Why Would a Younger Woman Want to Date a Much Older Man?

Okay, Evan, I agree mostly with your opinion on younger men/older women. What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman – physically that is, but why would a 28-year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more?

Penelope

Dear Penelope,

Beats the shit out of me.

I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. There’s no denying that they’re, for the most part, in better shape, with better skin, and less baggage from broken relationships. Time creates wisdom – but it also creates responsibilities and complications – mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. It’s a lot easier for a man to take out a carefree, responsibility free, baggage free, wrinkle free 28-year-old, which is why so many men try to go in that direction. I’m not condoning this. I’m OBSERVING that it happens.

Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men. Put another way, if a woman has an array of other quality options closer to her age range, what incentives would she have to date a man who is SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER?

She doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40.

Not many, I’m thinking.

Before any 40+ people get all hot and bothered about this – I am not judging. There is nothing wrong with aging. I do think people improve with age (my wife is nodding). But let’s not pretend that we, as a culture, don’t worship at the altar of youth. If you’re over the age of 40 and have ever said, “But I’m told I look five years younger than my age”, then you’re not immune to it yourself. But see, for men who covet younger women, it’s not whether you look good for your age – it’s what age you really are.

Because it’s competitive out there for all of us. People have choices. And nobody has more choices than a 28-year-old woman. If she wants to date a guy who is 6’2”, makes $400,000+, likes skiing, is within ten miles of her house and five years of her age, you know what? She could probably find him. All she has to do is go on Match.com, and wade through a few thousand applicants. The point is, she doesn’t NEED a guy who’s 45. She can find that same amazing guy at age 30. Or 35. Or 40. She doesn’t need a guy who will be taking Viagra when she’s sexually peaking at 43.

Don’t get me wrong, there are advantages in a 45-year-old guy. He’s probably a man. He’s got the job and the home and the car, and been divorced with a kid already. So if a woman finds it more appealing to just step into that world – to jump from the prolonged adolescence of the late 20’s into full-fledged settled-down womanhood – that could make sense.

Most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive.

There are many other things that are attractive about older men. They embody wisdom and stability. They can afford nicer restaurants and vacations and have cultivated greater tastes in the arts. They’re more experienced, more chivalrous, and more likely to want to settle down than a twentysomething party boy.

And yet, they probably resemble Penelope’s dad more than they resemble her brother….

This is the most compelling reason behind why younger women might go for older men: they’re daddy substitutes. An older man’s going to be the strong, nurturing guy who takes care of her, teaches her, and treats her like a princess – the kind of relationship that she probably lacked growing up.

Hey, I’m no psychologist – just your friendly, neighborhood dating coach. But I do know women, and lots of women in their 20’s. And the truth is that most of them are completely creeped out at the prospect of dating a guy who was alive when JFK was alive. These women were born in the EIGHTIES. They grew up with computers. They’re contemporaries with Britney Spears. Whether we like it or not, there is nearly a full generation gap between 28 and 45. A few women may bridge this gap for lust or money or dimestore psychological reasons, but most of the 28-year-old women I know would prefer to date a great, stable 30-40 year-old – who also knows what Snapchat is.

Okay, older men – tell me why I’m wrong. But don’t forget, you and your younger girlfriends are the EXCEPTION. I’m writing about the RULE.

By the way, my girlfriend wants it on record that she would totally sleep with Harrison Ford if he should be reading this. So as a gift to both of them: Sure, why not? Happy 66th, Indy!

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Comments:

  1. 421
    Dail F Melton

    Genetically speaking, older men tend to chase younger women due to them being able to have children.

    Younger women tend to like older men due to them being able to provide better for them.

    Today though in our socity, this isn’t necssary.

    1. 421.1
      celebritydiscodave

      I actually prefer the company of younger women, and as a “live in” landlord I live with them, the last one was nineteen to my sixty two years, in large part because it makes me relationship bullet proof.  I do n`t have to worry about them having one eye on me and the other the property, and I prefer friendships to romance, always have.  But yes, I am also attracted this much younger, I merely find most attractive that which is most attractive.  I`m not average for my years, currently  averaging about three new physical world records each year, better than I could of achieved in my forties.  Despite being just as fit then.  My fan base ranges between about thirteen and fifteen, and there are quite a large number of them.  Much of what society programs us to believe, that which constitutes popular opinion, is either a myth or somehow flawed.  Girls do n`t do time and place with guys older than their father, not sustained anyway, or only very exceptionally, never mind an actual relationship.  They`ll do time and place if you drive them, typically, because they can readily go cabby mode.  Not before they are first established friends, obviously.

  2. 422
    Sophie

    I’m going to be completely honest, I’m in a relationship with a man 12 years older than I, when we first met I would’ve said he was the same age as me because of his attitude, looks and mannerisms. After knowing our age gap all I say is that you don’t choose who you fall in love with and soul mates have no limits or boundaries on who they are. As long as they treat you right there’s no problme

    1. 422.1
      Craig

      I totally agree, age is just a number and if the chemistry is there then let it happen and if it flourishes onto a lasting relationship or goes no where at least neither one will have to 2nd guess the what if question…

  3. 423
    Jim

    Scarlett Johannsson. Alicia Vikander. Amber Heard. Lauren Bacall. Kathie Lee. Emila Clarke. Suki Waterhouse. Etc. So many famous woman have dated men at least 15 years older than them. Hell, Bogart and Bacall is, to this day, the most iconic Hollywood romance. ever.

    1. 423.1
      sq

      All of those women dated famous wealthy and extremely attractive men 15 years older. That’s not much of a consolation for the average guy. Nice try though.

      1. 423.1.1
        Jim

        Sure. I’m not talking about average men. I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with dating older, as evidenced by some very famous women who dated older. They all had money of their own, so it wasn’t for the dough. They just liked the older men. Hell, in the case of Suki Waterhouse, she now seems to be exclusively dating men who are at least 15 years older than her.   By the by, I wouldn’t call Humphrey Bogart “extremely attractive.” Nor would I call Seth Macfarlane “extremely attractive.” But yes, celebrities live by different rules.

  4. 424
    Chloe

    Liking the comments I’m reading it’s real confidence boost! I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 45, I had a guy who was my age we were together since I was 13.. Ended up being abusive and I didn’t know how I could find someone who would be attracted to me or have the confidence to be with someone else.. But it all started at my job. I was a waitress and eventually worked my way in to kitchen with my boss who is also a chef. We got on very well and it all went from there now he is my lovely boyfriend 9 months down the line and we’re still going strong to find someone who was right infront of me without realising he’s perfect in every way and has helped me through so much by giving me my confidence back and my strength I’m a better person thanks to him we plan to have a family together and have shared so many fantastic memories so the moral of this story is that age really is just a number my family and his family are happy for us and I couldn’t wish for more . X

  5. 425
    Stuart

    I am 53 my wife is 41, when we met I was  36 and she was 24. Married for 12 years, with two children aged 9 and 8 years old, she needed the IVF. I have one boy aged 14 and another aged 12.

    Often for us guys the choice is naive and better bodied younger models or  age affected older model. I  am  53 I do 10 mins ski machine each morning and evening, 3 km run with kids most weekends, eat mainly vegetarian, love steal twice a month, and hell what life is perfect.  My brother has wife same age; sex once a week and is waiting for kids to leave, to divorce her.

    I left first wife for second at 36, she cheated on me, my brother is just frustrated, my brother in law the same, both hate sexless marriages, I get sex 5 times a week. Hell life is hard. I do two jobs at 53 she does one part time, complains about time at work, but she spends not me. I buy second hand clothes, drive cars ’til they die, I spend very little.

    If I was starting again, I would say men and women live by the ten commandments, and the golden rule of our Bible. Marry at mid 20 and fuck a lot before then put past life behind you. done and dusted. make staying married the central goal.

    When you go on the 2.7 km run and your 9 and 8 year old son and daughter say we love you Dad and your wife says she does, too. Life ain’t perfect, but is isn’t too bad. Find a good heart and stop the rest.

    My Grandfather once said to me, his bayonet bent in the trenches in Europe, the steel was too cheap (big end profits). Took off his boot and fought with that and a rifle butt, for one reason and one reason only, to live and see his sons and daughter grow up. I liked him as a man and my Father and Mother.

    The times are harder now with jobs, we must be, I have a masters and do odd jobs and casual training, my wife does casual book-keeping, I hunt and grow vegetables, sometimes I feel we are in  my Grandfather’s trench, but hell will come to earth before I give in. Perhaps that is why younger wives like older husbands there no second chance for them (us), they re it and they would rather die trying (to make it work). I know I am hard, but when your son is bullied by big kids, he comes to you after Mum, and the next day you tell the pricks Dad stop your son or we’ll have a Mother of an accident leaving school. Bullying stops dead, he knows you’ll hurt him and his 13 year old who bullies 9 year old. He threaten me with a hammer. told him straight if he missed I’d put it where the sun don’t shine and if he hit he would go inside and others would put their …. where the sun don’t shine.

    If I were clever all I would say well, is find a good person and be a good person, life can suck, stick it out and help each other, age isn’t the thing being a good wife or husband is.

     

     

     

     

  6. 426
    Simplysimple

    Truthfully it depends on what you want in life. If you truly love the man than no matter his performance in bed or age it won’t make a difference. My aunt is in her 30’s and she takes care of her 80 year old husband who she loves to death. I personally dated men twice my age which I’m 23  and they are as normal as any other type of man. If I  even married an 80 year old man I would just buy some toys and wake up to the man I love. If your mind and heart is in the right place from the beginning then taking care of an old man at the end would be easy.

  7. 427
    Kay

    Older men represent a “fast track” mentality.  Easy is seductive.  Additionally, young men are not stepping up the way you used to, they do not have to, too many women trying to prove they can behave indiscriminately “like men”.  Just because men have behaved this way does not mean it is a good idea – so foolish.  Anyway, with a dearth of worthy young men, the young women who ready to move on with their lives are finding that only older men are willing – not surprising since a. their days are numbered and b. they are flattered that a young girl is paying attention to them.  Too bad the first wives are being kicked to the curb so the little tarts can walk into a life they haven’t earned and certainly do not deserve.  Our society has really deteriorated and so many people have some serious bad karma hanging over their heads.

  8. 428
    Kay

    Yeah, where is the conversation about how easy it is to attract a penis but that doesn’t mean you should.  What about the wives, your mom’s who are kicked to the curb so you can usurp their lives and the men can relive their youth.  The disintegration of America.

  9. 429
    Kim

    I am wondering why a 22 yr old woman with a 30 yr old boyfriend would choose to be the other woman to a 56 yr old married man?  I can not find the answer to that.  What is the attraction to a man older than her own father?

  10. 430
    Neo

    We I think it is very simple. My oldman makes me important at all times. He always make me priority, when he baths and clothe himself he does it the way he knows it will make me happy. Nothing its about him its always about us.  Most people thinks we want money from these old man, well mine does not have material things. What is important is that we love one on other.

  11. 431
    Ray

    I have been widowed for just under two years, I loved her very much but now I am so lonely.

    I am 78 but truthfully I don’t look much more than 70, however, at 78 the days of making love as such are gone.

    I would love to meet a woman who like me is clean, looks after herself and dresses well.

    Someone who is attractive and is affectionate and likes looking around.

    To date I have one friend who is 60 who enjoys going out with me, but I am aware of the fact that I am 18 years older.

    There is no doubt about it, once you are past 70 its downhill.

    1. 431.1
      Peter Clinton

      theres always viagra-makes a massive difference to your life

    2. 431.2
      Claire

      Hi I’m 38 and dating a 71 year old man off whom I’m in love with. No he Is not rich. I love him for who he is and I don’t find anything wrong with that.

      Hope you find some.

  12. 432
    Peter Clinton

    I am a 60 year old man still looking young for my age – anyway  a beautiful young girl in her mid 20’s is prepared to have me in every way and guess what if she gets tired of me or whatever does happen at least I have those great memories and experiences even if its only for a couple of weeks and yes I will give her gifts while I have her.

  13. 433
    Neo

    Well viagra does not have hands, but oldman do.  Maybe you guys should also get yourself holders partners so that you should know exactly how we feel.

  14. 434
    JLB

    Sorry but that is just creepy.  You will have great memories of being with a girl that could be your granddaughter??  You may look ‘young’ for 60, so what does that make you look like, 55?

  15. 435
    April

    I’m 31 and get the mid forties group a lot. But if they’re looking for someone so much younger, it creeps me out…like when I hit my 40’s are you just going to ditch me? I mean, it’s kinda creepy…it doesn’t seem fueled by genuine compatibility/interest in seeking a soulmate as it does seem stereotypical and tacky. Plus, they could have kids graduating high school! I haven’t even had any kids yet…that would weird me out to be a step mom to an adult. Yeesh. Lol.  I haven’t even made it into the “married and kids” phase and their past it and then some…and now you want to do it again? Really? I don’t know. Hard sell. Hard sell. Lol. But I still do keep a tiny bit of allowance in my head for these types, just in case they are legit…I can’t deny the maturity factor.  By then they’ve hopefully been tamed and understand housework and compromise. Lol

  16. 436
    Lisa

    When I was in my late 20s and early 30s I had a lot of men who were in their mid 40s that would ask me out and send me messages on online dating and many would get angry that I would not respond which I thought was odd since my profile clearly stated that I was looking for men in my own age range and they were far outside of it! I was not looking for younger men either.  I guess I never thought about it then because rhe whole idea was creepy to me they were way too old and I was not at all attracted to them, and I found it annoying that they disregarded my parameters and then got angry I did not respond.  Then again none of the men really cared what I was looking for, and sure I did have a lot of options but even if I did not the idea of a man that age was not appealing.  I now see they likely wanted children in addition to being attracted to youth and that many men wait into their mid 40s to have a child, and women in their age range can’t and women in their fertile years find them creepy so they get angry! So I’m now 38 and my fiancé is 46.  I’ve dated men that are my age prior to meeting him, men over 40, and I had one ex who was a lot younger.  I want to say this.  Men are delusional about their sexual abilities and prowess like women are about their child bearing ability.  Women think they can get pregnant when they are 45 and men think their sexual stamina is the same as younger men and these women writing in must have men out if the ordinary, they are in denial.  Look this is a physical thing a natural part of the male aging process.  A woman like me at 38 wants sex like a man at 18 and a man of 46 struggles to keep up.  A man of 30 or 35 does not.  That’s not to say there are not other reasons to date and older man but sex is an issue to think about.  Older men tend to be better in bed presuming they do not have some sort of sexual dysfunction and men over 45 tend to.  I’ve learned a lot about delayed ejaculation, age induced insensitivity, etc.  people think inability to get an erection is the only form of ED. So overall the sex is better with older men but it’s less frequent and the older man can’t come back as quickly.   There is rarely a two times everyday man in his late 40s or even an everyday man in his late 40s whereas men in there 30s are all good with this.  Like every aspect of a relationship you have to decide what’s important to you.  But it’s an issue.

    1. 436.1
      DJ

      It is always a fools errand to generalize about large segments of a population.  One might agree with your characterization of men in different age groups but it is still a generalization.  Men take far better care of themselves these days and many don’t smoke and don’t drink in excess.  They work out and keep their weight in check so there is virtually no reason they should not have stamina and endurance even into their 60’s and 70’s.  It is one thing to be cautious about getting pregnant in a woman’s later years.  That is far different than determining a man’s physical abilities based on an arbitrary age.

  17. 437
    gil salazar

    plrase lets remember im 48 and my girlfriend is 63 we have been together for 29 years so why complain

     

     

  18. 438
    gil salazar

    i would do anything for her

     

  19. 439
    Joey

    I am 59. I have a few girls whom like me, ages 26, 28 and 29.  I guess I’m like Harrison Ford without the bank roll.

  20. 440
    aaa

    Hy,

    I’m 28 and dating a 63 year old guy. He looks 10 years younger, but the spirit is at 40!  We are getting along very well, it is very weird though. And also adventurous 🙂

  21. 441
    Roy

    I am a 61 year and living very happily with a 31 year old beautiful girl. We both are the happiest we ever have been in our entire life

  22. 442
    Wally S.

    What moron ever decided that age matters?… Those who are intelligent enough to understand,… know very well that,  Loving One Another is all that Matters…. (for those that truly know love what is )

    I say, “Hooray For Love,”   and to hell with the critics.  LOL

     

    1. 442.1
      Wally S.

      BTW,, I’m 69 dating a 30 year old wonderful lady

      1. 442.1.1
        Buck25

        Wally,

        If it works out for you and your young lady, then good for you! After all, she and you are the only ones who have to be happy with your relationship. It’s not common for relationships with that much age difference to even develop, let alone thrive in the long run, but it can and does happen. That said, I’m about your age (68), and I’ve dated a couple of women in their thirties, and a few more in their forties. Were they pretty, and desirable? Oh yes! Did I have enough life experiences in common with them and they with me, to make a long-term relationship viable? Nope. I suspect it would be a rare woman under fifty, that would be at the same place in life I am. Could it happen, yes. Am I open to it if it did? Yes. Do I go looking for women that age? No, I generally try to date those women I have a better chance of actually connecting with, and most of the time that means 55 and up, at least for me. A ten year age gap I’m usually ok with; fifteen is getting to the edge of the envelope, and anything over that is a stretch, honestly. That’s how it is for me; of course, your mileage may vary.

  23. 443
    KayT

    hi iam turning 40years this month and my new boyfriend is 60 years old we are not intimate yet but we are definitely connected emotionally he wants to marry me sometime in the near future we love each other a lot he was married before few times to many and I always wanted a man who was never married but with him I see things differently we are truly  one,  the thing is I never liked dating  younger men and also older men  who is 10plus younger or older but here I am and has fallen for this man who is 20years older my concern is  the age gap in years to come him slowing down and me spending the rest of my life alone without my  sole mate and even thou we haven’t cross that line of intimacy I look forward to spending the rest of our life together . I know he truly loves me and I love him. He also wants to have a kid with me  we both have kids already .

  24. 444
    Neo

    Wow a child I don’t think is a good idea. You do not want your child to grow up without his daddy, but marriage I think you can go for it because you sound like you are really in love.

  25. 445
    James Maddox

    I am 61 years old and she is 21 years old we lived together for three years and then she left me we have a child together she is two and a half and she loves both of us very much but she wishes we were  together   the reason she left was because my children came between us I love her very much and I was Brokenhearted when she left me. So I wouldn’t recommend a 40 year age difference.

  26. 446
    Liz

    I am a 32 yr old woman and have been married to my 52 yr old husband for almost 10 yrs now. I have always been attracted to older men and found i have more in common with them then men my own age. to be honest the age was never really an issue. We clicked from the moment we met at the gym and have been in love ever since.

    10 yrs and goi g strong. I don’t care what other people think. He is my best friend and we work together in life. We both work and have memorable times together. When you know, you know!

  27. 447
    Dee

    I’m 29 married to a 52 year old man. I’m a doctor by profession, meaning I can afford to get myself so many things.. So definitely I’m not with him because of materialistic things,  and my husband is a very rich entrepreneur in South Africa. We’ve been married for 5 years now and I’m the happiest woman on earth and the sex is good.. We have a son together who’s going to be turning 3  . My husband loves me and there isn’t anything he doesn’t do that a 33 year old husband would do. We travel together, go to the movies, go to concerts together etc.. So this age gap thing is just nonsense . I am happy with my old man and I wouldn’t trade him for anything

    1. 447.1
      Neo

      I agree with that, most of the young couples go through hell and back. Age is nothing but a number, Goldman as they call our hubbies they are loving and carring.  

  28. 448
    Scott Johnston

    The article seems to suggest that a younger woman would never date a much older man. And then all the comments are from women dating much older men. LMAO……..Actually, the scientific reason women like older men is the subconscious belief that anyone still in shape, and not dead, in his 50’s must have good genes…..

  29. 449
    virile fiftyfour

    just from a 54 year old virile man, people can be ugly or die at ANY age, my mother and father are 85 and outlived my 55 year old sister. So all you girls might THINK you know the future will be , he will die and you will be alone, what if it happens the other way around ? You are so self centered its sickening, if you love someone, their age should not be an issue. You do not know what the future holds, lets be realistic anyways most marriages don’t last beyond 5 years so how is age going to matter in that case ? the GUY is going to have the problem getting someone, not you, you will still have your youth and he won’t. So if he’s willing to spend September of his life with you, maybe you better hang on tight and love him to death !! keep in mind my Mom got married at 59 to a 70 year old guy and she did not regret him at all. He died at 80 but they had a wonderful 10 years together.  My parents ages now don’t matter, they are divorced 50 years ago. Women lose interest too when they age and this is only being looked at like the guy is gonna get wrinkles and be hideous and lose sexual ability, this happens to women many times in menopause. Thats one reason we want younger women, the older ones usually look bad to me, I’m not attracted to them, all their skin hangs and boobs sag, and they are FAT. And insaneley independent, set in their ways. Plus they can’t give me a child. I want someone who can still conceive. Also I’ve seen so many fat women who are younger and out of shape, they don’t even try to stop EATING so much. So stop giving us older guys the short end of the stick, many of you gals arent all that to be so choosy and be ageists! Should matter how you treat each other NOW and keep your vows if you make them. If you leave him when he’s older, you didn’t love him in the first place and were likely a gold digger or very shallow. Women can get men almost at will unless they are hideous, its generally harder for guys. I have been honest about my desires and experience, I hope it helps someone. Watch the movie, love story, I know its a young couple but his woman died at 25 , they had a wonderful 5 years together, don’t pass on what could be the best time of your life based on a mans age. My skin is still smooth and I make love like a young man but n minute man. I know how to satisfy my lady and I expect the same.

    1. 449.1
      virile fiftyfour

      NOT a minute man

  30. 450
    John F Marzette

    I am 52 and my fiance is 24 there are those who frown on our relationship. However there are those who embrace it wholeheartedly. My question is simple, if we truly love each other. What is wrong with us getting married.

    1. 450.1
      Kelly

      I am 37 and love a 62 year old man. But he is the one that finds it difficult. I don’t see a problem in the age gap at all, but if he does – maybe I have to face facts. He is just not that into me!

      1. 450.1.1
        Kaycee Breeck

        Hi I’m 37 to and just started dateing a guy who is 62 my last ex was 66 I’m tierd of dateing guys around my age they are just useing me for sex.And this one is very careing and understanding.But we have yet to meet in person.

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