What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit

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Dear Evan,

I have been dating a man for nearly three months now and in the beginning everything was fine between us. He used to do things with me, but I was wondering why he never introduced me to his friends or why he never wanted to come over my house. After 1 1/2 months I realized that he started to change. He didn’t call meanymore and he started to see me less. I once broke up with him for a week, but we got back together again and now he has even less time for me. He doesn’t answer his phone automatically anymore when I call or he keeps it turned off. I’ve become real frustrated and mad with him. Now I haven’t talked to him for a couple of days to see if he would call me, but he doesn’t and I still see that he is online at a dating site. When I met him he was overweight, but started to lose so much weight. Now I have the feeling that he is not serious with our relationship and still wants to see and meet other women. Please tell me what to do.

Thanks,

Ingrid

Thank you, Ingrid, for the cringe-worthy email of the week.

Let’s quickly recap:

  • 3 month relationship. Half of it, he’s been acting different.
  • You broke up with him because he wasn’t seeing you enough.
  • Now that you’re together again, he’s seeing you less.
  • He doesn’t return calls. He doesn’t initiate calls.
  • Has lost weight and is dating other women online.

And you need me to tell you what to do?

If you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

How about I refer you here?

And here.

And here.

And here.

See, Ingrid, you’re not wrong for being confused or feeling frustrated at this guy. But from where I sit, your issue is not that unique. In fact, it’s the most popular question I get from readers.

“I really like him, but he doesn’t commit to me/call me/treat me well. What do I do?”

So instead of saying “He’s just not that into you” for the 400th time, I want to use your letter to illustrate a favorite concept that I discuss with clients.

It’s called “mirroring”.

Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.

If he calls you, call him back….

If he texts you, text him back.

If he tries to make plans with you, make plans with him.

If he tells you he loves you, tell him you love him back. (presuming, of course, that you do).

On the flip side, it also means that:

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he doesn’t call you, don’t call him.

If he doesn’t text you, don’t text him.

If he doesn’t make plans with you, don’t make plans with him.

If he doesn’t tell you he loves you, don’t tell him you love him.

This isn’t my version of “The Rules.” I’m not suggesting that you play games or refuse to return his calls or any of that crap. I’m saying that you should continue to be as real and authentic as you can be.

Just let him take the lead.

Because as I’ve said a number of times…

Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don’t mean a thing.

If he calls, if he makes plans, if he commits, he’s interested.

If he doesn’t — if you feel you have to remind him that you’re alive and interested – let him go. He doesn’t deserve you.

It hurts to hear hundreds of women asking me the same exact question and genuinely struggling for the answer that’s obvious to everyone but them.

So once and for all, to all the women reading this: You deserve a man who WANTS to be with you, not one who acts like he’s doing you a favor by returning your call.

Please, send this article to all of your friends and let them know as well.

There’s no reason I should have to write this again.

But we both know I will.

Join our conversation (151 Comments).
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Comments:

  1. 81
    Kristina

    Its the one you want that never calls and the one you don’t is blowing up your phone.

    1. 81.1
      Noemi

      Its the one you want that never calls and the one you don’t is blowing up your phone.

      It’s because you’re putting the one you want on a pedestal, while you’re acting like yourself with the one you can care less about. Change your attitude about the one you really want, and notice how the dynamic changes.

    2. 81.2
      Arrah

      Can totally relate… Lol

  2. 82
    N

    It’s not society. It’s the woman in question who let herself be treated like “a back pocket ho.”

    In a period of ambivalence post major break, and in the process of fighting the last fight against my willfulness into total submission, I summoned my energy to find an emotionally stable and   available man, intelligent, successful, attractive, who can provide me with affection and physical intimacy in my current life terms.

    Here and now, I enjoy the freedom to self-discovery and get my emotional and physical needs met by this man on my terms, not as a back pocket ho. But as a woman who clearly communicated her needs today. Sans expectations, relationship labels, and worries about tomorrow.

  3. 83
    Odyssey

    Sounds like you have a feeling of superiority or are trying to convince yourself that what you do means you are okay with it but I detect some self-righteous defensiveness. I get what you are going through but it ain’t over til it’s over so things are not always what they seem a few months down that road.

  4. 84
    Carol

    I agree!!! I have been mistreated for 2 years by an older man 56. He treated me like an option , never made time for me except for sex. With the occasional outing. I liked him a lot and allowed this to continue way too long. It was extremely hurtful.

    i gave it my all and got nothing in return. Never again will I allow this half ass excuse for a relationship. he is now older and alone. He still messages me , but I will never go back. I feel like a fool and wonder why I wasn’t good enough. I guess I need to look at it as ‘he’wasn’t good enough.

    I hear he chases younger women although his charm and looks are fading and his reputation is jaded. It’s rather pathetic.   I will never understand how someone can treat a person who cared for them so poorly. Guess karma is a reality for him theses days and rightly so!!

  5. 85
    Jacinth

    Whoah! Interesting posts,I dated a long-distance guy for a year,he got cold feet the week before I should have flown in from the Caribbean to meet him,broke up with me in what I called a perfect relationship. Did I cry and beg him to let us talk yes!he however asked me to move on .I blocked him,and followed the no contact rule,then after Six weeks I decided to unblock,whoah!

    He was calling and texting up to three times per day at times,so I texted him back,asking how I could help,he started his wailing,I wished him all the best,s and deleted him this time.

    Reading Evans   blogs changed my life forever,now Im’ dating someone better   in every sense of the word,not downplaying persons directly but….from a laborer to a lawyer   is a big jump and it keeps getting better and ….I don’t do date sex,yet have great relstionships. Thank you   Evan😃

     

  6. 86
    Chantal

    Sooo does this mean we should never initiate conversations…?

  7. 87
    Elizabeth Carre

    If you’re not both on the same page emotionally it’s not going to work.   That doesn’t make the other person a bad or mean person,   he/she can’t fake how they feel.   They can, however, act in a mature fashion and just say so rather than ghosting.

  8. 88
    Arrah

    Thanks, Evan. This has come at a good time for me and I’m going to put your “mirroring” theory to practice. I’m seeing this guy and I’m not too sure where he stands as regards feelings, but one thing I’m sure of is that I deserve to be with a guy who takes me seriously…at least as much as I am willing to take him. Much love from Nigeria…and again many thanks xoxo

  9. 89
    marnie

    Thank you for this post. I am in this stage.

    It is a wake up call. It is painful to give up on what we believe what is best.

    But what we believe is what is happening.

    Thank you so much.

  10. 90
    Chelsea

    Thank you for this post. I was dating someone for 14 months and felt as if he was stringing me along. He said that he seen us having a future a few times throughout dating. I recently   expressed to him that I didn’t want to keep dating without a proposal within two years of being together. He said he was not planning to propose. He told me he was tired of trying to work things out. All the “love” he said he had for me, quickly went away. I was devastated, but learning to move along. It’s not fair for anyone to waste time on someone who doesn’t want to commit. With time, things will get better and I will find someone who is looking for the same things.

  11. 91
    Calgary82

    Your articles are so awesome. Your answers are straightforward and end up confirming what I already know but don’t want to admit.

    I’ve been in this situation for 3 months, finally decided to walk away because his words didn’t match his actions. Tell me you want to see me all you want but a “home” date every couple of weeks just isn’t matching up.

  12. 92
    Caz

    Think men and mountains. If they can’t get over or round one for the woman they really want they will go through it. In other words nothing will stop a man if he’s really interested.   As soon as   a man blows cold on me I mirror and go no contact. If he texts 2-3 weeks later and I wish to engage then my choice. But real men will ring and want to hear the woman’s voice. One a first date if he asks me to check in about arrangements then no go, similarly if he can’t make the effort to get out of jeans and a T shirt as he isn’t making an effort for the woman. I’ll make an effort for a date in my dress to look good out of respect for myself and the man who asked me out.   I expect the man to have some sense of dress to reciprocate. and show me respect by making an effort. Also if you love enough you love to be able to let go. If what you let go returns then it is yours to keep. If it doesn’t you lost another douchebag and saved yourself a lot of hassle. Men want what they can’t have and the woman who kicks him to the kerb piques his interest and gets his respect more than the woman who hangs on and gives the milk for free, so yes he’ll either get his act together or not.

  13. 93
    Kate

    Why is it so easy to understand if it is someone else’s story, and almost impossible to comprehend when it happens to me…

    Looking back at two years of being breadcrumbed (fair enough, I had cancer) : hope, mainly pain and unrequited feelings. It all looks clearly now, told him I do not want any contact but the one question I’m left with : why could I not take this step much sooner? Why do we keep hoping for so long? I don’t understand (fair enough, I was ill) why I didn’t step out of it much sooner.

  14. 94
    Nathalie

    I’ve been seeing a guy for 7 months, ive met his family and friends, see him ever weekend and we have great fun.   We have been on holiday together and was planning on the next.   He has had two failed marriage and one long term relationship that I know about.   Apparently he had immense chemistry with both women but the long term relationship was more friendship and he didn’t want to marry her or have children.   He says that what we have is amazing, but he isn’t sure if something is missing…… desire?!   He says we are better than his past relationships and that he realises that immense chemistry doesn’t last.   We didn’t have a problem with our sex life… I meant we didn’t rip each others clothes off each time we met but all was good.   Then I found out he was seeing other women from a dating app….. he met one twice and kissed the other (that’s what I know about). This was whilst he was introducing me to his family……. I can work it out.   He says it may be fear of making another long term mistake or that what we have just isn’t enough…… his words last week were…… I have thought about you differently in the past few weeks (in a good way) and wondered if I made a mistake but haven’t been able to get to the point where I feel I could give you the commitment you deserve.

    Ive told him to leave me along as he kept texting sad faces etc and looking at my social media.

    What is wrong with him??

    1. 94.1
      Yet Another Guy

      It is called Bigger, Better Deal phenomenon.

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