Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

If you’ve been saving yourself for marriage, you may be wondering, do guys like virgins? And if they do, do they like them for the right reasons? 

How does virginity affect your future relationships and well-being? Evan Marc Katz explores the benefits and potential pitfalls of chastity from both sides.

Dear Evan,
I really hope you can help me with this predicament.   About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship.   He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot.   I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life–just out of a relationship and just having graduated college.   On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up.   We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person.   The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin.   He said that was great and he really respects that.

It was after this conversation that he seemed to change.   He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.”   He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point.   On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me”     Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background.   I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.   I like this guy but whoa!

I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little.   When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments.   Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order:   1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated.   What am I to make of this guy?   I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.

What are your insights?   Should I end this for good?   Is he crazy?   Am I crazy?

Effei

Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?

Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?
Ready for Lasting Love?

Let’s start with the virginity thing.

I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.

Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.

Now I’ll admit — I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.

I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.

And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….

And until you have experienced that sexual bond with a few men, you really have no idea what’s out there.

It might be easy to say that you only want to save it for your one and only, but what if your one and only doesn’t please you? It’s like assuming you wanted to be a doctor for your whole life, but learning in med school that you actually hate it. People do this ALL the time. There’s no downside in doing your research. And yes, having sex with other men besides your future husband can be considered very fun research.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

Lest anyone fly off the handle, I’m not saying Effei should go screw a stranger at a bar. But maybe having sex with the first man she falls in love with BEFORE she gets married would be a decent idea. Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.

Anyway, this is really about your new guy, and I’m more concerned about him.

DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR BROKEN MAN-PICKER?

It’s a very common male psychology to exalt the untouched — to value the new car instead of the old car, etc. But that psychology plays to the age-old double standard — men are studs, women are sluts. Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree. And this guy is scrambling to climb it as fast as he can. But what happens when he takes a bite? What happens, Effei?

Neither you nor I know the answer. But I’d be pretty concerned. See, his change in tone with you made one thing very clear to me — he’s not enamored with YOU; he’s enamored with what you REPRESENT. And that’s dangerous — as dangerous as a woman liking a guy because he’s rich. Wealthy men are always on the lookout for golddiggers, with good reason — they’re often very good at masking their intentions. Your guy isn’t. The second he heard you were untouched, your value to him skyrocketed. And it shouldn’t. You’re the same woman you were the day before.

Which is my big worry.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

So while I’m tempted to tell you to dump this guy, I would urge you to continue take it slow and let him reveal his true intentions.

He IS going too fast, he DOES seem insincere, and you DON’T want to be objectified because you’re different.

Please come back and let us know how it went.

Evan

P.S. Get over the idea that men should value you for your education. It’s not that education doesn’t matter — it’s that it matters FAR LESS than the things that he DOESN’T possess himself. Like sex, for example.

DO YOU WANT TO FIX YOUR BROKEN MAN-PICKER?