As a teenager, I bought into the whole religious reasons thing to not have sex. Early in college, I considered having sex with my long term boyfriend at the time; however, this relationship abruptly turned abusive and crashed and burned, which made me grateful I’d hesitated.
But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?).
It’s been occurring to me lately that maybe it’s due to the fact that I still haven’t had and am reluctant to have sex. Is this something guys can just read off of me? Is it a turn off? Could this maybe even explain why I have such an abysmal time dating?
I’m sorry that religion impacted your view of sex. I’m sorry that your abusive relationship soured you further. Your reaction to those situations is somewhat normal — if you view sex as problematic, your defense mechanism protects you from men and sex. It also protects you from men and love.
Understand, men look for sex in the process of looking for love. A guy can decide if he’s open to sleeping with you in 2 seconds; he’ll probably take closer to a month to figure out if he wants to be your boyfriend and a few years to figure out if he wants to be your husband. This is normal, too, not behavior to be judged or shamed.
“You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.”
You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.
The problems arise when your methodology is counterproductive to your long-term goals.
There are the sexually liberated women who have sex with men and are disappointed when sex doesn’t lead to a relationship. Advice: stop having sex with men who aren’t your boyfriend.
Your situation is the opposite. You’ve desexualized yourself to the point that you’re in the permanent friend zone and you’re wondering why you’re not in a relationship. Advice: stop treating sex as if it’s this big, scary thing, when, in fact, it’s highly popular and pleasurable to billions of unmarried women.
Essentially, I will almost always take the moderate position. Not what works for women. Not what works with men. The only way advice works is if BOTH genders are satisfied with it.
By enjoying foreplay and leading men around the bases for a few weeks, you’ll get a much better idea as to whether a man is boyfriend material, you’ll give him a measure of sexual satisfaction and progress, and you’ll buy him time to figure out if he is just trying to get laid or if he wants to commit to you — without any pressure.
He’ll enjoy the dating process more. You’ll enjoy the dating process more. And when it’s time for you to finally lose your virginity, you’ll do so with a man who is your boyfriend and will be there for you the next day and the day after that. This doesn’t guarantee a future, of course. The chances you marry your “first” remain pretty slim. But at least you stand a very small chance of getting ghosted by the first man you slept with, and you can set a new precedent for yourself to enjoy sex within committed relationships instead of saving yourself for marriage.
Please make sure you click on the 8 Massive Mistakes button below to learn more about how you can get the relationship you deserve — without fundamentally changing who you are.