If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

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Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? 🙁

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events — parties, trips, cruises — or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a dating coach?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    LS

    Hi all,

    Been through all that and more. I have been dating on the net for 4 years now. I’m 51 years old so to the girls who think it’s hard at 30-40 – think again. Although, I have had 397 dates so far and still dating. I will continue to date until I find a suitable long-term partner.
    Firstly I had to learn that dating had changed and the world I knew was a thing of the past. What I did learn was that men in essence hadn’t changed but what needed to change was my approach to them.
    These are some of the things I discovered for myself. The key indicator – “Attraction”
    And that’s on both sides. If it’s not there moving heaven and earth won’t change anything. To read profiles and e-mails more closely. Also to state my intentions clearly in my profile without being harsh. To both write and to respond to those who wrote to me. There are ways people write, that tell you all you need to know. If his looking for a woman 30 to 35 and his 55 that tells me his maturity level instantly. If sex is all he wants well guess what – next and many more.
    I will keep looking and dating until I find the one for me.

  2. 22
    singleinnewyorkcity

    Evan

    I’m just using this as an example (so don’t take this literally!!)…..Say there was a world out there made up of single Evan Katz, and three other single ladies. Everyone is hetero and looking for a relationship but there is only one Evan! 🙁 So the women start lowering their standards and doing things they ordinarily wouldn’t do to capture your attention. If that were the case wouldn’t you then change the way you acted – maybe you wouldn’t call them as often, or call them at the last minute..,etc. You even said yourself ” I agree that men can be shallow and clueless and selfish and all of the other accusations leveled at them.” But what if one day all these girls stopped calling you, pursuing you or doing whatever they did before. Wouldn’t you then change the way you acted towards them? I’m just saying that even the nicest guy can act like an ass if he feels that he doesn’t have to “work” hard to get a girl. If women had high standards and made guys work they wouldn’t act the way they do…thats all. Yes I know at the end of this little scenrio there would be two single gals…but at least they would have their dignity. Do you not agree?

  3. 23
    Sam

    “To Sam who said that 20 percent of the single men account for 80 percent of the dates, I would ask, where are the other 80 percent?”

    I do have some evidence for my theory, other than my anecdotal musings. According to this article, American men _claim_ that they have a median of 7 sex partners in a lifetime. ( “The Myth, the Math, the Sex “)

    Seven sex partners really isn’t that many, and the true median number may be slightly lower. Yet everyone knows or knows of men who sleep with 20, 30, 40 women a year. Jack Nicholson believably claims to have slept with 2,000 women.

    The number of sex partners that women have must mathematically be equal to the number of sex partners that men have, but if some men are having dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of partners, that means that many men are never or seldom ever having sex. Jack Nicholson alone accounts for the sexual careers of 285 men.

    Jack Nicholson isn’t typical, but there are lots of studs who have dozens of partners. These guys aren’t average, but they account for the majority of dating, and thus give women an inaccurate impression of how the median man behaves.

    As for where the other 80% are, I can only speak for myself, but I was online, on two niche dating sites.

  4. 25
    JB

    To Callebaut who said “there are literally thousands of age 40+ (35+?) women in this situation”
    There is an equal amount of men & women in this “situation” believe me. Where’s the data that says there’s more single women than men of any given age group ? I think I remember reading once that there’s 2.5 single women for every man. Is that for the U.S. or any given state, or planet Earth ??? Who knows ??? All I know is that everywhere I am like online dating sites,singles events, bars, restaurants etc. there’s more men than women. Except the mall ….lol there’s more women there ! 😉

    To Jen: I think the point Sam was trying to make was theoretically the other 80% wouldn’t be “dateable” to most women, or they’ve given up and stopped persuing women, or they would make you go “Ewww”, or maybe they just don’t desire to be married or especially remarried.

    I’m wondering if the top 20% women do all the dating as well ??
    I know the stats point out on most online dating websites the top percentage of attractive women obviously get the 200 or 300 responses while mid level or lower level get much fewer. So who do you think has more options ??

  5. 26
    Jen from NYC

    I wanted to comment back. First, b’shert means your soul mate in Yiddish. In fact, I wanted to share with you that I used to attend this Torah class on the Upper East Side in NYC (I am a reform-conservatie Jew who is very spiritual) and it was led each Tuesday night by a well-known orthodoz Rebbitzen (that is a Rabbi’s wife). When I was not tuning out the sermon about being Kosher or keeping the Sabbath, I did pay very close attention this Rabbi’s wife because she spoke with so much knowledge about love and relationships. Let me add she has to be in her 70’s, and one would think from another generation being religious, all together. But there I was, this late 20’s single, Jewish girl listening to words that touched my heart and have forever stayed in my head. This is what she said, repeatidly: “We have parents and friends who are always there for us and help us make some of the most important decisions in our lives. Like where to go to college, what house to buy, teaching us about manners, and how to become a respectable person. But when it comes to the one single most important decision we will ever make, chosing a signifigant other, most of us are on our own.”

    Those words never left me through all my years of dating as I realized I really was alone and that my parents, sister, and closest friends were not sitting by my side to guide me or even pull me in the other direction when it came to love. There is so much truth in those words that I believe this is another reason we feel so alone when we are singe. It is really all up to us.

    Anyway, I also wanted to comment back about the idea that woman have to eventually “settle.” You know, I always thoguht I would find the perfect guy who met ALL the criteria on my list of “THE PERFECT GUY.’ Yeah, it never happend and as I got older and dated more, I realized that it was not about settling when it comes to dating, but about “Does this guy meet most of the important criteria on my list of the man I want to make a life with?” Yes, and of couse physical and sexual attraction. There are no exceptions to that one. So, for those ladies who think that you eventually have to settle, well, yeah you do. You have to settle your mind and your heart and recognize no man on this planet will be perfect for you. There will always be one or two things that bother you or you wish you could change. Take a long hard look at yourself, because you will recognize there are some things you would like to change about you as well which makes it more accpetable to accept a man with flaws.

    My current boyfriend, whom I am pretty damn sure will be my future husband and the father of my children is so not the guy I thought I would settle down with, but he is the guy I wanted and needed to settle down with. He is handsome and humble, but I will be honest, a little dorkier than the guys I have dated in the past. He was never mister cool, but he is the coolest man I have ever known and loved. We have a wonderfuly honest relationship and we compliment each other on so many levels, but there are a few things that I know he is better with, as the same with me. It works. I didnt settle, I settled down and stopped wishing for the perfect man to rescue me and live happily ever after. I wish I could instill in every lonely and frustrated single woman that he is out there. I spent more nights than I would like to recall crying, and angry and bitter. And rightfully so. But eventually I accepted that most men were not for me, and that it was the few that could be potential that I had to keep my eyes and heart open for. You feel it. You just know when it is happening, and that is not on the first, second, or third date. It is when you get to date #22 and you dont even remember how you got there. It is all just so natural and you laugh and cry about how long it took you to meet that person, but how phenominally grateful and blessed you feel when it happens. Sometimes when love comes easy, it also goes just as easy. Nothing great is easy.

  6. 27
    Jen from NYC

    I wanted to comment back to singleinnewyorkcity. You wrote:

    “I’m just saying that even the nicest guy can act like an ass if he feels that he doesn’t have to “work” hard to get a girl. If women had high standards and made guys work they wouldn’t act the way they do…thats all.”

    Let me just laugh. Not at you because there is some truth to that, but my boyfirend tells me all of the time that when a guy likes a girl, really likes a girl, he does do all the work. When you meet the guy who is totally into you and see’s a future with you, he will call you, pursue you, and do all the things we know guys are supposed to do. Us girls are not that dumb and we know that when the guy is treating us like sloppy seconds, we are just sloppy seconds. It is the hardest thing to come to terms with and admit, but hey even I wanted a guy to like me so much I told him I was never interested in getting married when I damn well knew I wanted to be married and make a life with a man. I said it because I wanted him to like me more. I said it because I wanted him to date me and love me. Funny enough, I stopped seeign him (okay sleeping with him) and he went back to his ex-girlfriend 2x in the time we were seeing each other, got married to her, and 9 months later, anulled. Justice served, but here I was chasing this guy and letting him have his cake and eat it too, and in the end he did get married. But not to me. (Thank Gd.)

    So my point is, girls do have high standards but then they lower them because all they want is a guy to love them. In the end, it is the girl, not the guy who is the ass. Don’t you think? How can you blame these guys for getting a piece of ass when these girls are so niave to lower their standards when they know in their hearts that the guy is not really interested in something substantial? Women do not have to make a man work at getting them, when it is right, like I said above, the guy will climb mountains for you with out you having to ask.

  7. 28
    JimmyE

    To single.

    Here is the problem with your analogy. There are not three girls for every Evan Marc Katz in the real world. The ratio of guys to girls is 1:1. Even when you take into account people who are gay or choose to remain celibate, it doesn’t take a genius to realise that no sex can have the upper hand over the other.

    Of course if all women made a pact to stop doing certain things to please men, then we’d have no choice but to accept it. But equally, all men could make a pact to stop paying for dinner etc.

    1. 28.1
      Almost40Girl

      I know very few women who go on dates just to get a dinner. No one wastes that kind of time. It’s a myth.

  8. 29
    downtowngal

    JB, you’re right to call on that erroneous stat of “2.5 women for every man” – or something like that – often quoted for NYC, and by hosts of other dating blogs. I remember checking the 2000 US census figures – which breaks single (divorced, nomarried) people out by age group – it’s fairly even between genders up until age 55 or so. The more recent census doesn’t break it down by age, yet the media quotes that there are more single women than men in NYC – but this figure includes single gals in their 30’s along with widows in their 70’s.

    I hate how the media uses scare tactics to sell magazine covers . Lots of intelligent comments on this blog – keep it up!

  9. 30
    Callebaut

    There may be an equal number of men and women in the US under the age of 55 but are there an equal number of single, educated, successful professionals who are looking to date someone who is there own age between the ages of say 40 and 55? My guess is no.

  10. 31
    A beatiful woman

    A little off topic, but I hate when people write “I’ve been told I am attractive”. It makes the person seem unattractive, especially since they can’t say that they are themselves. Probably her problem, she doesn’t find herself attractive, therefore others don’t.

    Ladies, If you know you look good, say it, and mean it!

  11. 32
    downtowngal

    Women generally are not as self-promoting as men, particularly in public, so it’s understandable why she didn’t write, ‘I know I’m hot’. I don’t think it indicates that she has any type of ‘problem’.

    1. 32.1
      val

      Sigh…”i know im hot”is such an extreme phrase..your point does not hold water. If she doesnt think she is attractive, no one will.   

  12. 33
    Oldergal

    As someone who looked for over 10 years and FINALLY found the man of her dreams after age 50, I have to tell you, Evan is right – it is like a job hunt and requires a lot of work. The trouble is, it also requires a fair amount of intestinal fortitude and sometimes a thick skin to get through the process. You probably needs good friends, a good therapist and faith in some sort of divine power in order to believe that you will find a man – but he is findable and I am living proof. I am a doctor and an intellectual and brighter and more accomplished than most men. I had to have a man who was very bright and accomplished in his own right. I don’t have a perfect body and probably wouldn’t be interested in a man who was interested only in that anyway. I found an amazing research scientist who is loving, kind and a wonderful step-dad to my kids. We will marry this year and have integrated our families beautifully. It hasn’t been all wonderful – my fiance has had a heart attack and cancer in the last three years while we’ve been together, but being with him and facing life together is the most wonderful blessing ever.

    If you really want a man, it will be like finding that one-in-a-million job. You have to search – you have to interview a lot (kiss frogs who don’t turn into princes) and be willing to compromise on the unimportant things (my sweetie is 1/2″ shorter than me and chubby – some women wouldn’t give him a second look – lucky for me!!) He’s also spent a lot of time in science labs so he’s not buff and doesn’t walk as fast as he used to due to some arthritis in his knees, but can carry on conversations about a myriad of fascinating subjects, loves me and my kids wonderfully and is the more honest, decent person I’ve ever known. I could go on and on…

    Anyway, the moral of the story is, keep looking. If a guy is stupid or superficial – move on fast. If he’s “between jobs” or underemployed – keep moving too, not because you need to be supported but you need to find someone who is mature and independent. If he’s narcissistic and talks only about himself, he’s not the only guy around. If he doesn’t call, just keep moving – who knows why, but it’s not about you. However, if he’s geeky and works hard and a little overweight – look again. If he isn’t the greatest dresser or drives an older car, reconsider – he may be banking that money or paying his child support rather than spending money on depreciating assets, which is a good thing. It’s hard work to find the love of your life – but well worth the effort! By the way, why is she reading this, you might ask? I receive Evan’s newsletter since he helped me write my profile 4 years ago. I had a slow minute at the office and was checking my e-mail. Just wanted to be an inspiration to others!

  13. 34
    bren

    This is more of a generalized comment rather than to any specific post. While I understand it is in our nature to want to be loved and have that deep intimate connection with someone else that extends beyond friendship, I have to stop and ask myself why does having a man in our lives somehow make us complete? Am I not a whole, wonderful person on my own? What is it about this desire for relationships that many great, wonderful, successful kind and intelligent women think that for some reason they are less, regardless of age, just because they have never been married or found “the one”. I am by no means promoting anti-man, anti-relationship or anti-anything, but rather trying to point out that regardless of how busy your schedule is, how many friends you have, and your successful career and good looks, women are still seemingly unhappy DUE to not finding some great person to share their lives. My thought (and it is very difficult!) is that rather than viewing a man and that picture perfect marriage/relationship as what completes us (or betters us, or makes our lives better, etc) we should shift our paradigms to view men and relationships as a COMPLIMENT to our already whole selves and lives that we love. Viewing ourselves as whole and happy, and not needing a relationship to validate our being. And in this world where everyone rushes to marriage, and being 30+ to some is considered some sort of unrealistic death nail in the dating coffin, I say no! I’m not going to let the fact that just because I’m not married at a certain age, or have some fantastic relationship that it is some reflection of ME and MY being inadequate. Never. But, we are loving people and it is in our nature to seek a mate. So I say try to stop letting everyones crazy age related expectations on relationships have an affect on you and your life. Dont let all those shallow men drag you down! Because the men that are like that are going to wake up some day either unhappily married due to their shallow expectations, or single feeling regretful. Just know that even if that perfect man never comes, that you have not failed, you are great, and live your life to your best ability to be as happy as is even fathomable. Keep dating! Don’t feel desperate. Don’t feel bitter just because others less than you have seemingly found someone great. Use every and all of Evan’s suggestions. Do maximize your options, even if you feel it wont work. Don’t have crazy high unrealistic and petty standards, but don’t also have them so low that you lose self respect and end up miserable anyway. So purse dating and the one, but don’t view it as something you need, rather something to compliment your already great and fantastic self. And in the end, regardless of whether or not you found “the one” you at least found your self and made the best of what cards you were dealt!

  14. 35
    offthemarket4now

    For the 40+ set, I have read that advertising in the personals in the New York Review of Books works pretty well, plus you would be dealing with a more sophisticated pool of dating candidates (and you would not be competing on a dating site with scads of photos of women better looking or younger than yourself).

    I am 38, & have been online “dating” (okay, massively sending “icebreakers” and averaging about 1 face-to-face date a year) since age 30. I just spent this afternoon deleting all my online dating profiles. I’m not getting a decent ROI on what it costs to place these things, and for as long as my profiles have been up, I think I am falling victim to the law of diminishing returns. You can only work the personals for so long before interest and quality of contacts drops off.

    Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and don’t end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money). Also, it would follow that if you rejected someone you met online the first few weeks your profile was up, then it would seem to me that you just threw away Mr. Right or Miss Right. Keep your eyes and your mind open in the first couple of weeks after posting a profile; that is when your special someone should appear. After that, it’s just a waste of time even looking…

  15. 36
    Lynn

    Ladies, I feel your pain. But it IS possible to take action, just like Evan suggests, and this will help you feel more self-esteem, and more like YOU are the one making the choices in your life. I know because I am 40 and have had long “dry” stretches of no dating or dating men who seemed totally inappropriate. But I kept plugging away: online dating, table4-6, poetry readings, volunteering etc., and there were many minor “successes” even if I was not immediately meeting the man of my dreams. These minor successes were wide and varied: an excellent dinner in a new restaurant; a guy who became smitten with me, even though I did not return his ardor; a handsome date for the office holiday party last year; a brief affair with great sex. I truly believe that it can be fun looking for a man to fall in love with, and that it is more likely to happen if you create lots of possiblities to *choose* from. No, it is NOT easy, and it takes a loy of work, but you will certainly feel like you have more control over the situation if you create as many *choices* as you possibly can for yourself. BTW, I have been dating a great guy for about 5 months; we met on nerve.com.

  16. 37
    tiny alice

    To offthemarket, who said, ““Additionally, I notice a lot of people who meet their match online report meeting him or her only very shortly after posting a profile. Then there are others who date on and on and on for years, and don’t end up with anyone. So, I think the window of successful dating opportunity is a very short one, and keeping your profile open for longer than one month is probably not a good investment for most of us (in terms of time or money).“…

    I think it depends. I met my husband after 3 days of posting my profile, but this was the tail end of 4 years of on/off internet dating. I’d post, date a few guys, pick one to work with on a LTR, and when that didn’t work, I’d put myself back out there. My husband, OTOH, had a history a lot like yours – 6 yrs of having a profile online, infrequent face-to-face dates and was just about to take his profile down before he met me.

    So my point is that there’s no such thing as a window of opportunity. Life is random and meeting the right guy has a lot to do with luck anyway. Might as well keep that online avenue open for youself, especially since as more and more quality matches are being made online, more and more great men are looking at the internet as THE way to meet their lifelong mate.

    If they’re all getting online and you’re giving up on searching online, you won’t get to meet them.

  17. 38
    downtowngal

    The last few posts here have been very uplifting! A nice change from all of the negative vibes put out there about single women, blah blah just to sell a few books and make us gals feel as if we’re doing something wrong. I read another blog hosted by this woman who said that there’s a reason why single women over 35 are still single – this was in response to a letter from a late 30’s woman asking for advice. Ugh!

    Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.

  18. 39
    tundrafox

    Let me give you some real sound advice. I was married to a beautiful women on the outside, however I did not know her on the inside. I was with her for over 20 years and have known her for over 35 years. I was married to her for 18 years. Every man wants a beautiful woman on his arm, to show off, to be a prize and to make love to at night. I am a prize myself as other women have said. I never called my ex even as much as stupid, dumb or idiot. I never raised my hand to her or even pushed her. I taught my boys to never, ever hit a women under any circumstances, just walk away. I do not drink, go to bars, do drugs or use inapropriate language. I am clean and try to live a clean life, I believe in God, go to church on Sundays, and prayer on Wednesday nights. I believe in what goes around comes around. What am I trying to say, I will tell you. I had two beautiful boys with her, now one 15 and the other 8. After 18 years of marriage she was seeing another man so I divorced her. During the divorce the court ordered DNA tests and it turns out my older son was not my biological son, not his fault at all. After a little digging it turns out she had been seeing other men through out our marriage. Her sister inlaw said she was a slut and I was the last to know. Since the divorce, she has even refused to allow me visitation with my 8 year old son. I thought I knew her, how could I have ever made such a mistake. Eventhough, I feel it was a mistake, I found that I will never give up on my 8 year old son. She has poisened my older son who wants nothing to do with me. As for you Lauren, I don’t know you so I am not insinuating anything her. However to all women, to find out what a real man has in his heart, DON”T PUT OUT. Down deep, a real man does not place sex before love. Men will manipulate a women until she puts out and when she does for the most part he will tire of her and find a new conquest. A women is not wired to have sex before she marries. Within 6 months after she marries a man she has slept with prior to marriage, she will become depressed and feel like she has no worth and this is not right. Secondly, loyalty is above all in a relationship, if you suspect your mate is stepping out, chances are they are. Lauren, keep looking, there are a few of us out there that know and understand a women’s emotional needs, we are not abusive and manipulative. I just don’t want to share my wife with other men and want to be appriciated for being devoted and loving to her. Please don’t put yourself down by not finding someone yet, most men are jerks and they only want to get into your pants, don’t let them, number one rule. Number two, do not allow yourself to be manipulated. If what I read in your letter is true, it is not you, it is them. downtowngial said it right;

    “Bottom line – keep up the faith in yourself and the right person will come into your life. I truly belive that.”

  19. 40
    njtexsin

    Hello to everyone.

    I happened to come across this site through a yahoo link. I just felt a need to chime in.

    My Bio: I’m male/46/single never married/no children/happy/ and by no means an English Major (no need to point out my sentence structure).

    These are just my opinions and do not reflect the views of this Web Site, Professional Therapist, or any Living Person.
    This is quite lengthy and I apologize (feel free to page down and ignore me).

    My Views: [1] Remember 50% of all marriages fail. How many of the other 50% are extremely happy, just going through the motions, just for the kids, or the fear of being LONELY. Marriage is not a solution it is an enhancement to a good life. [2] Get out and meet people you may find the person of your dreams, losers, or a whole lot of good people with different skills, hobbies, political views…. The worst that could happen is you will still be single but have new friends that could help you in other needs for a Successful Life. [3] Analyze yourself first. Example: You meet the person of your dreams who is everything you wanted. Now are you bringing everything to the table that this person is looking for. He wants to go out are you ready on time? Everyone has different reactions and expectations for every situation. Both parties need to respect the others views and determine a compromise because nobody will agree all the time and nobody should get it their way all the time. [4] You don’t have to be a 10 or athlete…. to attract people. But you can’t eat junk and be inactive, then complain nobody is interested in you because of your size.

    Evan: Thank You for this site (maybe I will use your services one day) and thanks for the Ben Franklin quote (so true).

    Bren: I agree with your view Single is Not a Failure.

    Erika: Kudos your attitude and comments hit the mark. I wish you well on your quest.
    You probably would be a 9 or 10 if you would have that mole removed ( just kidding ).
    Most people are too critical on looks and faults (theirs and others).
    I remember a Willie Nelson song one of the lines was I went home @ 2 with a 10 and woke up @ 10 with a 2.

    Sam: Thanks for the analogy some took it as fact.

    Jen from NYC: Congratulations on your latest catch.
    Just a few questions that others might fall into [1] Had you ever considered dating outside your religion? [2] Being single made you feel alone. If you can’t be happy with yourself it’s hard to expect others to be happy with you. [3] I loved your definition of Settle but it goes both ways for men and women. [4] You say women should have higher standards and not lower them. What is your definition of standards [a] Morals [b] Expectations [c] Needs? [5] Men should have to work hard to get you. With that attitude you might come off as cold and unapproachable. If you are talking about jumping into the sack too quickly is another subject. I will cover that on the next person.

    Li-Anne : [1] When out with friends take the initiative and approach someone you are interested in. Like a pack of dogs, bikers, gang members, bible thumpers…. one on one if met by themselves each could be interesting. But as a group could be intimidating and create fear (of consequences, unknown, judgment….). By stepping away from the pack you might find someone but you will still have a safety net of friends to look out for you also. [2] You said the Vast Majority of men lose interest and respect for a woman that initiates the date or they think you are desperate and easy. [a] That is allot of BS. It would show me your interested in me or what I was doing when you saw me. [b] Men would expect you to have sex. Some yes but not the majority. I would not refuse sex on the first date nor would I expect it or push for it. If it happens it happens. I would not think any less of you anymore than myself. ( I would think you were easy if you were flashing people when I met you. But then it would not be a date it would be a booty call.

    Single in New York City: Who said your too picky so you lowered your standards? If they were family and friends ask them to be more specific. [1] Family you can’t change. [2] Friends like you for who you are Good or Bad. [3] Nobody knows you better just be prepared for an honest reply.

    Susan: You ask why you should approach the man. My Answer: Maybe the vibes you put out are saying you are not approachable. Maybe the single men you know feel they don’t fit your standards and you would not be interested in them. Would the girl that goes to lectures, readings…. be interested in camping, fishing, boating…. [1] Would this woman be comfortable about sharing some of these experiences. [2] Would she be content to continue doing some of her interests alone and visa-versa?
    You seem that you are Bitter that you are alone and still single. You have a full plate enjoy it and let life unfold with or without a mate (you have lived this long without a soul mate what makes you think you HAVE to have one to be happy.

    Oldergal: Congrats on your achievements and new partner. you were able to find someone only after you separated your needs from the wants. Maybe you could have found Mr. Right sooner if you didn’t have such demanding requirements. [1] Your letter sends negative vibes. You say you don’t have the perfect body and would not respect someone looking for that. But you were searching for a certain physical requirements for the man of your dreams ( now you have settled for short and chubby ). [2] You were looking for someone with the same intellect, rightness, and accomplished in his own right. You may have missed out on earlier opportunities if you didn’t have too many restrictions. Example: Take a look at these 2 groups [a] Research Scientist, Lawyer, CEO, Doctor…. [b] Carpenters, Plumbers, Mailman, Nightshift Security…. Both Groups need each other. Quote from Caddy Shack ( judge to one of the caddies ) The World need ditch diggers too. [3] Since kids are involved what do they Require (r) and Cherish (c).
    [r] Love, Attention, Food, Shelter and an Education. [c] Maybe their first bike or favorite game or toy or doll…. They also cherish school functions, scouting, crafts, sports, games, family time…. Both group a and b can provide these needs. If both parents are wrapped up in their own accomplishments their children will probably miss out on [c]. [4] You mention a Therapist. Maybe until you could be true to yourself and heal past wounds you could not achieve someone elses desires and intentions.

    My intent was not to make any individual angry or upset these opinions are about the subject and not the person.

    If they thought it or done it they are not alone others can relate.

    If I went over the line feel free to reply.

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