Should I Stick Around If My Boyfriend’s Sex Drive Is Gone?

man sitting on the edge of the bed, woman looking at him

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. This past month, our intimacy levels have severely dropped. A friend of ours who we confide in mutually passed along to me that my boyfriend told him that he just doesn’t want me sexually. He says he wants to want me, that I am beautiful and sexy to him, but he doesn’t have the drive.

Prior to this conversation with our friend, he and I had had a fight about our lack of sexual intimacy. I told him that I didn’t feel wanted by him and that I always have to initiate sex and that when we are being intimate, he doesn’t do any type of foreplay with me at all. I do all the kissing, touching, etc and he just lays back and enjoys the ride. Other aspects of our relationship were great, but have been affected by that. I know that this issue has made us both resentful and I just need some insight into how I can make him want me again. He says it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months. He won’t talk about it, so that we can get to the root of it and move past it and improve our relationship, yet he says that he wants to work on it and make it better. What can I do to help this situation? —Lena

The real question, Lena, is whether this is a black/white situation or a gray situation.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

If your boyfriend has no sex drive, never initiates, offers no foreplay, feels that every relationship beyond four months is doomed, and is not actively looking for solutions, then there’s nothing you can do.

It takes two to tango, and he’s sitting in a folding chair with his legs crossed.

That’s black and white.

But if he acknowledges that there’s a problem and is willing to make adjustments because your relationship is worth preserving, there’s a chance of preserving it.

Really, it’s the same as ANY relationship dilemma.

If either party is willing to change, it’s got a chance; if neither party is willing to change and the status quo is unfulfilling, you’ve gotta get out.

Still, for perspective, your boyfriend’s experience is very common. Maybe not to the extremes that he’s taken it (NO sex drive. NO desire after 4 months). But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same woman forever.

There’s no more conquering, no more unknowns at the end of the night, no more surprise about what she’s going to look like naked, no more wonder about what happens the next day… I’m not saying I’d trade in my marriage for this; I am saying that these are things that men often miss when they’re part of a couple.

Personally, my desire was always high when my girlfriend (now wife) and I were living separately — even after we got married. But once we moved in together (after about two years), my desire definitely dropped — which is to say that we didn’t have sex every time we saw each other.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

So please, understand, your boyfriend isn’t alone in his feelings. Men are not naturally monogamous, but many of us do choose it.

While familiarity doesn’t necessarily breed contempt, it can certainly temper excitement.

If you want to make things work, do your best to not take things personally. Talking about sex and where your relationship is going is a sure way of killing desire.

Next, do your best to keep things interesting. Ask him about his fantasies. Role play so he can pick you up all over again. Come up with a game where he has to try to please you in order to win the right to be pleased himself. Anything to rekindle the spark and get back to having fun and making spontaneous love.

And if he’s not willing to play along, you have to say goodbye.

Not because he’s a bad man, but because he’s not a man who will keep you sexually satisfied for the rest of your life.

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  1. 1

    Another woeful tale of where we have gotten to as a society.

    1. 1.1



      One man/couple has problems and it’s society’s fault? I’m not sure I’m seeing the connection.

  2. 2

    “But since sex for men is usually about what’s new and exciting, it’s hard to keep things new and exciting with the same woman forever.”

    Since when is 7 months forever? That is still a pretty new relationship. It sounds like this guy has some big intimacy issues, if he can’t do anything but just lie there after only a few months of dating. On top of that, he sounds very passive-aggressive and withholding. I’m not sure how you can work on something that he won’t talk about.

    1. 2.1

      Forever>7 months


      If he can’t keep it up for 7 months, how’s he gonna do it forever?

    2. 2.3

      I agree!!!

    3. 2.4
      Kirsten Courtney

      I agree

    4. 2.5
      Yet Another Guy

      More than a month is often forever for guy.   Why do you think that guys prefer to hookup versus being in a relationship?     Men are not monogamous by nature.   Evolution rewarded men who where polygamous.   The ability of a man to spread his genome is only limited by number of partners that he can impregnate.   That is why sex and love are disconnected in men.   Women are monogamous by nature because evolution rewarded women who were able to secure a man.   The world has been a dangerous place for women for most of mankind’s existence.     That is why the number one female primal need is safety/security.   It is the reason why women tend to prefer taller/physically larger men.   The number one male primal need is the primal urge to pursue and conquer females.

      1. 2.5.1
        Your argument is invalid bro

        Im sorry but since when are woman monogamous by nature? Or connected by sex and love? Plenty of woman have one night stands with zero connection. Ive done shit with exes and felt zero connections. We are wired the same lol, its societal differences that change that, and we have (as humans of any gender) chosen to be monogamous because many social scientific study’s have shown that humans are much happier developing a deeper connection with another over random sex.

        You think I wanna f*ck the same guy for the next 30+ years? Hell no!

        if id have it my way id sleep with whoever and he would only sleep with me. And if he had it his way he would sleep with whoever and id only sleep with him.

        The reason why we are monogamous is because we are insecure and selfish and both people want to screw others but don’t want the other partner to be doing the same. but that’s ok, humans generally prefer it that way (except open marriages and relationship, but that takes a level of trust and comfort most don’t reach in a life time.) . Because love is more powerful than sex, but both are important in a relationship.

        So your argument is invalid.

        1. Yet Another Guy

          My argument is invalid in your mind; however, there is a large body of scientific evidence that backs my claim.   Evolution did not reward women who were polyamorous because they and their offspring did not survive in large numbers.     Women can be promiscuous today because the rule of law provides a level safety that was absent for most of mankind’s existence.   Even then, most of the women I know prefer to be a committed relationship when having sex.   Most of the men I know want sex without commitment. That is why it is said that women are the gatekeepers to sex while men are the gatekeepers to commitment.     Men need love far less than women need love.   Men are not emotional creatures. Men, on average, are emotionally unavailable.

        2. Andie

          THIS! So sick of hearing that women need to just get used to the fact that men aren’t meant to be monogamous. Women get just as bored. We just aren’t selfish pigs who use excuses about “lack of impulse control”. If men weren’t made for relationships just like women, then they wouldn’t get into them.

        3. Me

          well then why is the cochold fetish out there? There is also competition theory that shows if a woman is sleeping with more than one man then her man   will want her more. And with cochold usually the man is monogamous and the women isn’t!

      2. 2.5.2

        They are un evolved.humans lol. Cavemen still exist yes but men do get to an age where they jusr want comfort and happy being in love and companionship. When boys turn to men. We have primal instincts yeah but some are tired of dating chasing etc by a certain time. Also love is stronger than flesh. Mentally strong people mind over matter. Were not anumals

    5. 2.6

      Agreed. He sounds like a loser. I too see this problem more in society.

  3. 3

    SEVEN MONTHS into the relationship and he has lost his sex drive?   Something is very wrong here!   What then can you expect after 5 years?   At this point, there should be wonderful sparks between you.
    My husband and I were together a bit over a year before we married and we could hardly keep our hands off each other.   It took a number of years with very gradual cooling down but never got to the point where there was so much effort required.   Of course, the level of excitement cannot be maintained but we have a 9 year old grandson.
    Yes, men have more difficulty being monogamous.   Back in grad school, we learned about an experiment with goats.   Each male was kept with one female and as goats tend to do, they had a great deal of sex.   After awhile, the males were no longer interested.   However – when a new female was introduced, the male response level started all over again – very high!
    Sex for humans is supposed to be fun and spontaneous and not a CHORE!   I do not believe it should have to be worked at so early in the relationship.   He has problems that I feel are way too deep for you to solve.   If I were you, Lena, I would move on.   This is not the norm!

    1. 3.1
      cj m

      Sure, she should just outright give up because she’s not getting banged often enough… If something is broken, you fix it. You don’t throw it away.

      1. 3.1.1

        Actually, what you do is you move on. Like an adult who isn’t desperate. This guy is a flake and a loser and chances are she’s not being honest about, or doesn’t realize what a good healthy relationship is. So she thinks EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT… but if a partner acts like this, why would any healthy sane strong person decide that it was a good fit.

        He needs to keep looking until he finds a woman he can be attracted to long term. She needs to find a man who is all the things this guy is, only not a flake.

        There are guys who adore their wives and find them sexually interesting at a deeper level than just the “new” and even physical. The real problem with society is that even though we CAN be free and single for most of our youths, we cling to relationships too long and convince ourselves that “She’s the one”. Only after you find the real thing you realize all the other people you were with weren’t a good fit. People are too afraid to keep looking.

        1. ashford

          Perhaps she should support her partner and help him through any issues he has instead of abandoning him!

          He doesn’t sound like a loser, just someone who struggles in that area. Perhaps she needs to stop thinking about herself!

    2. 3.2

      I have experiencethis   he turned out to be a child molester and went after my daughter. He didn’t want to have sex with me but he went after my 11 year old daughter

      1. 3.2.1

        Thank you for sharing. I think 7 months in is pretty early to have this kind of issue.
        I too had an experience like this. Je turned out to be a closet homosexual and was soliciting sexual gang bangs from numerous men off of craigslist instead of going to work as often as he said he was. I found out because of the resulting money problems that endee up affecting me really negatively.
        Super weird behavior. Sign of serious issues. Dump him and move on!

    3. 3.3

      I’ve had this happen he’s gay

      1. 3.3.1
        Yet Another Guy


        No, the LW’s boyfriend is just being a normal straight guy.   I know that it is difficult for many women to comprehend, but guys place far less emphasis on feeling chemistry than women when it comes to sexual attraction.   I personally believe that the emphasis on chemistry is the reason why the average woman is sexually attracted to far fewer men than the average man is sexually attracted to women.   For guys, new and exciting is usually good enough to invoke the primal urge to pursue and conquer a woman as a sexual partner.   The problem with this drive is that it does not last. The problem here is not lack of sex drive.   It is the wrong kind of drive, or as Jeremy would put it, a different meta-goal.

        I know that I personally got bored with most of the women I have dated as sexual partners within the first three months of meeting. It did not matter how good they were in bed or how novel they could keep things. From that point forward, I was doing the slow fade while looking for my next sexual conquest.   I never appreciated how much having strong chemistry with one’s partner affects sexual desire until I met my current girlfriend.   As I mentioned in a previous post, she is not remotely my type, but we have amazing chemistry.   I used to think that a woman needed to slutty/kinky to keep me sexually interested, but all that does is keep things novel, much in the same way that lingerie tricks the male mind into experiencing novelty.   Novelty maintains a guy’s desire to engage in the act, not his sexual desire for the woman engaging with him in the act. It does not deepen his emotional bond with her.

        The TL;DR version is that most men do not need to feel chemistry to pursue a woman as a sexual partner because men chase novelty.   Men are far less selective when it comes to sexual partners.   In fact, a lot men will sleep with a woman that they despise if they are horny enough.   If a man loses sexual interest in a woman after short period of time, it is probably due to chasing novelty instead of feeling chemistry.   If sex is all about intercourse with the man failing to initiate passionate pursuit after the first handful of love making sessions, a woman can pretty much be assured that she was pursued for novelty.   It is best in this case for the woman to exit the relationship as soon as possible and never look back; otherwise, she is setting herself up for frustration and heartbreak.

        1. Naomi

          Depends on age too.

        2. Bhhh

          You are exactly right my friend. Words of wisdom

      2. 3.3.2
        Monica Arispe


  4. 4

    I suspect that his issues are a lot deeper than stated here.   She should  get out of this before the real  stuff hits the fan.  

    1. 4.1
      cj m

      You must be a very lonely person. If your first instinct is to run away…. I feel VERY sorry for you.

      1. 4.1.1

        Lonely is better than desperate and afraid of being alone.

  5. 5

    It seems that your boyfriend is agreeing with what you have accused him of.   While it may be hurtful, he told your friend flat out that he doesn’t want you sexually.   Your boyfriend probably doesn’t like emotional intimacy, period, and you pushing for MORE from him is going to make things worse.
    I think the first few months you are with someone you like and are attracted to are fun, and your boyfriend probably likes “fun”, but then when things starting getting deeper and more serious, he withdrawals.   I’m sure other people must have felt dread when someone is making things more serious than you can personally handle… and dread and amazing sex often don’t go hand-in-hand.
    Telling this guy how you feel probably won’t work for him.   Being fun and carefree and taking away ALL pressure possibly will… but that’s you compromising what YOU want.
    I’d say, if you want to give it a shot, do NOTHING sexually.   Lay beside him and do absolutely nothing but look hot.   If he eventually initiates something, tease and tease and don’t give him access to anything for as long as you can handle, and you just lay there and enjoy it.   But if he just lays there for more than a couple weeks like he is your buddy, I think it’s time to move along because you can’t change him.

    1. 5.1

      Im going to try this!!!!

    2. 5.2

      This is by far the most true answer, I’d take this advice if I were you.

    3. 5.3

      Great advice!!

    4. 5.4

      Well said. This helped me. Thank you

    5. 5.5

      My partner and I have a great time together but we have been on and off for 3 years for this very reason. I am older than him and feel that may be the problem. He won’t discuss it and claims it is not it. He can not be monogamous. I have always loved exploring sexually and like to be aggressive at times sexually. He doesn’t like me to be. I can’t make a move for fear of rejection.   I have tried everything but I have finally accepted that if I don’t expect anything I won’t be disappointed. I might add that I am a lot more attractive than most of his other women and alot classier, I guess would be there word for it.

  6. 6

    He could have intimacy issues but it sounds more like a character issues. He probably can’t become aroused with one woman because he changes partners like he changes socks.   I would have called the whole thing off after finding out from the friend he looses his sex drive after 4 months.   This dude doesn’t sound like a good bet for the future.

  7. 7

    So agree with the posters above! Very poor bet for the future!   I had the same situation with a man who has never married – we dated for 9 months and he broke up with me 2 1/2 yrs ago, saying I didn’t sexually excite him any longer (he expecting me to initiate, he having great problems sexually because he is a former addict, sober several years but never worked on his sexual dysfunction issues) – he has moved on to several different women, same problems after 2-3 months and on to the next………he met me for lunch the other day to see if we could “reconnect” – and he shared the same issues, again never sought help for this even though he told me he would when he broke up with me………..some things never change and of course, my answer was   a resounding “no”

    Don’t waste any more time with this man!   There are MUCH better men out there.

    1. 7.1

      Brenda you are me !! I’m having exactly the same with my partner. .he’s a drinker and smoker but after   six months of being together he’s lost his erectile and now his labido has gone for good and he says he will see his doctor but hasn’t shown any interest in doing so as yet, incidentally he’s been the same with past partners too but passes the buck each time saying they weren’t understanding but what the hell is a woman to do if she’s willing to stand by him but he won’t meet her half way by going to his doctor ? Makes me feel so down and frustrated with the situation   ðŸ˜•

      1. 7.1.1

        Tell him you want an open relationship and get your sexual needs met elsewhere. Since men aren’t interested after a certain time women should push for open relationships! It’s a lot easier for women to find sex outside of a relationship than men so turn it around on them!

      2. 7.1.2
        Yet Another Guy

        @Karen and Brenda

        What you both experienced are guys who “dated down” (a.k.a. settled for less than they desired physically) for sex.   Men are nowhere as sexually selective as women because women are the gatekeepers to sex.     Neither of your men have ED.   ED is clinically the inability to raise an erection firm enough for penetration even via self-masturbation.    If either of your men are able to achieve an erection via self-masturbation, then the problem lies with desire, not the ability to perform.   Sure, the problem can be somewhat rectified by increasing a man’s testosterone level, but then it is just a case of increased libido, not increased desire for you.

  8. 8

    When a man looses his sex drive this early into a relationship the future prospects for this realtionship isn’t good.

  9. 9

    His “wanting” to work on the situation is completely valueless. It’s not his words that count. It’s his actions. If he’s not even willing to talk about it, there’s little hope for improvement. This isn’t a sexual problem. It’s a psychological one. My guess is that he could have an unrealistic expectation, meaning that once the initial intensity wears off (though four months is very early), he isn’t turned on anymore. Or it could be intimacy issues, or even just plain laziness, i.e. there are some people who have immature ideas about long-term sex. If they have to “work” at it by trying to be creative, imaginative, searching deeper for lasting fulfillment, they’re not interested. Only the exciting, quick fix will do. And all of this doesn’t matter really. If he has a habit of no sex drive after a mere four months with women he presumably found attractive, sexy and thus, highly desirable, something is wrong and he’s not a keeper. Imagine if you married, had two children together, a house, bills, overworked, long days, etc. How’s the sex going to be then with a partner such as this?

    1. 9.1
      Yancy Mendenhall

      My boyfriend & i have been together for 2yrs. The past year we have had no sexual intimacy.   . Its driving me crazy as im 44 & hes 58..he doesnt act interested in sex.. Like his sex drive is just gone.   ..he gets mad if i even try to talk to him about it too.   He gets on Facebook tho & looks up sexy women who show tits & ass.   I’ve told him how this bothers me but he still does it.   My hormones are raging out of control since i still have a high sex drive.   Im beyond frustruated

      1. 9.1.1
        Kelli D.

        Yancy I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m in the same situation except we been together dating for 8 years, and he’s 50 and I’m 34. He claims he has no desire for sex and it has nothing to do with me. He told me the other day that it’s all unfair to him when I bring it up but won’t do a damn thing about it. When he does get horny which is rare I better jump on it right then and there or he will lose the horny feeling. This had happened to me the other day I really needed to shower so I took the quickest shower ever and when I got out he wasn’t in the mood anymore. I was devastated so he promised me we can have sex after he gets off of work. Well he lied about that I didn’t get laid after he got off of work. When I mentioned that he forgot his response was “I don’t plan sex” but you planned to fuck me when you got of work. He just told me that because he was still a lil horny.

        I really don’t understand that if he has no drive then why in the hell does a pair of tits catches his eye.

  10. 10

    I’ve never had this problem with a man, and I hope never to have it.

  11. 11
    Born Again Virgin

    From my first-hand experience, there could be a possibility that the man is a closeted gay.   I was married to one (just divorcing), and what is being described is a common trait among closeted men and women.   It gets darn-near impossible for a gay male to pretend sexual attraction to ANY woman when he’s fighting with urges inside.

    In my humble opinion, she should take this as a huge warning sign.   If it’s bad now, it has no where to go but down.   Taking the pressure of him will just let him believe you are okay in not having sex.   Trust me.   Did that the last 10 years.   If you don’t believe my say-so, then you can ask any of the men/women in my support group who have experienced this.   Look at the possibility the man is gay.

    1. 11.1
      cj m

      I think you should put more  emphasis on the  possibility that he is gay. This is actually not that far from the norm. There are a lot of reasons for this kind of behaviour (besides wanting the sausage festival) and for a lot of men it is actually something that passes.

      I had a similar problem once before with my current partner. I was very unhappy with myself at the time. I had little sex drive and it wasn’t the fault of my partner. It was more attributed to stress and a low self-esteem rather than anything.

      Before being so fast to put a guy down for something that you people regard as “not being normal” (because that’s all that I’m seeing from some women who REALLY need to learn what the word empathy means) you might also want to open up to the possibility that there might not be so much of a problem at all.

      Of course if you want the D RIGHT NOW, then you might suggest having a third partner. Either a guy for your tastes or an extra girl to see if you can’t perk the guy up. Of course this might not solve much either.

      A loss of sex drive is an INCREDIBLY complex issue and it is certainly not something to be underestimated.

      A lot of you people in these comments are not too dissimilar from a person mocking the sick. It’s rather horrifying if anything.

      I have lost a lot of my faith in humanity from reading the responses to this question….  

      1. 11.1.1

        But this guy has this issue with lots of women. And odds are that he has deeper issues. And 7 short months in, it’s not her JOB to fix him. Even if they were married… it’s HIS job to fix him.

        And all this gutless, sniveling coward can manage to do is whine to his friend. This is probably how he “breaks up” with women. Or he’s trying to elicit some other response from her.

        And I’m a guy, btw. And I think most women have so little self-esteem that they often make bad choices because they are TERRIFIED of being alone, or being seen as being alone.

        Leavening now is the smart thing to do. Acting like every person you date is deserving of your devotion through anything is childish.

        1. Stephanie

          Yeah this is kinda the stagnant point in the relationship. She might be better matched with someone else who matches her sex drive. If that’s how it happens for him then… They’re time is up. Unless he’s willing to also make compromises as far as letting her see other people ect. No chemistry. No relationship.

      2. 11.1.2
        C Mac

        I appreciate this response, your perspective on this post has been beneficial to me.


        Thank you,


      3. 11.1.3

        I agree with complexity as a great point to make. Patience in these situations is needed… Getting to the root of what may REALLY be going on is also needed sometimes. Even going to a counselor together helps perhaps. Authentic Tantric lovemaking can be a good start.

    2. 11.2

      Lol @ this comment. Though I agree there are a lot of closeted gay men; that are currently doing this exact same thing. It’s completely illogical to say that just because he’s not having sex with her or turned on by her after 4 months , means that he’s gay. I’m gay, I’m dealing with the same issue. I haven’t slept with my partner in over a week. Haven’t wanted too. I am still very much attracted to him. But what I’m not attracted to is the current situation he’s dealing with. It’s s lot that can stop a person from wanting to be intimate. His or Her sexuality isn’t always at the top of the list.

    3. 11.3

      Yes sister I’ve been living this lie and abuse for 9 years

  12. 12
    Flower White

    I have to say it because I live in a city with a large homosexual population: is he bisexual and just tired of you?

    Otherwise he’s not into you. imho

  13. 13

    I have been in a situation like this and through bitter experience I can say that the worst thing you can do is listen to people who try to be heplful by suggesting you do this, that or the other. “Spice things up” “play it cool” “talk to him” “go to therapy” “get new lingerie”…. it is all utterly pointless. I participated in an online forum for people with “mismatched libidos” for a couple of years, and you know what? In the whole time I was on that forum, there were NO men who were the low libido partner in the relationship who joined the forum seeking help support or insight. There were women who wanted more sex than their men, tearing their hair out. There were men wanting more sex than their women, also tearing their hair out. There were also a lot of WOMEN who wanted less sex than their men, but who realised this was causing problems and threatening their relationship and who wanted to find a way to move forward, somehow or other. But like I say, there were NO men like your partner seeking a way forward. All that happens when you try to “solve” a situation like this is that you end up dancing round a maypole, while your partner stands still in the middle doing nothing. Any plan to solve any sort of relationship problem should involve BOTH partners actively committing to what HE is actually going to do, and what is it that YOU should do, in his opinion. Unless HE comes up with such a plan, and the input he suggests is equal on both sides in your view. then don’t waste time here, because that is all that you will do. Sorry to be so negative, but you cannot solve this on your own – nor should you even try. Good luck to you…

    1. 13.1
      cj m

      “I have been in a situation like this and through bitter experience I can say that the worst thing you can do is listen to people who try to be heplful by suggesting  ”

      I once found that a girl cheated on her husband for being too nice to her…. So he should go into every relationship from that point onwards and just be a dick to every girl he meets…. That sounds like your kind of advice!

      Your experience is irrelevant because your knowledge is inadequate.  

    2. 13.2

      I agree with Helene. I have been with my partner for 3 years. This past year we’ve lived together and the entire sex situation has dropped considerably. He is stressed, not confident, it’s not me it’s him, he’ll do better, he’ll kiss me more; all of it gets better for a week and becomes empty effort that’s forgotten very quickly. Having my man kiss me and try to have sex with me because I asked him to? That’s not a good feeling either. I’m all over forums seeking solutions. No matter how much this ENTIRE YEAR I’ve tried helping, talking, spicing it up, getting it up myself, investing in products, trying everything…he falls short of all this effort…to the point where he believes he’s just “not an intimate person.” Tell me, when two people live together, is sex once every 4 months believable? Is 5 pecks max, 0 minimum a day normal? Is NO deep kisses initiated by him ever, unless after I beg, normal? He swears he’s very sexually attracted to me and I’m incredibly beautiful and he’s aroused but I just don’t see it, I only see it  when he’s not, etc. etc. When my eyes follow him all the time, normal? When you love a person this much and pay attention to them and do all you can to help, but you still find yourself wondering, no matter how worried he can be for you or all that he does for you, because of the lack of sexual attraction hole you believe yourself to be in, is what he feels LOVE or just CARE? Is it worth suggesting someone that hasn’t spent much time with this person to owe them anything to STAY in a stagnant relationship this early on??? I say move on! Taking all this advice does nothing for me and many other forum people. I can confidently say I’ve tried everything… so maybe it did give me something. Not an improvement in my relationship mind you, but the confidence to say that if my relationship does end because of this… then I can look him in the eyes and say that I’ve waited for him, I’ve tried my damnedest for him. I’ve tried everything and after all this time, I’ve learned that I can’t live like this the rest of my life. So others like me…

      “Unless HE comes up with such a plan, and the input he suggests is equal on both sides in your view. then don’t waste time here, because that is all that you will do.  Sorry to be so negative, but you cannot solve this on your own —   nor should you even try. Good luck to you…”

      1. 13.2.1

        Wow, this really speaks to me (not to sound cheesy). I have the same problems with the begging for deeper kisses, is it really love or is it just caring? I’ve reached that point where I’m going to stop trying and stop thinking that I have to find the solution, since he’s the one with the problem. He says that all of his previous girlfriends have complained that after a while he doesn’t have sex, doesn’t give them complements, etc, and that’s just the way he is. We are very lovey-dovey like, being cutsy and peck kisses, and playing around, but I have to beg him to have sex with me at least once a month. I’m 29 and have always had a bit of a high sex drive, he’s only 31 so I don’t think this should be a problem! He’s also very dedicated to his job, which I think really affects his energy levels, etc. I warned him yesterday that this lack of sex and intimacy is just not acceptable, he says he’s going to try and that he’s scared that I’ll leave. but basically I think I’m going to have to follow Jona’s advice and head out if something doesn’t change soon.

  14. 14

    Stop looking for reasons or believe everything you’ve heard. He saying, “…it happens to him in every relationship, that the sex starts out great, but he loses his drive if he is with a woman longer than 4 months,” is an answer he came up with because you keep asking him. He is telling you he has lost interest in you. It could have absolutely nothing to do with sex. Men are not machines, and if something about a partner isn’t working for them, they can turn off sexually. In all honesty, do nothing other than move on and accept it.

    1. 14.1
      danielle Ru

      Thanks i needed to read this. It hurts since I’m in this situation. But it’s a fact.

  15. 15

    He sounds like he has some real deep-seated sexual issues, maybe intimacy issues as well.

    Even if (and I don’t think this is the case at all) he has gotten bored with the same ol’, he would warm up once things got going. But if he lays there and doesn’t kiss you or explore you there is something seriously wrong. He admits this always happens to him so clearly it’s not you, and no amount of lingerie, and games, imo, are going to change things.

    I’d get out. But if you love this guy and think he’s the one, the only way I’d stay is if he agreed to couseling, and I’d be watching closely to see if he  shows genuine  action in finding a solution.

    1. 15.1

      yeah i have the same exact problem with my bf! he never initiates sex and i usually have to do it. As a woman it is tiring and he does not seem to be into it at all. I have tried so many lingerie , nighties etc   in the past but got tired of him not wanting sex at all. I think its because he is into other women too but does not love them but like women’s bodies in general so I guess he would rather fuck all women but cant do it because hes with me and doesnt want to upset me

  16. 16
    Flower White

    He’s not into her!

  17. 17

    IMO, if a man can’t get it up because he needs a new relationship every 4 months, then he is a loser. Don’t waste your time on him. To the OP, why would you want to stay knowing how he is??

  18. 18

    It’s a heartbreak now, but better now after <year than after a decade of marriage and two kids. Then you've got the challenge of deciding which is the lesser heartbreak – coping with a sexless marriage or breaking up your children's home.

    1. 18.1

      Open the relationship if it’s even worth keeping. There’s only one descision. I’m getting ready to leave a relationship like that now. That shit is pointless. I wouldn’t work harder on it. It’s not working now. Thank each other and move forward. Go be single and have a good time doing what you want.

  19. 19

    Is he very young? He sounds very selfish and lazy. Perhaps he doesn’t have a real idea of how sex in a long term relationship is. It’s less exciting, but more comfortable and fine tuned.

    I must admit the possibility of him being gay/or bisexual popped into my head right away. He may really be gay but the excitment of a new woman can help stimulate his mind to the point he can sleep with her. A better question is “Was he ever REALLY into sex in the beginning?” and also how much effort did he put in initially v. now?

    Best of luck to you. I’m not sure if I agree that men aren’t naturally monogamous but I’m certain you can find plenty who will be regardless. Don’t let it get you down.

  20. 20

    I agree with Michael #14. Yeah, it does sound like he doesn’t want you anymore. Good for you because you can certainly do better.

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