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While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…
And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.
Is sex something worth breaking up over?
You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.
Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover — otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.
The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.
It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.
See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.
His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.
It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.
People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.
Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.
Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”
And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos — closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth — so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do — assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.
This is what adults do — assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.
If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme — a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc — you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.
One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.
So once that’s off your head — and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.
You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.
Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.
Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s important to you. So all that matters is whether she can live, happily, with this level of sex. It’s a simple yes or no question for me.
I love your reponses!
The age of the couple involved was not mentioned. Maybe there is a medical issue to be resolved? Vigorous weight training can increase testosterone and libido. So can improved nutrition. So can injecting some variety( change of look, venue, etc ). IMO if the partner is not willing to try these things then there is a a problem.
Like EMK said, guys with high libidos are common, so maybe you can find a guy with a high libido who has at least several of the other qualities you like in your BF.
If men with high libidos are easy to find, why do I keep getting stuck with duds? married over 20 years to one, 10 years with the second one, I know people who have more sex in 1 year than I’ve had in the last 20 years.
most recent relationship haven’t had sex in 1.5 years now, I may be older, but I’m not dead yet. that is why I left my marriage, and why I am thinking about walking away again, sex is important to me, and I have learned that this issue never gets any better, it is a deal breaker for me.
I am so relieved to hear women complain about getting no play. I thought it was women with low libidos. I’m less confused after reading some of the comments. I feel like rotting fruit. My wife gives me no attention. She loves me but I don’t feel appreciated in the ways I need to. I always keep my self clean and am in great shape. I could understand why some women don’t feel attracted to their husbands. Most are out of shape and have given up with beer bellies. I’ve given my wife some of my best years and can garuntee that I won’t get sex this year. I have sex once a year or two for the last eight years. I’m so sad;(
See that really sucks its also hard not to take personal
Wow, dude that’s really depressing…I’m sorr!!! Im in a similar situation, my bf and i only have sex once a week!!!! I want it everyday or atleast 3-4 times a week but no. He sais its cause he’s tired from going to gym nd working nights, but i do the same work nd workout in the mornings plus im a mom. I still want it a lot more than once a week….im also so saddd!!! :'(
Ross I feel the same. I feel like I work out I look good dress well smell nice cook clean take care of his laundry our kids the least I could get is some nookie. I feel like madge sex is a deal breaker for me that I have had several affairs to get sex but I’m too much of a coward to leave. I would love sex everyday anywhere anytime. Especially if my man loves me and appreciated me. I get neither. I thought all the above makes for an awesome wife. I guess I’m wrong.
Divorce your wife,if you are in great shape and if you get sex once a year that is not worth the staying in that marriage.
I have the same issue. My husband is very overweight and over 50. It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, etc. I don’t agree with it, but can almost understand why people look elsewhere. Very sad.
that’s horrible I don’t think that any marriage should be that way I wouldn’t stay in it !!! I would find someone who appreciates me and the effort I put in and someone who wants to be intimate with me on a regular basis you deserve better than that ! You deserve love like anyone else !
Oh gosh. That’s so sad. Its okay women with higher libidos are stuck with idiots that say no to sex. *rolls eyes*
I wish I had a husband like you
I wish we could talk. Been with the same man for almost 12 years, I work out and take care of my body. We have 3 kids (2 c sections) but I’m still attractive I think. But just rejection after rejection. 🙁
I spent the last 9 years with a good guy works hard that’s care of me .but sex is 4 times a month and half of the time sucks because he lazy we fright over this.am was very unsatisfied and started hateing sex my self.then I started wanting to cheat, then I said fuck it am leaving him we don’t connect, we are not sister and brothers you my men.I have needs its not being for filled ,am not happy.am single now and meet a guy we have sex a lot he good to me but not as good as the guy I was with as far as spoiling me but am happier
sorry for annoying you..i had the same problem with my husband …i spent 2 year with him..sex also is 4 times a month..but in the beginning of marriage we did more…but i still with him till now, i want continue with you but ..you may not interested …
regards
Maybe you need to be really honest with the soon to be husband about the importance of sex in your life. You can also try to fix things with your current husband, Viagra could be a solution.
EXACTLY! Where on earth does she get this idea from that men with high libidos are so easy to find!? It’s way way WAY easier to find marriage material than to find a man who wants you every night! If the writer has an endless pool of highly sexed men she better start sharing details, because in my experience, they simply don’t exist!
I hate to say this but really. Men are way stressed out. They are the ones most likely to have heart attacks. Why not give them oral it helps get them in the mood. When was the last time miss grouchy pants made the effort to make his fav. meal? It’s an emotional thing. Spend too much $? Money is a massive stressor to men.you can’t expect them to preform if you are not doing their share. Sex is not about sex is the spotlight on other things wrong in the relationship.Maybe having a kid waking up every night is an issue. You have to look at the bigger issue and leaving only makes a bigger mess. It’s the little things that turn men on. Being demanding like a boss is another duty he has to perform. You perform first. Buy the reasonable priced nightie wear the perfume you wore on your first date. Look hot when he comes in the door. Put make up on just for him. Love is supposed to be unconditional not based if your screaming and having sweaty hot sex every night. If you are selfish in other parts of the relationship men don’t want to sleep with stingy girls. They want a girl to go all out for them. If you can’t do that you don’t deserve sex. Treat your man like a King he will do anything for you. If he is not then you might be doing something wrong.
Gotta say that Elisabeth made a good point. It is worth asking ourselves, as women, if we are doing anything to make our men happy. I’m not getting a lot of sex, like once a month. And at 24 years old, 5’1″, 100lbs, and in my best shape ever thanks to training, I feel very neglected. Unhappy. My boyfriend has plenty of qualities and i would marry him tomorrow if it wasn’t for lack of sex.
BUT. I know that I need to be a little more positive. Non judgemental with him. Be patient. Put on makeup every now and then. Wear nice clothes. Take care of my own happiness. Reassure myself without being needy with him. Being in a relationship take work and both parties have responsabilities.
We are currently seeing a therapist so that we get better at not rejecting one another. I am hopeful that it will help us. That we will get better. We have to. Otherwise I won’t stay with him. Once a month is not enough.
At first I thought my situation was very similar to the writer but then when she said up to 9 times a month I thought to myself damn ID be happy with at least that 🙁 my fiance has NO sex drive…AT ALL….and mine is VERY high….I find myself always moody and “thinking” rather than the happy and carefree person I normally am 🙁 i also feel unwanted, rejected, unnatractive and a bunch of other emotions a girl (or man) does not wamt to feel. I love my fiance very very much but when I try to think of spending the REST of my life in a sexless or barely active sex life I’m not sure I can do it 🙁 it kills me because, like the writer, I do love everything else about him 🙁 and to top it off, when we rarely do have sex (once for about 3 minutes in the past 6 months) he’s not into it like me. He doesn’t give oral and doesn’t really care to receive it either and he always wants me on top…..I enjoy both giving and receiving oral and while I don’t mind being on top sometimes I also love the feeling of looking up at him during sex and…well…it just turns me on. So even if his sex drive were to return, while I’d be content I wouldn’t be thrilled…however, ID accept that because of all of his other qualities. I guess I’m a slightly kinky person ( to a point) and he is VERY conservative. However, as I say it’s come to NO sex life at all. When we talk about it he seems a bit upset and says he doesn’t know what’s going on, he’s never had this issue, and sex (while not thrilling) was at least “happening” when we first started dating. He doesn’t even watch porn any more, which he used to enjoy. I do not believe he is cheating on me at all but he doesn’t seem concerned to work on the issue and I am. I don’t know what to do 🙁 I feel constantly torn and constantly wondering if this is what it’s going to be like forever….will things get better…ever….and can i (or do i want to) accept the way things are. It sounds selfish and I’m ashamed to say it but thinking I’ll never ever experience oral sex again for the rest of my life….that depresses me 🙁 is that weird? he also makes me feel “dirty’ because he says I put too much emphasis on sex like it’s the most important thing….I do feel it’s important, not the MOST IMPORTANT, but I feel a healthy sex life is important…
Confused said: “my fiance has NO sex drive…AT ALL”
There could very well be a physical or emotional reason behind this. I would suggest that the both of you seek counseling with a proper sex counselor. Vastly unequal sex drives can break up a relationship.
Confused said: “i also feel unwanted, rejected, unnatractive and a bunch of other emotions a girl (or man) does not wamt to feel.”
I was married for nine years. We dated for two years before. Immediately after marriage, my wife cut sex to almost zero. In nine years we had sex somewhere between 8 and 10 times. Barely once a year. So I totally understand your feelings. for me, it eventually became too much to bear, and the lack of sex was part of the determining factor as to why I divorced her.
Confused said: “I don’t know what to do I feel constantly torn and constantly wondering if this is what it’s going to be like forever….will things get better…ever….and can i (or do i want to) accept the way things are.”
I would strongly recommend seeking help from a professional on the subject.
Confused said: “It sounds selfish”
I don’t think so at all. People have needs. There are certain needs that are required from a partner or spouse. If they cannot meet those needs, often it causes a failure of the relationship. Best to be honest with them, and seek counseling if you wish to stay together.
I wish fate had sent us together Heidi. I am the type of “man you are looking for”.
I am frustrated with the universe for being dealt the massive sex drive card and the single sex partner who has no interest.
I have wasted my young adventurous exploration years with a single woman who continued to “work” on the issue with no result.
twice a month!???? Twice a day.
*frustrated dad*
All of you people complaining that you only get some once a month need to realize that there are plenty of us out here who haven’t been with someone in years, even a decade, or more.
So quit whining.
They say that every cell in the human body is replaced every seven years — so 3 years ago I became a virgin again…
How can you be so butthurt? I think you need to get laid.
Do you, Madge. Go find yourself a man who can match you, or better, wear you out!!!
Madge i was in the same situation. Seems to be a pattern in all my relationships. I questioned my sanity at times. The last one was for 20 plus years. I felt like i was in a desert for 40 years. It takes its toll on you for sure. But it was that& others things that made me leave. I have been with a wonderful man the past few years. Everything I always wanted & more. But lately things have been going on that are stressing him out. I’ve realized that i was being a bit immature in getting so upset. I hurt his feelings. I guess my thinking of the past & “not getting it” makes me insecure when i should be more understanding. I think quality is as important as anything. Its such a personal thing. I say weigh the pros and cons. But at the ssme time, couples with vastly different libidos are not going to be happy, unless they are very understanding of each other.
You’re probably well over 50 now and you’e still worried about sex?
Sister, I need your number or at least some way to connect with you. No idea why sex is considered something you have to “weigh” against a man’s other ATTRIBUTES. My god…
I honestly believe that the idea that men have a high libido is a concept that came about merely a result of the difficulty of women to openly talk about or express their sexual energy without being looked down upon in the past. Men have been able to talk about their sex lives without fear of being called a whore for a long time, so they get all the credit for apparently having a stronger sex drive, while women can still be looked down upon for embracing their sexuality. It is one sided to assume one gender has a higher libido than the other and quite frankly there is no way to completely prove such theories anyways.
Excellent point!
6-9 times a month?! That is normal/average for most long term couples, and pretty darn good for parents of young children. If she said they rarely had sex i would agree they may not be compatible. I’d suggest she look a little deeper into herself, there may be more going on for her it sounds to me like frequency is not the real issue.
Right? This lady is a freaking barracuda. My issue, which is why I found this article, is that we hardly have any intimacy at all, and we’re both male. I feel like a crotchety old man, “MY old lady blah blah blah.” lol
Lily you are being unfair. Just because you don’t have a high sex drive, doesn’t mean this poor woman isn’t feeling rejected when her boyfriend isn’t interested in sex when she is. Once a week may be fine for you but don’t assume every other woman is the same
I actually am in the same boat. I want sex more often than my husband but I actually agree that I’m being selfish. It took me years of whining to get that.
If he doesn’t have the urge for sex with me, I should still be grateful he does have sex once a month. I work (he doesn’t which may contribute to him not feeling up to sex), I work out at the gym (which may make him feel less attractive – he does have a pot belly but I still find him hot because of our years together) and mostly he’s an adorable kind man who is a wonderful father to our daughters which is the hottest thing to most women, he also does the dishes occasionally too. Consider what he’s going through before taking it personally. It must be hard on him (pardon the pun lol) to get it up for me since I had a rocking teenagers body. It’s not a personal issue. It’s just their libido.
We had a mismatched libido when we were teenagers (when we got together I always wanted to makeout and he didn’t). I use my hands every night before bed and it fixes the problem. I also seek out intimacy often by hugging him and playing up to him.
Maybe you are after connection not sex. It took me years to figure that one out.
Shit 6-9 a month, wow that is pretty good…if I get some 3-4 timeS in a month I’m lucky, not mentioning I usually have to ask for it, even tho I like oral and try to do all the good potions and making sure he feels good, and then I hear that he’s tired, not in the mood. When I see him he’s not horny, but when we dong see eachother he’s horny and he jerks off. I don’t get it. He’s healthy, works out, same with me. I just don’t get it anymore. I’m going to stop asking, I guess I just have to get use to it.
Omg I just noticed all the spell mistakes I made and my auto correct was on. I’m sorry for my spelling.
I think someone who is such great husband material would recognize the importance of this issue and try to find ways to try to satisfy her without sacrificing himself. A simple ‘i don’t feel like it so it’s not happening’ isn’t a good problem-solving model for a couple, no matter what the problem is.
that is so true Jennifer, it is a very selfish decision on his part.
As Steve said, medical or psychological tests might be in order, but if her boyfriend isn’t interested in working on this, it will only get worse. First, rule out the obvious causes: low testosterone level, medications the boyfriend is taking, alcohol abuse. Couples therapy may be in order. I’m also wondering how old they are, and if the boyfriend has always been this way. After 3 years together, sex is only going to get less and less frequent over time. And yes, I’ve known couples who have broken up over this issue – in two of the cases, one of the partners turned out to be gay. It’s not just the physical act of sex that is missing, it’s the physical closeness, bonding, and intimacy.
If my boyfriend wanted to break up with me because my libido wasn’t as high as his, I’d be heartbroken. I would hope he would find some way to talk to me about it that would let me know how important it is to him, instead of just breaking it off with me. It sounds like she has had multiple discussions with him about this, but maybe he doesn’t know just how serious it is for her. Maybe if he knew she was considering ending the relationship, he would be more willing to compromise and find a way for their sex life to be mutually satisfying. It would be a shame to end a good thing over something like this, that’s a lot of time and emotion invested, I would try my best to make it work.
Buy a vibrator. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.
that does not work! You can masterbate all day, but it leaves you wanting more from your partner in the end. The vibe is not the same as sex.
Vibrators are rubbish when it is actual sex with a warm, loving human being that is lacking. Yeah you get an orgasm but it leaves you feeling cold and empty and sad because it is not about the orgasm it is about the intimacy.
It may not be every thing, but is truly important to those of us living.
To me its pretty important. Especially since he isn’t even trying to help her by working on it.
‘Course you could always turn the situation around and stop having sex with him altogether. Just take care of yourself as often as you need to. Bet you’d have an interesting conversation after that. Find some middle ground in between your two positions.
Here is the honest answer…….It may not sound all nice and pretty but this is it:
She did not mention their ages and that is a huge factor so I will give 2 answers based on age. If she is a female that is already in her mid 30’s and they are planning on getting engaged and she wants kids, she should stick with him. He has wonderful qualities that would make for a great husband and she does not have the time to risk the break up and finding another person IF kids are important! Fertility drops for a woman at 35!
However, if she is in her 20’s (or even 30 aprox) and has the time, she should LEAVE!!!! Seriously, sex IS important. It is obv very important to her or she would not have written the letter. Leave and find someone that rocks your world in the bedroom and makes you feel hot and desired!!!! And he can also be a nice guy 🙂 Compromise is necessary (as Evan says) but don’t compromise on the sex. It does not sound like you want to and I don’t think you should.
Unfortunately women do have to think about their age which is why I gave 2 different answers.
Good luck!!!
I totally agree with you on this.
Nobody should have to compromise on sex to this extent. Sex is an expression of love towards the person that you are with, it should never be given as a reluctant affair. It is in no way superficial to feel desire for another person and no one should be made to feel guilty for feeling this way.
While i think breaking up here would be pretty selfish and self defeating… i do think that the guy could obviously try to mitigate this by using alternative methods. He doesn’t need to always ‘rise to the occasion’. he could go down on her, or use an assortment of toys to help her along.
that being said, i’ve had my share of arguments with feminists declaring in uncertain terms that a woman’s vagina is not the property of the boyfriend and not there just to sexually service a penis at his every whim. i wonder what they would say in this situation. is he only a penis to service her or a full person (and apparently exceptional one from her descrip of him)
easy answer is to just let hubby know when you’re horny and tell him you’ll bake him a nice cake or his favorite dish if he helps you reach the big O. just joking about the cake part… if he cares about you, he’ll want you to be pleasured.
I am willing to wager tht you have not discussed this with your BF. Perhaps you are practicing here to see what the market considers reasonable.
I recommend that you spice things up! There is so much stress these days that it is affecting everyone and the bedroom is really catching it too!
Making the effort to heat up the sex is a lot easier than replacing a good man!
It actually says that they fight about it all the time so he knows it upsets hEr? I am in this situation right now. My fiancé is 48 and I’m 40. He would be happy with sex once a month . In fact if I never initiate sex we would probably never have it. He’s had everything checked medically he’s fine. He does not have ED. When we do have sex he’s extremely selfish in bed it’s basically me servicing him! It was not always like this. We are only together a year and a half! I’m in good shape I make efforts to look nice. I tried to speak to him many times in a calm manner but nothing helps. I’m not sure that you can ever discuss low libido with a man without offending them. I feel unattractive but that’s not the biggest issue it’s lack of intimacy. I don’t feel connected at all. I don’t understand why men are like this? Is it my fault? I am very adventurous I never turn him down I’m up for whatever?
I agree with Abby but will add one more age if you are over 45 and both of you have grown kids. I have a very high sex drive, always have and I was married for 9 years to someone that had a very low sex drive. Granted I am older and wiser and realize that you can not get everything out of a relationship, but with kids out the way now I am glad that my current SO has a drive closer to mine. When my kids were young I was OK with less sex, too tired to matter, but now it is a very different situation.
I am experiencing this issue at the moment with my bf. We are both on mid 30’s no children at all. We are living together for more than a year. I tried all my best to help him but hes not into it. I told him that I am sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. He told me that hes tired and working long hours and he is not horny as me. He always says just help yourself if you want. He is also a loving bf but his libido is very low and not even willing to do something about it. Sometimes, I was thinking to find another man but im afraid he might be as loving as my current one but at the en dof the day I feel very unhappy when it comes to bed. Dont also know what to do if I will take the risk of looking for another man.
I feel the same way. My bf is 37 and I’m 24. I have no idea how or when to ask him for sex anymore he rejects me 99% of the time and we end up arguing about it a lot. I too fear if I leave him, I will not find anyone else who will love me for me. Sextually I’m SO FRUSTRATED and very unhappy when I bed. He tells me he dosent like it when he sees the toys out. When he comes home from work he feels.. Like i dont know insecure? Or like im cheating on him with it. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I laughed bitterly when I read this post. 6-9x a month sounds like heaven! My bf and I are 42 and for us it’s once every 3-4 months. I’ve started discretely talking to friends about it and they ALL have the same complaint. The men just have no/very low sex drives. Several of these friends are now actively cheating or considering it now. Before anyone gets all down on the morally of it. A few of these women haven’t had sex in 10+ years. Staying for kids, financial stability, friendship…whatever. If your partner is unwillingly to help find a compromise I am not going to judge anyone who steps out for sex.
This could be my life. Loving and caring but low sex drive. Used to have sex 3 times a month in the first year. Now we haven’t had sex in almost two years. I want kids and I’m over 35 so it’s too late to run but if you can RUN! Sex is important, not just because of the orgasms but because of the intimacy. My husband is a stranger I live with and all those qualities that made me stay are useless now because I don’t feel like I have a partner.
2 YEARS I WOULD RUN! I bet he’s watching porn or cheating it’s basically the same thing.
Just curious what ended up happening in your relationship as I am in the exact same situation now.
This is a subject very close to my heart – I ended up leaving BOTH my husbands over this issue. I’m not looking for sex every night, but I am looking for someone who will meet me half way, and it doesn’t sound as though this girl’s “wonderful” boyfriend is doing that. She says they have fought about it many times, since early in the relationship which means a) the subject has been broached and B) sadly, nothing has changed. Unfortunately, this is very common in a situation where the man has a lower sex drive than the woman – she becomes unhappy, she raises the issue, he does not respond to her unhappiness with any kind of compromise. There are many women who have sex more often than they would naturally choose to in order to keep their partner happy and their relationship healthy, but men just don’t do that. I participated in an online forum for couples with clashing libidos for a couple of years and this point emerged very clearly. So the OP has to take on board that THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.
Ultimately, for me, the problem became not so much the lack of sex but the fact that my partner was not prepared to take my unhappiness into account, irrespective of the particular issue involved(in this case, sex). Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable. It is extremely hard to leave a man you love (and desire sexually) because of this issue, but the longer you leave it the more you are investing in a relationship that is ultimately going to crumble anyway – no relationship can survive in a healthy form with such a major defect at its core.
This is by far the best answer I’ve read.
I agree katie
Helene thank you for this .. looking for answers . I’ve been in a relationship for just over 2 years and sometimes we don’t have sex for a month -6 weeks my confidence has hit rock bottom . He is everything I love apart from this !and feel selfish to even be thinking of leaving him .. but I’ve lost that close Ness we had !and I’m very unhappy about the lack off sex .
SOOOO well said!!!!
To me 2X per week is okay. However, I wonder about the quality – is she satisfied in those times? If it is good and everything else is good I agree with Stephen in #7.
@ Mike #10, I admit I haven’t argued with the feminists, but pretty sure the majority of women that are married/in LTRs, habitually meet their husbands or BF’s halfway and have sex when they don’t really feel the urge to. Like Helene said, they’re doing it to keep their husbands happy and the relationship healthy. There’s always a middle ground and most couples manage to find theirs.
@ Valley Forge Lady #11, the OP says they have discussed it so many times, she’s given up because discussing it usually gets her nowhere.
We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel.
Personally I find his reaction a bit surprising, given that it is coming from a man who is the OP’s “best friend”. I thought friends helped each other out, no? Not drawing any conclusions, just trying to wrap my head around it… can’t he ever say yes for a change??
We can easily say yes when we are not in the mood to please our men, but… theres a BUT Men need to get an erection, women can fake it.
It’s a coincidence that this is the topic. I’ve just ended a relationship due to this matter. I addressed the issue early on, and at first he seemed open but later became angry and unresponsive. I understand that this is a tender subject with men, but I feel it is important for both parties to do what it takes to satisfy the other because if you’re not going to make the effort with the one you love then what’s the point? He was getting the emotional connection that he sought; however, my needs were not being met. It began to strain the relationship, and the more I brought it up, the angrier he would become. Honestly, it wasn’t worth fighting about. The energy that was invested in arguing about it could have easily been spent in a more constructive way. It was sad to leave because I felt that it was a shallow decision, but I began to feel lonely and rejected and couldn’t take it anymore. Good luck to you! No matter what you choose, it won’t be easy.
You hit the nail on the head in my relationship except it’s my gf with the non-existent sex drive. Like you, I addressed this early on and she seemed open about our compatability but now, 2 1/2 years later she’s very angry and unresponsive when I bring the issue up. She’s getting her “emotional connection and staying in her comfort zone” while my needs go unmet. Now all we do is argue about it when I question her about how I’m feeling about this. So now I’m contemplating leaving because I feel so lonely, rejected and undesirable. I’m older so I fear it will be harder to find someone who shares the same ideas and desires as I do but I just can’t ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I hope you have moved on and found the happiness you deserve.
It is certainly something that can be a deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion this is one of the most important parts of a relationship as it is a way in which people can share a connection with one another.
@AQ
It’s not the lack of orgasm. I’m sure she could take care of it herself. It’s being made to feel undesirable with seems to be killing her libido when he is into it. Regardless it’s not a good sign if a guy only wants sex twice a week.
Exactly. I don’t know about people with low sex drive, but I think people with normal sex drives want to feel desirable to their loved one. We want to feel like our partner LUSTS for us all the time. This makes us feel alive and whole. It is a form of love.
This sensual, magic, delicious, ecstatically alive dimension of existence can only be shared with our partner. We can get friendship and everything else with friends, family, etc.
Isn’t lovemaking part of the definition of a partner? If you can’t enjoy this with someone, if they don’t want you in this way, what is the point of even being with them?
I feel like my sexuality is a huge part of who I am. I was in a marriage with a man who was not sexually in tune with himself, never mind with me. A super genius who was totally cut off from his body and sexuality. I tried to live without feeling sexy and desirable because I loved his intelligence and the fact that he loved my intelligence. But I felt like a big part of me was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
We would have been better off remaining friends. Maybe everyone in a sexually frustrating relationship should ask themselves if they would be happier just being friends with their partner. And if this question makes you realize you would not even enjoy them as a friend, then you REALLY need to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with them.
Leaving my ex was a second chance at being alive. I’m so sorry I stayed half dead for as long as I did.
I am in a relationship with a very masculine, sexually skilled and confident man who is obsessed crazy in lust with me. He adores me and loves me madly. He makes me feel so cherished, young, beautiful, irresistibly sexy, playful, wild, free, soft, sweet and deeply feminine. I float with joy every day. No matter what else is going on in life, he and I share this amazing amazing dimension of existence. It’s like living in a whole different world where we are always happy.
Don’t remain partly dead any longer. Leave now. It is so so so worth it.
As for everyone’s partners who are not interested in making love to them and don’t desire them… if it’s friendship they want, fine, stay friends. If they don’t want this, and they suffer from you leaving them – I will give you advice the marriage counsellor gave me:
It is not your job to sacrifice your life for this person. No one is going to give you a medal. In fact, if you leave this person, they have a chance to be with someone who is better suited to them.
Hi Josie, I know this is a super old post, but I was wondering if you are still in this relationship as it sounds more like you’re in a honeymoon phase. Totally serious question. I feel I’m with the same, highly intelligent but sweet and humble guy and we are intimate 2-3 times a week on good weeks. His libido is low but I also know he is totally connected to me emotionally. It’s only been almost 3.5 years for us. We have spoken about marriage but he worries about my feeling rejected in the long run with our mismatched libidos.
Evan- i agree with most of your advice, most of the time, but not now. Compromising on sex is not the same as compromising on education, religion, height, age, etc. It is something that deeply affects a relationship everyday. Being sexually compatible sets the tone for the entire relationship. Most discord in any relationship has it’s roots in the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction. If you don’t believe me, read any of Diana Richardson’s books, namely, Tantric Orgasm For Women. Also, you implied a couple of times in your response that this woman wants sex every night….I never heard her say that. She certainly wants more sex than she’s getting and that is a serious issue. In this day and age, women are sexually empowered. If she stays in the relationship and is perpetually dissatisfied, sooner or later she will seek out a lover elsewhere, and who would blame her?
And a note to Saint Stephen… hello…. a vibrator just doesn’t cut it. Your comment is clueless, and an insult to us women.
I love what you said.
Josie, You are 100% correct. I am 55 and lived this life as a man. If you have brought it up, discussed, been patient, waited, fantasized, waited some more, been tender, denied your own needs and your partner still doesn’t get it? Leave.. it isn’t even just about erections. It’s about intimacy and feeling as if your partner lives you more than anything.
The mind games and self esteem issues are to big to ignore. Leave leave leave.
I have plenty of friends, I need someone who loves me!
Wowza Sara – Every woman wants GREAT GREAT sex – especially tantra and all of that. I think there is a bell curve for what is okay to great – but there is certainly bad where “he comes first” and that is it. Blucko.
Raise your standards, girls!! I mean bottom line is that he has an interest and also wants to have great sex and please his partner.
I am wondering if he is really tired from work – like really stressed or working too many hours? Or if he is working out a whole lot. Those things can really affect a relationship.
I really like the photo illustrating this blog post. Good photography and good looking models who are not model-perfect.
@Sara 20, I’m a woman, and that was my first thought — she should go to goodvibrations.com. I totally agree with Saint Stephen and didn’t feel the least bit insulted. If the writer has 80% or more of what she’s looking for in a husband, she ought to thank her lucky stars. There is no such thing as 100% compatibility in every area. And to those suggesting the man should “do something” about his lesser sex drive, that’s like saying he should “do something” about his nationality or height. Once you rule out medical problems, you have to face the fact that some people are going to want a lot of sex and some simply don’t. If you can’t deal with that, leave. Only she can decide.
I would highly recommend reading “Mars and Venus in the bedroom” by John Gray. It can provide some new insights to you. Oh, and BTW, your boyfriend can up the ante a bit. Sometimes, you guys can just have some foreplay and then he can just help you have an orgasm and that would be fine. Since you already have a higher sex drive, you would probably need less foreplay.
That was the story of my marriage as well. Like everyone has said, sex is one of the pillars of healthy relationship (the others are chemistry, communication and compatibility). It’s HUGE. If one pillar is wobbly, it can’t sustain the relationship for long.
When sex works it’s 10% of relationship -so yes, it’s not everything. But when it doesn’t, it becomes 90%. Because it’s one of the pillars.
And no, please…. sex in relationship isn’t replaceable by vibrators. You don’t emotionally bond with your vibrator but you need to bond with your partner through sex. If not relationship rots over time. Slowly but surely.
Only marry those whom you are sexually compatible with. Those who belittle your sex drive and take it personally that you want more than they do are not worth your salt in the long run. It’s a major red flag. They’re not wrong for not wanting as much sex as you, they are just wrong for you. Everyone’s needs are different.
Granted, to have all the pillars sound and strong is mighty difficult. It’s rare to find someone you can feel right in all those areas at the same time. But if you want longevity in your relationship, never settles. It’ better to be alone now than being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you. It’s damned if you stay, damned if you leave. The worst feeling ever.
I make a promise to myself, no matter how much I like/love a guy, if our sex life isn’t up to my minimum standard, he’s out. I’d rather date many guys and experience different guys sexually than being in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t fulfill me sexually. It just won’t work.
YES!
I think any person, male or female, finds the lack of sex or disinterest in sex a deal breaker in the relationship long term. The lack of closeness, bonding and satisfaction with your partner will drive you apart if you can’t find some sort of middle ground where both partners needs are being met.
We don’t know if there is any sort of medical issue with her boyfriend but if she has been fighting with him about this for several years there is a problem.
It depends how much she acutally loves him. Sex is always the cherry on top of the cake and there is so much more to loving your partner than just sex.
What would she do if something happened to her boyfriend and sex was not possible anymore? An accident or medical issue? Would she dump the guy or do what lots of other people do who really love their partner. stay with them and do what it takes to make them happy no matter what?
After all, it’s not their fault.
A friend’s wife has Parkinsons disease and sex is no longer possible. He does go out with occasionally other women very discreetly but still loves his wife and would never do anything to hurt her and would never leave her. Is what he is doing wrong? He is just taking an occasional break from having to watch his wife die a little more every day.
Sometimes life sucks!
So, what’s important in the long run?
Funny this is the second time I have checked out this blog that relates directly to my current situation. I am a woman in my late 30s that would love sex twice a week….but because of my BFs low sex drive I’ve compromised to once a week and he can’t even handle that on a consistent basis…..we’ve had so many discussions its crazy. It’s only been two years and it really pains me to break up over this but I’ve come to the realization this is a larger issue w him re intimacy problems. He is very affectionate and leaves I love you notes for me to try to make up for it but I also want to feel wanted and desired. Been told I look great for my age so it isn’t like I am bad to look at. I’ve stayed knowing that you do need to compromise but the sacrifice to your self esteem still ends up eroding the relationship. It will only get worse.
ive been reading all of these comments and feeling that it could be me writing that letter. I’ve been with my guy for 2 years. The sex was hot and heavy and erotic to begin with. There is nothing vanilla about him. We moved in together 8 months ago and suddenly his sex drive dived. We have sex once a week. Only on a Saturday morning and always from behind. He doesn’t look at me. We’ve been to a counsellor and I continue to raise this with him explaining that it’s hurting me and the relationship. I love him. I know he loves me. He masturbates which makes me think he’s just not attracted to me. To get any attention I have to jump through circus hoops. Dress up etc. my self esteem has nose dived. I spend a lot of time googling in the hope of finding answers. And here I am.
dear sad lover ,
mostly am the same case of you , we have been married 2 years ago , he was sexually better in the beginning and now he is very tired and some times he escape from me, by saying not in mood ,staff like that ,and our time is saturday night , once a week as you , to be honest , i start now to control him very well and overcome him in our daily life , that help alot in my problem with him, i start to point ..why he is not sexually good, but i dont know what to do ?
regards
Leave him. Before you feel even worse about yourself. I know. I’ve been there. See my comment above.
If he is only having sex with you once a week because he has a low sex drive it’s understandable but if he is mastrubating. That’s just BULLSHIT!!! If his watching porn that’s like cheating.. Run…
Your post has given me some comfort. My issue is it’s my gf with the non-existent sex drive. Going on 3 years now and she’s like your bf, she’s affectionate and warm and we get along fine outside of an intimacy life. Like you, I’ve stayed around for compromise but after we have a discussion nothing ever changes and I’ve thought now it’s more of an issue that’s deeper than sex. We went to a councilor but she only went one time and won’t go back. But my self esteem is gone and I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster and I’m convinced it’s only going to get worse from my standpoint.
Leave him. I was dead inside for 8 years, thinking the way you are. See my comment above.
SDF: if he boned you an extra 2x a week just because you wanted some, even though he didn’t really want some, would you be satisfied?
Thank you. Your comment made it very simple for me. Appreciate that you leave no judgement. Sad realization, but no, I won’t be happy if he was just doing it for me. The clarity is gratifying, and so very heartbreaking. I love him so much…
I wouldn’t tell a man who wasn’t getting enough sex to just suck it up and I wouldn’t tell it to a woman. Like it or not, a sex life is a big part of a relationship and it has to work for both people for the relationship to be happy.
I also wouldn’t tell someone who wants sex more than most people that they have an abnormally high drive. Vice-versa for “low drive” people. If that is their biochemistry, that is normal for them. Their challenge is to find a partner who matches up with them.
Several people have posted accounts of lower sex drive BFs. I take it these are not men in their 20s or 30s? Why do there seem to be so many? I know women peak near their 40s. As a group they also tend to take better care of their health than men at that age.
I’m tempted to think hard work schedules and stress play a part, but women work now too. I’ve heard married women with jobs and kids complain that those two endeavors kill their mood. Maybe some women with lighter jobs or jobs that give them energy are pairing up with guys whose careers sap theirs? Then there is boredom with a particular partner.
Outside of those things there are the ordinary factors of poor nutrition, lack of exercise, higher weights, lack of adequate sleep, etc.
Did I miss anything in terms of what might account for a low libido?
Two things, for what it’s worth:
a) Lack of prior experience. Not everyone is born with a tremendous ability to please a partner sexually (whether or not said pleaser is personally comfortable with sex) nor was sexual intimacy a part of their growing up or adolescence. I can speak from personal experience that many people in my position were never even offered the chance for sexual expression by the opposite sex in their youth, and were it to occur would find it extremely awkward, regardless of the enthusiasm I or they might have.
b) Neuroleptic/psychotropic medication; in my case it was both antidepressants and atypical antipsychotics from my teenage years onwards. I realize that not everyone reading this will ever require involved psychiatric treatment for any length of time, but I submit that most modern medications intended for the assited treatment of bipolar (manic/depression) disorder, anxiety and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorders pull one’s libido down through the basement, even if someone like me ends up meeting a compatible partner. I do masturbate infrequently but it is a rarity compared to what I perceive the norm for orgasmic expression to be for most sexually active adults.
That said, I don’t mean to put myself forward as being ‘typical’ sexually; I suspect I’m not even close. But I thought it was worth putting my two cents in.
@Nodzh nor Bittner nor Pipe thanks for your two cents, epecially your section b) responce. As a partner of someone on medication that affects their libido I’m glad someone mentioned their own experience with this. I love my partner but this has caused some fights, though I know it is not my partners fault as the medication is a must to keep SO healthy and well. This is still an issue for us, is there anything you have found that helps you with this situation?I understand not to pressure your partner but we are in our mid twenties and it’s hard to not to start feeling unwanted when asking for sex with SO becomes more like nagging. I don’t know if this forums active anymore….
@Goldie #16
Oh i agree, if he doesn’t want to meet her halfway and try the other things as i discussed, then no matter what his feelings towards her, hes being callous towards her predicament and she would then be in her right to leave.
But if he did meet her part way, but it wasn’t intercourse, would that be acceptable? I do recall not too long ago seeing another post with women seething about the prospects of some guy leaving his LTR because the girl decided to find religion and put a stop to sex until marriage. I recall many protestations to the mere possibility that the guy ‘might’ leave her due to lack of sex.
It’s just always funny to see the many reactions to the plethora of life’s problems when faced from a different point of view.
Does she work out? If she’s heavier than she was when they started the relationship, that can cause a lack of desire for her BF.
My experience with a low libido guy, it’s not just about quantity but also quality of the sex sucked. Low libido guys are usually lazy in bed and not a pleaser. They just wanted to go through with the motion and be over with (not unlike women who have sex out of obligation), and really there is not much a woman can do about this. I’m eager to please the man I love, but men don’t always have the same mentality.
Especially when they know they are being “demanded” to do so. Guys tend to go the opposite direction what women want them to do. It’s about sense of being in control with them.
This is why I don’t recommend waiting for sex. For what, exactly? The sooner you know you two are a match or not in bed, the better.
Seriously, you can’t go into a relationship expecting a guy to change because he won’t. Just find one who matches you in the most significant ways. And don’t give away your heart too early and easily, it’s hard to get out when you’re too deep in the game already.
I have a guy with a low sex drive. I’m 54 and he’s 58. Together 3 plus years. I’m sick of it. I have tried everything and things will get better briefly but then it goes back to the same boring thing. He’s also lazy in bed. He’s been great in bed also but very, very rarely. I’m a bit afraid to leave at my age but I’m planning on it sooner than later.
@Mike, I agree.
I venture to guess that if this letter was written and the roles were reversed, many of my fellow women would be up in arms about the man’s superficiality and shallowness, and likely be calling him a callous sex fiend. (And we know that porn would be out of the question b/c too many feel that it is “cheating” and unnecessary).
Too many people seem to think that everything that a woman wants is always right, but when a man wants the same things, it is wrong.
Just my own observation b/c I’m all about equality and dislike hypocrisy about things like this.
I do know women who have had this problem but in the end, the relationships that were very strong in other ways endured, and the ones that had other problems fizzled. This guy sounds like a keeper but it does sound like he has a hard time talking to her/hearing her on this issue. I’m not even sure he has to try to change so much as CHANGE the way he responds, which I think will make her feel less that this is some kind of rejection of her as a woman, which I don’t think it is.
Sometimes all people need to know is that you HEAR them.
Although I sympathize with the OP, I wonder how reasonable her expectations are. If you are doing it 9 times a month, you’re basically already having sex every third to fourth day, which sounds pretty reasonable to me – it’s not like you are having it once a month.
I also think that many women are unfair to normal men with lower sex drives (and I’m not referring to women who are with incompatible low libido men as some of the posts suggest). It’s not really fair to tell the guy that he needs to compromise and try to have more sexy when the woman does little to compromise (and sorry, but not broaching the issue and becoming distant is not compromise). It’s understanding where the guy is coming from and trying to find a happy compromise – same as we’d want the guy to do. And let’s not forget good old biology – a woman does not need to be physically aroused to have sex but a man does. It’s really not as simple as saying “up” so I don’t feel like the comparison between men and women is equal here.
Actually, most of the women that I know could stand to have more sex, I def can. But I realize that this might not be a reasonable expectation, and I would gladly give up a great guy who makes me feel valued that I have sex with only every third or fourth day for the possibility of finding one who wants it every day AND is a great guy.
If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes, the issue is big enough to consider leaving.
The OP should ask herself this question: If our sex life stayed exactly like it is now for the rest of our lives, can I live with it, and would I be happy and fulfilled?
If she can’t make peace with it, she has a serious problem and, imo, should consider leaving.
MIGHT it change? Sure it might for the better or WORSE. His drive may fall lower, what then? If he is doing nothing now (only 3 years in and not married yet) to improve this part of their relationship, imagine what the future may hold.
Just sayin’
[email protected]: Oh, you are going to get some grief from women because you said that a woman does not have to be physically aroused to have sex. She does if she doesn’t want it to be PAINFUL. So yes please–let’s NOT forget good old biology. A woman DOES have to be aroused for sex to happen and not feel like sandpaper on the privates.
Sigh. One other thought. Les’ comment is why women hate porn. It teaches men really wrong things about the way the female body functions.
Wow. Since when is 6-9 x a month considered a low libido? It sounds pretty normal to me. In fact, he sounds pretty wonderful and if she’s done with him, I’d sure like to meet him.
Dear SDF. Your boyfriend has given you two gifts. Although it may not seem so now, each of these gifts is truly wonderful. You are lucky to have received them. Perhaps with the perspective of time, you will understand.
The first gift is the knowledge that you enjoy having lots of sex with a man that you have feelings for. If your boyfriend had shared this quality, you might have thought that your feelings for him allowed you to enjoy his strong sexual appetite. But because your boyfriend does not share this quality, you know now that you have a strong sexual appetite of your own. Self-knowledge is important and will help you in the future, whether you are with this boyfriend or another.
The second gift is the opportunity to resolve a conflict with your boyfriend. For the issue here isn’t really about sex at all — it’s about the fact that you and you boyfriend do not agree on something that is important to you. Next time, the issue could be how to spend your holiday bonus money, or the best way to raise a child. So, at this time, and in this place, you get a chance to practice resolving a conflict with a man that you have feelings for, and who has feelings for you in return. By practicing these skills now, you will enable yourself to have the kind of relationship that you deserve, where you and your man can resolve conflicts in a way that benefits both of you.
I wish you all of the best in your path towards this beautiful future.
What a wonderful persective. Thank you.
Ugh…#39, if she’s not fulfilled sexually, the issue is really sex. Sex is a real thing in itself. It’s not just about physical gratification but also emotional connection.
Again, there is no right or wrong…if someone is not happy with 6-9 times a month (and remember, quantity is one thing, quality is another: 3 min/session is hardly good sex, I would in fact consider it sexless no matter if you have that twice a week -yeah 6 mins/week, pretty generous right? 🙂 ), she’s not happy and she should find someone who can give her what she wants/needs.
Unfortunately, as millions of couples have attested, there is no way around it. Sexual incompatibility is very destructive to relationship. Avoid it at all costs. You can’t reason through it, eventually your emotions will take charge.
Remember, you have about 12 hrs waking hours to dwell on and resent the fact that you’re feeling neglected and rejected. Imagine doing this for the rest of your life. Any wonder why most high-libido spouses can’t put up with this anymore or how sour their relationships become after a period of time?
Sex do not sustain a relationship- character does. Too much good sex would easily make for a toxic relationship, but not a healthy one.
Even couples who enter marriage being sexually compatible still fall incompatible along the line.
I know a married couple with incompatible sex drive, but in this case it happens to be the man with the higher sex drive. While sex meant so much to the guy, he didn’t break up with her b/c he knew he had found a “rare gem.” He resorted to masturbation.
The LW could dump him and look for someone with a high libido. But what happens if she suddenly gets a condition that hinders her from having sex? Would she want her high libido partner to simply rely on the strength of her character and continue loving her? or should he look for someone else who now seems to match his sexual appetite? The answer she would pick is the action i recommend for her.
Katarina, I would never want to be in a relationship with someone like you. All you ever think about is what the other person can do for you, what you can take. Sex is important but its not everything. What if your spouse gets into an accident or has a medical condition that forever alters their sex life? Would you leave them? That sounds selfish. Anyways peoples sex drives change over time as they age. So even if you think that you’re sexually compatible in the beginning things can change over time and with age.
@ nicole#33 & les#34
Agree with you ladies wholeheartedly. Appreciate your thoughts.
@ gem#35
“If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes”
I’m not disagreeing, but you now realize that you are advocating for many thousands of marriages to end because the guy isn’t getting the amount of sex or gratification as he likes from his wife/sig.other. Do realize that women with high sex drives like hers are more rare than guys with low libido’s.. so if your tune is that if it’s really crappy that she’s only getting it almost twice a week so she should leave (i hear tons of married men crying at that statement).. then apply it equally eh’
@ K.phang#40
See above comment to #35
@ ann#36, 37
A non aroused woman can still perform the act, it happens all the time. Oh and ps-i learned everything about pleasing a woman by watching porn. It just so happened that i watch euro erotica, and lesbian flix, not the crap produced by north american companies. my former wife told me after our first couple of nights together that all men should watch the kind of porn i did because it obviously taught me what to look for in a woman’s body language during lovemaking.
And i guess it goes a really long way in helping if the guy actually cares about you vs. wanting to just pump and dump you.
At the end of the day, if the guy is really not willing to do anything about it then yes, i’d say drop him. But if he really is dead tired from working hard to try and provide for them, still managing to do it 2x a week, is a great, sweet, considerate man, and is good in bed, and this still isn’t good enough for you? i say cut him loose and roll the bones, but better to cut it with him now so he can find someone who appreciates what he can offer instead of trying to have him satiate the insatiable.
I have been following this thread, but holding back on commenting until now because I don’t think this is a clear cut issue.
Having been with a partner who rarely was into sex, I feel some sympathy for the OP. It can lead to frustration and self-doubt for even the most healthy and confident person. It seems to me that at this point, she has adapted to her situation in a way that simply increases her pain and suffering, something I remember doing in my own relationship.
On the other hand, like a few other commenters, 5-9 times a month doesn’t sound like a “low sex drive” at all. For most of the 3 years of the relationship I spoke of above, I was lucky if we had sex a few times a month. And then, it often felt like she wasn’t into it much, or was somehow conflicted. Now, it’s important to note that there were many other issues between her and I that led to the end of the relationship, and frankly I wonder if there are other issues the OP isn’t telling us about.
While Katarina focuses on sexual incompatibility here, I’m not convinced it’s simply that. It’s really easy to fixate on a lack of sex, or good sex, when the whole house of cards is collapsing around you. I’ve been there. Many of you have probably been there. You love someone. You are attached to them. And have turned your back on issues that are scary or anger-provoking, but which need to be addressed. It’s rarely just about sex if you’ve been together for multiple years, but the quality of and quantity of sex can speak volumes about other problems.
I said: “If sex drives or styles are mismatched to the point where someone is unhappy in the relationship, then yes”
Mike #44 said:
I’m not disagreeing, but you now realize that you are advocating for many thousands of marriages to end because the guy isn’t getting the amount of sex or gratification as he likes from his wife/sig.other. Do realize that women with high sex drives like hers are more rare than guys with low libido’s.. so if your tune is that if it’s really crappy that she’s only getting it almost twice a week so she should leave (i hear tons of married men crying at that statement).. then apply it equally eh’
Although my statement was general, no, I’m not speaking across the board for every relationship including married people.
I’m talking about THIS situation. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this guy. He’s been this way since they met! It’s who he is. They fought throughout their first year about it. Maybe she thought he’d change and stuck it out because of all his other great qualities but he didn’t change and 3 years later it’s the same. He doesn’t deserve to be made to feel like he’s lacking something. She stayed and wants him to change the way he is. That’s not fair.
Look at the results:
She doesn’t initiate sex because she fears rejection.
She always feels neglected.
Her mind drifts during sex.
She’s programmed her brain not to want sex.
She’s lost the spark for him.
Doesn’t sound like a fun relationship now…..imagine if they married???
Let me repeat! I don’t think there is anything wrong with this guy (maybe there is, IDK, but he’s not her project to fix and so far, he’s not copping to any problem anyway.
So yeah, I do think this is good enough reason to leave. They are only 3 years in and have had this issue from the beginning. Should she TRY to be happy because his libido matches the average out there?
My advice was to get real with herself and ask herself if she could make peace with his drive the way it is. If so, let it go and stop pouting, and stop making his lower drive evidence of something wrong with her.
If she can’t do that, then, hell yes, consider leaving. Why stay and give herself and this guy grief for years to come. Find someone who is more compatible.
Gem may be on to something. As is That East Asian Man #39. If they have spent three years trying to resolve a conflict about something that is supposed to be fun and mutually enjoyable, imagine what will happen if they disagree on how to spend money or raise their kids. Yes unfortunately it does sound like leaving may be an option.
To the multiple commenters who brought up the old hypothetical, What if he gets into an accident and cannot have sex at all… you guys don’t understand the difference between having to take care of someone who is genuinely sick, or an accident victim, and having to accommodate a healthy man in his prime who just doesn’t feel like doing extra work (and I don’t just mean in bed — neither do I just mean this couple — I’m speaking in general). If a young, healthy person cannot lift a finger to meet their partner halfway, and cannot give a valid reason why, this is not going to be a good marriage — better cut the losses now before it’s too late.
PS 9 times/month would be enough for me too, but I have a full-time job and kids. If I were in my 20s without children… those nine times better be pretty darn good!!
PPS. Many years ago, I talked to a man online — older man in his 50s or 60s — who told us that his sex drive had hit rock bottom because of prescription meds. However, he added that, to keep his wife happy and satisfied, he was doing the best he could, in any way he could, even if and when he didn’t feel like it. Just sayin’. IMO this is what couples do for each other. I’ve done it too.
Greg, you don’t know me…so please reserve your judgment. It’s uncalled for. I’m a very giving person (I supported my husband and gave and gave and gave in my marriage) and trying to make him happy was all I could think of. And that’s why a lot of women become unhappy: because their men aren’t as giving as we are, but I digress.
Sexual incompatibility is real, your ignorance is mind-boggling. And as Goldie said, medical conditions are one thing. Having a healthy person as your partner who doesn’t bother to do the work to make you happy every now and then is another. My case was the latter and I’m not going to get into that situation again.
When does the conversation start about what part of this “boyfriend problem” that the OP has is a result of her failure to be attractive, stay attractive, create sexual excitement.
Don’t know how hot she is; what her personality is like; or how randy she is in bed, but regardless she’s got to own some of this problem. An overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit ain’t that tantalizing after the novelty sex wears off.
@ Gem #46
“If she can’t do that, then, hell yes, consider leaving. Why stay and give herself and this guy grief for years to come. Find someone who is more compatible.”
As i qualified my remarks earlier by starting with “I’m not disagreeing,..” what we’re all really admitting to here is:
1. Evan’s comments are spot on. She need’s to choose to accept this or let the poor guy go now.
2. That her decision may cost her a partner whom she will not find the same good qualities in with a higher libido. Is it possible? Sure, but it’s a roll of the dice at that point and she’ll need to live with this choice with no expectation of coming back to it if it backfires.
3. That a person’s sexual drive and lack of available sex within a relationship to match that drive is grounds for breaking up what otherwise is a perfectly good relationship, and what is good for the goose is good for the gander, regardless of which sex is pulling the trigger.
4. Acknowledging that there is a stereotype that if a man leaves his partner because she is not giving him enough sex (to match his drive) then hes a selfish prick that’s only looking out for his own needs and thinks his sig. other is just there to service him.
I’m all for being straight up and honest at the start. In fact, my online profile specifically states that i enjoy a healthy sexual relationship and expect my partner to keep up. This is a deal breaker for me, and i won’t tolerate anyone who would use sex as a means of extortion or as a means to attain something. This is to weed them out early on. Because once you’re married, and your partner 180’s and closes up shop, what recourse do you have? Cheat? Divorce? Don’t get married?
Ill go for option 3 thank you.
To Mike @ 50, point #4:
statistics play a part. The most common reason a couple seeks relationship counselling is a mismatch in sex drives. In 10 of every 11 cases of heterosexual couples at counselling for this reason, the woman has a lower desire (with respect to the frequency of sex. She often wants better quality sex, not more frequent sex). In 1 out of every 11 cases presenting to counsellors, it’s the man with the lower frequency desire.
Thus, many more men than women in long term relationships, want more frequent sex.
If a man leaves his partner for another woman, statistics suggest the problem (him wanting more frequent sex than his next partner) is more likely to recur.
It’s more likely that a woman who leaves, will find a new partner with a long term higher sex drive, than vice versa.
@Hadley #49- given that the OP said they’ve been having this issue since the first year of their relationship, and assuming that her boyfriend was pleased enough with her looks to get into a serious relationship with her in the first place, it’s probably not an issue of her letting herself go.
Additionally, if this were a case of her failing to excite him, you’d think he’d bring that up in their numerous discusssions of the issues. But instead he just says he’s not in the mood. Apparently he is willing to live with the status quo and she is not; to me that’s evidence that he’s not particularly unhappy or displeased with the way things are.
RE: Jennifer @ 52 “if this were a case of her failing to excite him, you’d think he’d bring that up in their numerous discussions of the issues”
As a guy who has been in a few relationships, I can tell you that telling the absolute full undiluted truth all the time often gets you into very big arguments or results in significant negative behavior directed at you by your female partner. Guys often avoid conflict in a relationships by not addressing an issue. I can totally see a guy saying “I’m not in the mood” or “I have a low sex drive” than saying “you don’t excite me anymore”; or “you’re not as much sexual fun as when I first met you”; or “you have let yourself go & as a result I am not that attracted sexually to you anymore”
For women to get what they want out of men they need to stay sexually attractive. For me, hearing a guy say “ I have low sex drive” I’m thinking he thinks she’s not that hot. That’s probably in her power to change. That’s what strippers do, namely temporarily raise a guy’s sex drive.
I agree that both parties should take care of themselves not just women. So if a mans gained 50 pounds it’s no different women like attractive men too.
But your answer is not the norm from what I’m reading. Personally my fiancé’s drive tanked 6 months in. I had not gained weight I looked exactly the same. It’s not always because the woman’s not attractive.
I have to agree with Jennifer that if this has been a problem since their first year together, I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here. I don’t understand why the boyfriend having a much lower sex drive is so hard to believe.
Regardless as to the cause If he boyfriend is no longer attracted to her and it’s not the sweat suit that’s the problem, she should probably bail for someone that finds her attractive.
RE: Ruby @ 54 “I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here “
I didn’t say the OP is an overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit. I use that as an extreme example of how the “problem” of her man’s low sexual drive is related to how attractive he finds the woman who wants to get laid.
Just as married women who have affairs often get a bye because “my husband wasn’t meeting my emotional, sexual, spiritual… fill in the blank here needs”, (meaning that what is initially viewed as her failing is explained as something which is in fact not her failing but something she was driven to), so too this guy’s failing, namely low sex drive, is I suggest, a result of not finding his woman sexually attractive (for whatever reason).
She needs to own some of this. She can do something about how he perceives her. She does not have to be the passive victim of this situation. She can take action to improve her game. Don’t think so? Take a look at the names of the articles on a Cosmo cover.
I would love to see a post (just one little post is all I ask) here by a woman advocating that the OP take some personal responsibility for this situation.
Oh, the myth of “making yourself enticing” to revive your partner’s interest in sex… advocated in so many books and women’s magazines – apparently by people who have never encountered the problem! It makes me quite ill to think back to those times – the lingerie I bought, the sexy surprises I planned for him, the erotic texts I’d send – the candles, the massage books, the articles I read on how to please your man… and the systematic rejection and heartache that these efforts led to. With a lower libido man, any attempt to do these things is simply interpreted as PRESSURE. It doesn’t matter how you approach it, that is how it is perceived. And men HATE pressure from women in any area of life. The OP HAS tried to do her part to resolve the problem – she has stopped asking for or initiating sex. That is the only thing that may work with a man like this, and in her case, it hasn’t. I do think its time this issue was talked about more openly and they myth that sexy lingerie will solve the problem was once and for all debunked, so that women stop blaming themselves and dancing around the maypole doing the dance of the seven veils while their partner stands in the middle of the circle doing absolutely nothing. As in any relationship problem, you can’t solve it by yourself, so to me the dealbreaker here is the fact that her partner will not even participate in trying to make things better. Nothing she can do singlehandedly will bring about any change in this situation.
There are forums for sexless marriages and everyone in those boards will tell anyone who presumes that sexual incompatibility can be overcome by any of the “Cosmopolitan” advice such as Helene alluded above to just wake up and smell the coffee. Some of these people have been married for decades and most of it in the state of sexlessness and they have seen and heard it ALL.
ALL.
The ignorants who have never been in this situation will continue judging and coming up with asinine advice.
Sorry folks, human sexuality is mighty complex. If you’re not sure you can work it out in the long run (we can gauge that early in the relationship), don’t commit to anyone who doesn’t match you in bed PERIOD. It won’t get any better.
Sexual issues are very sensitive to men as well. The more pressure and demand/gimmicks you apply on them the more they’ll see sex as a chore. Sexually deprived women are actually far more common than prevalent wisdom (that men want sex all the time -which I think is the real myth).
Hadley Paige #56
I don’t think of Cosmo as a fount of relationship knowledge. I also disagree with you that married women who have affairs get a pass. Also, remember the old chestnut used by cheating married men, “My wife doesn’t understand me”?
The OP has been trying to talk about this problem with her boyfriend for 3 years, so I hardly think that she is behaving like a passive victim. I don’t know what other kinds of strategies she has employed, but she seems pretty desperate to fix this problem. Yes, we haven’t heard the boyfriend’s side, but it doesn’t sound like he is doing anything other than saying he’s “not in the mood.”
I still don’t get this sexless marriage/relationship crap, coming into play here. The OP said they have sex 5 to 9 times a month which happens to be pretty normal for most relationships- especially couples with demanding jobs. Might also be less if children comes into the picture.
I’d also ask about women who got married to Military men, Athletes, Business men? This are men whose career require them traveling all over the world. How do this women do it (and I’m not referring to those who cheat)? How do they keep the fire burning? Sometimes this women are lucky if they have sex in a span of three to six months. Do the relationships simply fizzle out just b/c their men aren’t around to service them at every given caprice? I’ll wager that such relationships succeeded b/c the women conditioned their mind to become happy with what they have.
As an aside; I’ll challenge any experienced “know it all” woman on this board to tell if waiting to find a sexually compatible mate inhibits marriage/relationship from hitting the rocks.
RE: Ruby @ 59 “I don’t think of Cosmo as a fount of relationship knowledge.”
I didn’t say it was. I suggested that its a good source for info on how a woman could improve her sexual game — increase how sexually attractive she is and increase her sexual skills. Without getting too explicit about this, my current GF can “inspire me” when perhaps I may not be to hot to trot.
Women have to take some responsibility for their man’s level of interest in sex with them. She wants some? then lay the foundational groundwork for the guy to take that interest in her.
I am still waiting for that admission from someone. Or is this yet another instance where its all the man’s fault?
Hadley 56 and 59: You do not have the right to ask someone to write a post here that gratifies your viewpoint; nor to make an “admission” about something that neither we nor you know anything about.
The OP’s letter suggests that she took responsibility in the first year to try to have her needs met; while in the latter two years, she has taken responsibility for trying to make her boyfriend comfortable. Beyond that, we can only speculate, unless the OP or her boyfriend chooses to jump into this conversation.
I think other commenters here have made extremely valid viewpoints, even if they don’t always agree. Sex in relationships is indeed a complicated topic.
[email protected]: Well, good luck with your sex life if you think that just lying there and taking one for the team is good sex from a woman’s perspective. Ick.
Hear, hear to Helen and Ruby! Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up.
@Ann #63
Your reading comprehension leaves a lot to be desired. I won’t even bother since you obviously cherry picked that one aspect to apply it against me where i was simply making an observation i know exists. The rest of my comments, especially about my own feelings regarding the matter invalidate whatever stupidity you are trying to imply about my sex life.
RE: Ann @ 64: “Thumbs down to Hadley Paige. Another ick. Grow up. “
Ann, thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack. You have really contributed to the discussion.
I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility. While in certain extreme & narrow dysfunctional instances I suppose that might be true. But the great majority of time each person in the dynamic has some responsibility for the dynamic.
I suggested that the woman might take a look at herself and see what she can do to get where she wants to go (namely a more satisfying sexual experience). I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.
If I said that my wife wasn’t interested in sex and “We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together “. you might ask what did I do to try to get her in the mood. “Nothing” says I. “ I just come home from work all sweaty & dirty with beer on my breath & I just try f-ck her, that’s all, and for some reason she’s not interested.”
Do you think that I might approach the sex somewhat differently to get more of what I want?
I see the situation w the OP as analogous. I ain’t saying she’s 100% responsible. I ain’t saying 50% (bc we don’t know the facts, we only know what the OP chooses to write) I am saying some of it is hers. Yet as reasonable as that might be, the suggestion goes over like a lead balloon here. Perhaps bc it is always easier (and less emotionally painful) to blame someone else for your situation that to take personal responsibility for it.
Well, I have made my point. Use it or don’t use it in your own relationship dynamic. Best of luck in maintaining a healthy relationship if you see these things in black & white, either/or, his fault or . . . his fault.
Hadley 66, I agree that ad hominem attacks should be avoided (of course, the fact that they exist is an unfortunate truth about the internet). However, what you state in 66 is not what you stated previously, and now you are acting as though all women are stupid or ignorant for missing it. Previously, you deliberately wrote provocative statements about “An overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” – and then acted all surprised when women reacted to that. THAT is silliness.
If you want a reasonable discussion, you should start by avoiding such attacking, nasty comments about women – ANY woman – in the first place.
As for your statement “I must tell the women readers of this blog that I find it really depressing that not a single woman reading this is willing to admit that in a relationship something as complex as the nature of their sexual dynamic is not all one person’s problem or responsibility” – I don’t think any of us were stating that it was all the man’s fault, although that is how you chose to read it. Several people, including Katarina and myself, have even stated how complex this issue is. Evan himself was not blaming either the OP or her boyfriend either; he implies in his response that this is not a situation in which blame can be so easily attributed to one or the other party. Whether they choose to split because of this incompatibility depends on how important it is to either party.
It would do you well to not approach women as though you are their adversary, or they are yours. Start with an attitude of cooperation, of willingness to understand, and you might be surprised how willing we are to meet you halfway.
RE: Ruby @ 54 “I fail to see how the theory that the OP is now an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweat suit” could apply here “
I didn’t say the OP is an overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit. I use that as an extreme example of how the “problem” of her man’s low sexual drive is related to how attractive he finds the woman who wants to get laid.
But that the OP is an “overweight, bitchy cow in a sweatsuit” is exactly what you implied. And that she should read Cosmopolitan to get her boyfriend in the mood. To you too, HP, “thank you for your very insightful observations that eloquently and cleverly address the actual point I was making, as opposed to making a sophomoric & simplistic ad hominem attack. You have really contributed to the discussion”, as well.
Ruby 68: You go, sister!
I have really appreciated most of the comments here, from you, helene, Gem, Goldie, Katarina, Ann, and others. Some of the comments were laugh-aloud funny (from helene about the 7 veils, and Ann), but definitely drove home the point of sadness and frustration that can accompany this relationship issue. In the end, I agree with Katarina: there is no point in “saving yourself” for marriage. It’s in both parties’ best interest to test how compatible you are in that realm, before you commit to a lifetime with someone with whom you may be incompatible.
@ Hadley
“I am shocked to discover that that suggestion & the idea that the OP might take some responsibility for this dynamic is either roundly condemned or dismissed.”
I’m shocked that you have actually quoted this in the same comment:
“We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together.”
and somehow think it supports your theory of the OP letting herself go. How do you think that worked “during the first year they were together”? you think he met an overweight, sweaty, bad-smelling woman with beer on her breath and said to himself, Yeah this is exactly what I want in a girlfriend. Let’s move in together and have a 3-year relationship!
Look, your guess was as valid as any other, but for the OP and her BF, this is not the case. Nobody has let themselves go, at least based on the information that we have. Therefore, your advice is not helping.
PS. Cosmo? seriously??? should we buy Tucker Max’s new book while we’re at it? It might have some equally good relationship advice too.
[email protected]: Gotta side with Ann on this one. A non-aroused woman can lie there, if you call that “performing the act” of intercourse, but it will not be pleasurable. There are two important physical things that happen when a woman is aroused: 1) the vaginal area becomes lubricated, and 2) the cervix pulls back into the body cavity, allowing room for the penis to enter. If a woman is not aroused, the delicate skin in the genital area tears, which hurts. Also, if the penis bangs into the cervix–repeatedly, mind you–it hurts. It’s like getting kicked in the balls. Not sure why you think that a mechanical act of intercourse that leaves one partner in pain has any place in a mutual relationship–why you would even bring that up. You, too, have orifices that can be penetrated by penises, but no one is suggesting to you that you just give it up that way because physically this is possible.
Next point: Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone–they need clitoral stimulation. In a woman, the sexual organs include the tissues and nerves surrounding the vagina; in a man, the penis contains all of those sensitive tissues and nerves. So there isn’t a direct correlation between the penis and the vagina. You may think that sticking it in is enough, but only 30% of women will find that to be true. Therefore, a man can participate in the sex act if he can’t get it up, and most women will probably not be left wanting for the lack of penis action: he can still use his mouth and his hands to please her. You seemed to have left out these important activities and are focusing only on penetration, which is primarily about the man and not as much about the woman.
So not sure what the Euro porn taught you. But I urge you to learn more about sex from authoritative sources rather than commercial fodder that is carefully designed to manipulate money out of your pocket.
Great article in NYTimes about sex education, FYI:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/18/how-graphic-should-sex-education-get/
Sorry–here’s the actual NY Times article on teaching good sex. Note–not from The Daily Mail!!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/20/magazine/teaching-good-sex.html?pagewanted=all
Bethanne 71: THANK YOU. I wish you could post this comment of yours everywhere and anywhere there is male readership on the topic. I’d heard an even higher statistic for women not turned on by intercourse: 80%.
[email protected]: I was really grateful for this info, too, when I first heard/read it, so I try to pass it on. I feel so bad for my mom and women of other generations who didn’t have it–it must have been really hard for them to figure this stuff out, if they ever did. And men must be completely bewildered. Think of all of the heartache that sexual ignorance causes.
@ Post 71
I disagree with your statement that: “Most women (70%) do not come from intercourse alone—they need clitoral stimulation”, in my personal experience is the opposite and even worse I would say is around 90% that will have orgasm from intercourse. It’s just that it takes time and skills to reach that, if those studies were done to couples (specially the man) who have skills and know what they are doing I’m pretty sure the results will be around 90% of woman will have orgasm during intercourse.
The timing is very important also, because the woman need to trust the guy and feel comfortable during intercourse without been nervous, anxiety and nervousness will kill an orgasm most of the time. That’s why giving a body massage to make her relax, foreplay to arouse her, and giving her compliments about her body will do wonders, since a lot of women (even pretty women with hot bodies) tend to have image issues or sex performance issues. That’s why timing is important, it takes weeks and sometimes months (depending of your skill level) to make a woman come from intercourse and better yet have body orgasm and squirt all over.
I wish guys weren’t so selfish during sex, so they can experience the power of a woman orgasm, just the look at her eyes, her face expression, her body movement shaking uncontrollable and ultimately squirting all over you…. every time I ask a woman how does she feels when she has an orgasm, most of them say: It feels like you are in another planet, like you can see the moon and the stars. And trust me their expression says it all.
I agree with answer #1. Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s that important to you. I think to an extent sex is important to everyone. You just have to find that match that finds it as important. The only problem my husband and I have is that occasionally it’s not at the same time, but we find ways to work it out. If you find yourself going into the friend zone and thinking of other things when you are having sex probably a good idea to head into the friend zone so at least that doesn’t get ruined.
If you are not satisfied, and never will be if things continue this way, you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest and end the relationship.
I am on the other side of this scenario myself: I’m a woman with a low sex-drive, and my partner has a high sex-drive. I would be happy having sex once or twice a month. He wants it every time we see each other. We have been together for over 3 years.
I feel like everything is fine during periods when he doesn’t mention it, but a few weeks or months will go by and eventually he has to express his sexual frustration, even if we have been having fabulous sex.. just not as often as he wants. This leaves me feeling inadequate and frustrated as well. I wish he would either decide to not let it bother him and interfere with our otherwise awesome relationship, OR break-up with me so that we don’t have to keep having this same annoying discussion over and over again.
I would rather be alone and single than with someone who will never be satisfied with me the way I am.
I have the same problem, but my parter will only sleep with me once or twice a month! count yourself lucky I would be very very pleased with 5-9 times, if you want to split with him and you still get it that much then you can’t like him very much.
I have the same problem with my husband when it comes to sex. We both think that something is wrong because I have a high sex drive and he has a low sex drive. I love him but he knows sexual contact is very important to me and to be honest was one of the many reasons why I married him. He thinks I married him for the sex but I had more sex before we became official. We talked yesterday and we have hidden issues within ourselves before we were married that affected our sexual life. I have thought about if I’m not satisfied leaving but truth is I can’t find anyone in this world like my husband. He is so charming, loving, humble, kind, shy, smart, sexy, puts me before himself and gives me everything I want (brand new car, new place to live and a vacation condo). I love him and why should I leave him for one thing when he loves me a million other ways that don’t evolve sex. So I would say if you can’t find those million ways in your bf then leave but if you do stay remember we aren’t perfect human beings.
I think the OP simply has to do a lot of soul searching in this. Asking her questions on here is probably a good first step in her decision making, as the most importnt step towards solving the problem – talking with her partner about it – has apparently failed on several occasions.
I have nothing but sympathy for her, as I am enduring the flip side of the same problem. I’ve been with my wife for 12 years. We have 3 young children and we both work full-time jobs. This adds a lot of fatigue and stress to your life – apparently more s for her than myself, although I do carry my fair share of the work around the house and such. The issue – she has practically no sex drive anymore – mine, however, is as bad as it was when I was 18, and I’m nearing 40. Where there are times we make love once in a month, I’m the kind of person who would happily go for a couple times a day…I’m probably a bit abnormal – lol. That is not to say that I pressure for that kind of frequency, but I’ve always tried to keep realistic, and go for 1 – 2 times per week. The other problem is, I’m not one of these “quicky” people either – I’m very involved and romantic. I’ve bought my wife thousands of dollars worth of lingerie, tried different little toys to try to help her get more into it, and truly do love her and find her unbelievably sexy – and on the rare occasions that she gets into it, she’s one of the best lovers I’ve had. For me, a lot of my emotional attachment is connected to our love life. Th frustrating part is, she was as high-libido as me for the first year we were together – then it pretty much ended after our first child was born, nd I became a room mate. It has now escalated to a unhealthy wedge in the relationship. She gets angry if I even try to broach the subject, and takes any efforts on my part as pressure. It frustrates me because that physical connection also affects the emotional connection – both from me to her and from her to me.
To the op – I would never profess to have an answer to somoene else’s problem. I will say this much – knowing what I know now, were I still in your situation, where there are no children to be considered (and they trump any issue that could arise from this issue between my wife and I), I would move on for both of your sakes.
glad i found this. my boyfriend and i argued this same arguement, and it aint worth it anymore. know that the amount of sex you crave has to do with just hormones. we cant all be the exact same. i love my boyfriend very much, and come to realize exactly what evan is saying is correct.
Same struggles happened to me that my husband is totally a very low libido guy. Nearly 0 times per week. During 2 month I could have only 3 times sex, but even that sex was low quality. The thing that makes it worse for me is the way he tries to cover it and show that this is not permanent and he is only not able to have sex just because he is tired or stressed or exhausted. But the fact is that his job isn’t that stressful as he is mentioning. I came to the idea that he is only bringing excuses.
I also work and I have my own stresses and concerns, but it never affected my libido! I am somehow high in my sexual desires, that I want to have sex even everynight! I feel so down when I see my husband is not satisfying me in bed. He is a lover but for me sex and physical satisfaction is of high importance. He sleeps without paying attention to my desire, or he says he doesn’t want to start the sex because he does not want to dissapoint me! It gives me the feeling that he is not able to perform, also he never has enough drive to turn on. I tried many scenes and situations to see how he responds, but fails!
After several discussions of why we are in this level with my husband and going to sex therapist and consultants, I came to the idea of leaving him. This is a personal decision and not persuading anyone, but to be realistic, I am high in my sex desire and I am sure my husband is giving me excuses just to keep me in his life, otherwise I am dissapointed at him getting any better, even abit of improvement from him still does not satisfy my desire!
Many women here mentioned they are Ok with few sexes and were asking other women to forget having sex and just keep thinking about good parts of him! To me it sounds even funny, because in my opinion, the main and most impostant charactristic of a husband is to be strong and dominant in his sexual behavior.
A man who is with low libido and never initiates sex seems weak to me. These are my personal thoughts and do not want to offend anyone here. But it might be many women’s point of view.
My husband wants me to wait for him until he can fix himself and becomes high same as me, but to me with knowledge and experiences that I gained, it sounds impossible. I am pretty sure that if he is like this while he is 33 years old, he won’t get any better after this age. He says I should use toy and vibrator and he should use medicine to get erected until he can overcome his low libido issue. But this does not sound reasonable to me to help him fix his problem. I know a low drive guy will stay the same and I don’t think he can change his nature!
I hope I am true and I am confident enough to end this marriage as it hurts being untouched and unsatisfied for a long time with my husband.
Brett
are you absolutely sure that you do your fair share? I ask as people routinely overestimate what they do. My other suggestion is – get a cleaner. That might be a better investment than lingerie and sex toys. the division of chores is the Bermuda Triangle of many relationships.
also sex twice a week when you have young children sounds not too bad. Assuming you are achieving that.
many a woman’s sex drive will tank after a baby. I think it,s hard to go from mother to lover. And sometimes all the breastfeeding and cuddling is enough physical attention and she doesnt want more. i don,t think it,s personal if that helps (probably not)
sara
i,d be concerned too. Even though the boyfriend and I are waiting til marriage to have sex, assuming we get married, I,m in no doubt that he has a very healthy sex drive and, yes, that does bond us. Has your husband always been like this? has he been checked out physically?
and to no one in particular, your partner,s sexual orientation may not be the same as yours.
Yeah, Mary – I am. I could toss the inverse out if we want to go the sexist route – little of any work maintaining vehicles – including a call for an oil change, is taken care of by my wife, nor any other of the “man’s jobs”, as she calls them.
Yes, she is still my wife – a couple years after my original post. Now, I live in the basement in our house. I’ve learned that sex, physical, and emotional connections are all supposed to be on her schedule. If I try to make an advance, she is too tired and needs to sleep…but she will stay up an hour later reading. Other times, she’s not feeeling great, but then leaves to go for a jog or to go to the gym.
I’ve read the writing between the lines – she doesn’t want me. Now, on the rare occasions she actually wants intimacy, I refuse because I got so sick of trying and feeling lecherous because I wanted to be with her that I became embarrassed and ashamed. Fuck it. I would try to do things to make sure she climaxed when we made love, and she would stop me. These occasions were rare enough as is, and meant a lot to me, but I get the impression from her she just wanted it over with. She has my full endorsement to go find what she wants when the kids are older, since what she wants or needs is not what I have to offer, and me needs are not only something she couldn’t care less about, but appear to be an inconvenience to her. I wish she would have made this clearer earlier on.
And we have a cleaner.
i have this same dillemma. my bf is fine having sex once a month and i prefer at least 3x a week. and whenever i initiate being sexually intimate i have to mentally prepare myself for a no everytimme. its really difficult because we want similar things in life and connect really well on other things but my needs arent being met. i feel constantly frustrated because to me, sex is an important way for me to feel close to my partner. it feels like i cant get one of my needs out of this relationship
If sex is that important then you that it trumps all other qualities then break it off. Save him and yourself the trouble. Once you have kids and more years invested into the relationship it will get harder to do this. Keep in mind that sex drives do change throughout one’s life time..That said I have seen very unhealthy relationships in which the couples had a great sex life. These couple tended to stayed together partially for the sex.
Sooo, I am 27 years old, a female, and have been dating my boyfriend for 3 and a half years now. I have the same EXACT problem! My boyfriend, who’s the same age as me, has a very low sex drive!!! I’m lucky if I get it two times a month. Which is something that really bothers me. Plus, I always am the one to initiate it. If I didn’t, I honestly don’t think we would have sex. Period. I like have to ask him beforehand that way I don’t get shut down. I’ve tried to do it naturally, like just start kissing him, or rubbin on him, you kno the deal… buuut, He pulls back. He also doesn’t like french kissing! Which I love. …Not like wet, sloppy, kisses, but like passionate, intimate, longer kisses, you feel me? But not him, he like wants nothing to do with tongues 🙁 I could tell he even gets irritated when I ask him about it. I don’t know why he’s like this. This has been a constant problem since our first year together. And I’d even be happy with once a week!! I’d rather a few times a week but you can’t have everything you want. Once a month is not cutting it. But other than this issue, there really isn’t any other issues as far as our relationship goes. Basically, we are best friends that sleep in the same bed and it drives me nuts. I think about it everyday. He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit. I feel inadequate, definitely not sexy at all…the list goes on. But still the more, I FREAKING love him. He’s got a great job, he’s supercute, we laugh together, support each other 100%. Plus, he’s really trying to stay sober. But with a cost. I think that’s a cop out. I’m also struggling with the same substance abuse issues and never stopped wanting to have sex w him. So I find myself constantly wondering in my head if this is something that I want to deal with for the rest of my life. And I haven’t made a decision. But I’m definitely deprived. What’s a girl to do!? HELP!
@Katie 86
Sex deprivation and lack of intimate touch is a bummer. I miss those things and am grateful there are other things that make life wonderful. Sounds like you are almost satisfied with your relationship and if you can resolve this situation one way or another, you are golden.
He is also a recovering drug addict and says he feels he only wants to have sex when he is high and he doesn’t know why. That makes me feel like shit.
I am sorry you feel down on yourself. This is not about you or your value. This is about him. This is not because he is not attracted to you when he is straight (not a beer goggles thing). If that was the case he would have left you when he became sober. This has to do with a block in his mind that, when he is high, disappears or becomes unimportant.
He might have some deep seated guilt or insecurity surrounding sex that the drugs make evaporate. He might not even know what it is, or he might feel too ashamed to share it with you. In a loving way, tell him how this makes you feel. Tell him you are not angry and love him, and how this problem makes you feel inadequate and sad. Ask him to help you fix this part of your relationship.
His sobriety is important, and if you care about him you will help him keep to it. I am no therapist, sexual or otherwise, but perhaps a professional will be able to help him overcome whatever is eating at him. Whether you can stick around while he tries to work it out with no way of knowing how long it will take or even if it will succeed at all is a difficult decision you have to make for yourself. At your age you still will find it relatively easy to find a new life partner if you choose to move on.
You have been together quite a long time and normally should be talking about marriage if that is a goal of yours, but your relationship has a feature that regularly hurts you profoundly. You must resolve it. Otherwise, it will eat away at the mutual support and happiness you two share create together. I encourage you to make peace with this problem, either by acceptance that you just are not going to have as much sex as you want or by him healing himself.
Maybe he can please you and make you feel wanted in other ways while he works through this? If he cares and understands the distress this has you in, he will do that. The trick is to talk to him about this without making him defensive or upset or feel inadequate himself. You love him in spite of this. Make sure he knows that.
Thanks for your follow up David. I really appreciate you taking time out of ur day to respond. You made some good points there. I will heed ur advice and have a sit down with him and try to explain what turmoil this has got me in in the nicest way possible.. I’ve chatted with him before. So its no mystery to him. It seems like he hasn’t done too much to change the situation even after I’ve told him time and time again. 🙁
Katie I’m in the same boat as you. Trust me, after being married for 6 years and I am the highly sexual one and she is low, it will make you more miserable down the road. My wife is perfect on every way but we alway fight about sex. i feel like I am sleeping in the same bed with my best friend as well. After soul-searching, we are going to divorce. We are still best friends, but I need to have sex with a gorgeous woman 3 times a day whereas my wife says she can go years without sex and be happy. I wish I can find a woman like you who has a very high sex drive. i think ill go become like a wild beast releases from being chained up for so long. AAAARRGGHHH!!!
Run! Over the years it will get worse and to the point where you won’t have sex at all. I had the same situation with my ex-husband, he just was not into it. I was irritated, mad and envied my girlfriends who told me about their sex life. I felt unattractive and not sexual, gained weight and stopped caring about myself because what’s he point? He was a very good man but I was just dying inside…
@katie 86 if your BF is struggling with addiction and recovery he may be very depressed. I would encourage him to see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction since you say he has a good job. There may be some medication that can help him with his depression and that might be what is causing the low sex drive.
Good luck.
“Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable.”
Wow, Helene just nailed what I feel is the bottom line in this issue!! What’s important here, as Evan pointed out, is that this is like any other issue that could be deemed a dealbreaker. And the key to overcoming differences in needs/expectations is to communicate clearly and find a balance…compromise.
And it does sound like there hasn’t been a whole lot of compromise here. Given Helene’s excellent verbalisation of the core issue, I wonder in how many other ways the OP’s man has failed to rise to the occasion…
I was with a man who is beautiful, 6’5, dark, handsome, and funny! He was very smart, but his sex drive was 2 month maybe 3 times a month if that!
I broke up with him over lack of intimacy! He is depressed and not working! To be honest I could handle the unemployed situation, but no sex drive made me upset! If hurt my feelings! I am a 1 time a day gal, if he wasn’t then I could be an 8 time a month girl!! He wasn’t any of that! I felt rejected! I finally imploded and let him go! I miss him! I love him, but I need passion, and sex!
I would like to know how this mis-matched sex drives turns into arguments. Is her tone demanding when she initiates the discussion, or does she bring it up gently and he gets defensive ? His drive doesn’t seem abnormally low, just lower than hers. But the fact that they ARGUE about something that should be the most joyful part of a relationship is what I think the main problem is. Intimacy doesn’t always have to include intercourse. I can achieve the big O without intercourse. And in my younger days when those monthly visits from the infamous Aunt Flo hindered my sex drive, I could find other ways to please my man.
She said ” I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9″. Since he only seems to want 4, but they seem to hit 5-9, is seems that he is already stepping up and trying to meet her needs by having more sex than he would naturally want. I think they have more of an issue with their conflict resolution styles, than with sex. In this case the conflict just happens to be sex. Perhaps that she work on their conflict and communiciation styles and see if that helps. Not just for the variable sex drives, but for future issues that could arise, money, kids, recreational time, etc.
i LOVE this post, because i went through the same thing!
i was with my ex for 7 yrs, got engaged for a year, then 4 months before the wedding, called it off. why? among other things, our sex life sunk to 3x’s a MONTH (we were in our 30’s and i had an enthusiastic sex drive). btw, during the ‘good years’ we had sex maybe a 2-3x’s a week. i preferred a little more but didn’t complain because i thought this was just an area of compromise.
so, was my ex marriage material? maybe. but did i feel rejected, ugly, crazy and pathetic that my ex preferred to go to porn than me? ABSOLUTELY.
i did A LOT of research to confirm my deal breaker path–was he depressed? un-diagnosed low libido? stressed out? pissed off at me? is he gay? i suggested couples counseling to work out our issues, but he refused. i HATED listening to my gf’s complain that their bf’s/husbands were always horny while i was dying on the inside when my bf gave me the cold shoulder. i even read an enlightening book called “the sex-starved wife” and i TOTALLY fit the profile. damn, we were fulfilling the couples w/ kids stats at the supposed ‘honeymoon highlight’ time of our relationship, right before the wedding! it was ridiculous.
so, while libido ranges won’t always be in sync, i realized that i NEEDED to be with a man who DESIRED me to make me feel like a WOMAN. i am fine with compromise, but realized that with my past relationship, i compromised TOO MUCH and thank god i got, even thought it was VERY painful. of course there were other factors that lead to the breakup, but this issue in particular cut me to my core.
i dated around after some healing to regain the blow to my sexual self-esteem/confidence and discovered, wow! men find me sexy! ok, so i need to decipher between the good guys and the booty calls, but you get my drift 😉
afterwards i realized that i am neither the ugliest person on earth nor a complete failure as a potential gf/wife. maybe my ex had issues with me he couldn’t deal with (FWIW his personality is VERY indecisive in MANY areas of his life), but whatever, it is what it is.
i am now with a wonderful (and younger, heh heh) man who desires me and accepts me for who i am–good, bad and ugly. we support each other in our endeavors, love each other in different ways and grow as individuals. he is a part of my life, but i refuse to be sucked into the relationship vortex and lose myself.
however, did i have to compromise in other areas? ABSOLUTELY. but compared to what could have been my life a year ago, i wouldn’t change it for the world…i am MUCH more confident, assured, relaxed, happy and decisive than i ever was before. at my core, i am not afraid to walk away and have a better idea of what i NEED vs. WANT in a relationship…and myself.
all of us can rise as a phoenix from the ashes of a fire, whatever it may be 🙂
thanks for letting me share my story, this topic is close to my heart!
I felt completely alone until I read your post! Thank you!
ps: i was in my prime physically (ideal weight range, knew how to look feminine/make the most of my figure/wardrobe, people always told me i looked pretty–i NEVER fished for compliments and was quite shy receiving them). frankly, i LOOKED the best of my ex’s SIL’s (both struggled with being overweight). of course that doesn’t mean much, but what i’m trying to say is that i made sure i wasn’t letting myself go and be undesirable, both inside AND out. so, he couldn’t complain that i was getting dumpy or anything.
now i look EVEN BETTER (ah, the best revenge is doing great) and still make the most with what i’ve got 🙂
sorry, just want to clarify…
Katie 86 Here!! Little update. NOTHINGS CHANGED! I am soooooo depressed. I started seeing a therapist. I feel like I am losing touch with myself. I am no longer happy. I find myself constantly thinking about my relationship. Stressing myself out. Worrying if my boyfriend will relapse. I want to feel loved and wanted. For some reason I am stuck in this rut and am terribly scared to leave my relationship. The sex sucks when it does happen. We both aren’t happy obviously. But neither of us are willing to end this relationship. We’re stuck. I’m sad. I’m now 28 and our relationship is pushing 4 years. I was at one point on cloud nine with this man and am holding on to the memories. I DO love him, tho. We’ve been through so much together. But now it seems he’s unpleased with everything that I do. Sometimes I think that if I didn’t have this relationship to bring me down all the time I could have a brand new, happy life all together. Like I would flourish. He never says I’m pretty. Or makes me feel sexy. (and believe me, other guys hit on me all the time) I always here from other people that your boyfriend’s such a lucky guy to have you and I think to myself. Wow.. if he only felt this way.. I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m afraid. I’m HORNY as hell. And I’m stuck. 🙁
You’re not stuck, Katie. Dump him and start over. Problem solved. EMK
Katy97
I am with Evan. You are unhappier now than 6 months ago. You have had a talk with him. Don’t know if you went for therapy or not *as a couple* but if you haven’t after this time it ain’t going to happen. If it helps you feel any better think about it as dumping the relationship, not him. The breakup might hurt and be scary but you are unhappy already. You will get over the breakup unhappiness. The one you are living now will get no better.
You’re not stuck, Katie. Dump him and start over. Problem solved. EMK
Oh my, Evan. I just saw ur lil add in and it gives me so much more confidence to do what I already know is necessary.
Thank you everybody for your advice. This page has really helped me deal with this issue.
I’m sort of in the same boat. But for me it’s really had me take a deeper look at what I’m desiring. You say 5-9 times a month, which is the same as my bf and I… but that’s about 2x a week. For me the guy I dated prior to my bf was on the edge of sex addict so that put my thinking in a space of sex happens all the time. Now I’m with this new bf, who I’ve been with for about 7 months and living with for about 3 (I know, I know… we moved in REALLY FAST- but it’s been amazing).. this new bf that only wants it on average 2 times a week. Yet, after thinking about it I realized I”m getting everything I need. We have tons of itimacy, he is happy to see me every morning, he adores me, holds me, makes out with me before he leaves for work, let’s me see him vulnerable and when we do have sex it’s amazing. So I realized the issue wasn’t only having sex 2x a week. For me the issue was me and my insecurity. I could see myself marrying this guy (that’s a first for me)… My point is, consistency, love, care, being about to have a best friend in a love can’t be replaced by more sex or less. It’s the connection. More sex doesn’t mean a better relationship. Try masturbating more- I do. And I fantasize about my bf. And focus on how much he loves you, how good the sex is when you have it, try seeing your connection as intimacy. And as for the spark of course it fades… But that’s normal. It’s up to you to keep lighting it not him. He is just a bonus in your life. It’s you who gets to say how things go for you. Get how lucky you are that you have a man who only wants you. I’m saying all this becuse the man I’m with now is the first person ever to love me so easily and freely with no strings attached. I’m projecting a bit. But I’m saying in a long winded way. Many people would love to be in your shoes. Trust me on that one. 🙂
katie and kim, great posts. i concur: connection and intimacy are so important! being with a man that is in tune with you (and wants to make you happy) is a wonderful gift. katie, if you bf doesn’t hear your pain and want to do anything to make the relationship better (express his attraction to you, figure out stuff at couples counseling, etc), maybe you should consider walking away. we only have one life to live and if you feel you could flourish better as a result, maybe your heart is telling you something…even though you love him and have invested time/energy.
since you aren’t married and have no kids, walking away will be more reasonable (not easy i know, but less complicated).
it sounds like you’ve tried to rectify the situation but he isn’t receptive to working on it for the health of the relationship. NOT GOOD. be brave, do what you know you need to do 🙂
love this post! i’m in the opposite situation. If he doesn’t get sex after a 2 day stretch, he turns into an ass. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 yrs, we have a 6yr old son. Just since May of this year it’s become an issue because that’s when I decided I wasn’t going to give it up all the time anymore when i didn’t want too. It was to the point that I felt raped when we had sex (not that I ever told him no and he went on – more like he knows I don’t want to based on my attitude but does it anyway cause he ‘needs’ it). I also feel stuck. I own the house we live in. When we had our blowup in May he said he wanted to work things out. I don’t have a balls yet to kick him out. UGH. I’m just waiting for him to get fed up and leave.
I’m horny every day and need sex or porn every day. I’m 39…male. Just dumped the gf of a year because it went from 7 times a month to 3 and she won’t see a doctor about it. All myprior girlfriends (9 of them) used to want sex 6 days a week or more. I suppose I had Horton lucky. I can’t imagine being married to a hot wife who only wants sex once or twice a month.
My opinion is that the OP should get her sexual needs met elsewhere. Most women need two men in thier lives. The husband and the sexual male.
Katie99 – take a deep breath and do it.
Telling yourself the truth is vitally important. (No-one else can tell you YOUR truth but you).
If you’re feeling stuck, move on and you won’t be stuck any more.
The answer to this is easy- break up. Men’s libido DECREASES with age beginning in their mid-30’s so this situation will only get worse hate to tell you. If you are NOT already married to him and have NO children yhar you are raising together an will hurt by a split up, it’s time to shake his hand and tell him that “just friends” is “just fine”. In the other hand IF you are over age 45, have raised children, are married and have a lifetume if propertt and investments together AND the sex was really good over the many decades then STAY And accept his low drive. In Either situation a man’s libudo takes a DIVE after age 35. It’s not fair if you toward yourself to deny yourself great sex with a person who won’t participate – heck you can choose NOT to have sex with lots if people… If your significant other is ine if these then get OUT befit to have children, pets, bank accounts, property and investments and will depend in him for returement because these things are wayyy more difficult to get out if than a relationship. He is your “friend” and “room mate”… Admit this to yourself and move back hime to mom where it’s “ok” to date and seek a mate. Love to you from a mom who has a very long and happy marriage (I wouldn’t want my kids to miss out in the best part if marriage so I’m speaking to you as if you were ine if my kids…dump him and make it fast! you will en up committing adultery and e will dump you, humiliating you further this is not a good beginning at all and besides, there are plenty of women with a very LOW libudo thr would he much better for him as well… If you are mismatched here in the aez department, resentment will build and depression will loom over you… Get out now.)
I got to say…I am stunned. Outdone.
You’d break up a relationship for sex? Really? Is your ability to define happiness really that underdeveloped? I am a man of high libido, but I would never, I repeat, never leave a girl because she doesn’t have ‘same interest for bed’.
I could still hug her, i could still cuddle her, i could still kiss her. I could find a way to express my love to her outside lovemaking itself. But here is the problem: here, its all about “me me me me”. “I am not satisfied enough!”, “I am not deriving enough pleasure of him!”.
Really? You serious? With that attitude you’ll find plenty of sex, but love will remain unattainable.
And its amazing how many in the comments agree like its nothing. What am I missing here…
I’m with you on this subject!!!!
I’m in the same situation, as many of these people.
I would never end my relationship, with my wonderful boyfriend, because his libido is less than mine. Instead we have talked about it. Not argued over it and found that at this time, at least, he doesn’t have the desire that I do.
So I’m the one who initiates sex.
To answer your question, the point.
Sex is the most intimate part of a relationship. It isn’t just about f***ing, it’s about that connection, making love, letting one another know how wanted they are. A cuddle here and there is also important, but I guarantee you- if you were being refused sex on a regular basis, it would take its emotional toll on you too.
Interesting that this has come up now, as it is an issue that I have thought about lately. In response to a couple of commentators:
Hadley: There may be some personal responsibility that the OP can take, I would say that she has high expectations. 5 – 9 times a month is a good amount! The insinuation that she’s let herself go sounds like projection from you I’m afraid. We do not all the information about the relationship and we do not know if she has tried some tips from cosmo or similar to increase his sex drive. In fact I do not gather from the letter that the BF’s sex drive has dropped, it seems to show that it has always been like that, but again we do not know. Your agenda seems to be to point out the men blaming that sadly happens often. I agree with you that when there are issues in the relationship that women tend to get more of a pass and the blame is placed on the man. But I do not think that this case has presented that dynamic and I do not gather that from the commentators either. Do you visit PUA/game theory sites a lot? or anything related to ‘manosphere’? In my opinion they have some valid points about how feminism has affected the marriages of today, but remember the ancient wisdom of ring and yang etc..? We need each other – masculine and feminine – so divide and conquer mentality with us Vs them attitude serves only to make things worse….. but of course I could be completely wrong and you could just be a troll or a guy whose frustrated with his own situation and projecting. So yes, women DO need to take responsibility in the situation but in this case it does not sound like the OP has contributed to the lowering of his sex drive. It sounds like the issues has dragged on because she didn’t accept him how was from the beginning – we can’t change people…..we can only change ourselves….
Brett: You sound like a devoted husband – awesome! Im going to go out a limb here and suggest something for you just from a ‘hinch’ I could be SO wrong but here goes, the internet provides limited communication of course. But please, go and swallow that red pill. Do a quicks search on Red pill theories and blogs….Athol Kays blog is a good course. The theory is ultimately women want a leader and when guys loose that masculinity the sexual attraction dies…..so worth a read right?
I think one important thing is missing from the discrepancy in sex drives discussion and it’s the thing that makes this so difficult for the higher sex drive partner. How much of this is truly about biological sex frequency preference and how much of this is caused by lower desire towards a particular partner? What I mean is my sex drive varies greatly depending on who I am with. I’ve had relationships in which I wasn’t wildly attracted to my partners and my sex drive was not very high during those but I’ve had relationships in which I was extremely attracted to my partners and I wanted to have sex daily or even more often that that.
Many times especially in a long term relationship we make compromises, and very often one of those compromises is attraction. We are often even encouraged to choose a long term partner on factors other than attraction, sure having crazy attraction would be great but it’s not the most important thing. So inevitably there will be many people in long term relationships not insanely attracted to their partner. Would this guy want just as much sex after few years with let’s say Angelina Jolie (or whomever he finds the most attractive) as he does with his current partner? I think that might sometimes be a core of this issue and why this issue is so hurtful to the partner with the higher sex drive and also why this issue cannot be solved by a vibrator.
I would bet that this issue is largely caused by disparity in attraction levels to partners, not always by his natural sex drive. I think Evan got lucky that both he and his wife have similar attraction levels to each other but if one partner is much more sexually attracted to the other partner than vice versa (happens all the time in LTRs) you will have this issue and of course that is extremely hurtful to the person who is not desired as much.
The other thing here is can everyone find someone who will be wildly attracted to them or do only very attractive people experience that? I would imagine that very attractive people would be able to experience that much easier but I am sure there are some very average looking people whose partners are still extremely into them sexually.
Of course desire wanes for everyone after a while with the same partner but there is definite evidence that for some people it doesn’t wane all that much. I think those are the people who are really attracted to their partners, who didn’t get married based more on other qualities. That’s not to say that a person might not be really attracted to someone at first and this attraction goes away, that happens also, people do fall in and out of lust and love all the time.
So I guess this woman has a choice. If she wants to experience feeling desired again, she may need to leave. She has to decide what the pros and cons of leaving are and go from there. She can try tricks such as dressing up differently, wearing her hair differently, getting a wig, watching porn during sex and see if that gets the guy more turned on. If he cares about her they can maybe compromise and decide there will be some nights he will give her oral sex or a hand job but then she might have to accept it’s happening out of obligation not desire so at that point it’s probably not much different than a vibrator.
Reading her question made me feel as if I could have written that post word for word. Your reply made some good points. There is no way I would trade who I’m with now for someone who could have sex with me every night. I hadn’t looked at it that way before. I wish I could have both, but that’s life I guess.
I have been suffering from the same problem for the last 2 years. And I feel EXACTLY the same way as you do. I am not a high high libido person but my bf has an erectile dysfunction problem and he is also using antidepressants which kill his libido more. I have tried everything including couple therapy and sex therapy with him. It didn’t work. During all this painful time, I have come to understand that sex is an odd thing, when you are getting enough of it, lack of it doesn’t seem to be a big problem and it feels like you can deal with sexual deprivation. But when you are deprived, you come to understand that it IS important and healthy. if it is important for you, that is what it is. And as long as this is the case, you will be furstrated and unhappy no matter how amazing your boyfriend is. me and my partner have also become friends who sleep occasionally, and I can’t help but I get sexually attracted to other men, with one of who, I suppose (hope?!?), I will fall in love one day. My suggestion is that women with the same problem should do whatever they can including therapy sessions, sex games, reverse psychology or whatever… one day you will feel like you have done all your best; and if you are still unhappy that day, answering the question YES or NO will be just simple.
Hi,
My boyfriend and I are in the same situation. When he knows he is gonna have a really tiring day he just tells me to bring BOB (battery operated boyfriend) over. It works well for us. Takes the pressure of my boyfriend but we still both have a great time. Turns out BOB just stays at his house now.
Try talking it out before doing anything. Theres not a lot of good guys out there.
I am in mid 30’s. For men in this “era” we are hustling to make ends meet,building a stable future for the “team”, take care of the family, and the love of our lives. Yes stress does play a major part in ever day life.
Then there are the guys who have that high requirement regardless of the stress. Either way, I don’t think it makes the guy a crappy hubby or boyfriend. But then again no one forces anyone to be in a relationship. If you made the conscience decision to be in one,then make a conscience decision to “work through things”. If that middle ground cant be found then walk away.
Relationships are about “your” fulfillment. Shocker, huh?
6 – 9 times a month would be more than good for me. I never considered myself to have a high sex drive until I found myself incredibly sexually frustrated with my partner of nearly 3 years. We probably have sex once in 2 – 3 months. We are both 23. It makes me sad because I feel like I’m not attractive. And we have no children, aren’t married and are still young. Surely this will only get worse with age ad the changing of circumstances?
I just don’t know what to do. I feel like we no longer have a connection and like the lady above, I just feel like I am living with my best friend who occasionally wants some action from me when he feels like it. It is totally rubbish 🙁
I totally understand how you are feeling. I am on the same boat. I’m with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we only have sex once a week or once every two weeks. It makes me feel lonely because for me this is so important. I realized it is not me. Not to be conceited but I am very pretty and have a great body. It is him because of his low libido. Sometimes I get so angry because we have talked about it but he gets on the defensive side. It makes me want tocheat on him because that is how mad I get. I don’t have the heart to do it.
Consider urself lucky. I’m 23 and my bf , 25, of 4 years have sex about 2, 3 times a year. A year! i know tht he is the one because as much as I tried I can never get over him. Even when I was with someone else I never culd stop thinking about him every single day. And plz don’t give me that ur young crap, I grew up very fast I have a 9 yr old child. Anyway, I am beyond attracted to him on top of being deeply in love with him. But he has no interest In sex. I’m starting to think he’s an asexual, whatever tht is. I’m sure he’s not gay. Talking to his brothers girlfriends, I found out tht his brothers are the same way so it’s a genetic. Thing. This sucks so bad for me because I am highly sexual. I want it multiple times a day everyday. But he is truly a perfect bf material and I love him so much so I have just come to terms tht sex mite b off the table soon and i will try to b ok with it as long as I can. I kno it’s not a purely sexual thing becuz if it was then I wuld just play with myself or cheat. But I just want to have sex with him, not just sex. I wish he understood tht becuz he thinks I’m just really horny. youd think someone wuld b glad their gf doesn’t cheat wen they don’t get laid for 6 months . But idk wat to do. I love him amd hopefully can b with him forever . If I can’t take it anymore, well I’ll cross tht bridge if I get there. Sigh.. The stupid shit we do as women for love. U can bet a guy wuld never do tht for love.
UPDATE: deal = broke …Thank you EMK! And everyone else who lent me their advice 🙂
I would be utterly happy if my boyfriend and I had sex 5-9 times a month. I do not know why someone would complain of just having sex 5-9 times a month. Thats averaging twice a week!!! Seriously is this person for real lol
I am going through this same thing. My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 3 years. We just started dating 6 months ago. Our sex life was great at first. He is 44 and I am 31. I love him so much and don’t want to leave him. His parents are not doing very good health wise and we just bought a house. He claims he is stressed out and has went to the doctor and was told that he had borderline low testosterone. He won’t take medications for it either. But it is starting to bother me. We have had sex 3 times in the last 4 months. He tells me that he has no want for sex and that he can’t get aroused. But then will turn around and ask me for head almost every night. He can get it up then and get off. But then I am laying there not taken care of and have to use a toy… That doesn’t give me the same gratification. I want my man back!
Rachel,
stop giving him head.
I have learned from 2 very different relationships, if sexual intimacy starts dwindling quickly it is time to go, 2 of the men in my life have done this, they say “nothing is wrong, why should I see a doctor, it will get better”, these are lies, they don’t go to the doctor, they don’t care that their partner is hurting, frustrated and possibly homicidal at times, they make their own selfish decisions and you are left to deal with your own feelings. IT NEVER GETS ANY BETTER.
So appreciate this post… and the response. thank you both.
I’m currently in a similar situation with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We just started living together 3 months ago, but his low libido and evident lack of desire for sex has been an issue for quite some time now. And it’s only intensified now. Now before I go on, a few things to take into consideration are: He is an avid marijuana smoker and he works day/night shifts at a car factory. His commute to work is almost an hour one way. So I realize those two things most likely play a factor in his low libido. I REALLY try to be understand of his work schedule. However when the opportunity to have sex with me is in front of him, he passes it up pretty much all the time. I have to nag him to have sex with me, and it’s completely ridiculous that even have to do that. Men don’t understand how important it is to feel desired (sexually) by our man. We don’t need that attention from the millions of guys at the bar. We just need it from the one guy we have at home. And that’s my issue. I feel rejected. He has openly admitted he prefers to watch porn occasionally or masturbate himself because it’s just easier instead of putting in the effort to have sex. Which leaves me feeling neglected. It’s not fair that he’s only taking care of his own needs. So I’m constantly frustrated sexually, which makes me get angry in other aspects of the relationship. I’ve told him this numerous times but he doesn’t see sex as a huge deal. He keeps saying he loves me for more than just sex and he has said that sex now is kind of boring, but that you can’t expect the spark to be there forever. But that he loves me more than that anyway. It’s just hard to accept that we’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy.
We’re both 27 and I’m experiencing the same situation. We’ve been together two years, I firstly had the serious convo at the start of the relationship but thought he was just shy. Then had the next serious convo about a year later when I realised things weren’t really improving. And now I’ve bought it up four times over the past fortnight, he just doesn’t want to meet me half way. I know he loves me and he says hell try harder to initiate things but he hasn’t. You’d think the following night or two after ‘the convo’ you’d pick up your balls and make a move. But no. And what’s worse is we are now expecting a baby. I’m so stressed out that this is it..
I am in the same situation. On top of that, my boyfriend and I also work opposite shifts.
However, I have no problem waking him and for a little afternoon delite, and he has no problem letting me have my way 🙂
After two discussions about our different libido’s, we decided I will have to be in charge of this department, in our relationship. He handles the finances, and I handle the sex! hahaha
I’ll admit, I would like him to take initiative at times, but I would not let this be a deal breaker.
He is an amazing man, whom I’m deeply in love with, and we have an amazing relationship, in every other aspect.
I’m a guy (36). My libido is not what it was. I could happily go without for a week or more at a time but I’m capable to go daily also if I wish. I do an extremely physically demanding job and am a terrible sleeper too so sometimes I am shattered but apart from flu, not man flu, real flu, I could always find reserves enough for 15 mins to half hour for a women I care about.
If I loved someone, really loved them, I would consider this a minor task to, at worst endure, on a daily basis. “If” it was a matter of enduring occasionally I would make it my mission in life to keep it from her!
Admittedly if his stuff doesn’t work properly that’s entirely different ball game.
I’m so glad I came across this. I felt like I was reading my own story. Only trouble is, my partner isn’t a wonderful boyfriend. He’s a very rough person, and has really high walls. Deep down I see the good person he is and patiently love him as best I can.
I was Catholic so I didnt have sex till I was 21 and discovered that I have a very high sex drive. I married a gamer, and anyone who’s been in a relationship with a gamer sees where this went. I would stand in lingerie while he would play WoW and say that he can’t, he’s raiding. So that ended in divorce.
Now I’m with another gamer. And while I enjoy gaming, I have learned how much of a killer of the libido this hobby can be. Men get incredibly lethargic, and not even a beautiful woman that loves them can pull them away from their controllers for an hour. Society tells us women that apparently we’re supposed to be frigid bitches who use sex like a weapon. I’ve never turned down a boyfriend for sex. Unless I was sick or in pain, I always put out for my man and yet I end up feeling neglected, unwanted. It hurts when you’re partner isn’t in the mood, because you feel like it has to do with you. Its damaging on a person’s sense of security.
I get turned down almost all the time withnt partner. As much as I love and care for him, I still end up crying quietly when he turns me down.
Sex is wonderful . Its intimate and pleasurable and I don’t understand how people go so long onths, years) without it. Its simply tragic. Maybe we high libidos are the weirdos here. But when you’re drive is high, I think it becomes a physical and emotional need.
Some of us believe couples should always have separate bank accounts. Some of us believe that couple should pool all their money into one account, share everything. I don’t believe either one is right or wrong. I see the benefits in both. So I just have to decide what I think is needed. And then rank that in importance.
My view on money is not as high as sex. Because money comes and goes (goes more often these days) and since its not a big deal to me, I’ll adapt to whatever my partner prefers.
But sex is an expression of love, and it is important to me. And being with someone that doesn’t want it that much can really tear at you. Make you feel undesirable (you know, the old “if I was skinnier/tanner/brunette/Asian/bigger-breasted he would totally want me right now” that goes through a woman’s head every time she puts herself out there, asking a man- ASKING a man, to take her clothes off and make love to her right there on the couch and he just goes “nah”. Its disheartening and at times, soul-crushing.
You have to ask yourself, is this going to continue to make me miserable? Its pretty simple. You can love him till you’re blue in the face. If there is little to no return of that love in a way that you enjoy and can feel satisfied.. Like I said, its pretty simple. We’re not meant to live in misery.
I have been married for 2.5 years and i’m having the same problem. We have two daughters, aged 8 & 1, things at home are lovely, my husband is very affectionate towards me all of the time but we only have sex 3 maybe 4 times a month. I have raised the issue on numerous occasions as me myself also have a high sex drive, sex with my husband is amazing and nothing like i have ever had, bit it getting less and less and i’m becomjng more and more frustrated, i couldnt bare to be without him and he promises to make more time for me but then it reverts back to usual, he works very very hard however makes time for working out twice a week to make himself feel better about himself and look better for me so he says and also has the energy for his other kids every fortnight… I dont Know what to do but get angry now, leaving isnt an option unless i want my children to be without their father which i dont. I can sympathise with this woman as when my husband and i first met we were rampant, kids arent to blame either, time together can be easily made if the want for it is really there. has only changed in last 18months. if u are unhappy and have to serious ties like kids then just walk if it affects u so much.
I’m in the same boat… sex is a once a month affair because I push for it at least once a month with hints etc… been this way since we had our first baby…. 9yrs ago. Ended up having 3 kids.. I timed our once a month activity well to fall preggies. Love my kids and hubby very much. But the lack of intimacy leaves me feeling broken and empty ;( have also had many discussions but it never gets better. He cheated on me 5yrs ago and then i cheated as i felt unworthy of intimacy…. we made it through all that and our relationship is strong. But the lack of intimacy is heartbreaking. 6 to 9 times a month is Wow. 3 to 4 times a month would make me the happiest woman in the world!
I’m always confused at why a refusing spouse would go and have an affair, like in your case, CP.
I know the feeling you mentioned about feeling broken and empty. I think that’s putting it mildly. But why do you think he cheated if you were a willing partner?
I am in a similar situation and very dissatisfied.. I have talked to him about it several times.. There’s always an excuse and still nothing changes even after promises and promises.. I’m so tired of other people always ltelling me how pretty and attractive I am when the man I love and live with has barely ang sex drive. The bottom line is if you have to keep talking about it become so uncomfortable that you start losing interest. I keep thinking it’s going to get better but it never does and now I’m just resentful.. My heart is sad but believe me a relationship needs many things but you have to have the intimacy to survive! It starts making you feel very sad and unwanted and depressed.. I want my lover to desire me and be excited at the thought of love making not have to complain about it. .. I mean isn’t that what makes it the best when two people desire each other If we think about this it’s ridiculous and I say we move on . It will hurt like hell but if we don’t a piece of our spirit dies a little every day . I’m passionate person and need the intimacy. I think 2 to 3 times a week is normal and pretty average.
I have been dating a guy for a little while now. Overall it’s going really well, he helps me out with chores and errands all the time, gets along wonderfully with my family and friends. Treats me, my things, and my pets amazingly… However, the amount of sex that I want VS. the amount he wants varies wildly. If it were up to me I would have sex at least every other night if not EVERY night (and morning if I had my way) and he seems content to just NEVER have sex. He has said himself he is a “sex camel” and can go without it.
I am unable to just not take it personally. I try not to but, I can’t help but think he isn’t attracted to me. I know I’m not super model and I do have extra weight I carry around but, I am by no means obese or way over weight. I deal with insecurities everyday as it is and this isn’t helping my self esteem any.
There is an age difference between us and I wonder if that is part of the explanation. I’m 26 and he is 32 and I have wondered if it is simply the fact that he is past the sexual prime age range of his early twenties that could be causing this rift in our needs and desires.
Call me crazy but, I believe sex is a HUGE part of any happy healthy relationship. It creates a closer bond and in many ways can reassure a partner that you still love them and find them attractive. I’m not sure how to remedy the situation as ending a relationship that is otherwise perfect over sex is simply not a thought that has even crossed my mind.
It is however nice to know that there are other women out there that have the same issues in their love life.
we went from an amazing sex life as we dated 2 years.soon as we were married he started having ED problems . Now even though he is on Cialis still shows little interest. I feel bamboozled,Robbed,Tricked. He used to say ”wanna keep my attention,wear short skirts.” Well that does’t apply anymore I guess .nothing does.We halve been married a year and a half now.I am at the point I am losing my attraction toward him because of all his disinterest in me.
It is not shallow to be considering a break up over sexual unfulfillment. There is the very real possibility that what she finds unlivable now will only decrease even further within marriage. I am there but now there are children’s needs to consider. Mine is content with once a month or two and even then it is “take it or leave it” and he gets angry or irritated if I dare initiate. He has no interest in changing things. I would rather not go longer than 2-3 times a week but he obviously has me over a barrel with that. Being constantly frustrated magnifies every other problem big or small and it is very hard to keep resentment in check. My children are the only reason I would choose this road. If your boyfriend is not concerned about your feelings and willing to find some middle ground it is a huge red flag and you should weigh your decision carefully as you could possibly save yourself years of frustration (pun intended).
I divorced 6 months ago from my husband of 10 years because I thought in the beginning of our relationship that I am superficial to see different sex drives as a deal breaker. In the beginning of the relationship we made love once a week (and there were times when he couldn’t get it up even at that rate) which seemed a bit weird for me but I didn’t push him and tried to be as supportive and discreet as possible because I liked him very much. He also told me that he was used to having sex once a month. To cut the long story short it became such a big issue (we even had a year of celibacy because I decided that I won’t initiate to see whether he would… well, he didn’t) in the end. And it wasn’t only the lack of sex, it was the lack of cuddles, kisses, connection. Lack of his will to understand what I would like in a relationship though I compromised, compromised, compromised, tried to understand and accept him as he was – unfortunately I suffered for too long. In the end I was frustrated, passive-agressive, despised him, blamed him though it was my own stupid decision to overlook the sexual part of a relationship, to overlook my core need for intimacy in a relationship. Usually that kind of incompatibility becomes worse and worse over time – really think about it. It is not superficial to desire a physical connection (actually it goes hand in hand with an emotional connection as well) with your sweetheart.
I have to say that his very low sex drive also translates into the way he lives. He has no initiative, he is very comfortable, has no interests, has no spark, no desire for anything – at the same time he is a nice guy with a kind heart. It was a very, very hard lesson to learn because I constantly suppressed what I felt, thinking that I was superficial because he was a nice guy. Do not make the same mistake and do not settle for just niceness.
It’s soo weird that I saw this right after having a heated discussion with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years of the same situation. I feel he has become complacent in our sex life. I’m okay with 2 times a week if that’s all he wants but I do want to feel wanted. The sex has become routine and no passion. Although he is very sexy and in extremely turned on by him, I have to remind myself constantly on why that’s not a deal breaker. I liked your response. It’s good to hear I’m not the only one. The thing is, men like new, and if their sex drive has diminished, it’s prob because they are comfortable with you. Thanks for sharing.
This is very bad you must make an appointment with a Urologist not normal needs his Testosterone checked He has a medical problem I am inbaresed for him help this man out.
I’m in the same situation, with less frequency. 2-3 times a month (if it’s a good month). I’m 25, he’s 30. We’ve been dating for 4 years, living together 3. I’m in very good shape, and more experienced so I know what I’m doing, and when it happens it’s great but it’s not very often. I try to initiate but it’s always a let down. He’s very sweet and affectionate, always cuddling and kissing and we’ve built a great home. He grew up in a repressive Christian religion, when he lost his virginity as a teenager the pastors told him it was the same sin in god’s eyes as murder. we are both nonreligious now (he left the church after that) but I feel this shame with sex has a lot to do with his problems, and his anger issues but though he’s acknowledged this he refuses to talk to someone. I’ve told him he needs to figure it out or I’m afraid it will lead to me cheating. He has been saying for years I’ll get better, you deserve me to be better, I’ll work on it and it’s fine for a couple weeks and then it goes back to 1-3 times a month. I’ve threatened to leave, we’ve cried, I just don’t know what do because I love him. He wouldn’t be ok with me having an outside outlet, but I’m worried it might come to that.
My advice is…. RUN..! I’m a male with a very high sex-drive masturbating 2-3 times a day in a 40 year old relationaship. I can tell you it will only get worse. We starting off with sex everyday. Ten years and two lovely Daughters later she started withholding to the point where 1 in 20 requests for sex was my success rate. In the last ten years we’;ve had sex about 10 times. I’ve been destroyed with depression caused by feeling unloved, useless, inadequate in everything, no self esteem, no confidence, this list goes on. I’ve tried suicide twice unsuccessfully, (yes I really did mean to do it, no cry for help here). I’ve had counselling for depression which has just about worked. Why am I still with her? I still, even after the way she treats me, love her and I have dumb principles like ‘For better or worse’.
This is what’s in store for you if you stick with him!
I just want out of marriage and life. I’m just waiting for the heart attack when hopefully no-one’s around. This existence is cruel. And its all caused by the lack of love, affection, and sex.
There are loads of guys out there who’d love to be with someone like you. It’s all about the great feeling you get from knowing someone wants to be with you anytime and fancies you rotten.
I’ve never met a man who would be willing to marry a woman who didn’t want to have sex or was sexually unsatisfied with the woman he was with no matter how marriageable she was. Women shouldn’t have to choose, we should be able to have both. Just because decent men are hard to find doesn’t mean women should settle. It means Men need to step up.
I have a higher sex drive than my husband of 15 years I’m 49 he’s 44 we have sex once a week which I think is ok for that many yrs, I would like it more but I’ll live, I have been in a relationship where he wanted it far more than me and I felt awful for not wanting it, I was attracted to him just not in the mood, it’s bad on both people, my husband loved me enough to go see his Dr his testosterone was bottomed out, he now gets injections and things are better but we both work outdoors and in Texas so after 8 hours in 115 degrees so it’s understandable, and I’ve also learned if you become disinterested in sex for awhile he will want it more.
This girls is literally in my situation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years as well and my sex drive is at a 9 and his is maybe a 3. We only have sex 1 time a week if that and we are 20 years old. We fight about it all the time too and I’m constantly asking myself if this is something to break up over. But then I realize he works everyday from 6-6 hard labor and he’s ALWAYS tired. And then in the weekends he has off but he’s either too tired then or too drunk to stay awake. It’s extremely frustrating since I am a very sexual person and I love my boyfriend very very much and he is amazing in bed. So it’s also a disappointment becauSe he’s wasting his talent!! So I feel this girls pain. And I don’t know what to do either.
I think this is a tough one to answer.
If person “x” has a high sex drive and person “y” has a low one, there is a real problem, and only the author would know the solution to that one.
139 – yes, I can fully identify with that and have felt the same feelings as you in a relationship. I chose to leave (there were no children involved with this man). Something for you to think about though 139. In my first relationship, the sex was good and plentiful. The rest of the relationship did not work at all. I can’t say that I still love my ex-husband or miss him. (This was the first relationship). In the second relationship, the sex started GREAT, the love & kindness, respect and fun was there – but for some reason, I did not meet his needs.
Of course, somewhere I know that something caused the sex to cool off (and this is not a dig at you, or a criticism) but I don’t know what that issue was (and yeah, I asked him, did the sex counselling thing, did some close looking at myself in relationship to him and other people but never found the right answer. I wish I had. I wish that this guy would have told me what the hell was going on.
Maybe someone else is in that situation. It might be you 139, or maybe 142.
Is it really just fatigue and hard work?
Open question, including for myself.
I’m going through it now. He’s always tired due to stress, unemployment and medical marijuana. He used to be very sexual. It’s been 2 months since he initiated intimacy/sex. I have told him how I felt so many times and have also told him my frustrations and that we should just be friends. He hasn’t changed nor made any effort or pursued me sexually. I’m feeling like he is not interested. 2 months is not acceptable. I need to move on. So, I had sex the other night with a long time friend. I’m going to leave him and tell him we can be friends in the future. I’m done and must move on, be happy and satisfied. I will not give the benefits of being a girlfriend and not get anything back. Good luck to all and remember, focus on yourself, be haapy with someone who will give back 🙂
I just made the decision to break up with my boyfriend of 4 months due to sexual incompatibility. Since age has been brought up several times, I will state for the record that I am 44 and he is 41. My dissatisfaction has multiple facets to it, some of which I am certain I will hear some backlash for.
Some brief backstory: I have been married 2x prior. 1x for 8 yrs (from 18-26) and the second time for 14 yrs. I had very few sexual encounters before #1 or between either. After leaving #2, which was an emotionally, verbally and psychologically damaging relationship (where, ironically, sex was very frequent and satisfactory – or so I thought) I moved across country and began exploring my sexuality. Likes, dislikes, etc. My first time having sex outside of my marriage was with an old friend. Within 10 seconds of him being inside of me I literally said out loud: “Oh, my God! THIS is what it is supposed to feel like?” I had unwittingly discovered that to MY body, size really did matter.
For the next 2 years, I “dated” – meaning I chose not to be in a committed relationship. I had issues to work out re: trust (both exes cheated and as I said #2 was just a horrible mess altogether.) so I wasn’t ready and knew that. I was; however, in my sexual prime – libido through the roof and curious about everything.
So I (safely) went about trying different things with different partners (and, NO, not simultaneously – nor was anyone under the impression we were exclusive at any time). I threw out the idea of a “type” of guy and dated men from all walks of life, shapes and sizes, colors, etc. After a while, the “excitement” kind of dwindled and as I worked on myself more and more I realized I was over the fling of the moment and was ready to have an actual boyfriend. Someone to share time with and enjoy in and out of bed on every level.
Enter my first BF after 3.5 yrs of being single and playing the field. Super sweet, funny, foodie, very social, musically inclined, manly yet sensitive in a balanced way. Not perfect looking – a lil extra to love, but that was okay. Then, in getting to know one another, the list of potential problems began to emerge:
He is sickly often. Has serious back issues. And just too much to list. I tried to put that all aside because none of us are perfect, myself especially. Due to his myriad of health problems, he cannot perform often or well and is unable to orgasm. He is also not the endowment size my body responds to.
We have talked about it. We have tried different positions, toys, you name it. It isn’t working for me at all. As much as we give one another in every other area, it is just one I cannot compromise on. So, last night I chose to end it.
We are both heartbroken, but I can’t see a long-term scenario with him in which our sex life is a satisfying one for me and I would rather bow out gracefully before putting more time into it knowing this is my truth. No, sex isn’t everything. And yes, relationships are compromise. This just wasn’t one I could see continuing without resentment and hurt building and creating an unhealthy situation for the two of us…
You did the right thing.
I wish more women were this brave…And to be honest, I think most women are…if she and her partner are SEXUALLY incompatible.
But most women don’t have the courage to walk away from RELATIONSHIP-incompatible men OR if the sexual compatibility is great but the relationship stinks. If the sex is great she’ll overlook all kinds of relationship-incompatibilities and try to “change” him to suit her instead of dumping him.
In this way, I think women are more sex-obsessed than men. Men will eventually dump the hot sex kitten if the relationship with her doesn’t make him happy, even if the sex was great. Women will not dump men who give her orgasms even if he’s a cheating jerk. Interesting, no?
Agreed. And thank you for the feedback. Just a little addition to my back story. I didn’t know either husband had cheated until after I left. #2 had probably been for the entire time we were together, but I was so Gaslighted by his control I never saw it…
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now and have a 2 year old together. We went from having sex all the time to I’m lucky if I get it 2x a month. I still want it all the time but he doesn’t. I know how hurtful and rejected it makes people feel. So when you come up with a solution PLEASE let me know.
I am a woman who can sympathize with this woman. I have been in a 2 year relationship with my BF and from the beginning, we have had this issue. We as well have argued about his lack of intimacy. I’ve tried to tell him how important being intimate with him is to me. It’s more than intercourse, its the closeness, the bond you have with your partner, that makes the act of sex special. Sex is an important component of a relationship. Believe me, I’ve gone through all the emotions of this problem. I’ve tried sexy lingerie, being seductive, but in all my relationships over the years, this is the ONLY one where I’ve ever felt more undesirable and “ugly” . I’ve gone to bed many nights in the past 2 years silently crying myself to sleep. NO ONE, man or woman should ever feel like this in a love relationship. I’m ready to leave this relationship. Yes, my BF is a good man, but he’s lazy, in the fact that he does not validate my feelings or even make an effort to try!
Should she leave…YES, It’s not you, its HIM. It’s his problem, not yours. There is a man out there who will love and validate your feelings and rock your world!!
Cherie,
Your boyfriend may be a good man, but he’s a bad boyfriend.
Don’t just “think” about leaving him. Do it.
YOU deserve to have your needs met. If you stay, HE’s having his needs met, but you’re not. There is no incentive for him to change.
Go out and find a guy who feels the same way about sex that you do.
The response to the ladies dilemma was written I am led to believe by a man. Men very typically have black and white reponses and view points. They similarly wish to ‘fix’ situations and if something cannot be fixed they seem to then have little patience or time for it. They write it off/dismiss it, almost have oh just except it and especially if a situation is more emotionally led they can find it even harder to relate and understand. Woman do not see or feel so literally and in black or white terms. I felt this lady’s dilemma was not dealt with at all sensitively and was almost turned back on her as purely her issue and almost making her feel guilty for feeling like she did and that it had nothing to do with the man (aren’t men quite good at turning things round so it no longer is about them but something the woman has done/should have done) This situation of hers is a complicated and upsetting one where she is clearly struggling. Who ever wrote the reply has an extremely impatient and insensitive viewpoint of women’s feelings and thought patterns. And can I ask lets just say the man to whom replied to this woman had a wife who rejected him sexually, was not compatible with his sex drive and turned him down on regular basis; would he be of that same view point, well its not their fault but my issue so get on with it and just rememebr her good points??? Seriously doubt it. He too would feel hurt and frustrated and distant from his partner. And had a woman replied to his situation would be far more sensitive and less one sided. How can he possibly judge when he has never experienced this situation or appreciate the sheer importance of sexually intimacy? He cannot be so naive and blinkered surely to not see how important a healthy intimate sex life is and if it doesn’t happen so much, well get over it basically and think of their good points! The impact on a person is huge. It affects them and in turn their partner and finally the relationship. I am a solicitor and sadly see only first hand the effects in a relationship where one partner feels pushed away, rejected and hurt when sex is rarely happening. The effect on self esteem, closesness, the bond etc can be huge and once this happens it can unravel very quickly. She needs to talk to her partner. Uncomfortable and tricky I know, but this is too much of a big issue not to. It will eat and eat away at her until there is no going back to what it once was or could have been. You need to try and see if there is any way this can be resolved. Don’t be the one to sacrifice what you need, yes compromise, together but don’t sacrifice because you will resent your decision and then in tun him. Talk to him, give him the chance to at least see if he can work with you on this and if there is something that can be done. Good luck x
So many different opinions and viewpoints about one thing that we all want. I believe a lot has to do with how you was brought up – how your parents treated each other and the affection they showed in front of you.
Me, I’m going through a similar lack of sex issue with my boyfriend of 15 years. He is 45 and I am 57. We use to sleep different times, We had a great sexual relationship until I began to gain weight in 2009 ( this was unknown to the the reason until Sept 2015 and I had gained 70 pounds, yikes!) when I found several adult dating sights on his computer and phone and chats with other women about how he loved me but was not attracted to me and needed a discrete sexual relationship. I confronted him and he fessed up that it was my weight and that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Was he for real – not wanting to hurt me, like trying to have an affair wouldn’t do that?!? This mistrust made me change my sleep – I sleep about 3 hours before he comes home @ 12:15 am and I go back to sleep when he comes to bed around 3:30 am. Then I get up for work myself at 5:30 am. He goes in at 3 pm, so we talk on the phone before he leaves and maybe on one of his 2 breaks. Sept 28 I started exercising and to date I have lost 38 pounds, in 10 weeks. He works 2nd shift and me first, so we seldom see each other. He continues to lie about talking to other women on those sites and masturbating to them – Nov we went out for his birthday and just so happens a gal wrote him when I had his phone – I began to chat with her and eventually she told me that he had told her he was leaving me as soon as he could to be with her. He would have me observe him call and cancel a website if I found it on the c/card bill. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me. He has told me even as recent as this afternoon that I haven’t seen any chats on his phone or computer – I’m no dummy – he has hidden all these and I found an app this morning that locked all those photos, chats, etc but I couldn’t access it because he has it set to open with his thumb print. I have found some history of him viewing local women 18-20. I’ve viewed his google maps history on his phone when he tells me he’s on his way home – just to see if he was and 9 times out of 10 he was sitting in a parking lot in a remote place, I feel he’s chatting. He tells me I’m paranoid. I am a kind of jealous person, when he’s joking or flirting with another lady – I acknowledge that they are gorgeous and it’s ok as long as they know he’s all talk – or is he?
I know you are asking me why do I stay with this man – because I love him. As far as sex, we have not had any intercourse for quite a while I think 3 times last year and only 1 time the year before that – he has told me once I loose the weight I will get it more often. I broke down today about that and told him I have lost almost 40 pounds and went from a size 18-20 pants to 10/12 and nothing has changed, I have tried to seduce him lately only to have my confidence crushed by him continually saying no. I have lost my will to reach my goal, I realize nothing is going to change. Compromise is what I ask of him, to met my needs once in a while and yes I already use toys. He expressed that he does love me, and he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to have sex! Really – I question if he is using me to help with the bills only to stay in his house. I worked on his credit since 2001 to get him to the point he could buy a house and new car, otherwise I don’t think he’d have a a penny to flip.
One fact you should know. We are also fighting the state about the child support the court is still taking out of his pay, going to his ex, his oldest daughter is married and 21 and the youngest is soon to be 20 and doesn’t work and not in school. Doing without $800 a month really puts stress on your relationship. I’d like to be getting that kind of “free” money. She’s not giving any to the kids either. Matter of fact, the older called last month asking us to send her rent money so they wouldn’t get kicked out of their apartment. We had to get a lawyer for $5000 to file to get this stopped. This has been going on for almost 4 years, you figure how much “free” money she’s gotten and won’t have to pay back – sickening. I’m not sure but this may be an underlying cause of some of his issues.
I am surprised that porn use didn’t come up more often. With how easy it is to satisfy every visual fantasy you could possibly have, especially older men just don’t have the energy to satisfy their visual desires as well as their eck hem “wife!” or “girlfriend!” who they “see” all the time. My husband and I are in our late 40’s and have sex almost every night. We have been together since our teens. Did he lose sexual interest in me at some point? Yes, he did. Did I lose sexual interest in him at some point? Yes, I did. Raising kids is hard work, especially when one has autism. I was way too exhausted for sex most nights. I am sure he felt rejected and turned to fantasy and porn. When the kids were grown my sex drive increased. When he declared he didn’t care if he has sex with me or himself it really hit me … I’m sure as hard as it hit him when I was “too exhausted”. So he desensitized his brain on porn and over the top photoshop perfection then he has to “get hard” for me? hahaha … Thanks Viagra! Because I’m still the one for him … Ok, in all seriousness … I could have asked for him to take more interest in his kids and housework to help me out .. then I may not have been so exhausted. But I didn’t. He could have seen my distress and helped me out without me asking, but … he didn’t. I can’t be every woman, I can’t compete with his fantasy’s … but I can keep the lines of communication open to talk about these things. So I think it is very important to find different ways of how you bring up the topic and talk it out. I know it’s not what guys really love to do, or so I’ve read but its worth a few more shots to get to the bottom of what is going on as well as your expectations vs his expectations in the relationship so you can come to a compromise.
the reeling i do at night, googling, after a gut-wrenching “smooch” which leaves the answer to sex all too obvious… is wonder if i am with a closeted partner? am i too curvy? why can’t he just touch me, not just sex, but touch, time… it’s like i am with the real life anchorman who is constantly joking about sex, but doesn’t have it. it sucks because my self-esteem is tanking fast. i constantly feel myself questioning if my instincts are awful or if i am just unlucky. i, too, ADORE my boyfriend. except this is killing that spark. not even trying to engage. it’s tragic. and shameful to talk about, as women, this makes us feel worse, to be shamed. his lack of intimacy is NOT my fault, nor should i be made to feel i am asking for more than my share of happiness. we have an egalitarian and reciprocal atmosphere, but i feel rejected physically. that’s HUGE. intimacy is the most important thing and if one partner feels shut out and down, all sorts of problems arise. it erodes all the great aspects! it’s not a petty resentment to need touch as a human being.
My boyfriend has a very high sex drive. he wants it more than 4 or 5 times a day!!! I did agree to at least once a day and he is still yellling and screaming at me and threatening to leave me.
The reason why they may have low sex drives with their girlfriends or wife’s cause they are a bunch of wankers.who probably just finds to watch porn sites much easier than making real effort with their partners. Otherwise they must be not well at all.
I’m 37 and my boyfriend is 34. I hit the gym and stay in shape whereas he’s a couch potato with an ever-growing gut. We’ve been together for a couple of years and we don’t live together. I want sex as much as we can when we see each other on the weekends. He’s fine with none or once a week. I don’t get it. I have guys in their early twenties hitting on me who would love to have sex with me. Of course, I’m committed and would never dream of it, especially with someone that much younger. It’s just hard to understand that other guys want me, but my boyfriend could take it or leave it. I, too, feel lonely and heartbroken when he isn’t smitten with me and all over me. I’ve come to have lower expectations of quantity of sex.
Why are you committed to someone who makes you unhappy? You don’t have kids, you aren’t married. Why are you staying?
My bf and I have been dating 6 years and recently moved in with each their. We have sex three times a month now if I’m lucky.. I communicate my needs but he brushes them off and I often feel neglected to the point of tears. I enjoyed reading this post
I’m the kind of guy that would be more than happy with sex every single day. I admit that I have a high sex drive. I always have had one. I’ve been diagnosed bi-polar, and us bi-polar folks generally have pretty high sex drives. Just a symptom of the illness. I’m almost 29 and can go at it like I’m still a teenager. Doing it three times a day is nothing to me.
I’ve been with my girlfriend, now fiancee, for three years. If I’m lucky I’ll get sex four times a month. My expectations are not unrealistic. I don’t expect her to be up for sex every single night. I accept that she works, I work, and maybe she’s stressed out and/or just not in the mood. I would love it twice a week. I don’t think that’s unfair at all. I have two hands that can take care of the need otherwise. It’s not like I don’t make it enjoyable for her. I’ll go down on her, touch her, and do any of the positions she enjoys regardless if I’m tired or getting fatigued. When we do have sex, it’s amazing.
The issue I have is that she used to want sex more frequently than I did and now seems completely uninterested in it. She would stop by on her lunch break for a quickie. She would come into the living room and go down on me completely at random. She would put on sexy outfits or role play with me frequently. It’s one thing to have mismatched libidos from the very start and try to make it work. It’s completely another when you’re together for a year and she can’t keep her hands off you, and then it seems like she just doesn’t want it anymore. I understand the whole honeymoon phase and how it wears off eventfully and so on, but I don’t feel that a high craving for sex has any effect on the honeymoon phase. Three years into this relationship and I still want her as frequently as I always have.
I try not to take it personally, but I don’t know how not to. Having sex once a week or once every week and a half is not something that makes me happy. I’m thoroughly confused as to what the issue is. It’s not like I’m a lazy guy, either. I work a job, I take care of the dog practically single-handedly, I do laundry )hers and mine), I vacuum, I mop, I clean house, I do the dishes, occasionally cook, make the bed every morning, dust, jot down the finances in an Excel spreadsheet every week, and the list goes on. I have lost weight since we first met also. She has gained some, but it’s not like I ever tell her that or make fun of her appearance in any way. I try every day to let her know I think she’s beautiful. I’ve surprised her with flowers, just-because gifts, notes written on the bathroom mirror, on a chalkboard, surprise emails, surprise phone calls while she’s at work just to tell her I love her. It’s not like I’m some lazy couch potato watches as she does all of the housework and then thinks I’m going to get some action after not showering for a few days and being a complete lazy sack of crap.
I’m not perfect by any means. But I do think that I’m a good man whose family showed him how to be a good man and how to properly treat a woman. I take care of her physically and emotionally as best I can. Sore neck? I rub it. Sore foot? I’ll rub those, too. There was a time she would have me lay down and give me back rubs. I can count on one hand how often that’s happened in the last three years. Have we fought about what I feel is a lack of sex? Of course. We’ve fought about it numerous times. She says she feels pressured to do it, which I say I don’t understand. I don’t sit down with her and say, “Come on, let’s do it.” I very rarely bring it up. When I do, it’s because I’m at the point where I would really like to do it and the lack of it is so profound that I’m constantly noticing how little of it there is. I may approach her about it once a week. I don’t see how me being confused and feeling rejected is putting pressure on her. I sense an overall lack of effort on her part. Is it enough to make me consider leaving her? Yes, it is.
It’s not just about sex. Sex is only the catalyst for what it really means to me. It indicates a total lack of effort or interest. How can I continue to make the effort, to show her I love her, to show her I’m still into her after three years when it’s rarely reciprocated? I can’t tell you the last time I was woken up by sex or oral. It used to happen pretty frequently. Now she’ll get up in the morning, sometimes hours before me, and will sit in front of the TV until I get up. She’ll greet me, and then it’s back to the TV. I go some days just noticing all of the times that she could initiate it with me, that she could take 30 minutes and just give me something that helps me feel that deep connection to her. It’s not like we don’t have time. All day Saturday and Sunday and most week nights. Seems to me she’d rather watch 5-hour blocks of TV shows than take a half an hour and put in some actual work.
I feel EXACTLY the same way brother. I am living nearly the same life. I have the same experience. She was all horny the first few years of our relationship, I thought I had found the one for me, but as soon as we moved in together, it dropped like a rock. I bought a house for us, fixed her car many times including fixing her AC to the tune of $1000.00. I got her a boob job. To be clear SHE wanted it, i actually tried to talk her out of it. In the end i hoped it would help her self confidence, and might get her back to a hornyer woman she had been. I do love her new tits however… when I get to play with them. I cook gourmet meals nearly every night, I am funny, entertaining, and told by many wemen, that I am very sexy. Add to that I am rather well endowed, and have been told by nearly every woman I have ever been with, that I am a great lover… what is a girl not to like? Well that is what my current girlfriend USED to say. I was the only guy to give her an orgasm regularly. I thought I had it made. I am in my 50’size now, I have spent my whole life looking for that woman. She is out there, but sadly, it turns out this one is not it. Yes I love her, she is a great lover when she wants sex, that used to be 3 times a day even (not every day 3 times, but sometimes) 2 times a day was not unusual, I could count on her WANTING sex at least once a day. He’ll I didn’t even have to ask. Not now… oh well it was great while it lasted…..
To the woman who asked this to start with and to all you other sex loving ladies. First off I want to say “I love you!!” DO NOT settle, I did, I settled for nearly 30+ years, I compromised, I tried to talk to my wives ( I have had 2 now) I went to counseling for myself to see if I had a screw loose because of my high sex drive, (it was determined, I in fact do not have a screw loose, I just love sex, and there is not one thing wrong with that!) I talked to my girlfriends, I went to couple counseling, my wife and I even went to a Dr to see if there was something physically wrong with her. (There was not, I am rather well endowed, so after my wife had her first baby, sex was better for her, she never liked it as much as I do) ultimately the end result was I have been married twice, I have been divorced twice. I doubt I will ever marry again. I have always had either a wife or girlfriend, a few times I had both at the same time. DO NOT JUDGE me, it actually helped my marriage, because it took care of my needs that my wife was unable to take care of. I am telling you this as a cautionary tail. You see for one to have an affair, one must have a willing partner. The best lovers are the ones who have as much to lose as you. The VERY BEST lovers are the ones who, like you ladies, are left still feeling “hungry” at home. My point is this, if your not getting “enough to eat” at home, sooner or later you will get so hungry that you will stoop to “dumpster diving” to get what you need. Here is how it will feel. It will be incredibly EXCITING, in fact at first it will be so exciting, you won’t even need to meet the person to do anything physical (I am presuming your on the Web with this statement.) It will feel so good that it won’t be long and you will HAVE to meet this person. When you do you will feel like a teen on your very first date, you will be filled with adrenaline, twitching in all the right places. Then you will suddenly have a moment of fear, guilt, you might even call it off… the first time. You WILL be back, because once you crossed that line you will go back because it feels SO GOOD to feel wanted! Once you are able to push that guilt aside, you will begin to have what can only be described as the BEST sex of your life! And it will be good, it will be very hot and sexy, and it will be fast! When it is done, you will instantly regret it, you might even feel physically I’ll. You will go home and you will be positive your spouse knows, he/she more then likely is clueless, (at this point, this will change later) you will see the love and warmth in there eyes, you will feel horrible, you will feel like an asshole. You will sware to yourself, that you will never do that again… but you will. Each time it will follow the same pattern, however it will get easier to push the guilt away before, during, and after. However the excitement will fade as well. Eventually, if you have covered your tracks properly so you don’t get caught, you will both quietly break it off. You will breath a sigh of relief, but it won’t be long and the excitement of a new lover will fire that all back up. It will be very exciting again, but the guilt you had felt will have faded, because you got away with it before… it didn’t hurt your spouse, it maybe even helped (truly it can) so you will quickly justify it, and the hunt will begin again.
I guess I am trying to tell all of you sexual ladies, there is nothing wrong with you, you have needs, they are honest, important needs. One will always get what one needs, better to have someone who has the same needs a you. So yes I am living proof, it is a deal breaker…. listen, I am single, I still have a very high sex drive, I own a home, a car, and RV etc. And I am still “gifted” as one lover put it…. come see me… we will both be happy!
RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!
Sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and you will NEVER be completely happy and satisfied if your boyfriend is a dud that hardly ever wants to have sex with you. I have had a low sex drive partner before and didn’t stick around for long which was the best decision I made! You need a man that can satisfy you intellectually, emotionally and physically. You can compromise with other factors but not those. I found a great guy that satisfied me in every way shortly after. People forget that there are literally BILLIONS of men out there and with positive thinking and determination, you will find your Mr Right guaranteed! Also, how old you are makes NO difference! It’s never too late and you should never settle! I can’t think of anything worse than a guy who only has sex with me once a week, my frustration would turn me into a monster if I was in that situation!
I am in a similar quandary. I am 39 and my fiancée is 46. He suffers from situational ejaculatory incompetence. He can only orgasm by way of his own hand. Basically our entire sex life is him masturbating on me and its just plain horrible. We have tried it all he can’t even get off with his hand over mine. He’s an average lover otherwise and can get erect but there is zero intimacy. He shuts his eyes and it’s like I’m not even there. There is very little info out there on this disorder but every doctor has told him it’s both anxiety and age related. He won’t seek counseling and does not care that I want him to. He thinks and many doctors think I should just settle for this because it’s an otherwise great relationship. I have a very high sex drive and am a lot more experienced and open to new things. I know that maybe in ten years I will be in menopause and not care but that’s ten years! There is no passion he is like my best friend but that’s it. I thought if we worked at it it would be fixed but it cannot. He’s struggled with this all his life and only ejaculated once or twice with other partners in his life. It is a deal breaker. I do not enjoy sec with him. I think it’s one thing if you are already married then you work on it. But knowingly going into a marriage where you won’t be sexually satisfied is a bad idea. I have also been like the writer and dated men with a lot lower sex drives than me and I’ve ended those relationships. I think sexual compatibility is critical to a relationship and it’s a sure set up for failed marriages and cheating. I prefer sex daily. Now I’m getting bad sex a few times a month at most!
I have been struggling with this issue for awhile and your answer just basically “solved” my issue. Thank you for your response and amazingly great advice.
Hahah,, the same women that are telling the others to leave their “good guy” because lack of sex are the same women that always say “Where are all the good guys at”. Notice most are single. Like someone else said,, As a woman with this attitude,, you’ll find plenty of sex,, but true love will be unattainable. Is true love all about sex? Maybe some of you already let that ‘One’ go
Your kidding right? I WISH my bf & I had sex 5-9 times a month! Instead I’m lucky if we have sex ONCE a month! He’s wonderful in every way but that. You should be thankful.
Perhaps my story will give you some insight in how a so called “sexless” relationship can affect you? I was in a relationship for six years, while in my early thirties still fit and relatively attractive. He never initiated sex even from the beginning and it was never really good when he finally put out but he was kind and caring in other ways so I had faith we could work on it. We moved in together and blissfully shared the bills and the chores. After only one year together we were down to about three pity f***s per year. By the third year it was down to twice a year and nothing at all the last year. I took care of the way I looked and made sure to flatter him, I tried communication, tried keeping my distance, saying nothing, being nasty and being nice, all while that dark cloud of resentment grew larger inside the pit of my stomach and until I didn’t even want him anymore. The feeling of rejection absolutely broke my heart and shattered my confidence. He might have been a good man but certainly not good for me. My only regret was not taking my needs and wants seriously enough to end it sooner. I will never get back those years.
I wonder how many women who are commenting on here are porn widows ? In the last ten to fifteen years there has been a massive increase in women not having enough sex and the partners not seeming interested and an increasing number of men under the age of 30 suffering from ED. They prefer porn and masturbation and can’t perform with a real woman. Many must watch porn to orgasm. Doctors are surmising this is directly related to the availability of internet porn. No woman can compete with the variety that internet porn provides and so the men come to prefer that. Plus it is no work. I never heard of such a thing until I dated a guy that had this issue and it was bad. I am not saying that porn is bad in every relationship but if your partner is not satisfied and is wanting sex and you are instead masturbating to porn that’s not okay. I just wonder how many of these men with “low drives” turning down their partners for sex are taking care of themselves to porn and have nothing left to give. I know it sounds crazy but check out no fap the site thousands of guys with this issue.
Firstly, this page is so great. Finallyyy!!! People with genuine real life responses that I can relate to.
I’m female, 27. Ive been with my boyfriend for a around 18 months and we probably make love 2-3 times a month.
I find it astounding that I have this problem with my partner as we dated briefly years ago when we were much younger and he was a very sexual person, and still is, (but only 2-3 times a month). This is why I’m extremely confused and frustrated; the quality of our sex is phenomenal, I orgasm more with him than I did with any previous partners, but it’s not always about the big O for me. I want to feel desired more often than twice a month. I have expressed to him that I would be more than happy to have a ‘quickie’ occasionally and I don’t ALWAYS have to climax. I say this in the hope that he’ll be more willing and open to show me just how in ‘lust’ with me he is and will take me at every opportunity. He says all the right things, but I often feel like his mate, someone he lives with that’s quite handy to have around. I’ve expressed my desire to have more sex and he always responds saying that he would too but nothing ever changes. I do try.
What makes my situation worse is that he doesn’t like kissing very much, and would rather not. I LOVE kissing and probably yearn for that more than frequent sex. I’m concerned that the lack of intamacy will cause us to grow apart.
My wife has a much higher sex drive than me. We also have great sex when we do it (2-4x a month). We fought about it for years and took a unique approach. She takes other lovers. She likes very hung dominant men (I’m average and dominant) who will leave her very satisfied. She is completely open with what she does and if I’m uncomfortable she won’t do it. We’ve been married 12 years and doing this for the last 10 and things have never been better!.
Not for everyone, I know. But it works for us.
I have been living w/o sex for 2 years now. I have has sex on July 6, 2016 and Nov 5th, 2016, and have been fighting for it ever since Oct 2015. I have asked, begged, offered and tried to talk to him. All I got was lame excuses, ones I could blow holes thru, then we moved away from those excuses, and I got new excuses. In around Oct 2016 I got “I don’t know why I don’t want to f&*k you”. I have asked every question, told him how I feel, cried, begged and screamed at him. All I get now is “I don’t know, and yea ok hun” which is frustrating, he says he’s not gay, he like women, and finds me sexually attractive. He has not touch my girl parts at any other time, and I feel like I am in the roommate zone. Its like he could care less about my feelings, our relationship and anything else going on, and treats our relationship like a joke. I can say that he is a nice guy, but it feels like I am being punished for wanting him, and the more I ask, the less he wants to have sex. Of course, Nov 5th 2017 will make a full year of being Involuntarily Celibate, and I am about to be 39 yrs old, and I don’t want to be celibate in a relationship with a heterosexual for no reason whatsoever. I have asked him to see a dr, I have asked him to see a therapist, and I have told him that I don’t see a future w/us if he didn’t want sex at all w/ME. He refuses to go, to get any help, and I really think its just me, and he’s gladly have sex with anyone else than me. The original comment: I wish I could get it as often as her, hell I wish I could get it once a month!
It sounds like your man may be suffering from a decline in testosterone. Most men notice a decline in libido around age 40 and an even more significant decline around age 50. The decline is due to a drop in total testosterone coupled with a rise in sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG binds to testosterone making it non-bioavailable, resulting in a drop in free testosterone. A guy will notice a drop in his free testosterone. He will experience weight gain coupled with a loss of energy as well as an increase in moodiness. It is basically the male version of perimenopause and menopause. It is called andropause. Men can also experience hot flashes while going through andropause.
http://www.webmd.com/men/guide/male-menopause
My boyfriend and I are in our twenties (27) and I know exactly how you feel. My sex drive is very high and it’s hard to not feel like you aren’t attractive enough or shallow for wanting sex. I don’t want to leave him, but it’s growing increasingly harder to essentially just get rejected all the time.
I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together a year and a half. We’ve moved in together. We have 3 pets (2 were gifts, so not by choice). He spoils me like crazy, buys me anything I’ve ever said I wanted, fills my gas tank, kisses me good morning, kisses me good night. But when it comes to sex, it’s gone. When we first started dating we had sex every weekend when we saw each other. When we moved in together I realized he’s only been sleeping with me when we’ve been drinking. If he’s sober he has zero sex drive, zero desire, literally tells me to go away if I even try kissing him. I got mad at him one night because I’ve quit drinking and explained it’s not right for me to sleep with him when I’m sober and he’s drunk. He decided to quit drinking. Well the sex completely disappeared and it’s been seven months with nothing. He accidentally got drunk at a friend’s party about two weeks ago. He decided he wanted sex then and I was so pissed. I’m not going to get my boyfriend drunk to sleep with him. We work out, we’re in the best shapes of our lives. We’re in the career fields that make us happy. I feel neglected, I feel unattractive, I’ve even hopped onto Tinder just to take a look. His mother keeps saying she’s so excited for us to have her grandkids one day, I’m so close to saying that we’ve got to have sex for that to happen. He’s started joking with his friends that we don’t have sex and there’s an unopened box of condoms (that I bought) sitting on his night stand to prove it. I don’t think it will get any better and I’m almost ready to leave but it feels so shallow. I get upset because we aren’t having sex and his solution is to buy me something. That’s not what I want and I feel like my sex drive and confidence has taken a nose dive with it.
I’m at the same boat. Frustrated and doubted and not happy in the physical part… I choose not to live in a dead relationship without love i.e. passionate physical intimacy. ..happiness is more important than the superficial comfort. Deep down we know that. But, i do feel he deserves to know the issue prior to the break off. Cheating is not the way to go. It makes you are the *bad’ one ; in reality may be him or both parts ..I’m seriously preparing how to deliver the message, i.e.not making him feel bad or wrongful but convey the importance of the issue and I’m not wrong either. Probably keep as friends and start dating others …it may end up be a win-win situation in the long term for both sides.
My sex drive is way higher than my boyfriend’s and I feel so lonely. I feel depressed, sad and hopeless. The topic has come up on many occasions but nothing has really changed between us besides the fact I feel more lonely and rejected. I’ve tried putting my energy elsewhere, by exercising, making music, masturbation, painting, and cleaning. Let me tell you, our house is spotless because of how much I clean it.
He makes me happy in every other way. He’s everything that I wanted and still want in a partner. I still love him, very much. But it’s hard to cope with this feeling of rejection and loneliness.
I tried talking to him about low testosterone and how it could cause a low sex drive and possibly lead to infertility. And he said… The only reason he would look into it is because of the possibility he might be infertile. I (having a high sex drive) pretty much died inside knowing he didn’t care much about his libido and all the while him knowing how high mine was.
I love him so so much. I’ve tried putting my energy elsewhere to help me with my sex drive, but it hasn’t worked well for me. I tried talking to him about it, and it doesn’t seem like he cares.
He cares for my happiness. I know he does. But I don’t think he understands how important sex is to me even though I’ve repeatedly brought it up.
I found all of these comments from the blog and it’s helped me understand things a lot more. I was literally laying on my side, crying and all the while he’s snoring right next to me, not even hearing my cries. I cried because I didn’t what to do after he rejected me again, so I looked it up and found this. I’m still crying because I’m just not sure what to do.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Does your boyfriend use porn and masturbate? This was a huge issue in my relationship, and what was happened was two fold. First he was expending all his sexual energy onto the porn and masturbation, so it was not that he had a low drive, he just had a low drive for me. Second, he had developed porn induced dysfunction, so he could no orgasm from anything but porn and his hand, and as a result he began to avoid sex with me becuase he knew he would fail. More often than not porn and masturbation have something to do with this in younger men. My partner also had his testosterone checked, he went to doctor after doctor, and knew very well the whole time the answer was to stop the porn and masturbation, but he would have done anything not to have to do that, including taking pills and injecting his penis with things. The issue I see in your case is that your partner is perfectly fine with the current situation. The only reason he is going to be tested is to see if he is infertile. If he’s happy with his low drive, and you are not, you either need to come to some sort of agreement where you all have less sex than you want, and more sex that he does, meet in the middle, or you need to leave. Sometimes men are embarassed by going to a doctor to address this issue, so that could be part of the problem, but I doubt it. What I read is he is happy with the way things are. And while some people do just have a lower sex drive, when they are expending that drive elsewhere, meaning in solo time, I just could not put up with that. This is not your fault, it has nothing to do with you. If I were you I would go out and find a man that is more suited for you, and also willing to listen and change if something he is doing is hurting you and the relationship. He is not. You are not alone. There are lots of women out there in this same exact situation.
Maybe I’m just really emotional 😠but I always take it personal. I don’t even try to do anything with my bf anymore because I don’t want to be embarrassed when he tells me no. He his a great guy and I didn’t have this problem until a few months ago. It’s like I crave hugs kisses anything to keep us attached because I feel we r just drifting apart. My braking point is coming soon😪
My issue with this question reply, as it is with many relationship issues, is that it NEVER suggests the idea of professional counseling, or in this case, even professional SEX counseling. We have zero idea what is going on with this man. He could’ve been sexually molested throughout his childhood, which, generally speaking, has the opposite effect on men as it goes women. While girls become promiscuous, men become ashamed on their sexuality and often are uncomfortable sexual situations. Maybe this man had a previous g/f that wanted to have sex with him every night (a situation that, as a psychologist, I would find problematic), and hat he was expected to perform like male porn star otherwise he wasn’t “man enough” or “wasn’t attracted to her.” God can you imagine the performance anxiety with this man’s next woman. This couple needs counseling.She needs to understand that this issue might be so personal that he might not feel comfortable discussing with it her alone. That he made need private counseling, followed by couples counseling. Or maybe just a direct dive into couples counseling. That might be the thing that opens him up. Also, there was no mention in this article that some men just NATURALLY have lower testosterone than other men, and it doesn’t mean they are any less of a man than any other men. Also, men can have health issues that mess with their sex drive, and they can also be talking meds like antidepressants that can mess with his sex drive. My concern w/ this relationship is NOT the differences in sex drive. It’s the communication. Money, sex, none of it is as important as communication despite whatever pop psych books say. I have 24 years of experience in the field. I hope this woman has not made the man feel as though he less of man just because he doesn’t want to do it with her every 10 seconds. That will kill most men’s sex drive because in our society, there is TOO MUCH of a link between masculinity and sex. There are many ways to be masculine and not be sexual. This relationship is suffering from communication, not different sex drives. And yes, different communication styles is not enough to break up with a man or woman.
In my case, my ex with the low drive/ED issues had zero interest in counseling. He went once, and came back to me and reported that he was fine, that I was too demanding, and that my sex drive was too high. Sure there may be some underlying issue causing the low sex drive, like abuse but 90% of the time, the man is now willing to deal with it, or even if he is it does not fix the problem. With a low drive/high drive relationship, one person is almost always going to have to compromise and it is usually the high drive person. As someone who has been there, it’s just not a fun relationship at all. I guess everybody can pick and choose their priorities, but in the end, most often people in these types of relationships end up unhappy.
@Lisa
What you ex needed was not a counselor, but a urologist to test him for low testosterone and other possible underlying etiologies. Low sex drive is usually a sign of low testosterone.
He had all of that and then some. There was no physical explanation for the low sex drive. Sometimes people just have a low drive. I think most people would have considered my exes very low, and most people would consider the original posters boyfriend’s normal. That being said it’s all relative. If someone is not happy sexually in a relationship they need to revaluate the relationship.
@Lisa
A total testosterone test is not enough. A lot of doctors do not test for free testosterone, prolactin, and estradiol (E2), which is why a man who is having arousal problems needs to see a urologist who specializes in male sexual health. Thyroid function needs to be checked as well. Unless a man is just not that into you, his sex drive is pretty much determined by his free testosterone to free E2 ratio. High prolactin and E2 can result in erectile difficulties. A lot of men have high sex hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG binds to testosterone making it non-bioavailable. SHBG usually goes up in men as they age while total testosterone drops, resulting in less free testosterone. A man can have the exact opposite problem in that he can have low SHBG. Low SHBG can result in high free E2 and a corresponding free testosterone to free E2 ratio problem. The male body uses free testosterone quickly, but does not eliminate free E2 as quickly. That is why this kind problem is best left to a medical practitioner who specializes in male sexual health as well as why a woman whose man is experiencing sexual performance-related problems needs to be firm about him getting help (men usually hate to see doctors). A lot of men who have problems refuse to acknowledge them until it is too late to save a relationship.
Again I appreciate your advice but he had all of those tests done, he was seen by a male urologist that specializes in this. We tried everything. He was about 7 years older than I was as well. Often times it is a psychological issue, or again there are just some men that have very low sex drives. It sounds like you are saying that’s just not possible that there must be physically something wrong, or the woman’s fault as he’s not into her, but that’s just not true. Some men have low drives, just like some women have low drives.
@Lisa
That is exactly what I am saying. A man with a low sex drive is either suffering from some form of hormone imbalance or he is just not that into the woman with whom he shares his life. The amount of testosterone needed per man is not fixed, which is the reason why the clinical definition for low testosterone is almost as useless as BMI. Some men need more, some men can get away with less. Some men need an aromatase inhibitor for estradiol (E2) control, some men can get away without one. Dr. John Crisler is at the forefront of testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). He specializes in optimizing a man’s hormone profile. My sex drive used to be fairly low until I had a hormone workup. That is how I was able to survive ten years of zero intimate contact in a loveless/sexless marriage. There is no way that I could do that today now that I am on TRT. I am just too driven.
RandyDR,
Since you’re a psychologist with 24 years of experience, could you test something for me?
Could you show the original letter (from Sexually Deprived Female), the original response (from Evan), and your response to one of your psychologist colleagues who have similar amounts of experience to you? I’m curious as to what their response would be.
I realize that I’m a lay observer with no experience in the field, but when I take an analytical look at your response, it seems like you’re projecting someone else’s issues onto SDF and her boyfriend.
For example, she describes the boyfriend’s sex drive as slightly below average. Evan described it as similar to his (and his wife’s) libido. You suggested that the man may have been sexually molested as a child, and he ought to have professional sex counseling.
Maybe it’s just me, but your suggestion seems a bit extreme for a guy whose sex drive is just a little below average.
In addition, the letter writer admitted that she had a high sex drive and pointed out that hers was farther from average than her boyfriend’s. Based on that, you’ve assumed that she was emasculating her boyfriend, and your assumptions about how frequently she wants sex … I’d say that those assumptions started in the realm of speculation and made a wild dash into the realm of hyperbole. (Every 10 seconds, yada, yada.)
But as I said, I have no training in this field. I’m curious as to how a different trained psychologist would view your response.
See I’m having a somewhat similar problem. My bf and I have been together almost 7 months. Between both of us we have 4 kids. He got into some legal trouble and is possibly looking at jail time. Hes been depressed and was taking prozac for it. But the prozac made him not able to get it up. He said now it feels like he has no sex drive at all. I’m only 27 and hes almost 31. I’m so frustrated. We haven’t had sex in almost 3 weeks. And he didn’t get off because he couldn’t. And before that it had been a month.
ED is very common with anti depressant medications. I know there are some that do not cause it, but they may not work for his depression so it’s a catch 22. How long has he been on Prozac for? Have you ever had a strong sex life? In addition to the Prozac I could totally understand how a guy would not want to have sex when he was facing possible jail time. It’s a common misunderstanding that men always want sex no matter what, their sex drives are more often that not very effected by what is going on around them or in their lifes. DE or delayed ejaculation (inability to get off) is a hallmark of anti depressant use. So I guess the question to you is are the anti depressants a life long thing or just something he needs to take now due to his situation? If it’s a life long thing then I think you either need to accept this is likely to be your sex life or ask him to try other drugs like Wellbutrin which usually does not cause DE. Unfortunately ED drugs do nothing for DE they actually tend to make it worse. Or is this just a temporary rut due to his situation? Have you ever had sex with him while he was not taking anti depressants? Was it fine then? This is a lot for you to take on. I cannot imagine being with someone for only six months that is now facing jail time. I think sexual frustration is the least of your worries at this point, and likely his as well. No one would judge you if you wanted to walk away. It’s very soon into the relationship and that’s a lot to deal with.
Also ladies i dont qant to alarm anyone but it could be also a sign hes satisfying his needs without you ..:(