Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

guy seeing a girl and giving her flowers

Dear Evan,

I really hope you can help me with this predicament.   About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship.   He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot.   I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life–just out of a relationship and just having graduated college.   On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up.   We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person.   The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin.   He said that was great and he really respects that.

It was after this conversation that he seemed to change.   He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.”   He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point.   On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me”     Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background.   I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.   I like this guy but whoa!

I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little.   When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments.   Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order:   1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated.   What am I to make of this guy?   I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.

What are your insights?   Should I end this for good?   Is he crazy?   Am I crazy?


Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?

Let’s start with the virginity thing.

I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.

Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.

Now I’ll admit — I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.

I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.

And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….

And until you have experienced that sexual bond with a few men, you really have no idea what’s out there.

It might be easy to say that you only want to save it for your one and only, but what if your one and only doesn’t please you? It’s like assuming you wanted to be a doctor for your whole life, but learning in med school that you actually hate it. People do this ALL the time. There’s no downside in doing your research. And yes, having sex with other men besides your future husband can be considered very fun research.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

Lest anyone fly off the handle, I’m not saying Effei should go screw a stranger at a bar. But maybe having sex with the first man she falls in love with BEFORE she gets married would be a decent idea. Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.

Anyway, this is really about your new guy, and I’m more concerned about him.

It’s a very common male psychology to exalt the untouched — to value the new car instead of the old car, etc. But that psychology plays to the age-old double standard — men are studs, women are sluts. Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree. And this guy is scrambling to climb it as fast as he can. But what happens when he takes a bite? What happens, Effei?

Neither you nor I know the answer. But I’d be pretty concerned. See, his change in tone with you made one thing very clear to me — he’s not enamored with YOU; he’s enamored with what you REPRESENT. And that’s dangerous — as dangerous as a woman liking a guy because he’s rich. Wealthy men are always on the lookout for golddiggers, with good reason — they’re often very good at masking their intentions. Your guy isn’t. The second he heard you were untouched, your value to him skyrocketed. And it shouldn’t. You’re the same woman you were the day before.

Which is my big worry.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

So while I’m tempted to tell you to dump this guy, I would urge you to continue take it slow and let him reveal his true intentions.

He IS going too fast, he DOES seem insincere, and you DON’T want to be objectified because you’re different.

Please come back and let us know how it went.


P.S. Get over the idea that men should value you for your education. It’s not that education doesn’t matter — it’s that it matters FAR LESS than the things that he DOESN’T possess himself. Like sex, for example.

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  1. 1

    I don’t know why given who I am and the experiences I have had, but I have always found the attitude many men have about virgins to be a repulsive attitude. I’m not a feminist, but the way I see it that attitude makes commodities out of all women. Virgins are fresh, unspoiled goods. Non-virgins are used, despoiled goods. Women are people, not produce. Blech. If I was a chick, I would do a 180 degree turn and dump that guy.

    1. 1.1

      People in some religions belive, that   if woman have been with man then every sexual releationship add bioenerical mark on woman, and if woman have a child then child have mother other partners bio marking aswell, then child is not completely than men who made it.

      Other more realistic and psychological reason is, if person have more than one sexual partners then he have more experience and she/ he will compere their experience.

    2. 1.2

      FOR REAL!A woman isn’t a piece a meat a man can stick their dick in and roll over and fall asleep.A woman’s virginity is just as priceless as their mind.I rather be with a virgin then a non-virgin simply because I know my partner hasn’t been with anybody else,so that opens the door to trying things,new things that either my partner and I would suprisingly like.Another reason being is that I don’t really have to worry about catching something.Yeah,I see my view is pretty fucked up,but it’s my thought.Question to the non-virgins (not to the people who gave it to someone they been with for 2+ years or those victim of rape):

      Do you honestly regret losing your virginity?

      Or feel as if you’re sloppy seconds?

      I’m not trying to offend anybody at all,I’m just curious because the older I get,I hear people wish they still had their virginity.

      1. 1.2.1

        Never regretted, nor I have ever regret the partners i was with, they were all interesting persons, each one was a unique individual with his dreams, hopes, ideas. I don’t treat my partners like pieces of meat, they are people with feelings, i could care less about their past experiences. Every different partner is a completely different sexual experience, trying new things is not something prevented by non virginity, what if you discover you’re not compatible at all with your husband for example? You will be unsatisfied your whole life, or your partner will.

        About diseases, your beloved virgin can always betray you after marriage and give you nice presents without you even suspecting about that – and it happens quite frequently, especially when you can’t satisfy your partners’ sexual needs.

        Sloppy seconds? To who, those virgins that put themselves on a pedestal, insulting non virgins bc they feel like they’re better bc of an hymene? I lost respect for people like that long ago, especially when they desire your man and try everything they can to ruin your relationship – without success ofc, bc my man will not betray me; even when a virgin went to him and told him “i’m a virgin, i can be all yours forever” he turned her down. What is the pure part about people like that? Where is this “special beauty”, respect and education? I see only pitiful girls, fooling themselves in considering every non virgin like “impure” and   whore when they are far worst.

        I’m a person, my ideas and dreams represent me, not a piece of skin. Those virgin girls were horrible persons not because of being virgin but bc of their attitude.


        Sex is not about man sticking his dick in your hole, is about exchanging pleasure with the person you want to. Every damn time i talk to a virgin girl she doesn’t even know how to satisfy her basic sexual needs – which don’t require to be non virgin btw – and after marriage things go far worse: they just have sex when the man wants to bc they have no idea how to feel pleasure, zero connection with their partners.

        What a great life, really. I pity all virgins from the bottom of my hearth bc their attitude is terrible (“i’m better than you bc i’m a virgin, you’re just a whore who laid with many men”) and they will never know how beautiful sex can be.

        1. hunter



        2. Nehemie

          i smell jealousy here hunny.

        3. Sue

          You pity all virgins? You don’t know every single existing virgin in this planet! I feel like you are generalizing a judgemt and it is not fair! Virgins chose to be virgins for their own reasons it doesn’t make a better or less human out of them! Non virgins chose to experience the pleasure because that’s what makes them happy and that doesn’t make any better or less human of them! It’s our minds that determines who we really are not our physical aspects! It looks like there is lot of confusion regarding this subject! I am nobody to judge others…

    3. 1.3


      A woman is more then a piece of meat.They are human beings not an object that you stick your dick in.

    4. 1.4
      solomon John Sesay

      To certain extent, I agree. Some men see women as commodity and others see women for what they are,not all men. The men who respect women will value a virgin for the right reasons and the men who do not will do otherwise. When it comes to not having sex until marriage, Some women will agree and others will disagree. Generally speaking, not having sex until marriage is good in most cases because the women will benefit the most. Most women I have met regretted giving it up so soon and I could tell that they were compelled to do so because of societal pressure. Moreover, in todays society, you are not cool if you are a   virgin but in my opinion, you are better off if   you wait until marriage especially if you end up with the right guy. Therefore, most women would like to put premium price on experience but with experience   comes a lot pain and regrets; as a result, a good number of women will suppressed their pain and act like it was all good,yo right.

      1. 1.4.1

        I do not see what women have to benefit the most in waiting for sex after marriage .   Sex   is much more than just an exercise and procreation. I would want to be sure that my man and I are sexually compatible. My ex just had a big dick, that was just a massive chunk of flesh… he didnt know how to use it   (sex was a nightmare and we just had to stop) . Imagine as a virgin, I marry such a man, what would actually happen to my marriage? There is so much to sex really which can make or Mar a relationship esp when the individual is unteachable. I do not regret losing my virginity and it was the most painful exercise I’ve ever had to go through and wouldn’t wish for it again. I also appreciate the fact that I fully understand what sex is and can enjoy it. I wouldn’t for anything date a man who believes in no sex before marriage. It’s just as good as being blind and going to shop.

        Secondly as crazy as this may seem, I believe people only reveal their true character after sex esp men and I think women are less attached when they haven’t given it up.   I may be wrong, but it’s what I have observed even with my friends who happen to be virgins.

        I also know a few guys who got married to virgins, pride themselves on it … but cheat cos of dissatisfaction, one even said he realised he only married his wife cos she’s a virgin.   I mean why will you want a 5th grader when you can have a professor?   I actually don’t see how the issue of pain and regret comes into it. Men also go through that.

        Moreover, it’s like a lot of people tend to shy away from the health benefits of having a healthy sexual life. In my opinion, there’s a lot more benefit to having sex, than abstinence.

        1. hunter

          aquarian, professors are far and few, according to a study, more than sixty percent of women, are unaware of the bedroom technique (show no enthusiasm in bed)….

        2. Heetuhnuh

          A whole lot of points you made…Aquarian!

    5. 1.5

      I couldn’t agree more with you. Today, the one guy I’ve been with for a year now actually had the audacity to tell me that he thinks that girls who sleep around have very low morals and that he will ONLY marry a virgin girl and if he doesn’t find one that he will not get married. At first I got super offended and felt truly hurt inside considering we had just had sex two days before so it obviously made me feel like something that’s not worth anything. I also sort of liked this guy for something serious a while back so now knowing that he would never consider me as a girlfriend, let alone a wife and that he literally views me as a piece of spoiled garbage… Since I had a previous relationship before him. I mean, ouch!   Then, I realized he sounds so, incredibly STUPID, ignorant and truly like someone with no mental capacity behind this ridiculous idea…. I cannot fathom the level of ignorance in some men. I’ve always had the bad luck to come across close minded people but I always come to my senses and think positively. Not only is this particular individual a TRUE whore as he sleeps around constantly with other girls— he’s a hypocrite who says “I sleep around bc I’m young and I want to have fun” so my question is, why is it bad for a girl to ever wish to do the same? I personally do not sleep around simply bc I know most men simply want to cum and have no regard towards the girl. He also views her as a play toy and knowing that doesn’t make sex enjoyable. So I refrain from ever satisfying an egocentric, close minded, hypocrit, STUPID man with these views. I actually have nothing against girls who do it. In fact, I celebrate it when a girl does whatever the heck she wants. Anyways, long story short, all of me wishes that men did not have this view of girls bc it really makes life difficult. Life as a girl is difficult  enough with all women go through — uncomfortable periods, child birth, and now add, societies view of women roles, the fear and thought of debating wether or not you should have sex with this guy or satisfy yourself sexually bc society inflicts this as “bad” in you…. I mean. Come on. We are all humans, with the same lasting destiny of death after life…. Everyone should just do whatever they like as long of course, as this action doesn’t inflict direct pain on others. Having sex is something pleasurable and a girl should be be viewed as a skit bc she’s seeking some pleasure. By the way, this exact same story about the guy liking a girl more after they she says she’s a virgin happened to me. My first guy (who by the way was an absolute mistake) wanted me even more when I shared I was a virgin. Another big IDIOT! God, I’m so dissapointed with humanity. All that’s left to do is live life and not pay mind to people who are not worth it. This brings me back to the guy I mentioned earlier. He’s not worth it AT ALL! Not just for what he had the audacity to say, but for many other reasons. This all made me think hard and it’s best to let him go.

      1. 1.5.1

        chloe,   you have seen him for one year, it maybe time to move on…

    6. 1.6

      yea also I can see why god is not male not female has no sex and is all love… because humans as they are….ridiculous! virgin not virgin can still be so disgustingly evil. especially the men “about” virgins. pure filth of a creation. God repented making them.

  2. 2
    Cathouse Teri

    Very valid points from Evan. I especially liked this phrase:
    “Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree.”

    There is much to be concerned with about this guy. His thinking is all messed up.

    But in my opinion, there is no reason to discuss your past sexual experience (or lack of it) with someone. Especially that early on. And it almost seems as if Effei makes too much of almost “flaunting” the virgin idea. And then bristles when it’s the thing that got a man’s attention. It’s none of his business if she’s a virgin. Or if she’s had a hundred men.

    While I realize that they were discussing religion, and the virgin thing fell into that category, it really is something that ought to be more protected. As a personal issue. Not casting pearls before swine, and all that jazz.

  3. 3
    Karl R

    “I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across”

    This makes it sound like virginity is something that he wants to come across. Unless his religious / cultural views towards premarital sex are similar to yours, this is sending up a red flag for me.

    However, I think Evan overstates the case against virginity. A recent girlfriend of mine was a virgin. She certainly wasn’t the best lover I’ve ever had, but she was far from the worst. A little creativity, enthusiasm and communication go a long way in bed.

    And if I’m potentially going to be with a woman for the rest of my life, I’m not too worried about the short period of time it takes her to learn “typing skills”.

    “what if your one and only doesn’t please you?” … “Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.”

    I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.


    If your religious and cultural beliefs are important to you, by all means keep them. They probably will slow down your search for the right man. But there will be men out there who share those beliefs, and who value you as a person. There will also be men who value you enough as a person to respect your beliefs, even though they don’t share them.

  4. 4

    1) What Evan said.

    2) Effei, and do I ever hope you come back and read the comments, you have no idea what you may be getting yourself into if you don’t have sex with the man before marrying him (and many times).

    Due to inexperience you may just be thinking that sex is just sex, all sex is the same, and so on (I can’t remember now what my own conceptions of sex were before I had it, but I am certain I wasn’t aware of the variety of possibilities).

    Well, sex is not like pizza in a sense that even if it’s bad, it’s still quite good. Maybe, maybe, it is like that for men, but I don’t really think that even that could be true. It is entirely possible to have a sexual experience the mere memory of which may nauseate you or make you shudder.

    Another thing you can’t know yet is that sexual compatibility is just as rare as any other kind.

    I attended a religious lecture once advocating abstinence before marriage, and the speaker stated that out of LOVE for each other, the two people in the marriage will potentially be able to adjust their respective techniques (not necessarily true, by the way – not everyone is capable of love in the bigger sense of the word). But let me tell you, there may be things present that are outside of your partner’s control. I won’t even mention the proverbial size. There may be something on his body or skin that you won’t be able to get over. There may be something about his bodily functions (perspiration, erection, ejaculation, and, well, orgasming itself (they are not one and the same, and I am getting too graphic already)) that will not agree with your preferences (which you are not yet aware of because you don’t know how different things can be with different people).

    Finally, you and your partner may have entirely different ideas of how sex should transpire and its place in a viable marriage.

    It’s like buying a house after only seeing the facade.

  5. 5

    As someone who, for religious reasons, has also decided to wait for marriage for sex, I have to disagree with some of the above statements. For example, the whole “what if it’s bad” argument. If I’ve never been with anyone else, I have nothing to compare it to…so how will I know if it’s not “spectacular” or “mindblowing”? I believe that it will be great when I get married (aside from any physical issues, obviously), not because of anything physical, but because of the commitment and love that it represents….and yes, I’m sure I’m not going to be the best when I first get married, but I would feel safer and more comfortable “learning the ropes” with the person I’ve committed myself to for the rest of my life than with some random guy I don’t even know anymore. But…that’s just me.

    1. 5.1

      My dear , Juju is so damn right. Sex after marriage is as good as you setting yourself up for mediocrity. Even if you do not have anything to compare it with, you may actually be appalled at how exciting sex has been described and why your experience is so different. I have been there. For years, I dreaded having sex with my first. There was no pleasure. It was just an exercise.   Moreover, what if you end up with a partner who is sexually selfish, who will teach you the ropes??? Anyway, I respect your religious beliefs, but pls do not shy away from the reality of it. It’s either you’re aware and prepared to deal with it , but disagreeing is as good as lying to yourself. Some people are really bad in bed!!!

      1. 5.1.1

        aquarian, “who will teach you the ropes”……a some men try to teach…mostly unsuccessfully…


        1. Aquarian

          Lol. True.

    2. 5.2

      Totally agree! This matter is surrounded with quite an interesting amount of negativity! Not having sex is   choice just like ny other choices in this life!! If   woman os virgin doesn’t mean she is ignorant or clueless bout sex! We are in m era where there are no kept secrets! Plus virgin can take the time to experiment self pleasuring! She is virgin still because she respects her body and she wants to live the moment with someone who loves her just as equally as she loves him! Maybe she doesn’t want to feel used! Everyone’s psychology is different!

  6. 6

    I would strongly agree that waiting until marriage is not necessarily the best plan. Its a great in theory for some, but not necessarily in practice because you never know what you are in for until it could be too late. Case in point….my first serious boyfriend (not my first time though) was selfish and cold in bed. We broke up because of sex. He talked about settling down, having kids and I cringed at the thought of procreating with him. After we broke up I thought thank god I didn’t marry him! He was cute, fit, good family background, good job, etc ……he was something I would obviously consider for marriage. But sex was a nightmare because he wanted it on his terms only. He had no real interest in ensuring I was enjoying myself. It was the old get in, get off, roll over and sleep. Talking to him did nothing. Positive reinforcement did nothing. Bluntly asking for X, Y, and Z did nothing. No one should suffer through bad sex in dating, let alone a marriage.

    For the love of god….be aware as others have said, that sexual compatibility is EQUALLY as important as overall compatibility in a healthy successful lasting relationship (or marriage). Whether you have sex before the “I do’s” or not, you MUST be aware of this. Don’t assume that a ring on your finger and you are “in love” means you will have great sex.

    And I don’t think this guy is right for you in my opinion.

  7. 7

    I’m currently traveling and had to stall here at the internet cafe to await an e-mail from a friend and decided to see what the latest was here. Boy was I glad I did!

    Quote of the day from Karl: I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.

    Amen to that! From some of the previous virgin friends some of you may know that like Effei I’m one of those waiting-until-marriage folks, and I’ve come across this issue before. When a guy first finds out he tends to be rather stunned that he’s dating a virgin and it can stun him and his senses a bit and make him sound like a real toad. If he quickly pulls his act together and starts acting like a normal guy again, keep him, and don’t fault him for his momentary lapse. But if he continues to bring it up, drop him like a hot potato. Evan’s advice is right on there.

    And I find Cathouse Terri’s advice quite interesting in light of several threads where people talk about their tendency to have sex after X number of dates, where X is usually a number that would come up far sooner than a month and a half. If there’s a guy you’re interested in you don’t want to turn him off unecessarily. If things are progressing slowly on the physical front then you want him to know the lack of speed isn’t necessarily correlated to your level of interest. And if things are progressing quickly, then you don’t want him to think you’re just a cock tease. A difficult place to be put in.
    I’m not saying you should anounce your virginity on the first date, but after you’ve had some makeout sessions, the issue will come up.

  8. 8


    it all depends on how important sex will be to you in the relationship (and bear in mind that the level of this importance may change over time).

    I’d say for me it’s, like, one of the three or four most important things about living with someone. I can’t allow it to remain an unknown when going into this situation, because it’s just such a huge chunk of my potential happiness with the man.

  9. 9


    You’ll know if it’s not spectacular or mindblowing. There is no mistaking it.

    And to both you and Effei, while techniques can be learned, so much about sex is about compatibility on such an incredibly visceral level that there really is no way to know unless you try. If you’re not having sex with the person, it’s easy to mistake your own sexual frustration for sexual tension/compatibility, only to discover that you’re never going to be fully satisfied in that relationship. Maybe that’s okay for some people, but not for me.

  10. 10

    Going against the grain is always difficult and reason for the use of caution. I believe that everyone has a right to his or her beliefs when it comes to their sexuality so discussion on how “wise” Effies’ decision is to abstain should not be the issue. People choose their lifestyles based on their up bring, culture, experiences and personality and a whole host of other variables. What will make one person happy will be pure misery for another.

    As someone who has made a similar decision to Effie, I am sure it was not made lightly or on a whim. In fact given the way sex is pushed at you from all angles, it is one of the most important decisions I have made in my life.

    One man’s meat is another man’s poison. I have chatted with guys who on learning I was a virgin and not looking to change that state in the near future, basically distanced themselves. And then there were others for whom I became a fascination and they chased me even harder. Neither types of guys were interested in me , the person.

    One thing I have learned is that time is your friend. If you take the time to get to know a guy and pay attention, sooner or later he will let you know by words or deeds what he is really about. And I don’t recommend letting a guy know too soon that you are a virgin. I usually let them know first thing that I am not into casual sex. and then if that hasn’t run em off wait for a while to see how things go.
    Hang in there.

    SOnot work for anouther whose experences and expectations are different and i think that a persons decision should be repsected.

  11. 11

    Sex is absolutely a skill that is learned, practiced, and worked on through repetitions and, hopefully, with at least several partners. I’ve discovered this over the last year or so as I’ve had a sharp spike in the number of partners I’ve had and my bedroom skills have increased dramatically. If you’re going to remain a virgin until marriage, you’re setting yourself up for a) relationship failure, or b) a very mediocre sex life. I hate to compare it like this, but sex is exactly like learning a sport. You need reps, you need coaching, you need lots of PT to get really good…

    Also, I want to say a few words about having reference experience. I’ve had several exes where I thought the sex was fantastic. Compared to my previous experiences, it was. But, compared to the experiences I’ve had lately, my old experiences PALE in comparison. Like, my old experiences went from an 8 to a 3. If you have no reference experience, you won’t know the difference between okay and good, good and great, and great and mindblowing.

    If you’re a virgin you’ll find that actual great sex is vastly different from the sanitized and romanticized version you see on TV and in movies. If that’s your only reference experience, you’re in for a surprise.

    My recommendation: do your future hubby a favor and get thee a multitude of partners!!

    1. 11.1

      As a married woman in her 40’s with 3 children, your comment (Lance) is amusing to me on many fronts. First off, I have been married for 14 years, and my husband is the only man I’ve ever been with. You are right, without much experience, you don’t know if sex is good by the world’s standards or not. You really only know if you like it or not. Your experience that was previously rated an 8 that was downgraded to a 3? If you’d never had a more sexciting encounter, you’d have never missed it! You would have been fairly content with what you were getting. Secondly, over the years, sex within my marriage has not been one experience over and over – it is not exactly the same every time. Sometimes it is mind blowing, and other times it is boring. Sometimes we have sex three times in the same day – or every day for several days in a row, and other times there seems to be a dry spell, or a sudden infrequency that might be alarming if we didn’t have such an open and honest relationship about what’s going on (or not going on for that matter). In a marriage, sex is an important part of life, but it is not THE most important part. Our relationship has thrived through highs and lows – exotic vacations, periods of unemployment, the addition of each child, bouts of depression, periods of contentment, hospitalization, romantic getaways and date nights, illness, etc. Thank God that each of us feels love and compassion for the other far beyond sexual satisfaction because as circumstances change, so too do our sex drives, our sense of adventurousness, our desire/willingness to try new things. Could I tell my new husband what turned me on or what I liked when we first got married? Not entirely. We mostly had to learn by trial and error, and we had fun figuring it out. My husband was not a virgin when I met him, and maybe in the beginning I wasn’t the best sex he’d ever had, but by this point, I can say with confidence that I am. I didn’t need to sleep with a lot of men to achieve that status – just tried lots of different things with the same man. Many people think that being married to one person and only ever having sex with one person would be boring, and for some that may be the case. Funny enough, the longer we are married, the better our sex life gets because I’m more and more comfortable and confident, and I do know more about what I like and don’t like. We know how to please one another by this point! My advice to Effie – find out why this man cares so much that you are a virgin. I mean, is he also a virgin? Had he told himself that women are so slutty that he was going to marry the first virgin he met? Mature people would be able to discuss these things. Ask lots of questions Effie, and you will be able to discern if this guy is worth your time or not.

      1. 11.1.1

        Well said. I think the whole “virgins are crap lovers” argument is stupid because everyone who is sexually experienced was once a virgin. So a virgin can eventually become sexually experienced with someone that they love. But I believe that has to come from both sides. Men can’t go around being promiscuous and expected to find a pure innocent virgin to marry. To be honest, I find it quite disgusting to view sex as a ‘pastime’ and advocating the concept of ‘test driving’. As well as the physical element of having sex there is also the emotional. That’s why people end up having complicated emotionally draining relationships. Because they slept with the wrong people. But that’s just me.

        1. AJ

          I don’t know you but I love you for this response.

      2. 11.1.2


  12. 12

    I don’t think Effei’s virginity is the real issue here – I think this guy is moving too forward for her and it’s creeping her out. If he truly respected her he wouldn’t make an issue out of her being a virgin.

    If a guy wanted to set his life plan with me after 6 dates – and I weren’t into him – it would make me feel weird.

    Effei, hold your ground. Some may not agree with your decision to wait till marriage but you are demonstrating self-respect, which is awesome. Besides, your young. You’ve been giving this guy a chance and you can decide if he’s what you’re looking for.

    And Evan, your advice on having Effei ‘test drive’ before marriage is repulsive. You may not agree with her decision, but these are Effei’s values and it’s a very personal objective. Effei’s still young and she sounds very self-assured. If this is the wrong standard for her she’ll discover it on her own, and eventually figure out what’s right for her.

    At the end of the day, having self respect is the best way to get what you want out of a relationship.

    1. 12.1

      some people lack morals and self discipline. When they lose their virginity, they start ranting on social platform. Same thing gay people are doing. People always look for a way to justify their irrational behaviour. When you know that you’ve gone beyond moral, societal and personal standard, why not accept it and make amends in the future? Why fighting others over your own mistakes? If its not paining you, why are you so interested in explaining reason behind your unethical decisions?

  13. 13

    I do think this guy seems fairly creepy so I can understand Effei’s concerns. However, character and integrity count. Effei, don’t you worry about what anyone else thinks. Be true to yourself first and foremost.

  14. 14
    Cathouse Teri

    I also think Effei’s choice to remain a virgin until marriage should not be the discussion here. In fact, I was even surprised that Evan went off in that direction. It is a very personal choice. My oldest son chose to remain a virgin for a number of years. It was not a religious choice. Nor was it a choice that had a certain goal in sight (love and/or marriage). He simply did not want to participate in sexual activity before he felt comfortable with it. He had several girls break up with him over this because they interpreted this as a rejection and his lack of desire for them. I say one is well rid of such potential partners.

    One very basic necessity in a partner is their utmost respect for your beliefs. They don’t need to agree with nor adopt them. But if you feel strongly about something and they can’t respect that, then it is best to move on.

    On the other hand, you will run into people like this man, who are intrigued by your resolve. And challenged by it. And see you as a trophy to be gained. This is very much someone to run from.

    As for the need to discuss your virginity with a man in order to prevent him from thinking of you as a cock tease, this is a concept I can’t even begin to back up. First of all, if you have chosen chastity until marriage, I would assume you do not do everything sexual leading up to “the main event” and then put up the stop gate. Secondly, there is no rule regarding on which date to have sex. Much debate surrounds this, but if you are one who already goes against the grain with the virginity plan, then likely you are used to thinking outside the box on this.

    And incidentally, since discussion has surrounded this extensively here, I do not at all agree that there is a need to have massive amounts of sexual experience in order to be good at it. Sex within a relationship is a physical expression of what is going on emotionally and spiritually between two people. It is very natural. I am sure that one can cite account after account where someone married and found themselves to be physically incompatible. But I would wager that those statistics cannot be justifiable, as too many variables can be involved. Such as, they are incompatible in other ways, too. It is possible to be a virgin and yet educate yourself about sex. If you have an open mind and are willing to communicate about it, you’ve won more than half the battle.

    1. 14.1
      solomon John Sesay

      One of the best advices so far. A good number of women on this platform do not want to admit that the more promiscuous you are the lesser your chances are to create a bond between you and your significant other. Sex is not a game and a lot of bad things could happen when you are having random sex for example STD and other complications. Why there are so many failed marriages or relationships, I believe it has to do with making bad choices, choosing the wrong partner and having sex without control.

      1. 14.1.1
        solomon John Sesay

        You gave one of the best advices so far.*

      2. 14.1.2

        Solomon john essay, really?   Is what you say from your personal research and study, or do you have actual proof?


      3. 14.1.3

        Huh? Lmao. Okay. I’m sure you just want to be stuck with your beliefs. Best of luck.

        The women here are speaking from experience. You’re a man, you wouldn’t know…

  15. 15

    A couple of things:
    1. what is a more ‘conservative’ race? Not starting anything, just curious if effei could come back and clear that up

    2. I’m not a virgin. Never believed in waiting until being married to have sex. But she does, so we should let her. I don’t think effei feels this way because she’s never heard of some of the arguments people are making. And hitting her over the head with our views isn’t likely to change her mind…if anything it’s more likely to make her discount all of our (good) advice in general. Sex is important to me. I have some friends for whom it is not. When i talk about the craziness i’ve dealt with in the name of good sex they look at me like i’m on crack. when they decribe sex as ‘pleasant’ and that’s good enough for them, i wonder if they should get a check-up from a doctor. But we are coming at the sex issue from two totally different sides and never the twain shall meet. So it is with effei so I hope everyone can let go of trying to convince her how quesitonable her decision to wait is. Not because i disagree, but because it seems pointless to me and may be doing more harm than good.

  16. 16

    The problem isn’t that Effei is a virgin, it is that this guy (who I’m assuming is not a virgin) became more into her when he found out she had no sexual experience. Men who specifically look to marry a virgin, when they themselves are not virgins, usually do so because of sexual issues (this isn’t guys who just happen to end up with a virgin, but those that seek them out or become more interested upon that mere fact). Whether it is lack of sex drive, size issues, an attempt to hide the fact that they are not attracted to women, etc. the “virgin seeker” usually has some confidence issues where they would rather the woman not have a reference point to compare them to.

    If you’re a virgin for religious reasons, then find a man who shares your values, and abstains for the same reasons you do.

    And if you are truly in love with a guy who isn’t a virgin himself and are going to marry him, have sex with him before you actually sign your name on the line… a few times. You’d still be learning with that person you love and are committed to, but it won’t be too late to bail if the experience is horrible!

    1. 16.1

      Any actual Data to back up your claim Lyn?

      1. 16.1.1

        Only the dogs that get hit bark Jes

  17. 17

    Many men want virgins. That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray. It might also predict a stronger chemical bond on her part, if it’s true that “the first cut is the deepest.”

    The other comment missing from the discussion is that it’s very likely not virginity by itself that is making the woman more attractive to the man in question. It’s virginity plus physical attractiveness, in an adult woman in the Western world and not of, say, a very conservative religious sect. That’s very rare – and Evan pretty well explains the appeal thereof. How would people be reacting if he had listed “beauty” in that top 4 – would that be any worse than listing “virginity”? Most men and many women in budding relationships would list it if they were being honest.

    1. 17.1
      Jenny Ravelo

      1) It obviously depends on the culture but in the western one it’s not the case UNLESS the man in very young, religious or a virgin himself.
      2) Rarity is not necessary a good thing, in many cases it’s a sign of social misfitness.
      3) Some men might find it cute, but there’s a difference between this and thinking that virginity is the most valued thing a woman can offer. When this is the case, it hints the desire of objectificacion and confidence issues.

  18. 18

    That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray.

    That is some faulty reasoning. Based on what bit of wisdom do you make this conclusion?

    All right, personal example: I was a virgin back when I started dating my ex-husband (I married very young). He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was my first partner in every kind of sex. One of the reasons I eventually left him was that I wanted to have sex with other people. I was not at peace with the idea of having sex with one and the same man for the rest of my life.

    I heard the exact same sentiment from other women as well.

  19. 19

    I agree with JuJu in post #18. I would be wary of dating virgins for that very reason. Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be sexually curious, which is what Mic’s comment seems to imply.

  20. 20

    If a virgin is religious and not very young, she probably is going to be less likely to stray (or leave). Since this is already getting away from the field of image consulting and of course prompting replies from the people who object, to stick to perceptions – if you ask a large random sample of people whether two very similar women who differ most significantly in how sexually experienced they are, most would be more surprised if the one with much less experience proved to be the less faithful one.

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