Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? —Sexually Deprived Female
While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…
And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.
Is sex something worth breaking up over?
You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.
Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover — otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.
The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.
It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.
See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.
His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.
It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.
People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.
Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.
Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”
And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos — closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth — so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do — assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.
This is what adults do — assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.
If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme — a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc — you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.
One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.
So once that’s off your head — and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.
You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.
Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.
Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s important to you. So all that matters is whether she can live, happily, with this level of sex. It’s a simple yes or no question for me.
I love your reponses!
The age of the couple involved was not mentioned. Maybe there is a medical issue to be resolved? Vigorous weight training can increase testosterone and libido. So can improved nutrition. So can injecting some variety( change of look, venue, etc ). IMO if the partner is not willing to try these things then there is a a problem.
Like EMK said, guys with high libidos are common, so maybe you can find a guy with a high libido who has at least several of the other qualities you like in your BF.
If men with high libidos are easy to find, why do I keep getting stuck with duds? married over 20 years to one, 10 years with the second one, I know people who have more sex in 1 year than I’ve had in the last 20 years.
most recent relationship haven’t had sex in 1.5 years now, I may be older, but I’m not dead yet. that is why I left my marriage, and why I am thinking about walking away again, sex is important to me, and I have learned that this issue never gets any better, it is a deal breaker for me.
I am so relieved to hear women complain about getting no play. I thought it was women with low libidos. I’m less confused after reading some of the comments. I feel like rotting fruit. My wife gives me no attention. She loves me but I don’t feel appreciated in the ways I need to. I always keep my self clean and am in great shape. I could understand why some women don’t feel attracted to their husbands. Most are out of shape and have given up with beer bellies. I’ve given my wife some of my best years and can garuntee that I won’t get sex this year. I have sex once a year or two for the last eight years. I’m so sad;(
See that really sucks its also hard not to take personal
Wow, dude that’s really depressing…I’m sorr!!! Im in a similar situation, my bf and i only have sex once a week!!!! I want it everyday or atleast 3-4 times a week but no. He sais its cause he’s tired from going to gym nd working nights, but i do the same work nd workout in the mornings plus im a mom. I still want it a lot more than once a week….im also so saddd!!! :'(
Ross I feel the same. I feel like I work out I look good dress well smell nice cook clean take care of his laundry our kids the least I could get is some nookie. I feel like madge sex is a deal breaker for me that I have had several affairs to get sex but I’m too much of a coward to leave. I would love sex everyday anywhere anytime. Especially if my man loves me and appreciated me. I get neither. I thought all the above makes for an awesome wife. I guess I’m wrong.
Divorce your wife,if you are in great shape and if you get sex once a year that is not worth the staying in that marriage.
I have the same issue. My husband is very overweight and over 50. It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, etc. I don’t agree with it, but can almost understand why people look elsewhere. Very sad.
that’s horrible I don’t think that any marriage should be that way I wouldn’t stay in it !!! I would find someone who appreciates me and the effort I put in and someone who wants to be intimate with me on a regular basis you deserve better than that ! You deserve love like anyone else !
Oh gosh. That’s so sad. Its okay women with higher libidos are stuck with idiots that say no to sex. *rolls eyes*
I wish I had a husband like you
I wish we could talk. Been with the same man for almost 12 years, I work out and take care of my body. We have 3 kids (2 c sections) but I’m still attractive I think. But just rejection after rejection. 🙁
I spent the last 9 years with a good guy works hard that’s care of me .but sex is 4 times a month and half of the time sucks because he lazy we fright over this.am was very unsatisfied and started hateing sex my self.then I started wanting to cheat, then I said fuck it am leaving him we don’t connect, we are not sister and brothers you my men.I have needs its not being for filled ,am not happy.am single now and meet a guy we have sex a lot he good to me but not as good as the guy I was with as far as spoiling me but am happier
sorry for annoying you..i had the same problem with my husband …i spent 2 year with him..sex also is 4 times a month..but in the beginning of marriage we did more…but i still with him till now, i want continue with you but ..you may not interested …
regards
Maybe you need to be really honest with the soon to be husband about the importance of sex in your life. You can also try to fix things with your current husband, Viagra could be a solution.
EXACTLY! Where on earth does she get this idea from that men with high libidos are so easy to find!? It’s way way WAY easier to find marriage material than to find a man who wants you every night! If the writer has an endless pool of highly sexed men she better start sharing details, because in my experience, they simply don’t exist!
I hate to say this but really. Men are way stressed out. They are the ones most likely to have heart attacks. Why not give them oral it helps get them in the mood. When was the last time miss grouchy pants made the effort to make his fav. meal? It’s an emotional thing. Spend too much $? Money is a massive stressor to men.you can’t expect them to preform if you are not doing their share. Sex is not about sex is the spotlight on other things wrong in the relationship.Maybe having a kid waking up every night is an issue. You have to look at the bigger issue and leaving only makes a bigger mess. It’s the little things that turn men on. Being demanding like a boss is another duty he has to perform. You perform first. Buy the reasonable priced nightie wear the perfume you wore on your first date. Look hot when he comes in the door. Put make up on just for him. Love is supposed to be unconditional not based if your screaming and having sweaty hot sex every night. If you are selfish in other parts of the relationship men don’t want to sleep with stingy girls. They want a girl to go all out for them. If you can’t do that you don’t deserve sex. Treat your man like a King he will do anything for you. If he is not then you might be doing something wrong.
Gotta say that Elisabeth made a good point. It is worth asking ourselves, as women, if we are doing anything to make our men happy. I’m not getting a lot of sex, like once a month. And at 24 years old, 5’1″, 100lbs, and in my best shape ever thanks to training, I feel very neglected. Unhappy. My boyfriend has plenty of qualities and i would marry him tomorrow if it wasn’t for lack of sex.
BUT. I know that I need to be a little more positive. Non judgemental with him. Be patient. Put on makeup every now and then. Wear nice clothes. Take care of my own happiness. Reassure myself without being needy with him. Being in a relationship take work and both parties have responsabilities.
We are currently seeing a therapist so that we get better at not rejecting one another. I am hopeful that it will help us. That we will get better. We have to. Otherwise I won’t stay with him. Once a month is not enough.
At first I thought my situation was very similar to the writer but then when she said up to 9 times a month I thought to myself damn ID be happy with at least that 🙁 my fiance has NO sex drive…AT ALL….and mine is VERY high….I find myself always moody and “thinking” rather than the happy and carefree person I normally am 🙁 i also feel unwanted, rejected, unnatractive and a bunch of other emotions a girl (or man) does not wamt to feel. I love my fiance very very much but when I try to think of spending the REST of my life in a sexless or barely active sex life I’m not sure I can do it 🙁 it kills me because, like the writer, I do love everything else about him 🙁 and to top it off, when we rarely do have sex (once for about 3 minutes in the past 6 months) he’s not into it like me. He doesn’t give oral and doesn’t really care to receive it either and he always wants me on top…..I enjoy both giving and receiving oral and while I don’t mind being on top sometimes I also love the feeling of looking up at him during sex and…well…it just turns me on. So even if his sex drive were to return, while I’d be content I wouldn’t be thrilled…however, ID accept that because of all of his other qualities. I guess I’m a slightly kinky person ( to a point) and he is VERY conservative. However, as I say it’s come to NO sex life at all. When we talk about it he seems a bit upset and says he doesn’t know what’s going on, he’s never had this issue, and sex (while not thrilling) was at least “happening” when we first started dating. He doesn’t even watch porn any more, which he used to enjoy. I do not believe he is cheating on me at all but he doesn’t seem concerned to work on the issue and I am. I don’t know what to do 🙁 I feel constantly torn and constantly wondering if this is what it’s going to be like forever….will things get better…ever….and can i (or do i want to) accept the way things are. It sounds selfish and I’m ashamed to say it but thinking I’ll never ever experience oral sex again for the rest of my life….that depresses me 🙁 is that weird? he also makes me feel “dirty’ because he says I put too much emphasis on sex like it’s the most important thing….I do feel it’s important, not the MOST IMPORTANT, but I feel a healthy sex life is important…
Confused said: “my fiance has NO sex drive…AT ALL”
There could very well be a physical or emotional reason behind this. I would suggest that the both of you seek counseling with a proper sex counselor. Vastly unequal sex drives can break up a relationship.
Confused said: “i also feel unwanted, rejected, unnatractive and a bunch of other emotions a girl (or man) does not wamt to feel.”
I was married for nine years. We dated for two years before. Immediately after marriage, my wife cut sex to almost zero. In nine years we had sex somewhere between 8 and 10 times. Barely once a year. So I totally understand your feelings. for me, it eventually became too much to bear, and the lack of sex was part of the determining factor as to why I divorced her.
Confused said: “I don’t know what to do I feel constantly torn and constantly wondering if this is what it’s going to be like forever….will things get better…ever….and can i (or do i want to) accept the way things are.”
I would strongly recommend seeking help from a professional on the subject.
Confused said: “It sounds selfish”
I don’t think so at all. People have needs. There are certain needs that are required from a partner or spouse. If they cannot meet those needs, often it causes a failure of the relationship. Best to be honest with them, and seek counseling if you wish to stay together.
I wish fate had sent us together Heidi. I am the type of “man you are looking for”.
I am frustrated with the universe for being dealt the massive sex drive card and the single sex partner who has no interest.
I have wasted my young adventurous exploration years with a single woman who continued to “work” on the issue with no result.
twice a month!???? Twice a day.
*frustrated dad*
All of you people complaining that you only get some once a month need to realize that there are plenty of us out here who haven’t been with someone in years, even a decade, or more.
So quit whining.
They say that every cell in the human body is replaced every seven years — so 3 years ago I became a virgin again…
How can you be so butthurt? I think you need to get laid.
Do you, Madge. Go find yourself a man who can match you, or better, wear you out!!!
Madge i was in the same situation. Seems to be a pattern in all my relationships. I questioned my sanity at times. The last one was for 20 plus years. I felt like i was in a desert for 40 years. It takes its toll on you for sure. But it was that& others things that made me leave. I have been with a wonderful man the past few years. Everything I always wanted & more. But lately things have been going on that are stressing him out. I’ve realized that i was being a bit immature in getting so upset. I hurt his feelings. I guess my thinking of the past & “not getting it” makes me insecure when i should be more understanding. I think quality is as important as anything. Its such a personal thing. I say weigh the pros and cons. But at the ssme time, couples with vastly different libidos are not going to be happy, unless they are very understanding of each other.
You’re probably well over 50 now and you’e still worried about sex?
Sister, I need your number or at least some way to connect with you. No idea why sex is considered something you have to “weigh” against a man’s other ATTRIBUTES. My god…
I honestly believe that the idea that men have a high libido is a concept that came about merely a result of the difficulty of women to openly talk about or express their sexual energy without being looked down upon in the past. Men have been able to talk about their sex lives without fear of being called a whore for a long time, so they get all the credit for apparently having a stronger sex drive, while women can still be looked down upon for embracing their sexuality. It is one sided to assume one gender has a higher libido than the other and quite frankly there is no way to completely prove such theories anyways.
Excellent point!
6-9 times a month?! That is normal/average for most long term couples, and pretty darn good for parents of young children. If she said they rarely had sex i would agree they may not be compatible. I’d suggest she look a little deeper into herself, there may be more going on for her it sounds to me like frequency is not the real issue.
Right? This lady is a freaking barracuda. My issue, which is why I found this article, is that we hardly have any intimacy at all, and we’re both male. I feel like a crotchety old man, “MY old lady blah blah blah.” lol
Lily you are being unfair. Just because you don’t have a high sex drive, doesn’t mean this poor woman isn’t feeling rejected when her boyfriend isn’t interested in sex when she is. Once a week may be fine for you but don’t assume every other woman is the same
I actually am in the same boat. I want sex more often than my husband but I actually agree that I’m being selfish. It took me years of whining to get that.
If he doesn’t have the urge for sex with me, I should still be grateful he does have sex once a month. I work (he doesn’t which may contribute to him not feeling up to sex), I work out at the gym (which may make him feel less attractive – he does have a pot belly but I still find him hot because of our years together) and mostly he’s an adorable kind man who is a wonderful father to our daughters which is the hottest thing to most women, he also does the dishes occasionally too. Consider what he’s going through before taking it personally. It must be hard on him (pardon the pun lol) to get it up for me since I had a rocking teenagers body. It’s not a personal issue. It’s just their libido.
We had a mismatched libido when we were teenagers (when we got together I always wanted to makeout and he didn’t). I use my hands every night before bed and it fixes the problem. I also seek out intimacy often by hugging him and playing up to him.
Maybe you are after connection not sex. It took me years to figure that one out.
Shit 6-9 a month, wow that is pretty good…if I get some 3-4 timeS in a month I’m lucky, not mentioning I usually have to ask for it, even tho I like oral and try to do all the good potions and making sure he feels good, and then I hear that he’s tired, not in the mood. When I see him he’s not horny, but when we dong see eachother he’s horny and he jerks off. I don’t get it. He’s healthy, works out, same with me. I just don’t get it anymore. I’m going to stop asking, I guess I just have to get use to it.
Omg I just noticed all the spell mistakes I made and my auto correct was on. I’m sorry for my spelling.
I think someone who is such great husband material would recognize the importance of this issue and try to find ways to try to satisfy her without sacrificing himself. A simple ‘i don’t feel like it so it’s not happening’ isn’t a good problem-solving model for a couple, no matter what the problem is.
that is so true Jennifer, it is a very selfish decision on his part.
As Steve said, medical or psychological tests might be in order, but if her boyfriend isn’t interested in working on this, it will only get worse. First, rule out the obvious causes: low testosterone level, medications the boyfriend is taking, alcohol abuse. Couples therapy may be in order. I’m also wondering how old they are, and if the boyfriend has always been this way. After 3 years together, sex is only going to get less and less frequent over time. And yes, I’ve known couples who have broken up over this issue – in two of the cases, one of the partners turned out to be gay. It’s not just the physical act of sex that is missing, it’s the physical closeness, bonding, and intimacy.
If my boyfriend wanted to break up with me because my libido wasn’t as high as his, I’d be heartbroken. I would hope he would find some way to talk to me about it that would let me know how important it is to him, instead of just breaking it off with me. It sounds like she has had multiple discussions with him about this, but maybe he doesn’t know just how serious it is for her. Maybe if he knew she was considering ending the relationship, he would be more willing to compromise and find a way for their sex life to be mutually satisfying. It would be a shame to end a good thing over something like this, that’s a lot of time and emotion invested, I would try my best to make it work.
Buy a vibrator. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.
that does not work! You can masterbate all day, but it leaves you wanting more from your partner in the end. The vibe is not the same as sex.
Vibrators are rubbish when it is actual sex with a warm, loving human being that is lacking. Yeah you get an orgasm but it leaves you feeling cold and empty and sad because it is not about the orgasm it is about the intimacy.
It may not be every thing, but is truly important to those of us living.
To me its pretty important. Especially since he isn’t even trying to help her by working on it.
‘Course you could always turn the situation around and stop having sex with him altogether. Just take care of yourself as often as you need to. Bet you’d have an interesting conversation after that. Find some middle ground in between your two positions.
Here is the honest answer…….It may not sound all nice and pretty but this is it:
She did not mention their ages and that is a huge factor so I will give 2 answers based on age. If she is a female that is already in her mid 30’s and they are planning on getting engaged and she wants kids, she should stick with him. He has wonderful qualities that would make for a great husband and she does not have the time to risk the break up and finding another person IF kids are important! Fertility drops for a woman at 35!
However, if she is in her 20’s (or even 30 aprox) and has the time, she should LEAVE!!!! Seriously, sex IS important. It is obv very important to her or she would not have written the letter. Leave and find someone that rocks your world in the bedroom and makes you feel hot and desired!!!! And he can also be a nice guy 🙂 Compromise is necessary (as Evan says) but don’t compromise on the sex. It does not sound like you want to and I don’t think you should.
Unfortunately women do have to think about their age which is why I gave 2 different answers.
Good luck!!!
I totally agree with you on this.
Nobody should have to compromise on sex to this extent. Sex is an expression of love towards the person that you are with, it should never be given as a reluctant affair. It is in no way superficial to feel desire for another person and no one should be made to feel guilty for feeling this way.
While i think breaking up here would be pretty selfish and self defeating… i do think that the guy could obviously try to mitigate this by using alternative methods. He doesn’t need to always ‘rise to the occasion’. he could go down on her, or use an assortment of toys to help her along.
that being said, i’ve had my share of arguments with feminists declaring in uncertain terms that a woman’s vagina is not the property of the boyfriend and not there just to sexually service a penis at his every whim. i wonder what they would say in this situation. is he only a penis to service her or a full person (and apparently exceptional one from her descrip of him)
easy answer is to just let hubby know when you’re horny and tell him you’ll bake him a nice cake or his favorite dish if he helps you reach the big O. just joking about the cake part… if he cares about you, he’ll want you to be pleasured.
I am willing to wager tht you have not discussed this with your BF. Perhaps you are practicing here to see what the market considers reasonable.
I recommend that you spice things up! There is so much stress these days that it is affecting everyone and the bedroom is really catching it too!
Making the effort to heat up the sex is a lot easier than replacing a good man!
It actually says that they fight about it all the time so he knows it upsets hEr? I am in this situation right now. My fiancé is 48 and I’m 40. He would be happy with sex once a month . In fact if I never initiate sex we would probably never have it. He’s had everything checked medically he’s fine. He does not have ED. When we do have sex he’s extremely selfish in bed it’s basically me servicing him! It was not always like this. We are only together a year and a half! I’m in good shape I make efforts to look nice. I tried to speak to him many times in a calm manner but nothing helps. I’m not sure that you can ever discuss low libido with a man without offending them. I feel unattractive but that’s not the biggest issue it’s lack of intimacy. I don’t feel connected at all. I don’t understand why men are like this? Is it my fault? I am very adventurous I never turn him down I’m up for whatever?
I agree with Abby but will add one more age if you are over 45 and both of you have grown kids. I have a very high sex drive, always have and I was married for 9 years to someone that had a very low sex drive. Granted I am older and wiser and realize that you can not get everything out of a relationship, but with kids out the way now I am glad that my current SO has a drive closer to mine. When my kids were young I was OK with less sex, too tired to matter, but now it is a very different situation.
I am experiencing this issue at the moment with my bf. We are both on mid 30’s no children at all. We are living together for more than a year. I tried all my best to help him but hes not into it. I told him that I am sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. He told me that hes tired and working long hours and he is not horny as me. He always says just help yourself if you want. He is also a loving bf but his libido is very low and not even willing to do something about it. Sometimes, I was thinking to find another man but im afraid he might be as loving as my current one but at the en dof the day I feel very unhappy when it comes to bed. Dont also know what to do if I will take the risk of looking for another man.
I feel the same way. My bf is 37 and I’m 24. I have no idea how or when to ask him for sex anymore he rejects me 99% of the time and we end up arguing about it a lot. I too fear if I leave him, I will not find anyone else who will love me for me. Sextually I’m SO FRUSTRATED and very unhappy when I bed. He tells me he dosent like it when he sees the toys out. When he comes home from work he feels.. Like i dont know insecure? Or like im cheating on him with it. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I laughed bitterly when I read this post. 6-9x a month sounds like heaven! My bf and I are 42 and for us it’s once every 3-4 months. I’ve started discretely talking to friends about it and they ALL have the same complaint. The men just have no/very low sex drives. Several of these friends are now actively cheating or considering it now. Before anyone gets all down on the morally of it. A few of these women haven’t had sex in 10+ years. Staying for kids, financial stability, friendship…whatever. If your partner is unwillingly to help find a compromise I am not going to judge anyone who steps out for sex.
This could be my life. Loving and caring but low sex drive. Used to have sex 3 times a month in the first year. Now we haven’t had sex in almost two years. I want kids and I’m over 35 so it’s too late to run but if you can RUN! Sex is important, not just because of the orgasms but because of the intimacy. My husband is a stranger I live with and all those qualities that made me stay are useless now because I don’t feel like I have a partner.
2 YEARS I WOULD RUN! I bet he’s watching porn or cheating it’s basically the same thing.
Just curious what ended up happening in your relationship as I am in the exact same situation now.
This is a subject very close to my heart – I ended up leaving BOTH my husbands over this issue. I’m not looking for sex every night, but I am looking for someone who will meet me half way, and it doesn’t sound as though this girl’s “wonderful” boyfriend is doing that. She says they have fought about it many times, since early in the relationship which means a) the subject has been broached and B) sadly, nothing has changed. Unfortunately, this is very common in a situation where the man has a lower sex drive than the woman – she becomes unhappy, she raises the issue, he does not respond to her unhappiness with any kind of compromise. There are many women who have sex more often than they would naturally choose to in order to keep their partner happy and their relationship healthy, but men just don’t do that. I participated in an online forum for couples with clashing libidos for a couple of years and this point emerged very clearly. So the OP has to take on board that THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.
Ultimately, for me, the problem became not so much the lack of sex but the fact that my partner was not prepared to take my unhappiness into account, irrespective of the particular issue involved(in this case, sex). Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable. It is extremely hard to leave a man you love (and desire sexually) because of this issue, but the longer you leave it the more you are investing in a relationship that is ultimately going to crumble anyway – no relationship can survive in a healthy form with such a major defect at its core.
This is by far the best answer I’ve read.
I agree katie
Helene thank you for this .. looking for answers . I’ve been in a relationship for just over 2 years and sometimes we don’t have sex for a month -6 weeks my confidence has hit rock bottom . He is everything I love apart from this !and feel selfish to even be thinking of leaving him .. but I’ve lost that close Ness we had !and I’m very unhappy about the lack off sex .
SOOOO well said!!!!
To me 2X per week is okay. However, I wonder about the quality – is she satisfied in those times? If it is good and everything else is good I agree with Stephen in #7.
@ Mike #10, I admit I haven’t argued with the feminists, but pretty sure the majority of women that are married/in LTRs, habitually meet their husbands or BF’s halfway and have sex when they don’t really feel the urge to. Like Helene said, they’re doing it to keep their husbands happy and the relationship healthy. There’s always a middle ground and most couples manage to find theirs.
@ Valley Forge Lady #11, the OP says they have discussed it so many times, she’s given up because discussing it usually gets her nowhere.
We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel.
Personally I find his reaction a bit surprising, given that it is coming from a man who is the OP’s “best friend”. I thought friends helped each other out, no? Not drawing any conclusions, just trying to wrap my head around it… can’t he ever say yes for a change??
We can easily say yes when we are not in the mood to please our men, but… theres a BUT Men need to get an erection, women can fake it.
It’s a coincidence that this is the topic. I’ve just ended a relationship due to this matter. I addressed the issue early on, and at first he seemed open but later became angry and unresponsive. I understand that this is a tender subject with men, but I feel it is important for both parties to do what it takes to satisfy the other because if you’re not going to make the effort with the one you love then what’s the point? He was getting the emotional connection that he sought; however, my needs were not being met. It began to strain the relationship, and the more I brought it up, the angrier he would become. Honestly, it wasn’t worth fighting about. The energy that was invested in arguing about it could have easily been spent in a more constructive way. It was sad to leave because I felt that it was a shallow decision, but I began to feel lonely and rejected and couldn’t take it anymore. Good luck to you! No matter what you choose, it won’t be easy.
You hit the nail on the head in my relationship except it’s my gf with the non-existent sex drive. Like you, I addressed this early on and she seemed open about our compatability but now, 2 1/2 years later she’s very angry and unresponsive when I bring the issue up. She’s getting her “emotional connection and staying in her comfort zone” while my needs go unmet. Now all we do is argue about it when I question her about how I’m feeling about this. So now I’m contemplating leaving because I feel so lonely, rejected and undesirable. I’m older so I fear it will be harder to find someone who shares the same ideas and desires as I do but I just can’t ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I hope you have moved on and found the happiness you deserve.
It is certainly something that can be a deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion this is one of the most important parts of a relationship as it is a way in which people can share a connection with one another.
@AQ
It’s not the lack of orgasm. I’m sure she could take care of it herself. It’s being made to feel undesirable with seems to be killing her libido when he is into it. Regardless it’s not a good sign if a guy only wants sex twice a week.
Exactly. I don’t know about people with low sex drive, but I think people with normal sex drives want to feel desirable to their loved one. We want to feel like our partner LUSTS for us all the time. This makes us feel alive and whole. It is a form of love.
This sensual, magic, delicious, ecstatically alive dimension of existence can only be shared with our partner. We can get friendship and everything else with friends, family, etc.
Isn’t lovemaking part of the definition of a partner? If you can’t enjoy this with someone, if they don’t want you in this way, what is the point of even being with them?
I feel like my sexuality is a huge part of who I am. I was in a marriage with a man who was not sexually in tune with himself, never mind with me. A super genius who was totally cut off from his body and sexuality. I tried to live without feeling sexy and desirable because I loved his intelligence and the fact that he loved my intelligence. But I felt like a big part of me was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
We would have been better off remaining friends. Maybe everyone in a sexually frustrating relationship should ask themselves if they would be happier just being friends with their partner. And if this question makes you realize you would not even enjoy them as a friend, then you REALLY need to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with them.
Leaving my ex was a second chance at being alive. I’m so sorry I stayed half dead for as long as I did.
I am in a relationship with a very masculine, sexually skilled and confident man who is obsessed crazy in lust with me. He adores me and loves me madly. He makes me feel so cherished, young, beautiful, irresistibly sexy, playful, wild, free, soft, sweet and deeply feminine. I float with joy every day. No matter what else is going on in life, he and I share this amazing amazing dimension of existence. It’s like living in a whole different world where we are always happy.
Don’t remain partly dead any longer. Leave now. It is so so so worth it.
As for everyone’s partners who are not interested in making love to them and don’t desire them… if it’s friendship they want, fine, stay friends. If they don’t want this, and they suffer from you leaving them – I will give you advice the marriage counsellor gave me:
It is not your job to sacrifice your life for this person. No one is going to give you a medal. In fact, if you leave this person, they have a chance to be with someone who is better suited to them.
Hi Josie, I know this is a super old post, but I was wondering if you are still in this relationship as it sounds more like you’re in a honeymoon phase. Totally serious question. I feel I’m with the same, highly intelligent but sweet and humble guy and we are intimate 2-3 times a week on good weeks. His libido is low but I also know he is totally connected to me emotionally. It’s only been almost 3.5 years for us. We have spoken about marriage but he worries about my feeling rejected in the long run with our mismatched libidos.
Evan- i agree with most of your advice, most of the time, but not now. Compromising on sex is not the same as compromising on education, religion, height, age, etc. It is something that deeply affects a relationship everyday. Being sexually compatible sets the tone for the entire relationship. Most discord in any relationship has it’s roots in the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction. If you don’t believe me, read any of Diana Richardson’s books, namely, Tantric Orgasm For Women. Also, you implied a couple of times in your response that this woman wants sex every night….I never heard her say that. She certainly wants more sex than she’s getting and that is a serious issue. In this day and age, women are sexually empowered. If she stays in the relationship and is perpetually dissatisfied, sooner or later she will seek out a lover elsewhere, and who would blame her?
And a note to Saint Stephen… hello…. a vibrator just doesn’t cut it. Your comment is clueless, and an insult to us women.
I love what you said.
Josie, You are 100% correct. I am 55 and lived this life as a man. If you have brought it up, discussed, been patient, waited, fantasized, waited some more, been tender, denied your own needs and your partner still doesn’t get it? Leave.. it isn’t even just about erections. It’s about intimacy and feeling as if your partner lives you more than anything.
The mind games and self esteem issues are to big to ignore. Leave leave leave.
I have plenty of friends, I need someone who loves me!