How To Guarantee A Guy Calls You After Sex

A woman on the bed calling someone
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Hi Evan,

To explain why a great date doesn’t necessarily mean anything to men, you wrote: “Instead of thinking in terms of black and white (He likes me/he doesn’t like me), think in terms of grey. Isn’t it possible that a guy can be out, enjoying your company, being thoughtful, telling you you’re beautiful, kissing you at the end of the night, and never call you again?”   

I guess it’s possible, theoretically. I am not a man, so it’s difficult for me to understand. But why would a guy do that? For example, if I like a guy, and I had a good time on a date, I’d like to see him again. I think about it in 2nd grade terms, “I like a person, I would like to see them again. I don’t like a person, I don’t want to see them again” That applies to all people –  men, women, romantic or platonic.

You also wrote: “All you can do as a woman is not make the date “mean” something, because 50% of the time, as you can probably see, it doesn’t mean a thing to him…”

Yeah, I think that’s an assumption. I, personally, cannot SEE that it doesn’t mean a thing to him, like I can’t differentiate. When do things start meaning to a man?

So what distinguishes when a guy goes on a date, has a good time, but is just “in the moment, and doesn’t call me back, versus a guy who had a good time with me and then calls me back? Is this “in the moment” feeling  premeditated, i.e. the guy knows this date isn’t going to be serious, before the date occurs? Or does the “in the moment” feeling occur during the process of the date, which is dependent on the woman and on a date itself? So tell me about your experiences. How do you approach this dating, “in the moment” situtation? I am just trying to understand the psyche.

Maybe it’s just me, but all interactions with people mean something to me. I feel that’s the respect I should give to another person. And if they don’t mean anything to me, then it’s because I don’t want to interact with that person.

Any clarification of this idea would be  very helpful.

Jean

Dear Jean,

I’m going to drop the dating coach bit for a second and just be a guy.

When I was dating prolifically, I’d be going out with two or three women at a time. And every single time I went out, I did two things:

  1. I tried to be the best date I possibly could. I’d call, email, express interest, plan a good date, show up on time, etc.
  2. I tried to make her want me really badly. I’d listen, I’d lean in, I’d flirt, I’d compliment her.

In short, I wanted every single date to feel good about me, so I would have the option of going out with her again. Sometimes, we’d hug goodbye. Other times, we’d drunkenly go back to her place. But no matter what, I was looking to keep my options open, have fun, and sometimes get a little action. And yes, I was always in pursuit of a long-term relationship. I just didn’t want to deprive myself entirely of sexual activity until I fell in love.

By the way, whether you agree or not, I considered myself a NICE guy. I slept with very few people, I never said, “I love you” and I rarely kept a physical relationship going beyond a few weeks, if I felt it was headed nowhere.

To me, I felt like I was acting with integrity. To a woman who woke up next to me after a first date and thought that we were “in a relationship”, I can see how she felt differently….

This is the bargain we strike when we’re dating.

My friend, dating coach and matchmaker, Julie Ferman, talks about what a strange world we live in where we are more comfortable sleeping with a stranger than we are TALKING about what it means to sleep together. And it’s kind of true, isn’t it? Better to hop in bed and hope we can handle the emotional consequences than it is to have a weird conversation about commitment, right?

So if you really want to understand men, Jean, chew on this one for awhile:

Men look for sex and find love.

Women look for love and find sex.

You would never sleep with someone you weren’t interested in.

We will. Gladly.

Until you GET this, until you truly EMBRACE the fact that we think with our penises and allow our brains to catch up weeks later, you’re ALWAYS going to be surprised at the “disconnect” between men’s words and their actions.

Our words are designed to charm you and make you feel comfortable.

Our actions reveal whether there’s any deeper intentions behind our words.

So again, the only way you can tell if a guy is sincere is by WHAT KIND OF EFFORT HE MAKES FOR YOU AFTER YOU GO OUT.

Not if he told you he loves you, not if he slept with you.

Only if he calls you the next day to make another date can you be really sure.

And if you want to be positive that a guy won’t sleep with you unless he’s serious about you, then don’t sleep with him until he’s given you a commitment. You’ll have a lot less sex, but a lot less heartbreak as well.

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Comments:

  1. 21
    hunter

    on post #20

    Adultery is defined as, the sex act of, either one or both partners married(not to each other), engaging in sexual intercourse.

  2. 22
    hunter

    If you want to hang with the crowd, you have to know the lingo!…..LOL!….They’ll see you coming!…

  3. 23
    moonsical

    This is an easy one: don’t sleep with someone you aren’t already in relationship with. I haven’t had this problem for decades…actually, maybe not ever.

    moon

  4. 24
    scorchin'

    Why is is the girls always seem to be waiting for the guy to call after sex. Girls- if you want to talk to the guy you just laid, call him. Whats the big deal?

  5. 25
    JaneD

    I really dont know what is wrong with my dates but it doesnt metter if I sleep with a guy or not they usually lose their interest pretty quick! I consider myself somewhat attractive woman with a distinguished taste for style and fashion.I meet most men online due to the nature of my job and because Im not very socialy active! I am starting to believe that online dating is a huge deception because a person,or at least me start to like the other person I talk to for week or two , we share interesting conversation and it seem that we would “click” in person as well and then when I finaly meet that person even if he shows affection and interest on the first date its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.I become the abandoned one..for what reason I never know! I am starting to believe that this just might be my destiny but I dont want to be the only passenger on the boat that is slowly sinking down because I know there should be a great guy out there that is genuine and real!!

    1. 25.1
      Willowandy

      As Karl D has already posted a lot, I will just say very briefly that this does not only happen to women.

  6. 26
    hunter

    Jane D, I’d prefer not to date co-workers, (because of messy experiences) but, according to census, I believe it is, almost 60% of “shipping while relating,”(relationships), happen at work.

  7. 27
    Sayanta

    Adam-

    Call me.

  8. 28
    Karl R

    JaneD said: (#25)
    “I am starting to believe that online dating is a huge deception”
    “its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.”
    “I become the abandoned one..for what reason I never know!”
    “I am starting to believe that this just might be my destiny”

    I have several questions. How does your dating turn out to be “disastrous”? I’ve had a number of dates through online dating. The “worst” outcomes were, “I don’t think you’re the type of person I’m looking for.” That doesn’t even qualify as a bad outcome. These women probably weren’t the type I was looking for either, and they were perceptive enough to figure it out before I was. That’s just the normal odds at work.

    How does an online date “abandon” you? Do they take you on a date, then strand you with no way to get home? If not, what are they doing that you feel qualifies as abandonment? Is it just that they’re breaking up with you or failing to call you again?

    I can see two possibilities for what might be happening with your dating.

    #1 You’re managing to date a lot of abusive and horrible men, and your dates turn out to be disasters. If this is the case, you might want to examine what it is that draws you to this type of man. Once you start dating nice, considerate men, your dates will be much better … even if your dating still doesn’t lead to a long-term relationship.

    #2 You have adopted an attitude where you see yourself as the perpetual victim. If a man isn’t interested enough to want to pursue a relationship, you view it as “abandonment” or “disastrous”. You believe the universe has somehow singled you out to have a lonely, loveless life. If this is your attitude toward dating, you’re going to drive any high-quality men away. The only men who will be attracted to this attitude are victimizers who are drawn to victims.

    I have two pieces of advice that might help you:

    Change your expectations:
    Let’s say only 1 in 5 of the women that I contact end up going on a first date with me. Let’s say that only 1 in 5 of my first dates ends up becoming a long term relationship. If that’s the case, 96% of the women I contact don’t become long-term girlfriends. That sounds like lousy odds, doesn’t it?

    But I only need one long-term girlfriend. So if I contact one new woman per week, it will take me around 6 months to get into a long-term relationship. I just have to put in the time and effort, and it will become a reality. That’s rather encouraging.

    Change your attitude:
    I go on a date with the intention of enjoying myself and getting to know the lady better. If I succeed in doing both of those, it’s a good date. Even if I decide that I don’t want to date the lady again (or she decides that she never wants to date me again), it was still a good first date.

    It’s still possible that I could have a disastrous date (the lady steals my wallet, or she’s unspeakably rude to me and everyone around), but it hasn’t happened yet.

    As a final suggestion, you might want to become more socially active. Socially active people have interesting things going on in their lives. That makes them more interesting people. Interesting people get more dates.

    1. 28.1
      JoJOe

      AWESOME AWESOME advice, and very insightful.
      Yes. Always go in with as much expectation as you put in.
      By your math, I’ll be in a long-term relationship within 3 months.
      Maybe sooner. So… can I bask in my my now and allow social engagements be a relaxing adventure, certainly.
      I’m not looking for next weeks disaster, I’m looking for this life’s masterpiece. In the meanwhile I work on this, me, my masterpiece in the present. I’m certain there is a man out there doing the same thing, thinking the same thoughts. I am certain that those 6 degrees of separation will be 6 baby steps to unification. It’s the law of attraction and I’m becoming a powerful magnet.

      Kudo’s

    2. 28.2
      kris

      Jeez Karl, I think you are exactly the example of what women fear when entering the dating world. You expect to date a different woman each week for 6 months before finding one you feel worthy of a second date? Thats like 24 women! Who are you, George Clooney??? That to me sounds like you burn thru women like a serial dater until you find what….100% perfection??? I can almost guarantee you have left a lot of great women wondering why they didn’t get a call back for a second date. If you have to go thru stacks of women like that to find one who you feel is good enough, you are not giving these women a chance to show you who they really are. I read stuff like this and it discourages me from wanting to date at all.

      1. 28.2.1
        brea

        Honey,the guy meant that there’s a possibility of finding a LTR in every 6 women he meets,this could be the first,third or the sixth woman,doesn’t mean he’s playing a game of numbers or toying around with women till he goes for the sixth date or whatever number,am a lady and his was the best comment I read,did you ever study statistics baby?

        1. hunter

          brea, I agree with you…

    3. 28.3
      Jennifer

      This is great advice, not just for women, but people in general.   Your attitude and how you react to things determines what kind of life you have.   If you constantly play the victim, you will always be a victim.

      And to the person who gave you a hard time and asked if you were “George Clooney”…what does that make women who expect every guy they date or hang out with to fall in love with them?

      There is nothing wrong with having options and getting to know multiple people to find the right person for you.

      I have never tried to find or purposely be in a LTR, it’s always been something that just happens naturally.   I think the best thing a woman can do is live her life, find true joy and happiness and when the time is right, the right man will come along.

      1. 28.3.1
        hunter

        Jennifer, I like your choice of words, “something that just happens naturally”…..

    4. 28.4
      brea

      Thumbs up,really

  9. 29
    Sayanta

    “its gonna turn out disastrous in the near future and unfortunately it always does for me.”

    Actually, I have a small anecdote about this- I met a guy online a while ago- he e-mailed me to say ‘u free tonight’ just like that. Now, I like it when a guy gives me a little notice, so I said, maybe sometime next week instead. He did the ‘u free tonite’ thing twice and then got the hint and we planned for something the following weekend.

    We met at a bar- the guy had a scowl on his face for some reason (he was friendly over the phone). I couldn’t imagine why, but I just tried easing into friendly conversation. oh my god, for an hour (I can’t believe I stayed that long, but I’d ordered food, which he didn’t offer to pay for either) all he did was complain about every single thing that’s wrong with life, not in a whiny way, but an angry way, like he wanted to punch someone. Every time I tried to say something pleasant, he tried to pick a fight with me! Then a neighbor of his happened to show up at the bar- this is a college town- and the guy turned away and acted like he didn’t know me until the neighbor had left. Yes, this was a female neighbor, but she was with her boyfriend. They kept looking at me, surprised probably, that I was putting up with this guy.

    Anyway, I left five minutes after that. The guy actually looked surprised that I was leaving!

    The reason I bring this up is because it turned me off of online dating for months. Only because the guy had been pleasant on the phone. So I thought, if I’m going to get a nasty surprise like this every time I go out, forget this whole business. Yech.

  10. 30
    Sayanta

    “This is an easy one: don’t sleep with someone you aren’t already in relationship with.”

    lol- well, I totally agree with you there, as you’ve prob’y figured out from my other posts. But the thing is, the guys aren’t going want relationships unless we sleep with them first.

    1. 30.1
      Tendai

      lol yes the dilemma of sex or no relationship there’s a solution. To that shut those legs good and proper until you meet he’s family enough times and he’s friends make him work for it. If he likes you he will wait trust me .

  11. 31
    Sayanta

    “Socially active people have interesting things going on in their lives. That makes them more interesting people. Interesting people get more dates.”

    I would MUCH prefer to meet men through a venue other than online dating- but unfortunately, the kind of interests I have- art gallery tours, museums, plays, etc. only attract other women.

    At least I have a ton of female friends to hang out with though.

  12. 32
    Maria

    I appreciate this post as I have had a similar experience and wanted to share. I have probably met over 30 men from online dating sites over the past year, and that is after e-mail and phone screenings and trying to be “particular.” Of the thirty or so in person meet-ups (which I do not classify as a date), i have only gone out on multiple dates with one man that I felt there was enough chemistry and potential. Sure enough by the third actual date, the guy brought me a gift, and our marathon date ended at 2am following swapping a massage and what I considered great sex. He said and did all the right things to get it to that point, and yet following our third date I received a text message from him the following day to say he had a great time and hope I was having a great day. Just as Evan suggested, no call and no making plans to see me again. I knew darn well I could phone him and initiate more nights of passion (secretely I wanted to because the sex was good, and I do have needs.) However, I did not and am not going to pursue it because it is obvious he’s just not that into me, and my goal is a long term relationship. It’s a little heartbreaking because its hard enough to meet someone you like enough to go there with, and when its not mutual (or mutual enough) it stings. But, that is dating for you. I must accept and move on. Thanks everyone for this thread, it helps to know I’m not alone.

  13. 33
    hunter

    Maria, you met 30 men from online dating sites. Good for you!…

  14. 34
    Maria

    I have! I unfortuantely havent met the right one yet, but not for lack of putting in the time and effort. I go through phases where I meet two or three and then meet no one for a couple weeks. I am getting more discerning and particular as it still requires alot of effort/time to prepare for and attend a date. Initially I was getting my feet wet after a 10 year marriage, now they have to be date worthy.

  15. 35
    Em

    To Adam, you sound wonderful! That said, I actually find it kind of exciting that men are so sex driven. It’s just that I wish more of them could have sex while also being excited about the woman, about the possibility of falling in love with her. We need more men like you, in any case!

  16. 36
    InaccessibleRail

    Sayanta #30- This isn’t true! There are some guys who won’t continue to date if you don’t put out on the first date, but guess what? Those guys usually wind up being one night stands anyways. (And I know this-I was in the greek system at a university, and here were a lot of my friends dating the same guys I had gone out with- a lot of them had their hearts broken by the guys who didn’t see me again after I didn’t put out on the first night. Trust me, you will weed out some guys by not putting out early on, but theyre the same ones who would eliminate THEMSELVES early on AFTER sleeping with you. All you lose is the feeling of emptiness after giving your body to someone who could give a s— less.
     
    Also, I should probably mention that this approach doesn’t leave me “dateless”.  In fact, I really don’t have to date much at all, I tend to just go from one LTR to another. Yeah,. there are no guarantees, and none of those have resulted in marriage (there’s just no way to tell until youve put in the time), but they’ve all given me the unique and wonderful experiene of being COURTED by them, as opposed to the generally homogenous experience of just having a one-night stand.
     
    So yeah, wait until you’re in a relationship. I made this  one wait until 30 days AFTER we got into a relationship, and so far things are going great! 😉

    1. 36.1
      ally

      Good advice!

  17. 37
    Sayanta

    #36-

    You’ve given me hope, sister…

  18. 38
    Shil

    I’ve always been the one to tell my friends not to put out on the first date if they expect to see the guy again. I have one friend in particular who has gone from heartbreak to heartbreak because she kept on sleeping with men as soon as they made it clear that’s what they want. She ends up being the one leaving unanswered messages, drunk calling wondering why it went wrong. Well, it happened to me. I’ve always been in a relationship. My last lasted two years. I think it’s mainly because I only used to hook up with men who pursed me enough to get me interested. Otherwise I always kept away from men who seemed too eager as it was always a put off for me. I like men to work for my attention. I broke up with my ex because I was moved to another country in a company transfer. We both didn’t want a long distance relationship so we ended just ended it. After two months, I haven’t met anyone because all I do was work, work so I haven’t made any new friends. So on Christmas day I went for a party that had more men than the ladies. Soon I was getting a lot of attention and I was really enjoying it. The guys who were there were friends of my cousin and he warned me not to get close to any of them because they didn’t have the best habits. But I hadn’t had sex in a while so I ignored him and gave out my number to a lot of them. I only really liked one of them but he made it clear that he just wanted to take me to bed immediately so I avoided him. Sadly, the really good looking one had a girlfriend who was there with him. My cousin took me home when I started to get a bit tipsy. The next day most of them called but I wasn’t quite sure who was who because I hadn’t saved any of their numbers and am very bad with names. Especially foreign sounding ones. One guy sounded really good and insisted on coming over to my place to check on me. I was bored and wanted company so I invited him over. I kinda thought I was sure I knew who it was. It ended up being the guy with the girlfriend. We got to talking and he kept denying that she was his woman although I knew it was. One thing for sure, we had this mad sexual chemistry and the next thing I know we had sex. Immediately after he said he had to leave. I knew that was the only reason he had come and I was pretty much ok with it because hey! I got laid and that’s what I really wanted. He called me a few hours later we talked a bit and he said he’d call me the next day. He hasn’t called since. Thing is I fell for him and haven’t stopped thinking about him. I didn’t think I would fall for him because I really dislike men who cheat on their girlfriends especially in a very open manner. It’s probably the loneliness or the lust but I know one thing for sure I might never even see him again. It’s pretty simple if you like a guy don’t put out on the first date. Am pretty sure even if I didn’t he would probably have tried again a couple of times and maybe just given up along the way. If a man really likes you then sex is not the only thing on his mind. My mother told me if a man likes you he will cross the oceans and seas to be with you no excuses will ever be made. If he is just not that into you, he just ain’t. I know from speaking to my male friends that men like to imagine the woman he is with is a virgin in some sense. And if she comes off as easy in any way that is a sure turn off! Women are always the losers.

  19. 39
    Anna

    What if I only want to have sex with him again?

    I met this guy who is 10 years older than me ( I am 25) and asked me out.  I knew already he was not interested in a LTR, but we both felt really attracted to each other and had sex. After doing it,  he described in detail how satisfied he was, and so was I.

    We were both out of town for the Holidays, but he sent a couple of messages without saying he wanted to meet again. 

    My question is, should I interpret that he would be willing to have sex with me again? If so, should I wait for him to call or does the waiting applies also for sex buddies? I just don’t want him to think that I am super enthusiastic for initiating a relation and ruin my possibilities of having sex with him again just because I am making the first move.

      

     

  20. 40
    Kenley

    Anna,
    If all you truly want to be is sex buddies, then waiting does not apply.   He is not trying to win you over and vice versa.  You both already know that you only want sex.  So,  you are well with in your “rights” to give him a booty call.  Just make certain that a sex buddy is all you want him to be.   If you are thinking about him and worrying about his feelings and what he might think about you, he is not good booty call material.  The primary reason men like to have booty calls is because they are basically no maintenance encounters.  They don’t care about the woman or think about her until they want sex.  That’s how you have to approach it as well. If you can’t in general or with this man in particular, you really aren’t a good candidate for casual hook ups.  I don’t think there needs to be any shame either way.  But just understand what you are getting into.

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