Am I Single Because I Won’t Have Sex?

Am I Single Because I Won't Have Sex
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As a teenager, I bought into the whole religious reasons thing to not have sex. Early in college, I considered having sex with my long term boyfriend at the time; however, this relationship abruptly turned abusive and crashed and burned, which made me grateful I’d hesitated.

But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?).

It’s been occurring to me lately that maybe it’s due to the fact that I still haven’t had and am reluctant to have sex. Is this something guys can just read off of me? Is it a turn off? Could this maybe even explain why I have such an abysmal time dating?

Krissy

I’m sorry that religion impacted your view of sex. I’m sorry that your abusive relationship soured you further. Your reaction to those situations is somewhat normal — if you view sex as problematic, your defense mechanism protects you from men and sex. It also protects you from men and love.

Understand, men look for sex in the process of looking for love. A guy can decide if he’s open to sleeping with you in 2 seconds; he’ll probably take closer to a month to figure out if he wants to be your boyfriend and a few years to figure out if he wants to be your husband. This is normal, too, not behavior to be judged or shamed.

I’ve answered a number of questions from virgins over the years and I’ve always tried to be consistent — even though sometimes I’ve been less than tactful.

“You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.”

You can sleep with (or not sleep with) whomever you want, whenever you want, however you want, as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.

The problems arise when your methodology is counterproductive to your long-term goals.

There are the sexually liberated women who have sex with men and are disappointed when sex doesn’t lead to a relationship. Advice: stop having sex with men who aren’t your boyfriend.

Your situation is the opposite. You’ve desexualized yourself to the point that you’re in the permanent friend zone and you’re wondering why you’re not in a relationship. Advice: stop treating sex as if it’s this big, scary thing, when, in fact, it’s highly popular and pleasurable to billions of unmarried women.

Essentially, I will almost always take the moderate position. Not what works for women. Not what works with men. The only way advice works is if BOTH genders are satisfied with it.

By enjoying foreplay and leading men around the bases for a few weeks, you’ll get a much better idea as to whether a man is boyfriend material, you’ll give him a measure of sexual satisfaction and progress, and you’ll buy him time to figure out if he is just trying to get laid or if he wants to commit to you — without any pressure.

He’ll enjoy the dating process more. You’ll enjoy the dating process more. And when it’s time for you to finally lose your virginity, you’ll do so with a man who is your boyfriend and will be there for you the next day and the day after that. This doesn’t guarantee a future, of course. The chances you marry your “first” remain pretty slim. But at least you stand a very small chance of getting ghosted by the first man you slept with, and you can set a new precedent for yourself to enjoy sex within committed relationships instead of saving yourself for marriage.

Please make sure you click on the 8 Massive Mistakes button below to learn more about how you can get the relationship you deserve — without fundamentally changing who you are.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Jenn

    Krissy,

    I hear ya, girl! I’m an older virgin myself who is actually waiting for marriage (not because of my religion, but my religion reaffirms my view) .

     Dating is tough whether you’re a virgin or not. There is especially a certain anxiety that comes with being an older virgin who’s trying to find The One (or at least The One for Now). You worry about what the guy you really like will think. Will he think I’m weird? Will he be turned off by my virginity (and my decision to wait)? Or conversely, will he be turned ON by it and date me for no other purpose than to bag an older virgin, that rarest of trophies?

    A lot of guys will be shocked by the revelation that there is an adult woman on this planet who managed to somehow narrowly avoid the supposedly ample number of proffered peckers aimed at her as she has navigated her entire adult life. What they don’t know is that it’s actually very easy for a woman to not have sex. If you don’t have many friends who can set you up, if you never go out to bars and nightclubs, and you work in a place that’s staffed by about 95% women, it’s not at all difficult to stay away from sex. 

    You don’t mention a lot of details about your situation, so I can only guess that you are actively trying to date, but I have some advice for you. First, your best bet is to let men pursue you. Don’t try to take the lead and initiate things, because the right guy will not need any help from you if he wants to date you.

    Next, how are your looks? Do you need to lose some weight? How about your wardrobe? Are you dressing a little too casually? Maybe vamp it up a bit. Guys like it when women wear fitted dresses and heels. Big gold hoops, beautiful long hair, tastefully done makeup and nice (not cloying!) perfume go a long way toward making guys take notice.

    Lastly, whether you wait until marriage or not is your choice. You are in control of that and you have to be comfortable with whatever choice you make if you ever expect a man to accept it. It sounds like you don’t quite know yourself and what you really want.

    Take the time to figure out what’s really holding you back from having sex. If it’s because you really do want to wait for marriage, great! But if you just want to make sure the guy is the real deal before you give it up, then let him know. It’s up to you to pace the relationship because most guys won’t. If you just want to take things slow for a while then do it. Don’t put yourself in situations where you know you’ll be alone with him in private before you’re ready. And let him bring up the sex talk first.

    Most guys are on a pretty quick timetable but some aren’t. You don’t want to preemptively strike him down only to find out he wasn’t planning to make a play for months. Some guys can last that long, even with a high sex drive, if they’re really looking to settle down. If they think they’ve found the right girl, they’ll wait. But putting up a Stop sign without any prompting from him at all could make you look like you have issues about sex.

    Tell the guy you’re dating that you really like him but you need time. If he presses you, he’s probably not going to stick around much longer even if you do give yourself to him (in which case, good riddance). If he really likes you, he’s not going to want to screw up a good thing by scaring you off.

    Above all, don’t be ashamed of your virginity, be proud of it. And don’t be afraid to let love in.

  2. 2
    No Name To Give

    Looks like some responses drew some anger.

  3. 3
    Olivia

    It wouldn’t have been a problem many years ago but since women started sleeping around casually now men expect it. Men also don’t want to put effort in dating and they are still getting rewarded by getting sex for swiping and sending a few texts.

    I dated this one guy that told me if sex was better he would’ve already married me. I refuse to do do bjs and anal. The man that actually marries me (doubt it will ever happen) deserves to have me in my entirety, my all. Going forward I’m not sleeping with men, period. Sex will not get you through hard times that could be money related. Sex will not keep him from cheating. Guys will pressure you over and over with most likely nothing in return.

    The article claims you’ve ‘desexualized yourself’. Maybe the letter wasn’t printed in it’s entirety because you never stated you were against kissing, that’s being more than just friends and we all know kissing turns a man on so that can’t be ‘desexualizing’. Being a virgin doesn’t mean you dress modestly so I won’t assume that either.

  4. 4
    Jaycee

    Remember that STDs can be transmitted by touching others then yourself! Highly doubt most women ask men they date for verifiable STD exam outcome (most men print false paperwork claiming STD free) when doing anything sexually related (too embarrasses to question them but quick to jump in bed with a stranger or unknown sexual history).

     

    You Might Have an STD and Not Even Know It

  5. 5
    Chis

    I think there were some server problems which deleted old messages. Anyhow, men used to be more willing to wait until marriage for sex, true. But then again it used to be culturally accepted that it was a woman’s duty to have sex with her husband even if she wasn’t quite feeling it. This notion of sex as marital duty has largely fallen by the wayside though, so this is one reason why people want to make sure there’s a degree of sexual compatibility before marriage.

    And I don’t think Krissy’s reluctance to have sex is the main problem here. She probably needs to socialize and date more. But it does sound like she has some hang ups about sex. Waiting until marriage can be a good idea, but nothing magically changes on your wedding night. Whatever hang ups and insecurities and sex drive problems you had before marriage will persist into marriage. She will have to work at maintaining a healthy sex life with her future husband, and not just assume everything will fall into place.

  6. 6
    Emily, to

    This is just my 2 cents, but I was a late bloomer myself, and sex is built up in your mind as some BIG THING the longer you wait. And that’s a tremendous amount of pressure to put on yourself, a guy you are dating and a budding relationship. That’s a responsibility I personally wouldn’t want if the roles were reversed and the man was a virgin.
    I’d recommend finding a friend you trust but don’t have romantic feelings for and propose that you two have a nice night (and be honest about your situation and what you want and see if he’s amenable). So then, down the road, when you do meet a man you really like, you will feel a lot more relaxed about the whole thing.

  7. 7
    Jenn

    Sex is a big deal though, especially for women. I am in the opposite camp where I believe that sharing yourself that intimately with someone should be taken seriously. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just throw away what could be a very special gift for a special person. Sex has always been more than physical and that’s how it was meant to be.

    Where I agree with you is in not building it up so much in your mind that you wind up severely disappointed when you finally do start having sex and it turns out not to be fireworks right after you first start doing it. There are lots of stories of couples who waited until their wedding night, for instance, only to be utterly disappointed that it was not the grand slam event they thought it would be.

    It takes time to get into a groove and to figure out how to please the other person. That’s where the love part comes in though. You communicate, you adjust, you compromise. If you already have a solid relationship that’s built on doing those things, there shouldn’t be a giant hurdle to a great sex life together.

    It’s important to be realistic and to not idealize sex too much, so I agree completely on that point.

    On the flip side, it’s also important that when a person does find great sex with someone, that they don’t let that be the basis for staying in a bad relationship. That’s part of why I advocate waiting for marriage. Sex, outside of marriage, makes you stupid. It can compel you to stay with incompatible people far longer than you should, and it can cloud your judgement for the worse over who to choose a relationship with.

    Inside marriage, sex still makes you stupid but it’s okay because it’s designed that way. It makes you forget all the things your spouse does that drive you so flippin’ CRAZY! By the way, that’s not me saying that, that’s from Pastor Mark Gungor, who is amazingly funny and I highly recommend watching his seminars on YouTube.

    Bottom line: I think it’s good to treat sex like it’s a big deal but don’t put it up on a pedestal. It’s a fine line to walk but it’s not impossible.

  8. 8
    Emily, to

    Jen wrote: “If you already have a solid relationship that’s built on doing those things, there shouldn’t be a giant hurdle to a great sex life together.
    I disagree. Sometimes you’re just not sexually compatible. Just because there’s love does not mean the sex is great or even good. And, of course, the opposite of that is true: Just because there’s great sex doesn’t mean there’s love. Ideally, you get both with one person, but love and sex are two separate things. One does not imply the other.

  9. 9
    Adrian

    Hi Emily,

    As a fellow late bloomer I agree with you that waiting to long for sex (while watching any form of media where it’s presented as the pinnacle of pleasure) warps your expectations. No matter how good your partner is they can’t live up to your fantasies and hollywood.

    Anyway do you think it would be different for older virgins (40+) than it is for a 18-25 year old virgin’s first time? Most people that I know who long-term dated/married their first from when they were teens ALWAYS got that itch/desire to see what else was out there after only knowing one person sexually for 10+ years. Maybe an older person would not suffer from this same consequence?

    I’m not sure I agree completely about the sexual compatibility being a problem since both will be virgins I doubt they will know what good or bad sex is, and if the non-virgin decides to marry a virgin then surely they will know before going in that the sex probably won’t be that good.

    So to me the only problems will be having the self control to be satisfied with one person sexaully for the rest of their life… and if they were a heavy porn user/masturbater, they may suffer from lack of arousal since a real man/woman can’t excite you like a porn model who you can search for your ideal face & body and search for them acting out things that your real partner may refuse to do. I can see the longer a person waits/older a person is, the more they may rely on porn to satisfy them sexually and this will cause problems when a real person enters the equation (once read about a woman who used a vibrator so long and frequently that when she got a boyfriend she felt bored/numb with him sexually).

    I can see it being a huge adjustment from being able to click on their ideal sexual fantasy to having to ask a person, convince that person, and then accept the things that person will not do.

  10. 10
    Emily, to

    Hi Adrian,
    “Most people that I know who long-term dated/married their first from when they were teens ALWAYS got that itch/desire to see what else was out there after only knowing one person sexually for 10+ years.”
    I’ve had the opposite experience. I assuming you’re talking to men. 🙂 I know 2 women who’ve been with one man their entire lives and neither seems particularly interested in what else is out there.

    “I’m not sure I agree completely about the sexual compatibility being a problem since both will be virgins I doubt they will know what good or bad sex is … ”
    Totally disagree. I knew with the first guy the sex was underwhelming even though I’d never done it before. We hooked up for several weeks after the initial encounter and it stayed at the same level. It just didn’t do much for me physically.

    “real man/woman can’t excite you like a porn model who you can search for your ideal face & body and search for them acting out things that your real partner may refuse to do.”

    This is a man thing, Adrian. I don’t understand it. If I’m into someone, I’m into his face. I’m into his body. He turns me on. I don’t have an ideal male body or face I’m searching for. I just want to feel it when I’m around him. The last guy I was into was about 5’5″, 130 pounds, average face. Made no sense “on paper,” as you always write, but there was something about him. 🙂

    Hmmmm … makes me wonder. What does sweet Adrian want to do that some women are saying no to? Does it involve going through the back door and not the front? 🙂 (Couldn’t help myself)

  11. 11
    Jeremy

    Emily, what’s with the innuendo? Hee hee, innuendo. My favourite Italian colonoscopy joke. Must be Friday 🙂

  12. 12
    Adrian

    Hi Emily,

    You said, “I know 2 women who’ve been with one man their entire lives and neither seems particularly interested in what else is out there.

    This is sweet; it reminds me of my grandparents and other people I’ve met from their generation that met in high school and are still together 50 years later. So perhaps it’s a generation thing???

    I mean the thought of only dating one person EVER… The person you met as a kid and NEVER having a desire to experience someone different is amazing to me. Sure older adults who have seen what is out there, sampled a little of everything and then learned what is and is not worth holding on to, I can understand, but not kids who do it.

    You said, “I knew with the first guy the sex was underwhelming even though I’d never done it before.

    Ah true Emily but was there any real emotional connection a.k.a love involved with you and this guy? I am assuming that these “wait until marriage” people are talking about having sex for the first time with someone whom they have fallen deeply in love with.

    It’s just my personal opinion but I don’t think sex can be really good or fulfilling without some level of emotional connection… That’s why the guy who brag about their numbers (the random strangers/women they’ve slept with) don’t impress me.

    You said, “This is a man thing, Adrian. I don’t understand it. If I’m into someone, I’m into his face. I’m into his body. He turns me on.

    No I agree with you that both men and women are “into” a person’s face and body when they really like them. What I was referring to was what I read about concerning people who watch too much porn or too much media. This happens before he/she meets their partner and they become conditioned to have unrealistic expectations of real men/women physically and sexually.

    Plus remember when Jeremy gave that great thesis on how porn is cheap sex, and it relieves men of the drive to go out and improve themselves so they can get the type of women they fantasize about?

    You said, “Hmmmm … makes me wonder. What does sweet Adrian want to do that some women are saying no to? Does it involve going through the back door and not the front?  ”

    Sigh… Oh Emily… (^_^)

  13. 13
    Emily, to

    Jeremy,
    “Emily, what’s with the innuendo?”
    Now that we know what Adrian’s into … kind of gives new meaning to the nickname “Back Door Bob.” It’s always the seemingly sweet ones you have to watch out for. 🙂

  14. 14
    Emily, to

    Hi Adrian, (Bob)

    “I mean the thought of only dating one person EVER… The person you met as a kid and NEVER having a desire to experience someone different is amazing to me.” 

    I’m right there with you. You have to get at least a few different experiences to learn what you like. Sometimes you don’t even know what you like until you experience it.
    “I am assuming that these “wait until marriage” people are talking about having sex for the first time with someone whom they have fallen deeply in love with.”
    I see what you are saying but, in my opinion, you have 3 elements at play: sexual attraction, sexual compatibility and love. You can be really attracted to someone and have mediocre sex. You can be really attracted and really in love, and have mediocre sex. It’s difficult to find all 3. And you feel like throwing yourself in front of a train when you have sexual compatibility and mutual sexual attraction (a rare combination) and there’s no love.
    “It’s just my personal opinion but I don’t think sex can be really good or fulfilling without some level of emotional connection… That’s why the guy who brag about their numbers (the random strangers/women they’ve slept with) don’t impress me.”
    Bless your heart. I thought hooking up with as many randos as possible (and the more attractive, the better) gave a man “dude cred.” 🙂 It’s the opposite for women. Hooking up with a bunch of guys means nothing. But having a man want to be your boyfriend who is high status  … That’s “chick cred.”

    “What I was referring to was what I read about concerning people who watch too much porn or too much media. This happens before he/she meets their partner and they become conditioned to have unrealistic expectations of real men/women physically and sexually.”

    I’ve read that even kids are accessing porn. They start off watching vanilla porn (for lack of a better word) but they have to keep upping the ante to get aroused to more and more outrageous porn. When they finally have sex with a live person, they’re bored. That’s really sad, actually.

  15. 15
    Marika

    Hehe. Jeremy! It’s pun Friday!!

    A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre…. so the bartender gives it to her 🙂

    Emily..notice Adrian didn’t actually deny it…? 😉

    Thank you for this funny, flirty, happy, lovely thread all. I’ve missed this!

  16. 16
    Emily, to

    Hi Marika,

    Emily..notice Adrian didn’t actually deny it…?

    I knew he wouldn’t confirm it, but you’re right: He didn’t deny it. (He’s like Jeremy. He writes about sex, but he never gives specifics. 🙂  )

    I actually find this new revelation about him interesting whether or not it’s true. It puts a little spin on his nice guy persona. Being nice all the time is like watching an actress give a performance in which she always plays angry. You gotta give it a little shade and nuance.  🙂

  17. 17
    Adrian

    Ha-ha Marika and Emily,

    You two are the jokesters of the class/blog I see (^_^).

    Well at least now we all know why Emily always said the “kinks” of the artist Prince were NOT freaky enough for her sexually.

    And I would throw in a Christian Grey comment for Marika but I hear that movie was too vanilla for her taste.

    BAM!!! (^_^)

  18. 18
    Jeremy

    LOL Marika, good one. Pun day’s the best day. Here’s one that always makes me think of this site: I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with. She thought about it and replied, “Yes, the others were nines and tens.” 🙂

  19. 19
    Emily, to

    Adrian and Marika,
    “Well at least now we all know why Emily always said the “kinks” of the artist Prince were NOT freaky enough for her sexually.”
    Huh? When did I write that? I wrote he was my celebrity crush. Do you have any idea the balls you need to have to get up in front of millions of people with the butt cut out of your pants? 🙂

    “And I would throw in a Christian Grey comment for Marika but I hear that movie was too vanilla for her taste.”

    Did you like that movie, Marika? I thought the male lead was not appealing, but if you want a good BDSM movie that’s hot as shit I highly recommend “Secretary” with James Spader. Yowsa. That’s what 50 shades should have been.

  20. 20
    Sea

    ”But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?). ”

    Maybe the men are used to beautiful women and because of that you don’t have scores of attractive men approaching you?

    I live in a beach resort town, with a college 5 minutes in walking distance from the sand.

    Most of the women are quite attractive, which means guys for the most part are used to very attractive women being ”average” in apperance, and as such they don’t really notice them as much as a man who isn’t used to being around attracitve women would.

    Have you ever considered approaching the men you are attracted and striking a conversation? I don’t approach women. I look at them for a couple of seconds, only to pretend I wasn’t looking when they notice me.

    I repeat the same process to indicate  to the woman in question that I’m attracted, and then I wait for her to approach me. If I get approached, great. If I don’t I just shrug it off and wait for the next woman who will approach me.

    There are very few men out there(unless you live in Santa Monica Beach) who are phyisically attractive, have a good job, and their own house, making the competition for such men rutheless.  Make yourself stand out from the rest of the women by approaching the men you are interested in getting to know, and ask them out.

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