suffering because we are beginning to make up our own problems to force ourselves to push away from what should be so simple. It should be about love, it should be about being plain and simply good together. If anyone can overcome these illusions and realities of exterior pressure, then hats off to them. Nervous Nellie is a true Champion in my eyes. So, Love Like a Champion – please. Please love like a champion and stand up for all the rest of us who are scared and otherwise give in to our fears all too often. Thank you.

      1. 21.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        IveGotCheese,

        I feel for you. The men in my last three relationships got successively younger as I got older, 6yrs, 13yrs, 17yrs.  

        I loved and still love them all 🙂

        However, you’re in denial. Your relationship with your young man when he reaches an age where he wants to have his own kids.

        It’s possible that he’ll never want kids. Those men exist, but those men are rare. If you found such a rare gem, then your relationship may have a chance of succeeding long time.

        Don’t let your hormones drown out reality.

        Enjoy the moment and the relationship as long as it lasts. But you’re fooling yourself if you think that it will last until your golden years.

        “Men are as faithful as their options.” – Chris Rock  

        The younger they are and the older you get, the more options there are available to him. Love is blind quite often. But love doesn’t go senile.  

        Be happy for now. Just don’t lie to yourself. That’s all.  

        1. Karmic Equation

          I hate auto-correct.

          *Your relationship with your young man [will end] when he reaches…
          *…succeeding long-term not long time (I swear I speak “good” English! lol)
            

        2. IveGotCheeseInMyPocket

          Ok Karmic,
          You’re right I’m sure and I will follow your advice and I am sure your advice will bring me life long happiness. (Sarcasm here)
          (What I”m really thinking): My thinking is it never helps anyone to tell them to think things are impossible. Life is full of possibilities and we believe the impossible when we give in to other people’s thinking. I don’t know the future, none of us do. Sure we can listen to popular opinion, then why are divorce rates even among couples of the same age so high?

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          Not a great argument, Cheese. Just because 24-year-olds marry and get divorced at a 75% rate doesn’t mean there’s anything to learn from that. Let’s look at it another way: how many lasting marriages exist when the woman is 20 years older than the man? What are the successful societal precedents for it? Regular reader Karl R has a wife who is 16 years older, but then, he’s in his early 40’s. Your boyfriend was born in 1986. So, no, nothing is “impossible,” but the odds are certainly stacked against you if you’re trying to do something that virtually nobody else does. And no amount of emotion on your part will take away from that fact.

        4. WickedBitchOfTheBest

          Women like variety too.

        5. Aurora

          Same rule applies to men cupcake.

      2. 21.1.2
        Suze

        i am currently 46 and considering the implications of a relationship with a 26 yr old man, who seems far more experienced in life than I am! He is sexy, charming, intelligent , and makes me smile, so you know what, I will probably go for it, and it it is just a few months of great fun, then brilliant. After a 14 yr relationship in which I was made to feel worthless, and left feeling no one would ever be interested in me, and receiving interest has made me realise I am attractive, and will be fine. If it turns out to be longer term then great. He tells me his last relationships were 2 yrs ( with 20 yrs older) and 3 yrs (23 yrs older) . My mum dated an 18 yr old when she was 36, that lasted 18 yrs, and then she dated another man 18 yrs younger which lasted 12 yrs until she died, so it can last

        1. David

          Suze,

          Please go for it! Age is not the defining thing. It all comes down to respect for your partner, his/her ambitions and if you want a life together. I married my wife at 25 and she 40. We never wanted kids and the experiences of her sisters have proved us right! They are always a problem and bring nothing but soul-searching and unhappiness for their parents mainly. I will be 67 this year and we are still married. I can feel when my wife is suffering and I comfort her even without any words I feel that she responds. I did all the chores and my job for two months while she was sick taking her breakfast lunch and dinner, ensuring she could get to the bathroom etc.   since she had had operations on both feet and was not very mobile. I rose at 06.00 and finally got to bed about 24.00. Would I do this again? Yes because I love her still after 42 years. I say if you feel for the person, then go for it but stay true and honest with her.

        2. Karmic Equation

          David,

          I know your intentions come from a good place, but I believe your advice is doing a disservice to the majority of older women who long to date younger men for relationships, not just for sex.

          1) You didn’t want kids. That is one of the requirements for older woman-(much) younger man relationships. If the man is undecided, she needs to pass UNLESS she’s ok with short-term relationship. She has to go into such a relationship with eyes wide open. Once she’s attached, probably after several months of sex, she’s going to become  heartbroken when HE’s had fill of sex with a new woman and wants to move on to the next new woman, who may or may not be younger than she is.

          2) You married over 40 years ago, before internet dating, before Facebook, before “sexual liberation”. 40 years ago, most people were limited to meeting people in their own neighborhoods for dating, and then marrying them to get sex. Morality and sexuality have changed a lot since then, to say the least. Not to mention the unlimited choices for dating (for most sexy good looking   folk in their 20s).

          3) Since men no longer need to marry to get sex, young men will date older women just for sex, and while those men will say “age is just a number” when courting, her age will often be the reason he will use to break up with her when the novelty of sex with her has worn off. If a woman understands this and accepts this, then she can and should have that STR with that young guy.

          I’m not saying older women shouldn’t date/have relationships with much younger (>10 years) men. I’m saying she needs to recognize that those relationships have a short shelf-life. While there are certainly couples who are exceptions to this rule, they are still the exceptions and not the rule.

          Older women who believe HER relationship with the much younger guy will be the exception are going to be the ones who ultimately suffer the most. Better to go into the relationship expecting it to be the norm (e.g., short-term) than to expect it to be the exception. Data has proven this.

          So Suze, writing as a woman who’s had relationships with much younger men (13 yrs and 17 yrs), I would say, if you have the inclination and self-control, go for it. Dating young men IS fun; IS validating; and sex is vigorous and frequent 🙂 – You need self-control because you will need to control your insecurities and jealousies more than if your partner is the same age, simply because your competition pool is that much bigger with a much younger man. And you need to have the maturity to let go gracefully when (not if) your guy eventually decides he does want a natural (not adopted) family or just simply wants to hang around people his own age.

          I did the breaking up with with both my younger fellas when I recognized that the relationship had run its course. While I did love both men, it was a superficial kind of love, and I never allowed myself to “fall in love” with either of them. So while ending the relationships was very saddening, it was not devastating. I missed them both a lot. But I got through it.

          Go for it, Suze, as long as you can control your emotions and are not seeking a long-term relationship.

          If you believe you cannot or if you’re looking for marriage or similar LTR, you’re better off searching for a more age-appropriate partner. He can still be younger than you. Just not “significantly” younger (as in >7 years). Odds of LTRs are better for that with your age-peer, particularly if you look young for your age.

           

           

      3. 21.1.3
        Marla

        Whatever the world thinks does not make love right or wrong. I am 46 married to my husband 25. We are very happy. Sure we have challenges of course but just like anybody else. He wants children and I can not give him that. We are commited to working things out for as long as we stay together. I enjoy my younger husband because he likes to cuddle and he’s very dedicated to me. We enjoyed each others company and we do things together. It is rare to find a true relationship where both of us are understanding each other’s need. I am confident that we are going to stay married until one of us dies first. IHe understand that I am going to get older and he is committed to taking care of me. Nobody can ever guess about love and how it works. We just need to try every day to work on our lives and be happy. There is no relationship in this world that does not have difficulties or bridges to cross. I must be lucky. I have great genes as many other women I do look very good for my age. I will take very good care of my skin and also myself because he inspires me to live a better healthy lifestyle.

        Do not judge love.

      4. 21.1.4
        David

        Selena,

        I have been married to a lady who is 15 years older than I am since 1974. I have never cheated on her even when we had jobs where we were separated a lot. The trick is that we are totally honest with each other. I now have to look after her a bit as she has become a little more frail, but that is fine, she is my wife. I now do all the cooking and shopping I do in the car. We do not have kids and when we see our nephews  and nieces, and her sisters’ grandchildren I am very grateful! The key is not age but trust and a desire to share life together. Once you realize that sometimes you have to do things that you may not like much, BECAUSE your partner does, this is half the battle won. If you are on an ego trip you will never make with anyone for long. This is why the ladies above are quoting a relationship of 2 years max. Oh, and treating a woman as a person helps too, she is not a male appendage or chattel.

         

    2. 21.2
      Blue

      That`s the way to go! Awesome!

    3. 21.3
      swg

      I’m 48 and the 29 yr old I’ve been dating for 6 months has decided he wants someone closer to his own age, to have the option of breeding (I call it that dismissively.)   He has feelings for me, I know this. But this has left him extremely confused and me extremely hurt.

      When I was 40, I dated a 23 yr old, for 4 years off and on. It didn’t fizzle because of the age difference. I broke it off because he had a drinking problem. Who knows if it might have worked out longterm, otherwise..

      But the “might want kids issue” is a big thing. You’re taking a risk. I’ve had an amazing time with my guy, no doubt. But I am very heartbroken now that we have to end it.

      1. 21.3.1
        David M.

        swg,   You really should get up and get back on that horse !   Only joking!!   Sounds like you must be a very attractive woman, so there are MANY much younger guys who would be excited to date you !!   Couples break up at any age, please do not be so discouraged. My wife is almost 22 years older than me but she keeps herself very fit and looks MUCH younger than her true age. NO man ever had a better wife !!   The sex with her is beyond fantastic and uninhibited, rare for a 56 year old !   I believe that her going to the gym 5 evenings a week has given her vast benefits. Men half her age make passes at her regularly. A few years does NOT mean that a woman cant be sexy and desired. Dress to show off your pretty figure and when those guys flirt, please smile back.

        1. Sandra Wade

          Yes, I am actually a model so I’m attractive but let me tell you, it’s not nec so great.   so many men just want sex and can’t get past the looks. being pursued for sex relentlessly gets really old

          I’m a model so lots of men just want to date me to brag about seeing a model.

          The 29 yr old and I were done, for 3 months   I though about him constantly tho. I had trouble dating other people. I was very depressed.   then he came back..he said he missed me and all that but..nothing really changed …he emphasized he wanted it to be fwb only.   I thought I could handle that but I see him once a week and I’m starting to be really unhappy with us not taking things to the next level. I don’t want to be someone’s way station until they meet the person they’re gonna marry and breed with.

          Although I’m 49 I haven’t gone thru menopause yet but pretty sure I can’t have kids, nor do I want them. it’s sad. I feel like I need to pull away from him again so I can devote my limited free time to finding something more serious.

      2. 21.3.2
        Aurora

        Not all relationships last. All relationships are a risk for both men and women.

        1. Sandra Wade

          Maybe not but we all have limited time to invest in dating ..I’m asking myself do I really want to invest it in someone who I already know is gonna dump me once I start looking too old ..or when he finds someone to have kids with?

        2. Aurora

          Sandra Wade, these are things that should be discussed at the beginning of a relationship before things get to deep.

        3. Sandra Wade

          You can discuss things at the beginning but once you start building a life with someone..seeing them every weekend..meeting their family…developing that connection..things change.

  2. 22
    Nervous Nellie

    Selena,

    I had married my college sweetheart. Marriage lasted 13 years. Therefore, what you said was right. As for “going with the flow,” I am trying to do just that and taking things one day at a time. As for investing my heart totally, I am still nervous about that.

    1. 22.1
      nykolmayo

      I completly understand.   I met a guy 16 years my jr.   We only flirted, but that is the extent.   Even if he had approached me for something more, i would not pursue because I am finally ready to settle down, and he is just beginning to live his life.   I am sure that he is not looking for anything serious, so why pursue anything?

    2. 22.2
      Lee

      The high divorce ratings and whether the woman older than the man marriage/relationship survives has very little to do with age if both parties have an intimate personal relationship with God. If a man marries a woman 15 – 20 years older than him and both have no good morals and principles to keep his marital vows, there is a much lesser rate for divorce. People don’t fall out of love, people fall out of relationships with God. People become conformed to the habits and traditions of this world. This line about  “Men are as faithful as their options” by Chris Rock is satanic. This is not a line for followers of Christ. There is a threefold cord that is not easily broken, “You, your partner and God and if you have all three in your life all hell can break out and whether the woman is younger or older than her husband, God can keep your marriage strong from all evil tongues and eyes. Fear not for God is in control you just need to believe, obey him and have just enough faith as a mustard seed. People that divorce is selfish with hearts of stone and standing alone without God in their relationship. If you are standing alone without the Holy spirit, you will surely fall to dust! You peopel are talking about the flesh NOT the Holy spirit. You are walking by sight and lust of the flesh NOT the Holy spirit! God is in control not man.

        1. aej

          Evan Marc Katz is ONLY HERE for SELF PROMOTION and to act as a TROLL.   If you click on his name it leads to his website.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          I would normally delete this, aej, but thought this was the stupidest, funniest comment I’ve ever gotten here.

          You called me a TROLL who was here for self-promotion – and accused me of having the audacity to make my name link to my website. Hmm.

          a. This IS my website. Go to the top of the page. You’ll see.
          b. I don’t believe you can be a troll on your own website.
          c. In fact, by posting this on my website, YOU are the troll, given that the definition is “one who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people, by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.”

          I am Evan Marc Katz. This is EvanMarcKatz.com. 9 million people per year come here for free advice. A percentage of them choose to give me their email address to get more free advice. If they choose to pay for products or coaching, that’s up to them.

          Thus, two things are for sure:

          1. I’m not trolling myself.
          2. It’s common sense to have my own name link to my own website on my own website.

          Thanks again for playing. I look forward to you trolling me again elsewhere because that’s what trolls do.

      1. 22.2.2
        Lee

          CORRECTIONS: If a man marries a woman whether it be 15 or 20 years older than him or younger than him and both have good morals and principles, there is a much lesser rate for divorce. It’s mostly about how we were raised and what we believe and control of one’s self. But many fail to understand that there is a higher power than ourselves and he is in control. Without that higher power, we stand alone to fall.  

      2. 22.2.3
        mels

        Amen and Amen!!!

      3. 22.2.4
        LADINA M. ALSTON

        Yes sis AMEN!! Let’s school Evan on RUTH! Him and his statistics mean nothing..I’m a doctor and statistics are based on the AVERAGE woman who does much of nothing but the norm…home to work to home etc…with no mention of their eating habits exercise habits etc.

  3. 23
    hotlips

    There are as many kinds of love as there are people in the world.
    After 7 years and one child with a man 17 years my junior I have to say it’s way more than fun and hot sex. We have built a business together, are raising a child together, he’s been hospitalized for a serious chronic illness, we are buying another peice of property together-you know, all the things same age couples do together.
    He wants to get married too. After 7 years together he just might be breaking through my no marriage barrier. It’s me not him that hasn’t wanted to totally commit. It isn’t because of the age thing that I don’t seek marriage but because a bad divorce taught me that you can really get taken for a ride in a divorce and I don’t want to do that again. But he thinks it is important and it is becoming important to our daughter so I just might do the deed with a younger man-with pre-nup in place. (I would have a pre-nup with ANYONE)

    1. 23.1
      lisee

      My man and I met when he was just 18 and I was 37.   He’s 25 and im 44 now.   I find that it’s me that holds back and trying to put off marriage. I’m the one not fully committing…. I’m the one that keeps encouraging him to go off with a younger model. … He does not want to leave, and says that making him leave to be with a younger woman is useless, as the risk is that he may never love them as much as he does me, so leaving me isn’t worth it just to try out women his own age which may not work as well as us.    I have no idea why most of you think it’s all about sex and babies… and until you have experienced true love with a younger guy/older woman situation,   all you can do is just give an opinion on your own personal thoughts, which unfortunately, like a lot of society (experienced) is, “why the hell is that young guy with someone old enough to be his mother”. Not every man wants kids, some want a stress free easy life with someone that can make decisions.   If anything, I’m the one with the issues in the relationship regarding the age difference.   I see how people look at us together, I’m the one that gets embarrassed when people ask if it’s my son.   He is certain that as long as he is with me, he wants nothing else. maybe I’m doing it right lol…..   7 years in and counting.

      1. 23.1.1
        Blue

        I agree. And very well done. Happy counting. 🙂

  4. 24
    Nervous Nellie

    hotlips,

    Your post was certainly encouraging. Like you, I am nervous about remarrying. Boyfriend did express a concern about that. And he wants me to meet his parents–mother is only 3 years older than I am. Stepfather is about 13 years older. I think his biological father is almost 10 years older than I am. Did you discuss the prenup issue with your bf?

    1. 24.1
      Roxy

      I am in a relationship with a 22 year age difference.   Its really scary for me too.   My kids approve, my parents approve, my best friend approves, my ex approves, my cousins approve. Yes, it matters. Its great to have the people I care about be so happy for us.   And we are happy.   We were friends for 2 years and have been a couple for 5 months.   Yep, its early days.   But we are happy and yes – hopeful.   As we should be, as anyone should be in a relationship.   The hardest part is society.   Its like so many people on this post. Discouraging, doubtful, frustrating.   Its depressing some days to have so much negativity thrown at you.   Maybe these relationships would have better statistics if A)We stopped asking others if our happiness could last and B)People around us were less judgemental.   My marriage died after 19 years so sometimes things just dont work out. No one would have predicted it, not us or our family. Ironically my husband was much older, and society didnt care, didnt bat an eye lol.   Shit happens.   Go forth and be hopeful.   If my heart can get broken with a guy in my age group it can get broken with a guy much younger.   The reverse is also true.   Just do it.   Life is scary no matter what chances you take, but I’d rather take the chance and see what happens. 🙂   Best of luck to you!

      1. 24.1.1
        lisee

        Just read this after leaving a reply of my own earlier..   This is bang on correct.   I felt that way early in the relationship.    Isn’t it great when everyone approves. Isn’t it hurtful when the people that dont know you become your judges …. They wouldn’t bat an eyelid if the man was older.   And to be fair… as a 44 year old woman with a 25 year old man (and he is a man), I don’t think a 65 year old man could keep up with me in the bedroom or anywhere else for that matter, so i’ll stick with my younger guy thanks.      Enjoy your relationship 🙂 like you say… same age relationships fail so if an age gap relationship fails then we move on.   My younger man is more man than any guy I have ever known, regardless of age….    and if I get 15 amazing years before he decides to go off with someone else, then that’s better than having not known him at all.   Besides, whatever man you are with could go off at any time,   same as the woman could.    If we all started a relationship worried about the ending, life would be awful… go for whatever makes you happy! 🙂

      2. 24.1.2
        Lee

        @ Roxy, I agree with you 1000.1%

      3. 24.1.3
        Blue

        Well done. I wish you tonnes of happiness! 🙂

  5. 25
    hotlips

    Because he knew me when I was going through my divorce (as a friend) he knew all a long about my allergy to marriage and my strong belief in pre-nups. Still he took the leap and had a relationship with me.
    The younger guy has a risk too. Marriage can mean a claim to half of all his future retirement benefits, alimony, child support if you have kids together. Men tend to earn more than women out the gate. Yes, my guy is only 26 but ALREADY planning for retirement and was thinking about this stuff at 18. He’s a freak that way. So was I at his age.
    Age aside, I recommend Everyone read the book The Courage to be Rich by Ormond. She discusses what marriage can mean financially, pre-nuptual agreements, how to divide expenses based on varying incomes or goals. Everyone should know about this no matter what age their partner is.
    I entered this relationship with no expectations of it being long term because of what other people believed and articles like this. But my experience has been different than the apparent cultural norm. I really think Americans sort of look for the negative. If something isn’t “normal” (whatever that is) then it must be bad.
    I find it amusing that the people who had negative things to say about our relationship or gossiped about how “It would never last” are majorly unhappy in their own relationships and we are happy. I know same age couples that have been married and divorced, with horrific court battles, in the time we’ve been together. Truly, the only negatives in our life are health issues and their HIS.

  6. 26
    Nervous Nellie

    hotlips,

    I am in much better physical shape than my bf, who is also 26 (27 this month). Basically, my ‘negative’ is that he will change his mind about having children someday. So my choices are enjoy things and take things one day and a time, or break it off and find someone closer to my own age, who already has children. Either break my own heart now, or risk having it broken in the future….

    1. 26.1
      Lee

      Nervous Nellie, do your man have great principles. Look for the morals and the principles NOT THE AGE because if you find a man close to your age and he do not have good moral and principles, you would surely get your heart broken. Pray about it and trust God but can you trust your young man to be faithful and live up to his standards? These are the most important things not the age difference’ LOOK FOR THE MORALS AND PRINCIPLES. people grow older, become sick and die but the morals and principles never die. The most important thing is, CAN YOU TRUST HIM?

  7. 27
    Elena

    I am the one whose man is much older. I am 25 and he is 50. We’ve been together for half a year and so far everything’s been just fine. Our relation is based on true love,trust and understanding.I don’t see it much of an issue being involved into a relation with an older guy.He is in a very good shape, fit and active and full of energy. Maybe it sounds weird but I have almost never been attracted to young boys of my age. I just don’t find them enough mature,interesting,responsible,smart,etc…There hasn’t been a single one young guy,who could satisfy my emotional and sexual needs. My boyfriend on the contrary does it perfectly well. We are very attached to each other, however he gets confused sometimes with our age difference. It seems to be difficult for him to put up with the idea that I actually could be his daughter, although he has never had children. My parents are against our relation. They think its completely insane of me. My friends keep telling that it won’t last long. But I just ignore their remarks. Despite all the negativity our love is growing stronger day after day. I fully believe in us and our future, in fact I would like to marry him and have kids. It’s his wish as well. I really don’t see what is the problem and to my point of view every relation, if based on true feelings should be given a chance. There is no such thing as “do’s and dont’s” in love life. Everything is OK and acceptable as long as it makes both partners happy and the age issue should be the last problem to worry about.

    1. 27.1
      Sandra Wade

      That’s all well and good but the difference in your case is, you guys can have kids whenever.

      The older woman younger man thing us always cursed because women can’t have kids past a certain age.

  8. 28
    Collins

    First off, Kutcher was actually born in 1978.

    That said, older women dating/marrying younger men is nothing new. Two of my great-great-grandparents were such a couple; she was born in 1848, he in 1862. They came to the States from Sweden & married in 1886. The age difference may have kept them from having more than 2 children (the older of whom was my great-grandma) but they remained married till death did them part.

    More than a century after my great-great-grandparents’ marriage, I often gravitate toward older women myself, for the following reasons:
    1. Many are divorced & already have kids; thus they’re less likely to want any by me (I want none of my own).
    2. Most are long established in their careers, & thus less likely to depend on me financially.

    Even so, I wouldn’t rule out a woman my own age, or even up to 10 years younger, just so she loves me for me & not for my money or what I can buy with it.

    1. 28.1
      Anne

      Give that man a Bells…..I applaud you….

      1. 28.1.1
        Lee

        I applaud both Elena and Collins.

  9. 29
    Nervous Nellie

    Collins,

    Just curious. Why don’t you want any children? My bf has been steadfast in his desire not to have any children.

  10. 30
    Collins

    Nellie,

    Long story short, having kids is not for everyone, of either gender. Raising children is hard work, harder now than ever, & harder than some people (including me) can handle. Plus, with world pop’n over 6 billion & growing fast, I wouldn’t want to bring a kid into a world with dirty air & water.

    As for you & your guy, if you want kids & he does not, then it may be time to reassess whether you & he should stay together or not.

    Now, I’m afraid we’re going off topic, so I’ll say no more. But thanks for asking.

  11. 31
    Tracy

    I just want to know where Steve is… (or where the Steve’s of the world are?). Has it occurred to – anyone other than myself, that most women in their 40’s are clear that they may meet someone divorced who has kids…? They may not want kids themselves, but are okay with being a step mother. I cannot have children and have come to the realization that at 50 I may meet someone who has them already. I don’t want to raise/rear any of my own at this late date, but am willing to be a weekend co-parent. BTW – I am mainly approached by men in their mid thirties.

  12. 32
    Selena

    Tracy,
    Steve I believe, is in the D.C. area. You’re not the only 40 something who’d like to meet a Steve-like man, yeah, where are they?

    Steve,
    Are you sure you can’t find the time to take over the blog? You’re balanced perspective and the way you present yourself is well respected around here.

    Selena

  13. 33
    Cilla

    I’m bumping this today, as I’ve had a lot of correspondence lately on dating sites from considerably younger men (I’m 46 and the last two were 31 and 23, respectively). I immediately dismissed the 23-year-old, since I have a 17-year-old son, and thought it would be a little creepy dating someone nearly his age. And then I went to a sporting activity tonight and met another 23-year-old who made my knees buckle! If he were to show any interest in me romantically, I don’t know that I could turn him away.

    The men in my age group seem to be bitter and resentful about women my age. I think they are still reeling from their divorces and want women who are much younger than their ex-wives. For those of us in our forties, that leaves the older gents (some of whom are great, but many of whom are just too old) and the young bucks.

    The younger men seem to hold women my age in higher regard and appreciate the whole person. They say older women treat them better, and women in their twenties are mean and fickle. Like others have posted, they also appreciate that we are comfortable financially and sexually–two things that take a lot of pressure off them in the relationship.

    I say go into a May-December romance with your eyes wide open. It may not be destined for a long life, but then again, it may be just what the parties need at the time. If you agree to have fun and re-evaluate if it starts to turn serious, why not?

  14. 34
    Tam

    Hi. I’m 44 and get hit on alot by younger guys. I have to agree with hem and say I don’t. I have one now who has a big crush on me and have a son 21. I’ve told him I thought the age thing was a huge issue and I run into him all the time and just grins (they are so adorable). Having to hide the fact that we would date would also be an issue for me.

  15. 35
    Jeanne

    This is so depressing and reinforces the sad mantra that all men are pigs. Its ok for men to be with women young enough to be their daughters but if the genders are reversed, the older woman is just a booty call.

  16. 36
    james

    Jeanne – that’s a very rude thing to say. Funny how you could boil down a couple pages of intelligent discussion in to such an assanine statement. All men are not “pigs”, but YOU are very RUDE.

  17. 37
    Cilla

    My 17-year-old son asked me over dinner the other night how my dating life was going. I told him about a few people and mentioned one guy who was interested in me, but the relationship wasn’t going anywhere because he was 29 and eventually wanted a family (I’m 47 and don’t want more kids).

    “Mom!” he cried. “That puts you in cougar territory. I don’t know if I can handle that.”

    I replied, “Wouldn’t you rather have a cougar mom than one of those dried up old farts that you see at school events?”

    He thought about it for a moment and said, “I guess so. I should be pretty proud to have a mom who is hot enough to date guys in their twenties.”

    If my own kid is OK with it, I don’t care what the rest of society thinks. Pretend you’re in Europe where anything goes!

  18. 38
    Lila

    There is a 21 year old guy interested in me and I am 30 years old. I am often told I look really young for my age but if people ask me about my age, I know that I will feel a bit self conscious. I am just used to dating men who are older.

    The other nite, he wanted me to meet his brother and go to a party with them. I agreed. His brother was nice but after an hour of only talking about all his drunken experiences, and the fact that he’s underage? Well, I was so bored, I just got out of there.

    Not to mention that I can’t imagine being at a party with underage drinking and the cops showing up… lol

    My friend says that I am acting like an old maid and that 9 years isn’t that big of a difference. To which, I told her she’s crazy.

  19. 39
    caley

    I am so confused!!! I am 34 and have been divorced for 5 years and I have a 5 year old son!! My son happens to be friends with a 7 year old who has a 20 year old brother and he litterally makes my stomach drop???!!! I am also very good friends with his mom. Is this just terrible? Since my divorce, I have dated but nobody made me laugh like this guy does? What do I do – should I just let it go? He seems to be interested but i’m not sure – HELP!!

  20. 40
    Alexy

    I am 44 and have been dating my guy who is 26 for over a year. I am involved in a number of areas of his life, we spend a lot of time together. And there are times he does not want to be in a committed relationship and I go with the flow, but lately he has been very jealous and does not want me dating other guys–sometimes I feel like he is my husband. If I try to end it, he does not want to end it–what does this say–I am not sure. I have fun, however I do go out on dates with other people. Should I take him seriously, not sure–for now I just enjoy our time together. We click on so many levels, we can talk for ours about everything, from sports, to CNN and NPR amongst other things.

    I have learned a lot from him and he has learned a lot from me.

    Who knows.

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