If I’m a Great Woman, Why Haven’t I Met Anyone Else Great?

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Wow. Where do I start? I’m 42, and have never been married, and I guess that I have been dating idiots, or men who are not even dating material for the last 10 years. People always ask me why I am still single, I get all the popular comments, like “Oh, that’s a shame, still single at your age”. It’s ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with me, I’m athletic, been told I am attractive, outgoing, and I enjoy sports, and all sorts of out door activities, and have a great circle of friends, so why after all this time have I not met anyone? My last serious relationship was back in college! I’ve dated on and off for a few months to a year, only to have things crash and burn for one reason or another. What am I doing wrong? I’ve tried the online dating, only to become seriously jaded by it all. I do have an open mind, and have even considered meeting and dating guys I normally would not. But nothing ever comes from it. Do I give up? I’m tired of friends telling me that when I least expect it, I will meet someone great, well, I have not been expecting it, and it never came. What now? 🙁

Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I’m reminded of a story that Rich Gosse, the founder of AmericanSingles, once shared with me. It was an amazing response to how he dealt with skeptical press inquiries about his new business model.

“What kind of loser (I’m paraphrasing here) would go to an online dating site to meet someone?” the press would ask.

To which Rich would reply: ‘Well, there are a number of people out there who are socially awkward. There are a number of people who are somewhat weak and needy. There are a number of people who are so desperate for companionship that they’d do anything to avoid being alone. I call these people ‘married people’.”

I thought that was a brilliant answer. After all, there’s no special skill for getting married. Buy a ring, take a vow, and you’re married. It’s why I’ve never once worried about my qualifications to give dating advice. I don’t suddenly get smarter if I propose to my girlfriend. And if she dumped me, I wouldn’t suddenly get dumber.

All of this is me saying that there’s nothing wrong with being single. …Despite the title of my second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised To Get Mad, being single is a fine state of affairs. I’ve been that way for 35 years and frankly, I’m a little anxious about getting married.

That said, most single people (including myself) DO want to get married. Which is why questions like Why You’re Still Single and “Why He Isn’t That Into Me” are supremely relevant. And since the age-old answers like “I’m picky,” “I just haven’t met the right guy,” and “Men suck” aren’t leading us to a desired conclusion, everything I write is designed to create a greater level of self-awareness in how we are complicit in our own fates.

Shining the light on myself, I’ve definitely been too picky at times. I’ve been difficult and argumentative at other times. I’ve been in dire financial and career straits at other times. Not surprisingly, now that my career as a dating coach is in order and my head is on straight, I’m more open to giving and receiving love.

So what’s your blind spot? I couldn’t tell you, but I know there’s something there that you’re not seeing. Read this post from a few months back and you’ll hear yourself, Lauren. It’s from another amazing 42-year-old woman, who can’t fathom why she hasn’t put it all together. You seem to be more self-aware, in that you’re claiming to have an open mind about dating. So that’s a start.

But I think the greatest thing keeping single people single is that they don’t truly make an effort to change things. They say they do, but they don’t really DO anything about pursuing love.

Think about dating as a job hunt. This is the core metaphor driving my first book, and a guiding principle of my friend Rachel Greenwald’s book as well. When we’re unemployed, we do everything in our power to find work. Yet when we’re single, we sort of hope things will work out. You said it yourself. “It’ll happen when I least expect it.” No! It’ll happen when you create it. So what are you doing to create it?

Are you telling your friends to set you up with single eligible guys?

Are you going to singles events — parties, trips, cruises — or at least doing activities that have single men in attendance?

Are you taking online dating as seriously as you could be?

Have you gotten a new photo?

Have you a one-of-a-kind essay?

Have you signed up for a six-month subscription on a big dating site?

Have you been searching for and initiating contact with men?

Have you been giving men second chances on dates?

Have you considered hiring a matchmaker or a dating coach?

If you’re not doing all of these things, you’re not doing enough. Yes, it’s great when the universe provides a cute, attractive, successful, intuitive, funny, kind, emotionally available man at your doorstep. But since this hasn’t happened in 42 years, what makes you think it’s gonna start now?

Listen, I don’t know you from Adam, which is why any advice I can give you is a bit scattershot. But I can tell you this:

Happiness studies have shown that happy people are the ones whose goals and actions are aligned. So if a guy is a people person, but works as a security guard by himself for eight hours a night, it should come as no surprise that he’s not all that happy.

So ask yourself: are your goals and your actions aligned?

Your goal: You want to be married.

Your actions thus far: ???

If love is truly more important than anything else in the world, maybe you should start living your life like it. Take action and change can happen. Otherwise, it’s just a lot of magical thinking.

If you want to know how to take action, you can reach me here.

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Comments:

  1. 81
    Oldergal

    As I read these posts, I hurt for so many of you because I’ve been there….but I’m not anymore.   One of the things I learned in my quest for a mate was that I have depressive tendencies and anxiety.   Those things make it hard to be the sunny, upbeat person that attracts most people initially (although they have to be able to live life’s ups and downs, too, for the relationship to be ongoing).   Getting on meds helped me a lot…..I’ve done a lot of therapy, too and it was good to sort out the dating puzzle with a good therapist who truly had my best interests at heart.   I’m grateful to be married now – I’m never really lonely anymore….I’ve gone through a lot with my husband as he’s had some major illnesses – but I’d still rather be here than alone.   I look very successful (a professional, own business, great kids) but there was a lot of shame and upset in me that led to me feeling very alone and needy at times;   it didn’t ‘show’ well….getting myself on track emotionally – which involved the meds, therapy and a big dose of spiritual belief in life – all got me to where I am today.   Not that I’m perfect nor is my husband, but if you want to be with someone, that’s a good thing…we don’t get through this life alone on any level.   So, I guess I’m saying, stay in the game and do what you must to be able to do so…I don’t mean ‘game’ in a pejorative way but finding a mate is a numbers thing….it can take a while especially when you’re older (I found my love at 50) or ‘encumbered’ with children and work (as opposed to when I was in college).   I’m glad I took the chance and kept up the search.   It wasn’t easy….and life never will be, but it’s better lived with someone you love.   Keep the faith.

  2. 82
    HonestJoe

    Hi writers,  
            I don’t usually post/write on these sites as I’m not a huge fan of the concept, but I couldn’t help but notice a similar conversation happening at my workplace today – I thought I’d give a comment or few a go.   I am a middle aged man who not only has sympathy for those angered by both genders’ transgressions, but also understands both sides of the argument.   I am also single and have not yet found the hypothetical “one for me”.   Now, I’m not going to lie and say I have dated some 35+ women, gone on dating sites, or have had one night stands.   Truth is, I have dated only a handful of times and have experienced things in my life others can’t fathom, independent to that of relationships – I would like to think that it has shaped me into someone who now possesses a unique perspective.         
          Like many of you, I too have worked hard all my life to get to where I am now, sacrificed my health, celebrations, relationships, and a myriad of other enjoyments we often take for granted until they are gone. It is also quite accurate that although I am highly independent, well-off, and stable, companionship is something that has eluded me like so many others out there.   I have many friends and colleagues who are either happily married with several children, single parents, or just single.   I can tell from many of your posts that it is painful to see others happy and experience love when it is not your own…I too wish for that feeling but like many things in life, often, they just don’t work out the way we wanted them to.   For some, love is around the corner and for others, well, it may not come fast enough.   
          I respect honest posts like “singleinnewyork” and “susan” and consequently agree on many points.   Men have many flaws…but it would be naive to think that women do not.   We live in a day and age where society has warped the entire notion, our entire culture, of what being a man really means, as well as what being a woman really means.   Not only has chivalry disappeared over night, but our newly adopted 21st century culture has destroyed our own definition of what true love is…as a result we are left “spinning our wheels”, behaving like a disoriented group of hollow primitives with new fancy gadgets.
          What Evan is trying to do is admirable as I am sure it has helped many others find their soul mates (if you believe in the colloquial movie phrase), but has it really come down to this?   Has it come down to us paying a “love consultant/relationship trainer” (modified version of HITCH the movie) 1000$’s of dollars to impart happiness in our lives (dollar amount derived from Evan’s earlier post)?   Have we lost so much hope in ourselves that we are afraid to be alone…or afraid to get hurt with someone we love by retreating inwards?   From briefly scanning through all of these “love consultant/blogger sites”, they all say the same thing: if you follow our rule book ie. buying it, or I know exactly how you feel, or you can improve on yourself by following these tips, or all my “clients” do this (someone who is sincere should not be referring to people as clients…as soon as you mention the word client…you create a power differential and automatically assume that individual knows more – I know this because I do have a MD/JD in law and a PhD in psychology).   
            The real solution to this problem is for people, both men and women to empower themselves with happiness.   If you close your eyes……….free yourself from the pressures of age/peers/rules/relationships, financial restraints or motives, your own pain and fear of loss……….you become a new person…someone who is even more special than they could have imagined themselves to be…someone who knows that the world is theirs for the taking. Now open your eyes and think about who you want to be in that moment.   It all becomes clear that we neither need dating advice from family, dating specialists, nor pressure from our own expectations to be happy.   The power to make ourselves happy is within each and every one of us.   
            I apologize if this was relatively lengthy.   I hope that I have offered a few pieces of wisdom to people reading this post.   Evan was correct about one thing…”do not lower your expectations”.   Keep your principles close to your heart (they’re there for a reason), treat those around you with respect, and who knows…if you keep an open mind you may just run into that special someone out there soon.   After all, I think of myself as a good, kind, loyal man – if I am here, there must be more for all those wonderful women out there :).   Don’t lose hope.   I haven’t.            

    1. 82.1
      Kristy

      Loved your  response..

  3. 83
    Tara

    Interesting. While I agree with using online dating as a tool to expand your options, I disagree that dating should be treated like a job. A job implies misery.

    I have always been one of those oddball women who have never had a problem getting a date, meeting decent guys, or receiving marriage proposals. The issue was always with me – my urge to run whenever a boyfriend would use the “M” word. I am now 37 and met my fiancée/the love of my life when I was 35. I am average in every possible way that you can think of, but what have always set me apart is that I didn’t care. I am introverted, so, I was extremely happy being single and didn’t want to give that up for just anyone. Focus on yourself, love your singleness, and kick desperation to the waste side. It just isn’t that serious, so what if you never get married? Look at all of the people who got married then divorced, or lose a spouse to some tragic event.

    Fall in Love with yourself first, only then can you find the most suitable partner for you.

    1. 83.1
      Log

      Tara, that’s a very interesting and informative post.

    2. 83.2
      Malcolm

      This won’t work for people . . .  who are not you.

    3. 83.3
      Scooter

      You are indeed one of the lucky ones, Tara.   But your perspective is somewhat skewed. Yes, YOU have/had no problem finding a companion throughout life, but others do. You are making marriage the issue here, when in fact for so many posting on this site, companionship and love are paramount.

      People here are hurting BADLY because they are lonely, not necessarily because they aren’t married.   In many cases, it seems these individuals are not complacent; they have tried and tried (whatever their methods), to no avail.

      They are at a point of hopelessness, and THIS is the deadly endpoint,   Without hope, life seems empty.

  4. 84
    Ron

    Well since many of the women out there are complaining that they can’t meet a good guy, that is because you’re so very sad and pathetic since many of you women are so very damn picky today. Stop looking for the RICH MEN, and start looking for many of us men that can be very faithful to just only one woman that can really make us happy. And ACCEPT us for who we really are since we’re NOT RICH like many of the other RICH MEN that you’re looking for.

  5. 85
    A

    Its no wonder there are so many single men and women in this world. Most of you are butting heads and want everything the way you want it, and with your rules, and that’s the way it is… what ever happened to compromise? Yes I am sure some men are pigs, and I am sure that some women are gold diggers, lone behold I have been with a couple of them,  but I don’t think all of them are. Some of you think that because the man doesn’t make the first step, there is something wrong with you, but your wrong. Maybe the man is to shy to come and say hello to you, or maybe he has to build up his nerve to come and talk to you, or maybe he is basing his opinion of you for the way you are looking at him.
    I just like anyone else on this planet deserve to be with someone, because I just like the rest of you dislike being lonely. But being lonely doesn’t mean to say I am a loser. I noticed quite a few of you defining men with numbers, as well as thinking men define you with numbers. Each one of you might take one look at me and define me with a number, and everyone of you will be wrong. Whether you think I am a 10 or a 1. Its because I am not a number, I am a human being with feelings. we all look through our eyes as though looking through a key hole, and we always seem to look to what all the other people are doing wrong, or be the first to judge the next person. If you think there is something wrong, maybe we should look at the way we see things. If you think negative,  you will attract the negative.
    I have I am sure many negative things about me, but that doesn’t mean I have to think in a negative way. I like to associate my life around positive things, which in return makes me feel happier inside, which makes me feel as a better person. As every person should feel good about themselves, but if it makes you feel like the better person to judge the next person about looks or who they are without getting to know them,(and in my opinion it takes more then one date to get to know someone)  then I   can’t really say I feel sorry for you.
    I think when we judge a book by its cover, its very cold, and for some of us saying we want to fall in love with that perfect partner and complaining because we can’t find them, well maybe you have found them, and maybe you have already judged them, and maybe everything you have said is brought on from how you have judged the other.
    “If there was more love in this world, it would be a happier place”

  6. 86
    Sami

    Ok, so I haven’t had the time yet to read through all of these posts (and boy there are ALOT!), but I had a realization today about dating and I wanted to share it.
    I am in my mid 20s, and have been looking for a serious relationship for a while now, but it always seems that I am not able to get past the second or third “date.” I like to think that I am attractive, athletic, fun loving, artistic, creative, so on…but no one seems to think that I am dating material.
    My “relationships” generally have the same patterns: I meet boy, boy acts very interested and boy and I go on date(s) (or hang out, or whatever it is called now a days), then boy gets bored and moves on.
    EVERY time this happens, I internalize it, thinking it was my fault that it didn’t work,  which then lowers my self esteem. And in general, I am very self conscious and insecure as it is. I also have realized that I tend to think that a man will make me happy (which is exactly the WRONG way to think).  
    My last fling just recently ended and I have been disappointed about it, so I looked to the web for answers as to why I might not be dating material. What I found was so simple but so eye opening to me: I won’t be able to find a compatible partner until I become happy and confident with myself. Maybe we all just need to become happy and confident with who we are and then we can search for someone who will add to our happiness, not create our happiness. This is much easier said than done, but I believe that it is possible for everyone and that once we find happiness with ourselves, it will be so much easier to find the right man. One of the best ideas that I found through my “research” was: you need to find a partner to complement you, not complete you. I feel like there is a desperation that many people have when it comes to finding love, and that causes an extreme amount of insecurity with oneself. I have yet to work on this for myself, but overall, this idea has made me feel better.
    I hope I am not being redundant (because I have yet to read all the posts), and I hope that this idea helps.

    1. 86.1
      Log

      Sami, The boy who get’s bored within a few dates is unlikely to ever get a life partner. It’s not you; it’s him. And trust me, there are many of them out there.
        

  7. 87
    TJ

    One other thing I do want to add, I admit I decided to try online dating one more time before I leave NYC and I did seem to find someone great, but we haven’t met in person yet and because of all my bad experiences here, I unfortunately have a negative outlook that this is not going to work in the long run (I try to stay upbeat with him on the phone and by emails, but when I’m alone, my thoughts sometimes become negative, well…because that’s what I’ve had happen to me in NYC with dating). I really do like him though and when we meet (we are meeting soon – I hope) if I can pull this off, meaning I found a great NY guy (he lives on LI, not NYC), I will be stunned and super happy at the same time! And I’ll be staying in NY!

  8. 88
    graziella

    i am reading the post about this woman and i found out we are in the same boat. I am constantly being told that being single is boring, most of my colleagues (since i do not have friends with whom i hang out because all of them found a mate) also try to make a fool of me because of this reason. Well i have also dated guys, the problem either they were into my looks or body or are idiots, most ídiot’ guys sure want a date but this date turns out only based on looks, what you can get from looks alone is only a short term relationship. before I used to think, and make others want to think , that dating because they like your body is important because it develops a deeper relationship but now i know that you can get nothing out of it, and maybe that’s why i am still single at 40 because i always dated for looks. Thank God i never got into problems like being pregnant or having an std.

  9. 89
    april

    I bet ALL these women never gave nice decent guys a chance in their early 20s (best days). Now that they’re alone they’re wondering what happened? LOL . I’m in my early 20s and all these girls overlook me, because I wasn’t born in a rich family. OH well, when my career is set in and I’m in my 30s I’m gone find someone much younger.  

  10. 90
    Linda

    I’ve dated rich and poor in my life.   I am happily married now….Evan helped me find him!   Never needed their money….make my own….in my 20’s, I was being educated so I could be self-sufficient.  I don’t know of too many women who depend on men to be taken care of….granted, I hang around with self-sustaining women, but I’d have a frank chat with Evan about what else might be going on if you think it’s all about money…..

    1. 90.1
      DaveInLA

      Women generally want a  man who makes what they do or more.   It has been a fact of life since humans evolved.

  11. 91
    Bonney

    One thing is that i’m suprised, there are single men and women out there who desperately need their match and they clain not to have found 1. I was in dating sites before, presented my interests and all necesaries, but not showing my image made me quit the game. Belive me or not, no lady showed any interest for three month until i shut off my accounts and decided to be. If singles online would understand and trust each other, we would have paved way for a none single world, but if all men are the same, or all women are the same, then there will be no hope thus creating way for lesbian conjestions.

  12. 92
    yeahright

    I see a lot of posts like this online and all I can think, as a man, is ‘If a woman looks down on all men as beneath her, can she ever find the right man?’.

    Consistently I hear about how ‘bad’ we men are. Dirty, smelly pigs, stupid, perverted and the list goes on. All coming from women. I believe it’s entirely impossible for anyone to be happy with a partner of the opposite sex when they have no respect for them. And from what I’m seeing all over the net, women don’t have much respect for men these days.

    Of course, it works both ways. Men can be the same way. Not all of us though and not all women. Thankfully. The problem is, like most of us, many women prejudge before actually getting to know the man. I get called all kinds of names by strange women who don’t even know me. Just out of the blue at social functions, out in public etc – before I’ve even said a word to anyone. They just come up to me and insult me. And yet I’m told I’m good looking and all that jazz. Yeah right. lol.

    All of us have been hurt by members of the opposite sex in some way or other. But judging someone based on their gender before you know them is sheer bigotry. If you hold that inside you then you will never be happy. Ever. And this goes for everyone, not just women who think they’re above men.

    Men are sick of being expected to be perfect to women. We are nothing close to it. And neither are women. However, many women these days think they are perfect. I suppose they picked that up from all the politically correct propaganda that’s been fed to the last few generations. People have to start thinking for themselves though. NO human being is perfect, so stop expecting it.

    Most of us men try to be the best we can. But it never seems to be enough. If you’re a woman who wants a ‘bad boy’, go get the bad boy. Don’t waste the time of decent men because you don’t know what you want. I knew what I wanted and my partner did as well. Thus, we are happy together.

    Stop living in a fantasy world – look for something real. Otherwise, play the single game and have fun.

    This is my advice based on being a 46 year old man living in the 21st century in Canada. You don’t have to like it, but it’s the truth according to my life own experiences.

    Best of luck to you..Sincerely.

    1. 92.2
      J

      Hi yeahright,

      First of all I’d like to apologize for my english because my native language is portuguese and I’m still improving my english skills. I am happy to know you got a happy ending – if I can say so…

      I can imagine how painful and frustating was for you when you met those women who insulted you. I have experienced something similar with guys – not cool :[ . I am glad to know you moved on and found someone who deserves your special attention, care and love. I think that your advice of “Stop living in a fantasy world — look for something real.” is a great hint.

      I am 24 and I have dated guys from my age to 20y older than me … What I’ve seen is that most of people look for perfection when in fact we are all humans … I always believed that one of the goals of a relationship besides of sharing a life and quaity time together, is helping each other to achieve self improvement … There is no princess and no principe charming on this planet. There are people and people change, grow, develop …

      What most people say when they want to meet a woman or man: I want she/he to be smart, intelligent, pretty, good looking, funny, etc… I mean, I think people expect too much from the others. I came across with men who told me that “was expecting for the right woman to teach them how to love”. I was like wtf … No one was born knowing anything… We are all in the same party and no one took dance classes before. It seems like most of people want someone ready to have a relationship with, and see those relationships websites as a menu, where you search for someone with the characteristics that you wish, like someone made-to-measure, when in fact it is just a tool to have a start.

      I think there are much on both sides, women and men, to be worked. I believe all these women who said that are working hard to find a men are actually doing their best. What I wonder is if they are that open minded to have a relationship with a person, a human being and not with their “ideal man”.

      Best wishes,

      J

  13. 93
    Kathy

    I kind of have the same problem but I think the reason is that we are approaching the wrong men… Evan has said it, the men that we consider dateable are like 1% of the population so its obvious we mostly are going to find wrong guys! We should be more receptable to the guys that are mature and   relationship oriented, men that know how to treat a woman, and not inmature men who still think they are in high school, thats not easy to find in our society but its not impossible if we give people the chance. Thats what im doing now, im not looking at pretty faces anymore because guys that are good looking tend to be the wrong guys, im looking at their personalities and now im getting to know as a friend a overweight man, he is not my type but he is very nice, fun and serious about relationships so i decided to start as a companionship thing and see if something develops from there.   Good luck wtih your search!

    1. 93.1
      Malcolm

      Good for you.

  14. 94
    Talan

    I don’t want a smart independent woman.   I want a woman I don’t have to fight who wants to be my companion.
    In today’s day, woman have far more of an advantage in getting a career and sticking with it.   They have also have a much easier time actually getting a relationship.
    If your as strong and independent as you claim, then you should go out and seek and find a man (or woman) that compliments you, not go on and complain about why you can’t.   You “CAN” if you try, maybe you should lower your standards a bit?   If you want to me a man then try filling your shoes with what they have to deal with, like seeking a partner.

  15. 95
    Brendan

    I’m 22 and I’m already tired of women in the USA.   I don’t even try to look at them or speak to them anymore.   I will never date them.
    Reasons: extremely unreasonable expectations for partners: they say one thing and expect you to do another (shit tests), drama, not giving a shit about their appearance/health, no life skills.   The thing that really bugs me is that they think they are entitled to special treatment without having to give anything in return.   Reciprocal altruism is the basis of all relationships, yet women in the USA have a special dorogatory name for men who expect reciprocity–“nice guys.”   That is not normal.   It is very, very sick.
    I am an engineering student and I have never met a woman my own age in the states who was as good at math as I am.   I studied a year in Germany and met half a dozen of them.   Math isn’t really a big thing in a relationship, but it is nice if a woman is intelligent and educated so that you can have conversations with her.   American women are unbearably vapid.
    I’ve looked at a website where women from eastern Europe try to get male partners from the USA.   A totally average looking woman on that website would be stunningly beautiful if she were brought to the states.   My experience in Europe also makes me think that American women must be unique in their stupidity and viciousness.
    There marriage system is stacked against men in the west.   Half of all marriages n the USA end in divorce, and 70% of those are initiated by women.   So I have a 35% chance of losing my house, my children, and most of my future income if I marry a woman in the States.   I will never do it.   
    There are articles where women ask, “Where have all the good men gone?”   If you’re asking that question, then the answer is that they are avoiding you, and they are never coming back.

    1. 95.1
      LearningTheSecrets

      @ Brendan 95

      I like what you have to say. I little bit harsh and some generalization of US women, but in the end it’s the impression you personally felt whether it’s true of all US women or not. I think that’s the important point here, that the bitterness and impressions felt makes one feel a certain way about men and women because that’s what they personally encounters time and time again.

      About marriage, I feel the same way as you but can also see the other perspective. Statistically, marriage does not seem very promising, but on the other hand I don’t think it’s fair either to already view it so negative and doomed to fail before it even happens. No one would probably get married then if they knew ahead of time some way, that it was going to end in divorce.

  16. 96
    SparklingEmerald

    TJ @ 2.1

    I feel saddened that dating, mating & relating comes down to a person’s number (well not entirely, but to get things started, numbers are everything) but it is true.

    This is my unscientific observation. Men who are 9-10’s, have dropped out of marriage. Because they can. There is no social stigma for a man to not be married, and the nookie sampler platter is being freely passed around for men who are 9’s and 10’s. So why would a 9 or 10 marry, if he can bang lot’s of hot women any night of the week ? Maybe when he’s in his late 40’s and wants a kid, he will find a sweet young thing to breed with. So a really hot 30 year old woman might be able to marry, IF she’s willing to take on an aging player who’s probably still pretty hot, and she won’t mind if he probably will cheat on her eventually, once she’s done hatching his kids for him.

    However, women who are 9 & 10’s still want to get married. They probably start off going for 9 & 10’s, but after getting humped & dumped a few times, might start settling for the 7 & 8s’. 7 & *’s are still attractive, so it’s not that big of a sacrifice.

    So women, are most likely going to have to get involved with a man who’s 2 point lower. So if you’re already kind of average or semi-cute (like me, I consider myself 6-7, depending on the day) going 2 points lower means plain or homely. Believe me, I WISH this attraction thing wasn’t so darn shallow, I WISH I could force myself to feel something for a 5 or a 4 or lower, but I can’t. I’ve tried, and I just end up making the guys feel like crap. I wish I could fall in LOVE based SOLEY on character and kindness, and while I WON’T have a relationship without those things, I have to have some degree of attraction as well.

    If everyone would just stay in their league, dating, mating & relating might work out much better. But since 9 & 10’s have dropped out on the male side, and not the female side, the whole game is skewed. And yes, it IS a game and it IS skewed.

    That coupled with the fact that there is a stigma to being a single woman, but not a single man, makes it even worse.

    I would love to fall in love with a nice 6 or 7, but they are going after 8’s.

    And I don’t want to couple up with a 4, and then end up being one of EMK’s letter writers, writing in and saying , ” I married a guy and just now noticed that I don’t like his face. Now we never make love and are starting to argue about it. ”

    We women are encourage to “give guys a chance” when we aren’t attracted to them. (Men are NEVER told to do this, because men are “visual”. ) Women do men no favors when they do this. Sooner or later the truth comes out.

    1. 96.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re discounting the tradeoffs that men make and refuse to make tradeoffs yourself. So you can go for a guy who is an 8, but then have to accept that he might not be as smart, well-traveled, organized or spiritual. That’s what men do all the time: date women who are sweet and attractive because they make us feel good, instead of looking for someone who is “better”. If physical attraction is that important to you – no one is arguing – what else are you willing to trade off on?

    2. 96.2
      H

      I’ve read all your comments here, Sparkling Emerald, and I just want to say I am rooting for you. In many things – certainly in your self-respecting attitude – you remind me of myself. I would NEVER tell you (or any friend of mine – or even foe of mine, if I had any) to settle for anyone you don’t feel attracted to. (Speaking for myself, I cannot imagine what’s even the point of a relationship without huge physical attraction.)
      Nothing IS better – much better – than settling for   just anything.
        
        

  17. 97
    SparklingEmerald

    Evan, Why did you say I could go for an 8 ? I did not say I wanted an 8, I said I would love to fall in love with a 6 or 7. They don’t want me. They are chasing after 8s.

    It’s not that physical attraction is “that important to me”, but it is an ESSENTIAL ingredient to a relationship. I’ve said it over and over, I do not want a tidal wave of attraction, but I have to feel SOME attraction.

    Read the letter that a LW name Maya wrote to you, that she didn’t notice that she didn’t like her husbands FACE. There are a few letters to you from women to you that are in relationships with men they aren’t attracted to. There is no trade off in the world that could make a relationship with no sexual attraction satisfying. It’s tragic for the person who was “settled for”. No man would settle for a woman who he didn’t feel attracted to, and I don’t blame them. So why should we women do that ?

    I don’t require gobs of money, movie star good looks, a particular level of education, or a particular type of career. All I ask for is to feel attracted and to be treated well. (and I don’t need a guy to be tall, dark & a hot 10) Which one of those am I suppose to trade off ? To be treated like crap by a guy I’m attracted to, or settle for a nice guy who makes me cringe in the bedroom ?

    I am puzzled as to why you seem to think I want a rich, rock star when I don’t. Just a regular guy that I’m attracted to, who treats me well and who is into me.

    I can’t even seem to get short and/or average looking guys that I like to fall for me.

    1. 97.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Respectfully, SE, I think you are representative of that OKCupid study that showed that women think 80% of men are below average. Men, for all their flaws, have a more realistic distribution of what they find attractive. They may cast their lot with 10’s but if you look around, there are LOTS of perfectly average couples out there. The fact that you think your experience or dating pool is any worse than anybody else’s is the story here.

      1. 97.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        EMK@97.1

        I read and commented on that article, and the men they showed that were voted “below average” I thought were pretty cute. I even gave my commentary in that article. Go ahead & search the article if you don’t believe me. I find a lot of men attractive, even men other women find too quirky. In fact, I thought many of those women must be nuts to vote those guys “below average”, and I really questioned how they gathered that info, and the accuracy of it.

        I don’t think my dating story is any worse than anyone else in my age group, but it is a lot worse than it was in my younger days. In my younger days I would say that I was attracted to about 80% of the men who approached me. Now so few men approach me to begin with, and of those who do, I can only muster up attraction for a tiny portion of them. When I look out in the sea of available age appropriate men, I see a large percentage of men who are attractive enough, but the ones I think are cute don’t approach me, and the ones I fee ZERO attraction for do.

        I don’t think men are to “blame” for any of this, if he’s not attracted to me, I would rather he didn’t approach, but I’m throwing in the towel because the only option left for me, are guys I’m not attracted to. Or one night stands and booty calls with the guys I am. Dating at 50+ is a crap shoot. I think I look good “for my age”, but unfortunately considering my age, that doesn’t count for much.

        But I do think that the large percentage of really good looking guys dropping out of committed relationships, has skewed everything. I don’t want a super hot 10, but someone who’s kinda cute would be nice.

        I don’t want to be like Maya, or any of the other girls who write to you and say they are involved with a man they aren’t attracted to because he was “so nice” to them. But that they can’t stand his face. How Yucky and How Cruel.

        Seriously, when a 400 pound hair farmer, with a shirtless selfie in his 2 line profile sends me a wink or “You’re Hot” e-mail, I’m supposed to give him a chance ? No thank you.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          There you go with your black and white thinking again. Show me the post where I told you to go out with a 400 pound hair farmer and I’ll concede your point. Dating at 50+ is just called “dating.” Lots of my clients have success at it; which is why I’m unmoved by your consistent negativity about it. I care about you and want you to have love; I just don’t see what there is to say to you that would get you to become a glass half-full woman.

        2. SparklingEmerald

          Why don’t you show ME, where I said I only go for 8, 9 & now “cast my lots for 10’s” ?

          Why don’t you pull up the blog on the OKC study, which showed pics of men who were supposedly ranked low by women, and I commented and said I thought all but one of those guys were cute ?

          Why do you and your brother from another mother Karl keep insisting that I want a tall, dark and handsome superstar, when I have never said anything to suggest that, and in fact have consistently said, just a nice average kinda cute person THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO, who treated me well is ALL I need.

          I think you and your side kick like to throw out these false accusations because it fits YOUR narrative that women who aren’t coupled up is because they are “too picky”. (or too ugly)

          I get rejected by these average Joes’. I don’t ever reach out to guys out of my league. I get rejected by the supposedly most love-lorn men in America, short men.

          My inbox, mostly 400 pound hair farmers, or college kids cougar hunting or men old enough to be my dad. Or men looking for a nurse or a purse. And it’s not even e-mails, just winks and likes. I did better with my home made profile and my “separated” status. I thought a professional profile, photos and a DIVORCE would improve my responses, and they have gone down the drain.

          When I finally meet a man that doesn’t make me cringe at the thought of him putting his arm around me even, he either flat out rejects me, or only wants a one night stand.

          My glass isn’t half empty or half full, it’s cracked and doesn’t even hold water any more.

          I felt positive and hopeful for about 2 years and NOTHING.

          So much for positive thinking.

          You said . . .
          “I care about you and want you to have love”

          Thanks, I do appreciate that, but game is over for me. There just aren’t enough men to go around. Due to their shorter life span, and a smaller percentage of men wanting a real relationship vs the percentage of women who want a real relationship, there’s just not enough to go around. It’s like a game of musical chairs, only instead of there being ONE less chair than people, it’s more like FIVE less chairs. Not everyone gets taken.

  18. 98
    SparklingEmerald

    Steve55@70*** – At the time of this letter, she had been with him nearly a year. Her tragic lack of attraction for him is becoming more and more apparent. Giving it more time will just bring more heartache to them both.

    While I DO think the real victim in this scenario is the “settled” for husband, I can actually understand how a woman can get caught up in a relationship with a guy based on how nice he is to her, while disregarding her own lack of attraction.

    There IS societal pressure on women to give “nice guys” a chance. There IS a social stigma for women to still be single after a “certain age”. (Sometime after 30 women are considered “expired” if not married)

    If a woman is uncoupled and unhappy about it, there is a chorus of societal voices saying that SHE is somehow defective, and if said lonely woman ever admits that SHE turned down a guy for lack of chemistry, then she is basically told to sit down and shut up, because –hey, she had a nice guy interested in her, and she turned him away. We’re not allowed to have a “laundry list” of qualities, (even if the that “list” has 2 reasonable qualities) and apparently, OUR lack of attraction isn’t an issue in relationships, we are just supposed to accept any guy who is into us, and disregard our own lack of attraction.

    Also, if the mileage on a woman’s odometer is creeping up, (IOW, her number is getting to high) she may feel pressured to marry the guy who wants to marry her now in hopes that she will “learn to love him”, rather than take a chance that the next guy SHE feels it for will turn her down for having to high of a number.

    I have been in her shoes minus the marriage a few times. Lonely, wanting to be in a relationship, a “nice guy” comes along and treats me well, wants to pursue a relationship with me. So I “give him a chance”, and then my attraction doesn’t grow, while his does . . . It feels really awful to break things off after a few dates under those circumstances. I can’t IMAGINE how awful it must feel to marry under those circumstances, and to be cringing at his touch.

    I could understand how Maya found herself in a brief relationship under these circumstances, but to MARRY under them ?

    All she can do now, is to set this man free to find a woman who will truly love him. Giving it more time is only cruel.

    Once she gives him his freedom, he may find a wonderful woman who loves him back OR, he may be a bitter man who feels like he was played for a fool, and he may just go out on a revenge mission against women and tries to hurt as many women as he can.

    1. 98.1
      Malcolm

      Maybe your standards for attractiveness can’t be changed . . . or maybe they can.
      Here’s a first clue about it.   Can you definitely and clearly say what is happening to you internally  when you find someone attractive (?)  
      Can you say (?)   Do you know (?)

      1. 98.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Malcom at 98.1   – I’m not sure what you are getting at with your question, but I suspect it is more an agenda than a question.
        Most people know if they are attracted to or not, weather they understand the internal mechanics of it or not.   My understanding of sexual attraction is that there is a brain chemistry response, and then there are other physical responses that happen south of the brain.   Attraction is NOT a choice, weather or not we choose to act on it IS a choice.   When I find myself attracted to someone who isn’t a good match, hard as it may be, I walk away.   If I meet a guy I feel ZERO attraction to or am repulsed by, I wish him well on his search.   Believe me, I’ve TRIED to “give a guy a chance” to see if attraction grows, but no matter how “nice” he is, zero attraction means nothing happening internally that we call attraction.   If there is a little glimmer of attraction, I’ll give it a chance, but if it’s zero attraction, it’s a no go.   For 2 reasons.   One reason is because I HATE that feeling of a guy trying to get touchy-feely-cozy with me, when I’m not feeling it back for him.   The other reason is because I don’t like to play games with other people’s emotions.   I know toying with other people’s hearts has become a national past time,   with the players and spectators routing for their “team”, with their team being their gender, but I don’t want to play that game, and I don’t want to be a cheerleader on the sidelines saying “You go girl” when women play men to get the restaurant tour or boost their egos.    
        Right now, I am in a very, very new relationship with someone I met after I threw in the towel and said “screw it, I give up”.   I did not have to talk myself into feeling attracted to him.   The feeling seems to be mutual.   I don’t have to nudge him to make plans with me and I don’t have to force myself to give him a chance.   I know there is a lot of advice out there * telling women to settle for men they aren’t attracted under the theory that women can “learn to love” someone.   Well, I   don’t buy it.   Yes, a little seed of attraction can grow, if nurtured, but zero attraction or downright repulsion is a no go.    
        By advice out there*, I am not talking about EMK, ok folks ?  

        1. Malcolm

          Well, let me offer you (a part of) my experience (which may or may not be useful or relevant to you, of course).  
          On the fly in everyday life, I sometimes notice that  I’m having  a  “she’s attractive” response to a Woman.    By that time, the underlying process (whatever it is)  has already happened — it was  instantaneous and below my level of awareness.
          Then . . . I stop and  ask myself “Why (?)”   I never actually get an answer —  that’s not the point.
          Instead, what invariably happens is that I consciously and intentionally LOOK  at the Woman for a moment or two. And 90% of the time, that initial experience of attraction recedes dramatically. It’s pretty interesting  . . . and I’m inclined to think it’s also  important and useful.
          Best regards . . .
            

    2. 98.2
      TJ

      @98 As someone married to a woman who does not and really never has found me attractive, I can not even begin to agree with you enough on how important it is for the woman to be attracted to her partner ( and vice versa of course). The hurt and pain I feel makes me so utterly sad and completely lonely. Now, as you’ve stated here is common, I’m a man that knows I married over my “number”. I did have several options then, and clearly she was the highest number. The others were perfectly fine and attractive to me as well, just not as much.

      Your being honest with yourself is refreshing to me. What is , IS. I married someone who is still not honest with herself, and the price I’ve paid in lost happiness is hefty. I’ve clearly grown and developed other values as I’ve grown older (45 now), and I desperately wish I could have had that maturity when I was younger making decisons that have permanent effects. What I know, is that I would ABSOLUTELY seek partners more of my “number” or below as mutual attraction is much more valuable than just me being attracted to her, and frankly to me, average is more attractive now having experienced ao much pain. Further, I’ve learned that generally higher “number” people often lack the basic element of humility and kindness toward others. It seems you exist to serve them, as they’ve always gotten so much attention that they can do whatever they want.

      I wish you luck in whatever your next step is, but learn from my wasted life with someone who is not attracted to me, you are right.

  19. 99
    sm3233

    I only found the patience to read a few posts and even after several glasses (which to most Irish woman equates to several bottles… _ and that is a loose joke) of wine I must wonder and ponder about my own relationship(s) _ I use that loosely because we build one relationship from another wither it be family, friends, ex’s or another variable. I am a recently 35 year young woman, I become frustrated because I look like I’m about 26ish (depending on lighting, mood of your day, and number of cocktails… that magically intertwined with a desperate falsity and a wishful thinking outcome the transformation between wanting to be a wholesome individual and a sexy pre cougar … well even I’m confused) but where does one go to meet someone of adequate measure. Trust me I don’t even mean meeting your “soul mate” but dam being single is no disease, and while it may have been wonderful at one time (and I do mean the single part) how about now?!!!
      

  20. 100
    Suzanne

    Hello Singles
    I am hearing a lot of anger so please relax.   Now swallow this.   I a 55 and matried twice. I have 2 grown kids.    I go out a lot . A lot of men (not all) want me.   Men from 30 to 65.   So stop being all that.   Be sweet . Be sexy ( your own brand ).   Cook a great meal and be a great lover.    Men want attention , food and sex.    They are simple creatures.    Good luck ladies.   

      

    1. 100.1
      J

      Thank you Suzzane 😀

    2. 100.2
      Malcolm

      Karma to be like you are.   Karma not to be.

    3. 100.3
      Lisa

      simple is an understatement… you’re right …that’s what i love about men period ..is simplicity …the leg work is just exhausting at my age…..food , sex and great attention…that part is not hard …its egos that come with it.
        

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